Quotes Found on DivorceBusting (8)

[Ready2Change]

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Despite what you are going through, you have got to remain mindful of how important your parenting responsibilities are.

No matter your differences, you should make every effort to unite in love behind your children and offer them unconditional support. And if your WAS is not willing to be a proper parent, then you should double down on being the best parent possible, because your kid/ kids need it now more than ever.

[Ready2Change]

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For Mother’s Day weekend it’s my week to have the boys. I told W they can spend mother’s day with her. She did invite me over to the house since her side of the family is doing a crawfish boil. I declined. I asked my S6 and S11 what they want to get mom, and S6 said chocolates and S11 said flowers. We will spend Saturday creating something personal for her like a thank you card from them for all the wonderful things she’s done for them. I might encourage S11 to make a poem or S6 to draw a picture. Whatever they want to do for mom I will encourage.

[Ready2Change]

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Regarding dealing with criticism from the W...The first thing I would say is never get emotional in response to criticism. The reason you don't get emotional is because W does not have the power to get you riled up with her commentary. Understand this - she is not in control of you and does not have power over you. She can't make you feel bad about yourself. You seem to be doing a very good job of staying calm, keep it up. Don't let her get you worked up or suck you in, EVER! Stay strong in this effort.

Second thing would be never get defensive or justify yourself or your actions/in-actions to her in response to criticism. Don't try to explain or use logic because you are dealing with someone who will not connect with that, and more importantly if you try and explain or rationalize you are giving credence to W's criticism and attitude. Not defending yourself can be really hard sometimes as this is a natural tendency, but what you are doing is playing into her game and operating in her frame instead of yours, and that is not where you want to be.

W walked in later and started nitpicking and criticizing the way I had washed the baby bottles. She even complained that I was shaking the bottles the wrong way. Looking for everything and anything she could criticize me about. To this complaint I responded calmly "thanks for the advice but my way works just fine too."

You handled this well in my opinion. I call it the "thanks for the input, but" response, which is a good one. Another option in this circumstance is to say nothing, just look her in the eyes for 3 or 4 seconds while you continue to shake the bottle your way. You can do this with a smirk and raised eyebrow, or just with a blank stare.

She texted me later a picture of a tiny cut on our sons hand. I replied "oh no he must have gotten that from holding the open can." She replied "cuz you grabbed it out of his hand" implying blame. I had had enough of the criticism for the day and replied, " I am tired of your criticism and blame. Yes I took the can from him because it isn't safe for him to be holding that".

This one is a little trickier because it's a text and not face-to-face. You could consider not even responding to the picture text as you know what W is trying to do by sending it. You know the blame game is on. I have used a couple different approaches in similar circumstances - one of which is ignore, another is "OMG do you think they're going to need to amputate?!", another is "thank God I was able to get that can out of his hand so quickly and he only has a tiny cut".

My W has hit me with some crazy blame-game stuff, I will take anyone's challenge on this site as to who has endured crazier blame tactics, I'm going to win that one. My #1 response is "YOU think THAT was MY fault?!", with a smile or smirk. When W of course says "Yes", I just laugh. It's great.

Venting: I haven't mentioned it in my sitch much but W is highly critical and controlling. She wants everything done her way and if i do something a different way from her she lays on the criticism and blame. Things as insignificant as how to shake a bottle.

Your W may have anxiety issues that are the basis of her controlling behavior. Do a google search and youtube search on "anxious wife" and similar terms and you may find some helpful information.

I also think you should do a google search on "sh_t tests", where you will find lots of helpful information and insight. It sounds like you are a lot like me, in that you do not put up with much BS, and you have a good foundation to build on when dealing with BS from the W, so a lot of the tips you will find will come easy to you to employ.

Harsh criticism is a relationship killer. It starts a domino effect or chain reaction of bad interactions that much of the time leads to D unless the cycle is broken. All you can do is your part. There are lots of resources here and on the web that you can tap into to get more ideas on how to deal with your W's constant criticism. Pretty much everyone agrees - don't get emotional and don't get defensive, explain or rationalize. Do ignore, or act amused, smirk or laugh, or agree and amplify to a ridiculous level.

[Ready2Change]

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Don't beat yourself for thinking that is progress. It is, just not to the extent that you think. Below is a post I have saved and I think will beneficial to you.

Your wife believes you are the reason she is unhappy. As you probably know, the only way she's going to overcome that deeply held belief is for you to open the cage door and completely cut her free. If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:

1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) She's willing to work to win you

Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.

