Everything going okay, feeling pretty detached and have accepted this current MR is over. Been emotionally stable for the past few weeks. Had to reinforce boundary of W talking to me in angry tone once about a week ago, hasn’t happened since. Feeling respected, strong and confident.
Yesterday when my son would nap, I would leave the house/room and work on projects. After son went to bed I left W in living room and read in my MBR. She came in a bit later and had a few beers with me. She initiated quite a bit of conversation which I replied pretty shortly but pleasantly to.
She said she was going to sleep and started putting her leg over me. I kept moving her leg off me and eventually moved further from her in the bed. She then started cuddling me. One thing led to another and we did some s*xual stuff. Not s*x though.
Some may say she was temp checking or whatever but I was in the mood for it so I don’t care, the way I see it I got something I wanted. After s*xual stuff she said “we shouldn’t be doing this anymore”. I replied “it’s just for fun, no strings attached. Don’t over think it”. She replied that “we are married it does mean something.” (She has said this a few times lately not sure why lol). I replied “yeah but only for a few more weeks”.
Not as direct of a message as I wanted but I think I got the idea across that as far as I’m concerned, once she leaves this MR is over.
Been noticing a lot of pursuit from her lately. Think I’m doing well not reacting. Then again I’m not doing things to see how she reacts so it doesn’t even matter. After the first few weeks of BD I was an emotional mess. Feeing really good now that I have detached a bit. Feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. More later, thanks.
1.) She has to realize after she leaves or after you let her go, that life is better with you. (This could take years.) 2.) You are the more attractive, consistent, emotionally stable, cool, calm and collected option. 3.) She has to pursue you, has to have total motivation and initiative to want it VERY BADLY, and work for you. She's leaving, she's staying? It shouldn't matter to you either way.
Thanks IHCLACS, you are right. The last week she has transitioned from logistics to R talks multiple times. Every time it gets my thoughts going. How do you recommend shutting these R talks down?
I will continue DBing. It seems as if she if very uncertain and insecure about her goals at the moment.
They are mostly insecure about their goals because they follow their feelings and intuition torwards change, but fear the logistics, steps, commitment and hard work to maintain true freedom and independence. They want it, but they fear the struggle. Im willing to bet if you have a convo with them about it just for the hell of it. Not to obtain brownie points or anything, cause she's done with you. But pay attention how much they want to talk with you when they are having a hard time figure their life out. Pay attention to how much it's all about them. Im willing to bet even the best of well intention WAS won't even ask you about how you are doing, what you are planning, what your goals are, etc.or take an interest in you.
Maybe others could advise here a better way to shut R talks down. Me? I just plainly tell the W I'm not having that discusion anymore if it comes up again. I don't think it will though. But if you want to handle it with a little more confidence and finess? As soon as she brings it up, let her say her piece, then you reply "I appreciate you telling me the way you feel, but I would have to think about that." No timeline, no reassurances, no direct answers. They have you and the marriage in limbo, its their decision to stay or go which they can't make up their minds on..so...keep it there, leave it there, and walk away.
Think about it from a woman's perspective. What do they value the most? Time, value, and the quality of it.. Why? Because of their biology. They test unconsciously for their protector, their lover, their provider. They speak in subtleties. Guys have to read between the lines. They make decisions on emotions. Some call it intuition. Although it can guide people in the right direction in life. I noticed something the other day in convo with W. All the changes she has intuition and feelings to make, she's insecure if she will succeed. What does that tell you? All dreams, all motivational pep talk, no action, no plans, no logistics. They don't trust their own intuition.
So its like this. At one point in time you attracted W because of the way you made her feel about you, and about herself, at some point that changed, yoh no longer fit into her expectations, future, or picture. So? She thinks she can find it somewhere else or with someone else. Her feelings changed. They can be changed again. That's what makes feelings fickle. Listen to your feelings. But don't ever put them above your principles, values, morals and honor. Feelings are good, but are fleeting and subject to change. There is so much more to choosing love, marriage, shared life, etc. Finances, sex, affection, love language, trust, honor, personality fit, value, teamwork, treatment, reciprocity, goals, direction, communications, future, etc. Make it a good choice for you. Let feelings guide you, But don't let it be your guide in life. .
