Quotes found on Divorcebusting (7)

[doodler]

R2C,

In my own situation, if I were to have a reconciliation, then I'd have two huge looming issues. First, I'm a different person now; I wouldn't put up with any nonsense from my XW, and zero tolerance doesn't make for a good relationship. Second, I highly suspect round two would have the same ending as the first go-round. For me, once is enough.

[Ready2Change]

Link


The whole post is a good read. This part stands out:

Pursuing, gift buying, passive, non-argumentive, clingy, needy, nice guy tendencies didn't work and honestly they never will for anyone. I personally went from being needy, weak and wussy man like to being an ultra hard a$$ before I found my happy medium, I had to go from one extreme to another before I found where I needed to be for me. My wife respects me now where as before she didn't, the respect was established because I finally understood that respect is a requirement above all else, there can be no love between spouses unless respect is in place. An understanding of attraction between men & women is also important, taking responsibility for my actions and my wife taking responsibility for her actions was also key in our current progress.

[gzabetas]

Thanks for robx's reposts Ready2Change.

I have read them multiple times to get a glimpse of what is possible.

[Ready2Change]

Thanks for robx's reposts Ready2Change.

I have read them multiple times to get a glimpse of what is possible.

Read as many post from PuppyDogTails, Coach, RobX, AllenA as you can. They knew this stuff inside and out. RobX always gave great advise. Yesterday I dug into his threads to see how his sitch started and ended.

[Ready2Change]

Link

Here she goes again:
And really? Again you don’t acknowledge my text??
Why you feel the need to make this so much worse than it already is? You apologize and apologiZe but then I try to make things civil and get along and I get nothing back! Is that how you want it?
Then she tried to call me twice and I did t answer then I got this text:
It really is so sad this is bringing me back to all the times you didn’t answer me... horrible feeling.

I haven’t responded yet.
I hope you all are right, because right now it doesn’t feel right to me.

Now she wants me to call her.

"Yes W that is how I want it moving forward. I need time and space to heal and move on. Please only contact me in regards to the children or finances. "

She’s trying to manipulate you.

[Ready2Change]

Link

Some people think that a WAW is hard, angry, cold. In a fog. There's more to her than that.

4 years ago, a woman laid in bed at night, not wanting to wake up in the morning. There was no way out. She couldn't divorce him. He would have visitation without her there to protect them. He had never hit them, but he surely didn't understand how to care for them. He didn't even know who they were.

She couldn't leave. She had no job, no way of putting food on the table for the children she loved. She had been dependent for so long, & she trusted this man to provide for her. Now she lay in bed, wondering who he was, & how she got her. These were not the choices she would have made, if she had a 2nd chance.

She couldn't talk to him. He couldn't hear her. She desperately wanted to share herself with him. He had walls up. She couldn't penetrate them. He seemed so content to work, watch TV, eat & sleep. Why didn't he want more, like she ?

She felt trapped. She resented herself for letting him treat her this way for so long. He told her often enough, he was a good husband. She needed so much more from him. She tried telling him, for years she tried, then she cried, she begged, she pleaded, but he couldn't hear.

He was cold, hard, in a fog.

She tried everything, she read every book. She prayed her heart out. She tried to be more Christ-like. Figuring if she set the example, he would follow.

She knew it came down to two choices. Her children's happiness, or hers. She would sacrifice hers. She decided to stay, & raise the children, with this man who would never know her. When they moved out, so would she. Then she would salvage what was left of her.

She put her heart in a dusty old box in the top of the closet. It was easier. She didn't hurt anymore, she was numb.

When she finally quit trying, & tried to fill her hours with distractions, he noticed. His fog was lifting. He wasn't quite so cold, so hard. She didn't care. It was too late. She was numb. Her heart was in that box. She vowed never to take it out again.

She stumbled through her days, crossing them off in the calendar. Wondering how much longer she could live this way. Did her children see her unhappiness ? She wondered, are they better off with a single happy parent, or with two parents who co-exist ? The torment was eating her alive. What to do ?

By now, she wasn't sleeping. Wasn't eating. She pulled away from all of her friends. She was dying inside. She desperately wanted, needed to be loved, appreciated, noticed, cherished. She was a beautiful fragile flower slowly dying without water, sunshine & air.

When no one was watching, she cried. She cried til she ran out of tears. She wanted it to be over, she wanted the pain to stop. Everytime she looked at her husband, it reminded her of the pain. The pain that was consuming her. She turned to alcohol to numb the pain. Anything to make the pain go away. Her friends ask her why she's losing so much weight. She wonders, why can't anyone see that I'm dying here. She doesn't try to tell the man she shares a bed with, remember, he can't hear her.

She finally writes him a letter. She says she is done. They need to raise their children, & he's the only one who can be their dad. Now he's fully awake & out of his fog. He's scared. He had no idea how bad she hurt. He thought things were good. He's been living in a separate reality from her.

