So I am noticing as I am DB'ing that I am getting the following reactions: (just want to confirm these are common/normal)
Lots of temp checks; are you mad? are you ok? are you distant?
And then being downright rude seeing if I'll take the bait.
This normal????
Yes. Si one of the things I encourage you to do is to start read other people's sitches. You'll see that a lot of this is typical WAS behavior, as they feel the loss of control over the LBS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So yeah, I'm back down to earth again. The DB'ing has been hard. We've been at home most of the weekend. Doing things with the kids, getting stuff cleared out for a "garage sale" which I think should be a moving sale.
I have not mentioned any talk about marriage, divorce, love, feelings or what she's doing, where she's going, etc.
I tried something new last night to GAL. I went out after the kids went down. She asked if I was going downstairs to watch a movie but I said if it's ok with you I'm going out, told her I didn't know where just was.
I changed clothes, splashed on a little cologne.
Before I left, she asks if SHE would be able to go out at night (not that she ever couldn't) if it was unplanned.
I had hoped for a much better eye opener for her. But it feels like I poked the sleeping bear. She wants even more freedom which I get since I've been controlling.
Ever since I started DB'ing I've gotten a ton of temperature check (are you ok? are you mad? you seem emotionally distant)
But she's also been contentious as hell. Every conversation seems to lead to her getting frustrated if she can't get me to explain something to her liking, or she is short fused or something.
Are these all normal?
I went to an art show last night. On a Sunday. It wasn't my scene. Truth is I want to be home with a wife, my wife, snuggling during a movie and falling asleep for the next day's work day.
Frustrated.
Si, first " I said if it's ok with you I'm going out, told her I didn't know where just was"??? Huh? Seriously, "Can I go out?"
Remember, you are getting your respect back. The guy that commands respect doesn't ask for permission. Next time:
- Get ready. - Be ready to go OUT the door. - Pass by her and say "I am going out for a bit." - Leave without saying anything else. - If she protests, follows you, continues to ask questions, listen and validate.
"I had hoped for a much better eye opener for her. But it feels like I poked the sleeping bear. She wants even more freedom which I get since I've been controlling. "
I really wish I had a 2x4 to smack you upside the head! LOL
NO EXPECTATIONS!! You GAL for YOU, not for a reaction from her. Not for a "better eye opener" for her. Who cares how she reacts.
I've told LBSs this dozens of times: she could come to you and tell you she had a gangbang with 50 guys, and it should roll off of your back like water off a duck. DETACHMENT, IE not to react emotionally to anything she says and does.
She is testing you on all of this. To see your resolve. She wants to see how easy it is to reestablish control over you. You are the one that needs the eye opener, not her. You need to open your eyes to the fact that the more you focus on her with your DBing activties the less chance of success you will have.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Special circumstance with the letting her know I'd be going out rather than ask permission. Part of my control issues we're doing what I wanted previously and questioning what she did (I wonder why with 3 affairs) but I at least want to be courteous going forward that I'll be going out.
I'm curious now how she will assert her new freedom as she still sends me a text when she comes home from work.
When she asked about her ability to go out I responded she was free to do what she'd like.
But you're right. The GAL is for me. I just felt so old last night. I usually go to bed early. I like to rise early. I like to be home with my family and home on a Sunday night. So it depressed me.
These are the times that I look back on 18 months full of trying to convince her to stay, her having multiple As and trying a new technique to save our marriage.
The limbo is a killer and while I'm grateful for the time to try, there is a lot of me that wants to get going with a new house, new life, new situation.
Ultimately I want a new marriage with her.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
"Special circumstance with the letting her know I'd be going out rather than ask permission. Part of my control issues we're doing what I wanted previously and questioning what she did (I wonder why with 3 affairs) but I at least want to be courteous going forward that I'll be going out."
Prior to BD extending this courtesy would have worked. Post BD it makes you look weak and not respectable. This is a mistake LBSs make all the time. THere is a difference between 180ing on bad behaviors that are just bad. And 180ing on complaints she had prior to BD. For instance, a lot of WASs complain about the lack of affection and even sometimes sex prior to BD. However, as you can see, trying to be affectionate and initiate sex is not the right move POST BD. If you were mean, critical and overbearing prior to BD, then yes absolutely 180 on that.
See the distinction?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That's what happened to me 1st unplanned night I went out dressed up, and to tell you the truth is has been progressing over the last 3 months on both sides. It's a selfish desire to have freedom and not be tied down with the kids. when they see you do it they get jealous and they want to do it too, so expect them to ramp it up. Mine started dressing nicer and wearing lipstick and perfume all the time after that. Started going out more, looking nicer, rings off. Don't ask don't tell policies on where we were going. Its years of jealousy and resentment coming out, so don't react to it. You did poke the sleeping bear, its only the beginning. This is a game of wills. Make sure you respond neutrally to any temp checks. Make a note of them, after a while you'll start seeing patterns in what they say and do. Don't sweat it, stay emotionally parked in neutral and get your long game ready, its only just begun.
Dang IHCLAS. That's one I'm anxious about. She's already been going out for 18 months with girlfriends, etc. In a way I'm prepared for it (even as I write this in my mind).
But up until she has had some sensitivity to my triggers about her affairs. She has tried to give me enough info to be "courteous and respectful".
F**** I hate this process.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
NO EXPECTATIONS!! You GAL for YOU, not for a reaction from her. Not for a "better eye opener" for her. Who cares how she reacts.
I've told LBSs this dozens of times: she could come to you and tell you she had a gangbang with 50 guys, and it should roll off of your back like water off a duck. DETACHMENT, IE not to react emotionally to anything she says and does.
She is testing you on all of this. To see your resolve. She wants to see how easy it is to reestablish control over you. You are the one that needs the eye opener, not her. You need to open your eyes to the fact that the more you focus on her with your DBing activties the less chance of success you will have.
I really need to internalize this.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
Hmmm?.. I wonder sometimes? Is it really "courteous and respectful?" The time for being courteous and respectful was when you were married. She fired you as her H. It's really none of either one of your business now what other one of you does. It's all for reaction and temp checking I believe.
If this allowed freedom is asked for in a conversation, why do y'all suggest as the response?
For example: (if she asks about going out) I'm going out tonight. My response would be "enjoy yourself"
HOWEVER, what if she asks WHY are you ok with this (even hinting that I never was before)
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