Given that you have to make things worse before they can possibly get better, separation may not be a bad choice, but I would advise pursuing a separation with the same rules you would have if you were divorced, which is to say that you don't continue to co-mingle your lives (aside from the kids) and you are free to live your own lives without social accountability to the other person.

That way she can really see if that way of life is better or worse for her. Prepare yourself that in the beginning she will view it as better, mainly because she'll find new found freedom and has convinced herself that it’s what she wants. It may take six months or two years for reality to set in, but it certainly will.

My advice would be to lean in to what she wants, agree to separate, and work productively with her on the plan with the presentation that you're on board and plan to enjoy this change also. That's going to make her wonder. You want her to wonder what you're thinking, and from this point forward you shouldn't tell her anything about your frame of mind -- nothing at all.

[Ready2Change]

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I'm getting closer to the point of not having a reaction when she tells me things like 'I have plans Friday night, so make sure you pick up the kids on time'. I have my reaction in the truck, and I yell at her there, by myself, and get it out, but she can't get a rise out of me anymore on much of anything, she keeps poking and prodding to see if she can. Picking a fight with me has been her way to keep power over me, since I would apologize for whatever she blamed me for every time.

Ready to be done with the process, so the proverbial noose around my neck can be removed. She likes having that power over me and controlling my finances via the court. It will be over soon enough.

Starting to get interest from other women. Hard to not cave and just start a new relationship, given that its been 18 months since I lived at home, even though its only been 5 months since she filed.

[Ready2Change]

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Confrontation:

Some people get the idea I am not in favor of confronting the WW about her affair. That's not true. I'm not in favor of confronting her when the H doesn't have a plan of action, with swift and harsh consequences if necessary. He has to be ready to physically separate, b/c telling her how much he wants to work on the M, etc., is the weak. She needs to see him standing up to her and being disgusted by her actions. She needs to wonder what he is going to do next. The last thing he should do is plead for the MR, and ask her to work on the relationship, yada, yada, yada. She'll see this type of reaction as sniveling, disgusting, and pathetic. She may not show those feelings on the surface, but it's b/c she is playing him for more time.

He should not "ask" her what she wants. He should not "ask" her what she plans to do. That gives her a sense of power over him. He cannot show emotion. He must stand straight & tall, and speak with a voice of confidence. Don't yell, lose control, cry, beg, start naming all your faults (she sees it as justification for her actions). Don't start apologizing for your part in the breakdown of the relationship, and don't take this time to start trying to validate her. Don't tell her you've already forgiven her!! In other words, this is strictly about you informing her that you know she has been concealing an affair.......and that you won't remain in an open marriage. (If you aren't ready to enforce that boundary, then don't say it.) As the man, and faithful spouse, you are the one who call the shots at this point. She may say she wants a divorce. Okay, don't argue and say that's not what you. B/c she has to see you being "done" at this point. I know it is scary, but her wayward mind will be doing cartwheels. Don't waver if she says ANYTHING other than she was wrong and wants to make things right and save the M. This scenario doesn't happen often, but it happens sometimes when the timing and approach is right.

One of the biggest mistakes I see H's make in the confrontation is them letting it spin into a long discussion about their relationship. This is not the time to engage in a relationship discussion. You don't sit down and start discussing everything wrong in the MR. Understand? This is not the time for all that talk. If you give her a crack, she'll use it to slither away from the purpose of this confrontation, and she'll twist things around until you won't know which end is up. This is the time she needs to know she has been caught. You have her number, and you don't intend to play along any further. You keep it short, on point, and then you leave the house without telling her where you are going or when you'll be back. You ignore her texts (b/c she will text you the minute you leave), and in fact, turn off you phone. You want nothing to do with her. She needs to panic!! She won't panic if you are assuring her that you want to save the M.

Confrontation merely let's her know that you know enough......and she'll either go further underground, or play games. Most WW's want to know exactly how much the H knows and how he found out. Don't tell her everything you know or how you found out. This is very important. Don't get into guessing games with her. You are the one in charge here.

Where I disagree with some H's and how they confronted the WW, is that the majority of H's seem to think this confrontation is going to shock the WW and she'll immediately show remorse for the affair. Some H's want to use the confrontation to find out more about the affair. And, a lot of H's seem to think the WW will end the affair after she's confronted. I have to say this rarely happens, but it's possible. I mean, even if the WW shows certain responses the H is hoping to see.........it is seldom genuine. Actually, the confrontation puts the W on notice. She usually temp checks him, secures her Plan B, takes her affair deeper undercover, and continues the game playing. IMHO, the H should be so convincing in his approach that it sends her into panic mode to realize she has been discovered and now she could lose her family.....for real.