He says he'll change, he'll do anything, to make her happy. He says his family is the most important thing to him. She doesn't believe him. She's numb. Her heart is safely in that box. He tries, she watches. He tries some more, she watches. He's dying now. She's numb. Now he wants the pain to stop. She's numb. She wonders why did things have to go this far before he would hear me ? Now she doesn't want to talk to him. She's numb. Talking to him reminds her how much she used to hurt, she can see it in his eyes now. Her survival instincts kick in, at least she doesn't hurt now. She's numb.

The only place to go from numb is anger. He tries some more, she can see he's making changes. Now comes the buried anger. The anger that she wanted to express to him for all the years past. The anger she was afraid to show. He doesn't realize, angry is better than numb. He takes her anger. For 12 months he takes her anger. Sometimes he fights back, & when he does she goes numb again.

She's so scared to take her heart out of that dusty box. Numb is so much safer. Angry is so much safer. Does he know how hard it is for her. She knew the day that her children were born, that she would give her life for them. She just didn't know it would be like this.

Sometimes he tries to push her to heal faster. She's doing her best. He wants more from her at times. She's doing her best.

Some nights, the pain returns, & she remembers, & she just can't sleep. She's not numb anymore, and the anger is going away. She doesn't know how or where, but it is. She's so scared. Numb is safer. Angry is safer. If she gives in to her fear, to her sometimes overwhelming fear, everyone will call her a WAW. She wanted you to know.
_________________________

[Ready2Change]

Link

What is really sinking in with these WW, WAW, MLC, whatever you wish to call them is the audacity of their actions.

If you've ever read posts on other forums by WAW's, it really helps you to realize there are two sides to every story. A lot of women will talk about how absent their H was from the marriage. When we court women we spend a LOT of time with them. If we're not at work then we're with them, or talking to them on the phone, or texting them. They get our undivided attention. We nurture them, support them, fulfill them emotionally, talk about hopes and dreams and the future. Eventually we get married and that's when most men get lazy. She's "in the bag" so there's no longer a need to focus so much attention on her. So we get wrapped up in work, hobbies, kid stuff. We forget her birthday or the anniversary. We barely talk to them. We complain to them instead of talking about hopes and dreams. And we think it's no big deal because "she's my wife, she understands."

Here's the thing, men don't need all that emotional support nonsense, right? Just sex now and then gets the job done. BUT WOMEN DO NEED IT. They need it a LOT, and if they don't get it from us then they WILL eventually seek it out elsewhere. But before that they will start dropping hints. They would tell us, but most of us are so quick to anger that they are afraid to. So they hint instead. We don't take hints very well, we need 2x4's. But they're scared to do that. So they hint and hint and hint and nothing changes. Then they decide to give up and plan their escape. THAT's when we finally get the 2x4 called BD. But by then it's too late to fix all the wrongs that led to their decision.

I hear a lot of language like yours here- "audacity". How dare she do this, destroy the marriage, destroy the family. How can she be such an evil monster. But most WAS's would use the exact same language about their LBS. How dare they mislead me like this, first focus all their energy on me until we get married and then all but abandon me.

Her "truth" is very real and honest and accurate to her just as yours is to you. But here's the trick, you have to set your version aside and try to understand HER truth. If you can be honest with yourself about what YOU did to lead her to this point, THEN you can go on your path of growth.

[Ready2Change]

Link

If you’re depressed, you’re living in the past.
If you’re anxious, you’re living in the future.
If you’re content, you’re living in the present.

Live the present, face reality. Cool, calm, collected.
Time and patience are key factors.

[Ready2Change]

Link

You are still putting your happiness and well being on your W being in your life. ....What you truly want is the pain to go away. Trust me, your W coming back won't stop the pain.

When you have grace and joy, no person can steal that from you. Find peace, I know it's hard. Also, most of us on here had to fake it to get to a place of acceptance.

Take it from me, even if your W comes around, it won't change to fact you need to heal. I'm working with these issues now, insecurities, comparisons, hyper worrying. They are going away the more I learn to love myself. It's nothing my wife can do to help me process or make those things better. Having confidence in myself and knowing that I cant control another person does. No matter what the outcome of my M, I will be fine. I now know that. Will there be pain, yes. But I will make it thru whatever obstacles are in my way.

Just because you have a good day, don't erase the pains of the past. Being Consistent and time does. She must see, those type of days and a confident Wolf.

I had a preacher tell me that my W had a rollerdex of pictures of me in her mind, and they were all bad, my job now is to overwrite all those old pictures/slash memories with better pictures. That way when she thinks of me, if there enough good photos/memories the old ones won't come up first. Getting all those old memories overwritten takes time.

Takes yesterday as a good memory stored and old bad memory overwritten. One day at a time.


Onward and forward

[Ready2Change]

Link

I think your guys number one problem is expectations. If you want to go then go. Just don't have any expectations that it will change anything. If you don't want to go then let them know why you don't want to go. Say something like "W we are not a family anymore. I need time to heal and move on and spending time with your family will delay/prevent this process right now. Make it clear that this is how you feel right now.

You guys also have to remember that your Ws are likely 2-3 years ahead of you in this process. They have mourned the end of the marriage but may not want to completely cut you out of their lives. You may also feel the same 2-3 years down the road. That is why they are ok being friends.