It's been a very long time since my last update and I wanted to fill you in what has been happening in my life in regards to not only my sitch but my life in general.
Summary:
Life is great. I'm the happiest I have ever been in a very long time. My confidence is constantly reaching new heights, my overall moods have for the most part stabilized and settled into a positive, happy normal. My physical health has improved, my relationship with D5 has improved even moreso, and now...I am making progress in my dating life - a life I once struggled with for so long and was briefly set aside with lightning struck when my relationship with my WW began way back in 2008.
Sitch with WW:
I'd be lying if I said I have completely detached from my WW. I have not. There are a few lingering threads that remain, but the more each day passes, the more objectively I can see her. Maybe I just being a little jaded, but WW is a shell of who she once was. She took a new job in the city that has her working upwards of 100 hours per week, and works in an area of Portland that is fast becoming known for petty crime. She has already had her backup camera stolen. In addition, one of her coworkers was in a situation in which a jealous bf threatened her with a gun and shot out her car window. This of course caused the school to go into lockdown mode for the duration of the afternoon and prompted her to call OM2 to pick up DS5 (I still have not met OM2. I know I need to, but I cannot bring myself to do so. The only way I can do is if he hurts D5. That happens and that will end poorly for him.). Following D5's pickup, OM2 got into an accident that injured him. Fortunately D5 escaped with a small shin bruise. Later that day, WW called me crying in hysterics at the events of the days leading up to this (I hate it here, I want to back to the small town at my old job, etc. Nothing about moving back into the house, which...is perfect. I don't want her back.). Things have gotten better, but she is not looking good at all. She appears to have gained weight, she is always complaining of fatigue, and is always dreading her next day at work.
As far as my feelings for her are concerned, I still love her. But right now, I am not IN LOVE with her. And it's so funny to say that because at this time last year, I did not quite grasp how the two can be separated and how the two concepts are distinctive from each other. I have a better understanding of it now and am able and express my feelings towards her. I do have hope of reconciliation WAY WAY WAY down the road. But a lot has to happen in order for that to even be considered. She would need to exhibit behaviors of remorse as pointed out by Sandi, R2C, and other DB veterans. There is none of that. I may see it, I may never see it. And honestly...I don't mind either way. I look at myself and can confidently say that I am doing fantastic. D5 loves both of us immensely and is always missing the other person when either of us has her. If there ever was a spark that would cause the three of us to be a family again, it would be D5. Again, it's out of my hands and in the hands of the higher power. All I am going to do is to continue to do my own thing.
Dating:
I'm being honest here: This is something that I am learning (not learning again) at the age of 38. I have talked to many who told me that the rules of the dating game has changed to which I respond that I never really played the game since any attempts I have made were met with failure. Again, WW was the equivalent of winning the lottery and I rode that to this point where my luck ran out. I have subscribed to a Reddit group dedicated to "the game" and have been putting in work (just like I did here) with members who are seasoned in the dating/pick-up art. I do want to clarify that while the group's goal is to get me plenty of dates and casual relationships, it is also teaching me how to handle it maturely. It teaches me about the mindset of women, about what they are looking for in a man, what they want, and so on. In a nutshell, it's everything this board continues to preach. Things like GAL, being happy with yourself, detaching from their feelings and focusing on personal growth...it's all the same, but just repackaged for the purposes of dating. There is hand-holding, but there is the same tough-love approach there as I obtained here. So I feel right at home in regards to how to respond to critiques of my behaviors. Great stuff. I hit a breakthrough last week and have gone on not one but two different dates this last week with two different women. I am looking forward to what this summer and beyond will bring for me.
