That's progress Phoenix! I know as a big guy and not a good dancer, when I get out there it can feel like a million eyes are watching only you. Just have to keep going and push on through. As with anything like for me skiing, the more times you do it, the more comfortable and less awkward you will feel. The speed dating is great as well. It's not the number you connect with. I assure you ONE quality connection with a great lady will warp speed your detachment. I'm not at all saying you need a relationship if you don't feel ready. Simply put once you fully realize there are other quality women out there who have interest in you, you'll have the whole epiphany of "why am I still wasting my time on WW?" THAT is when your detachment will take off. Grant yourself the grace to work through your feelings as they come up, keep putting yourself out there if for no other reason than to see that there is a TON of possible green grass on the other side of the fence and enjoy yourself. Create your own new control in your life that no one else can take from you!
- Met the woman who I made out with at another social event. I exchanged brief pleasantries before I left the event. She invited me out to dinner at a very fancy (expensive) restaurant. As the evening progressed, I came to realized that she was a gold digger. I am not proud for the way I handled the money part at the end of the meal. I could not pay at that time, but since I assumed that we'll see each other again as friends, I can get the next round. She did not like that at all. She sent me an anger text and told me that we're not friends. I tried to clarify my position but her mind was already made up and told me not to text her again. I paid for my part of it and that was the end of that.
- I went to a speed dating event again where I thought I matched with someone who I clicked with really well. I get an email from later telling me that she felt a friendly vibe with me and would like to hang out as friends in the future. I told her that while I appreciated her offer for friendship, I will have to decline her offer because I was looking for something more substantial, hence the reason I went to the speed dating event.
-WW got a new job in the city and she starts this week. As a result, she is moving out sooner than usual. She has a temporary place to stay (OM2) while she "finds another place and couch surfs". I can tell she was emotionally exhausted. She went to a wine-tasting vacation last weekend and she informed me that the choice to accept the job was on her mind all weekend and could not sleep well at all, much less enjoy her time there. Seeing that as another opportunity for validation, I told her that I can see how such a heavy choice as leaving her old jobs and going into a new one would be very stressful and sad. I offered no advice, and no reassurances. Hell, during one of our chats, I opened up the Validation sticky and referenced that while I talked to her. She nearly broke down again this morning while talking about coordinating parenting efforts and she told me that this while thing is really hard. I told her that I know and I can tell it has been a very hard couple of weeks for her. The temptation to reassure her was there, but I did not. I just listened.
I see her for the first time tonight in nearly two weeks and I have no idea what I am going to say or do if we talk.
I have expressed here before that I am done with her and I am moving on. Now, here I am making small friendly talk, validating, and listening to her. I have not once offered any of my services nor will I plan to. If she asks, I am going to politely decline.
I am also hesitant to say this, but I need to say it:
I still have feelings for her. I still love her. And as much as I say that I don't want her back...my mind and heart are not completely closed towards reconciliation. I think I still want her back. I don't know why I do or why I am thinking these crazy thoughts, but I do hope that people see some things from my point of view.
But I also know that I am not ready to take that step. I am not ready for any relationship, whether it's with her or someone else. I don't plan on pursuing anything serious until I am 40. I am 38 now. I am still learning about attraction, validation, flirtation, and socializing. To go back to her would likely mean that I stop my growth in those areas. I don't want to stop the growth. I don't want to stop the progress. I want to continue to address my NGS issues, my anger issues, and my issues with my insecurities, only because I do not want to go back to the way I was. I never want to be that person again.
Hey Phoenix. Sounds like you are making GAL efforts but are still feeling a bit stuck because your heart still isn't in it. I do not know at what point it is going to stop being an effort for you and become more of a way of life. I suspect you still have a lot of fears and regrets related to your MR. You have to find a way to move forward Phoenix... I mean REALLY move forward... for you. If you really truly love your wife, let her go. Forgive her and more importantly, forgive yourself.
Re: that woman's offer of friendship. TBH, I think that sounds really healthy and smart - especially given where you are at with respect to your feelings for your wife. I met a guy a month ago and we have been developing a friendship. For the most part, I'm okay with it because I really do not want to rush into anything with anybody and I certainly don't want to risk hurting someone or being hurt myself. So...slow and steady seems like the best pace. And don't you want a friendship before you get really involved with anyone anyway? To jump into something more than that, IMO, sounds like a recipe for drama and heartache and you don't need anymore of that.
We understand. It is OK. The only thing that is not OK is for you to pursue her. Be strong, confident, funny, sexy and any other attractive trait you want to project in her presence.
How is the RotG going? I found my copy of the book. I plan on reading along with you. I really like how you were journalling here. I am sure that will help others.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We all know you love her P. It’s ok man. Keep on with the GAL. You are really improving there. Just show her the P that she’s loosing. You are getting into amoafwl.
No expectations. Moving forward.
Be strong there P.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I've been actually doing good on the GAL front. My GAL primarily revolves around social activities including meetups where I have the opportunity to converse and socialize. I am still at the phase where I have to force myself to get out there, even when I face some setbacks. It is still work, but I'm starting to enjoy more aspects of it. As far as the dating goes, I am going to have some fun. I have never experienced single dating life before I met my W. I have another chance to learn again, and get some valuable knowledge and experience on dating and courtship. Again, I am not seeking a relationship of any type at this time. I just want to have some fun.
I have told her that I have forgiven her a handful of times, but there is some bitterness that remains. It's nothing like it was before. It does not fuel much of my anger anymore. Since the episode in which she told me that my anger ruins her days and that I am a pr*ck/a-hole, I have been trying to be pleasant and upbeat around her, on the phone, and through text. As R2C said, I need to be and am working on being strong, confident, funny, sexy, and caring. The goal is not to attract her back. The goal is to make me into the man I have always wanted to be. I keep saying that I am detaching (hell, in the "You will not die" sticky, I claimed that I was FULLY DETACHED when in reality, I was maybe 40%. Now I am about 65%) and my words and actions tend to demonstrate detachment. But I just can't help, even after 16 months of being separated, even as we get closer to her moving out of the house, even as we begin the process of filing the paperwork (I haven't even started yet), even as I think that her and OM2 are progressing towards something deeper, that I have a chance at a new R with W. If it were to start happening, the process is not going to start to happen anytime this year. I don't think it's going to happen next year either. If there was a chance (a huge IF), it would be in 2021.
I am not going to pursue it, I am not going to give up my identity and my self-respect (another reason why I need to date...I need to continue to learn to stand up for myself and gain/maintain that self-respect.), and I will not go back to the way I was before I started this process.
My true focus now is figuring out how I am going to get to spend time with my child while being able to do things that make me happy and healthy, like going to the gym and photography, and going out to social events.
R2C,
I have stalled on Day 7. I may get an opportunity this Thursday to perform that task, but I have to fit that in after I lift. Otherwise, my next opportunity for a chance to put this into action will be next weekend.
Neff,
WW is seeing who I am becoming. Whatever her feelings are for me at this time is something I try not think about too much. If she wants to come back great. If not...great. I am working on accepting either outcome.