That makes a lot of sense trying to understand the process. I think to shut down the R talk next time I will say something like, “ we have already discussed this and if you have nothing new to say I don’t want to talk about it.”
Just gonna do a little journaling with a question at the end:
Not much going on since my last post. Last few nights W has been initiating cuddling. She has been friendly. She has asked “what’s wrong” multiple times. Probably because of DB behavior.
I came across some old pictures of us at a country concert having a great time. I know I’m doing well at detaching but I had a moment of sadness. It’s just crazy to me that after going through so much with a person good and bad, that they can just be done with you like the flick of a switch. I know I messed up on a lot of things through out the MR, but damn I think I did a lot of things right too. Anyone moving on from the pity party.
So a few days after BD was our 1 year marriage anniversary (7 years) together. I had not found DB at that time so I wrote a really thoughtful card to her. That card ended up untouched for a week and then on the floor behind a table. I left it there.
I came home yesterday and the wife had cleaned up my MBR. She had put the card in the bed with what looked like other bits of garbage. I ended up tearing it up and putting it in the garbage. This morning she saw it. After I loaded my son in her car I was walking back to the house. She rolled down her window and asked for a hug. Which she hasn’t done since before BD. As I approached she said “it made me really sad that you threw away the card. I was going to keep it. I replied “well you left it untouched on the floor for a month so I figured it was trash.” I hugged her and she said something about me touching her fat to which I complimented her that she wasn’t fat at all.
Other than that she has been showering with the door open again. As of BD she began showering with the door closed.I had suspected EA through the phone but had no hard evidence. I kinda wonder if she told the possible OM to stop contact until she moves out in 3 weeks. Or maybe there is no OM who knows.
I know Sandi suspected she was a WW but I feel that she’s a more typical WAW. She hasn’t been going out partying and drinking. She continues to be a great mother to our son and spends a lot of time with him. She has even really opened up to me since BD. Her mom said to me the other day that before my W decided to move out she told her mom that she wanted to make sure I had a plan before they moved out. From what I’ve heard most WW don’t give a damn about the LBS so this was interesting.
Things seem to be improving but in the end she is still planning on moving out. We’ll see what happened down the road.
Was it wrong of me to tear up the card? I spoke very calmly about it and didn’t show any anger over the situation. Just figures the wife who was leaving me had no interested in the love card.
Hey guys, I just wanted to do a little documentation on what has changed since I started DBing. BD: 3/26/19 W decided to separate: 4/4/19 Started DBing: roughly 4/6/19
How my W acted around BD:
Cold and distant, barely saying 4 sentences to me per day. Started showering/bathing with door closed. (Always open before) No affection. Said I love you only if I said first. Avoided kissing on lips. Slept basically falling off the edge of bed. If I touched her, she would recoil and move away. If I touched her in bed she would recoil almost off the edge of bed. Said wasn’t interested in doing s*xual stuff. Acted very differently to the person she was before. Did not initiate R talks. Expressed 0 interest in counseling
After almost a month of DBing well. In the past week my W has:
Acted very friendly. Initiated conversation many times per day. Has joked around with me. Has been flirtatious. Finds reasons to talk to me (usually about our son) Been incredibly insecure about where I am going, who I have been texting. Has found reasons to touch me non s*xually. Initiated s*xual interactions twice. (Still no s*x though) Has showered/bathed with door open again the last 5 nights. Has initiated touching/cudding in bed last 5 nights. No longer sleeps practically off edge of bed. Has initiated massaging each other twice. Has expressed sadness with my detachment twice. Has initiated 3 R talks. Has expressed possible interest in counseling. Has talked about future plans together Has been walking around naked/in underwear in front of me. (Wasn’t around BD.)
I’m not trying to read into her actions. I know a lot of this could be temp checks. I just wanted to show how my 180s, detachment and GAL have affected her behavior towards me. I find it very interesting.
Side note. During week after BD I wasn’t eating and couldn’t sleep. After detaching I am eating well and sleeping well, have even gained some pounds of muscle after a long plateau. My W has had trouble eating and sleeping since BD. She has been having stomach problems since BD and even went to the Dr. yesterday. Shows how detachment can be so helpful and positive because I have been feeling great lately. Seems like her insecurities and uncertainties about the future are really stressing her out. Without DBing I would probably be doing just as bad. So thankful I found this forum and thankful for all the advice.