Everything else:
My job is going well. Though I had to be pulled back since I got into a little bit of trouble due to my unpreparedness. I am working on rectifying those mistakes and slowly pushing myself into learning new concepts and applying them to my job. Growth is slow, but it's steady, and it's sticking. Right now, it's what I am after and what I am getting. I have started to make genuine friends here. I have a friend at work who I have been hanging out frequently, especially when he hits the bars after works on weekends. Great guy and we enjoy each other's company when we hang out. There is also a young woman who I started talking to on Whisper back in November. We leaned on each other while going through our own ordeals. She would lean on me when she needed the emotional support and I to her. We are finally meeting each other tomorrow with our kids at a park for dinner and play time. I'm looking forward to it and continue to cultivate our friendship. I am slowly working on making the house my own. I bought prints of my photographs and have them hanging about the house. I am cleaning the house on a regular basis and take pride in it. I am making more meals at home and enjoying times with D5 when she stays over. And I am still weight lifting on a weekly basis three time per week. I have completed 44 consecutive weeks and have started week 45 today. Right now, my goal is to get to 52 consecutive weeks of lifting and finish my workout journal from start to finish. I have a few more pages to fill out and I am excited to make my way towards the end of that book. After that, I may continue to do the same routine or make tweaks to it and focus more on muscle tone and fat loss versus strength. But then again, I love the strength growth part of it and would like to continue. The only thing I need to work on is better GAL activities. I am long overdue for an extended vacation and need to set aside a week to relax and spend quality time with myself and D5. I am hoping it comes soon. As happy as I am right now with everything, I need to step back and catch my breath.
I will be forever grateful for all of the support you have given me in the last year. I have said this constantly throughout my journey but I will always repeat it over and over again. You not only saved my life, but have helped me turn it into something even better - something that I thought would never happen.
For those who are currently struggling through your situations, I will echo the same thing numerous folks have said here time and time again: Keep fighting. Keep hoping. Keep going. It will get better. Reconciliation is not the true goal here. Rediscovering yourself and your happiness is the goal. Reconciliation is just something that may come as a bonus. And if it does not, you will still be a better man/woman coming out of this.
Be:
AMOAFWL/AWOAFWL (A man only a fool would leave/A woman only a fool would leave)
Awesome update Phoenix, glad to hear you are doing so well! I can relate to your comment about finally understanding the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. I definitely am no longer in love with my XW but do still love her and always will. Once you get to that point you finally understand the way she was probably feeling after BD. It's not that they hate us or want us dead or anything, they still love us, but not in the romantic sense anymore. Good luck with the dating!
TH, I exchange D5 twice per week and on occasion WW calls me and tells me (complains) about her awful job. When I do see her, she always looks tired. She has gained weight and there is always a look of stress on her face.
Thanks for the support AS. The dating journey has been an interesting one so far, but it was one that I need to take. It's all about learning and growth.
Hey everyone! I had some free time this afternoon between tasks so I'd thought I'd fill you all in on what is going on in my life and where I am at in regards to my journey of detachment, dating, parenting, and being a man only a fool would leave.
First off, I still have not filed for divorce yet. I have the forms filled out but will need to find someone to serve them to her. STBXWW knows the papers are coming so it's not like it is going to be a shock for her to get them. At this point, I'm just waiting to get my financial ducks in a row (details to follow shortly) before I get them served to her. I informed all of you that if there was someone to file it would be me. And that is in progress. I still feel heartache at having to do this. I know that it's been over a year since this whole mess between STBXWW and OM2 started and that serving her divorce papers would not change anything. Getting the divorce I want would finally serve as the formal end of our R.
The tears stemming from our failure of our M have not been observed for the better part of 4 months now. The horrible pain I was going through all of last year and the first part of this year have now dulled to an ache that flares up every now and then. My heart hurts during the flare up, but I close my eyes and tell myself that the journey that came of it is one of the best things to have happened to me. As awful as the experience was, I truly could not and would not be the man I am working on becoming had this sitch not occurred. I am still working on my NGS. Right now, I am working on getting the balls to turn my photography into a paying side gig. I won't go into details, but the NMMNG book tells me that the excuses I am making for the effort of my photography gig is classic nice guy behavior. I am making small steps, but I still have work to do.