It's difficult to give a mock confrontation with what to say, etc. Let me share some of my opinions, and some that I found in an article.

Before confrontation:

Have plenty of proof she is cheating. Don't go in accusing, if you don't have the proof. You don't have to have this confrontation right away. Take plenty of time to observe her stories or accounts about her activity.....so, if she tries to lie her way out.....you recognize it and remember what you observed. Based on your evidence, think ahead of what she might say to convince you it's not what you think and she's not really cheating. You have to be prepared by thinking how you will respond to her denials. Don't argue with her, just remain calm and in control. You know what the intell shows.

If you have one very trustful friend (not any mutual friends), you can show the evidence that friend to get an unbiased viewpoint. I don't advise asking relatives, or putting it out on social media, but that's MHO. Having a solid longstanding friend can give you moral support, but be careful.
Have a sense of your game plan before you approach her. Know what you will say/do should she confess, and should she continue to lie & deny.

Don't confront if either of you have been drinking.
Don't have the confrontation late at night.
Don't confront in the presence of children, or where you'll likely be interrupted.
Choose a quiet atmosphere, with only the two of you.
Don't confront if either of you are already having a high stress day, showing anxiety, impatience, anger, etc.
Make sure there is plenty of time for this confrontation. Don't do it right before some appointment, going to work/school, etc.

The confrontation:

You may say you need to discuss something serious with her. Once you have her attention, you can something like, "I have reasons that suggest you might be having an affair".

She may immediately want to know how much you know....and especially, how you found out.
Say that her behavior led you to become concerned and that you felt it was warranted to a find out what was going on....... given how serious cheating is.

She'll probably get upset about you invading her privacy, or try to turn the conversation around to focus on your faults, even blame you for her affair. She may tell you that you're crazy and/or imagining things. Calmly bring the focus back by re-affirming it was her behavior that has given you serious concerns.... and that this conversation is about whether or not she is cheating on you.

"I knew there were problems in our MR, and I had hoped we could work through it. However, I feel you've completely disrespected me with this affair".

"We can choose to get help in healing our MR, or we can end it". "I won't stay in an M while my W has an affair". So, we both have a serious decision to make".

Understand there is no way to completely predict what your W will do. She may shock me and burst into tears begging for forgiveness. But, I don't think she will. Her heart is hard & cold.

If she should show remorse and says she wants to save the M, then be prepared to tell her you need a few days to consider what it would take for you to remain in the M. IMHO, you need to tell her this b/c you don't want her thinking you are jumping at the chance to be with a cheater. So many H's are too eager and accept the WW back too easily. She has to really work hard to get out of that wayward frame of mind.

[Ready2Change]

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I've been working on a novel that explains why WAS's do what they do and you might find it helpful, here it is:

"____________________________________________"

Yup that's it, nothing they do makes sense, LOL! There's really no figuring it out.

[Ready2Change]

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When they want to reconnect you will know. If they don't, you'll be confused.

[Ready2Change]

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Know this...this stuff takes time. That was a tough pill to swallow for an impatient person like myself. However there is no way to rush it. Try to take things one day at a time. You’re going to fall, dust yourself off and get back up. You’re going to make mistakes, be kind to yourself.

I think I’ve broke all the DB rules at least once. Lol! I can totally admit it. However what I will tell you is DB techniques really do work.

This isn’t an easy road to walk. However, we must have faith that we will come out of this stronger than we were when we started this journey.

Please know that I still slip up. There are times when I still let my H upset me. I’m better at controlling the need to react. I’m learning that not every action deserves a reaction....Take time for yourself. Self-care is essential during this journey. And again, just know healing takes time. This too shall pass.

Sending you encouragement and love. You’ve got this, just keep the faith!

[Ready2Change]

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Don't let anyone scare you into doing something you don't want to do. People here can warn you about some incidents they know happened, but at the end of the day......it's easy for us to tell you what to do. Know what I mean? If you get charged or penalized in some fashion, who has to pay? Not us! Read the pros & cons, and get the legal advice of your lawyer, and do what you feel is best. Just be aware! I think that's what everyone is trying to say.