Just fyi the typical WAW is a WW. 99% of the situations here involve infidelity. I've not read your whole sitch yet either but there are positives. Just dont get expectations that those will mean something.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Quick update (i say quick but we’ll see how she goes lol)
Yesterday when W got home from work I told her, “after I give our S a bath and get him to bed I’m going out”. She asked a few questions about it to which I responded truthfully but brief. “Going out with some new guys on my team” “you don’t know them”.
Anyway had a great night out with the boys, did some drinking and sports watching at this awesome local sports bar. Wasn’t concerned with thoughts about my sitch. When I got home I was hit with more questioning from the W. “What did you drink” “were there girls with you” blah blah blah. Again I answered shortly.
W tried to touch me with her leg in bed to which I recoiled from. Usually I’m receptive to when she initiates cuddling or touch but I kinda wanted to be less open to her pursuit. Not sure if that is an advisable thing to do? Or should I be reciprocating her same level?
This morning W snapped at me twice. Once was about how I didn’t listen. Earlier she mentioned that she might be getting a cold. I replied “that’s not good”. A few minutes later the convo went: W: what are the symptoms of allergies? Me: Answered her question then said why are you asking? W: I already told you I think I’m getting a cold. GOD you never listen to me. Me: I did hear you say that you were getting a cold earlier but you were asking about allergies.
Tried to defend my self while validating. She just seemed to be looking for a reason to be upset. She did something similar a few minutes later. Also, she changed from her night wear to her work clothes out in the hallway where the washer/dryer is. She stood in her revealing underwear for a minute before walking away from me toward our room. I was checking her out lol. As she turned the corner to our room she looked back directly at me in the living room.
I’m pretty sure she was checking to see if I was looking at her butt, which I was. But damn I wish I hadn’t been haha. Felt like a total temp check or her wanting attention. Oh well I guess it’s not a big deal. I guess still in this damn limbo lol, some days I have trouble gauging how responsive I should be to her. I know I’m supposed to treat her like the grocery store clerk. Should I cuddle the clerk if she initiates? Hahaha advice is appreciated.
She's testing you for self respect. Sexually and picking fights testing for you're emotional stability. IMO. You ate Definately doing something right. Keep doing what you are doing. Do not stop until full Reconciliation is back on the table. You know she is manipulating you by giving you a sneakie preview out of the shower, I'm glad for your post cuz it reminded me of what mine is doing as well, here and there on occaision. Keep it steady. Make her work even harder for you. You are not overly interested, but you are not distant either. Which is good
Not much new. I have been doing a ton of work around the house: cleaning up the backyard, wall mounted a new tv in the MBR, started hanging up decorations that my W told me I couldn’t when we moved in here. I got a hat rack yesterday and hung it up.
Last night W came into MBR and saw the hat rack. She got annoyed/upset and said “oh so now you are organized”. She has said similar things lately after a lot of my 180s. Like she is getting annoyed that now I am changing and doing things that she may have wanted a year ago. I didn’t respond because I thought it may start an argument and I was reading. Is it typical for WAWs to be annoyed with 180s? Maybe she thought I bought that just to impress her? Or she is annoyed that I’m changing now when in her mind the R is over?
A minute or two after that comment. She got into bed next to me and was complaining about how she cut her toe open earlier. She was being friendly and we talked about it for a minute. Was strange that she went from annoyed to starting a friendly chat a minute later.
I know she is noticing my changes. When I picked up our son yesterday I was dressed pretty nicely, wearing cologne and my hair looked good. She made a comment about how nice my shirt was and where it was from. Some of the changes and 180s she reacts to with anger/annoyance. Can anyone explain this? It seems like she is mad that I’m changing when she has already decided to get out of the R. Is that pretty typical?
Also what are some signs of respect? I feel like she still has respect for me. I believe she is deep undercover if she is indeed having an EA. I think she is deep undercover because she knew if I found out she would be kicked to the curb and I wouldn’t deal with her sh*t. That kind of feels like respect in a way? Also the amount of attitude and back talking she has done to me has greatly decreased. Pre BD she constantly had attitude and in the month of DBing I can count on 1 hand the amount of times she has talked to me in a way I find unacceptable.