I am dating someone! We have been seeing each other for two months now and so far, we are really enjoying each other's company. We see each other about twice a week. Sometimes I meet her for lunch, other times we see each other at one of our homes, where we engage in some pretty satisfying sex. She is my age (her birthday is one day after mine), and has three teenaged girls. I have not met them yet, nor has she met D5.5 though I think it will happen soon. I am excited to have D5.5 meet my girlfriend, but I remind myself that it has been only two months and that I need to take it slow. Let things happen and do not rush things. We chat briefly over text once or twice a day and sometimes have a phone call with each other about once per week. Compared to when STBXWW and I were dating, my GF and I are taking it much slower. Speaking of sex, the stuff I learned from here and the NMMNG book taught me to be more communicative and confident of what I want. I told her about the things I want to try with her upfront instead of trying to win "brownie points" in the hopes I can smooth my way into performing certain sexual acts. Early on, after I finished, I did have the habit of asking her if she finished. I stopped that when she told me that it's not a question that I need to ask everytime we finished. Whenever we engage in sex, we enjoy the moment we are sharing and avoid overthinking things. R2C, the book you recommended She Comes First has been a great resource. Applying the guidelines from that book has allowed me to embrace and enjoy the moment with her. Sex feels genuine and nothing feels forced, even if it feels like our session feels fast (sometimes 5 minutes but we both end up satisfied).
I lost my job a month ago. Fired for reasons I won't go into detail here, but it feels like it was more of a blessing in disguise. I was able to finally relax and take unemployment as a step back and process everything that has happened in my professional life as I was transitioning from my R with STBXWW to where I am now. I used the time to obviously look for jobs, but I also used it to learn job skills that will hopefully lead me to the true job of my dreams, whatever field that may be. I start a temp job next Monday that will use the skills I obtained in my job before this last one. I am looking forward to it, minus the fact that I have to get up at 430 . Other than that, it appears to be a good job. Where it leads, I don't know. I am going to follow my mantra of not looking too far ahead and work on optimizing my short-term experiences to set me up for success later on.
My R with D5.5 is good. She started Kindergarten and is loving it. We have our rough moments, but there are times that after our rough moments we bond. Currently I am only able to see her on weekends but I hope that as my job progresses I can carve out time where I can spend some weekday evenings with her.
My communication with STBXWW is 85% business. The other 15% comes from her end, where she asks me questions of how I'm doing ("great!"), what I am doing (to which I answer "none of your business unless it pertains to D5.5m or the tying the loose ends of our old finances"), and are you mad at me ("nope"). There are very few moments in which she opens up her heart to me (I do not provoke). One such example was a little over a month ago when I was talking to her about a conversation I had with my mom and how I was able to establish a boundary with my mom and not to discuss anything further since I have said my part and I am not doing to change my mind. STBXWW told me that it me standing up to my parents was something STBXWW wanted for a long time and that STBXWW was not to blame for my not standing up to them. I told her that I know and that I was sorry for blaming STBXWW for my inaction. She started to cry and told me how I have changed so much for the better and that it hurts because it was what she wanted in our time together. I told her that I know and that the man she is talking to me now was the man she wanted but was not able to get because of how I behaved. I told her that our separation needed to happen because without it I would not have embarked on this journey of rebuilding myself. I clarified to her that it was not her fault I got better in spite of her. I told her that once I realized that the security blanket of STBXWW not being there for me to excuses for my behavior was not there, I had to make a change. Finally, I told her that I will always love her. She replied and told me that of course, we will share a love like family. I told her that it's not that kind of love I was talking about. She asked me for clarification and I was not able to answer clearly. I just told her that for everything that I experienced with her, for showing me what love between two people is, is a feeling that will not go away. She cried for a good minute before D5.5 asked STBXWW why she was crying. I told her that it's ok and that mommy had a owie that hurt. I then ended the call by wishing them both good night.
I still love STBXWW. And deep (deep deep deep) down, I still hope for R someday. But I don't know if that will happen. I am not consumed by R as I once was. STBXWW is not a person who I am attracted to She is not the same person who I fell in love with.
Accepting that R with STBXX won't happen is ok. She has changed. I have changed. I have learned that there are people other than STBXWW. My girlfriend for example. She is a great person and I'm excited to see where things go between us.
I am genuinely, truly happy everyone. I would not be this person today had it not been for your love and support. I am sorry that it is taking longer for me to post, but I want to assure you that I am continuing to grow to the man I want to be.
Phoenix... so great to hear your update. Sounds like you are doing really well. It is a big relief when you get through the really hard stuff. Glad you are through yours. (((HUGS)))
),
. Other than that, it appears to be a good job. Where it leads, I don't know. I am going to follow my mantra of not looking too far ahead and work on optimizing my short-term experiences to set me up for success later on.