Midlife wife crisis5

[IHCLACS]

Does anyone ever wonder if our WAW's or W'S or having the same exact mindset and thoughts as us, about moving on, about being sick and tired of being ignored, about finding another person who can reciprocate our wants and needs in a relationship or spouse? Like what if they were thinking naturally what we've been learning the whole time? Speaking of emotional states I got some more thoughts for Wolfie I'll update in a minute.

[Wolfman]

SoTorn I don’t have any faith. I have seen my w do this to just about everybody. When she is done with someone she is done. She doesn’t talk to half her family. She has very few friends at work. She is not friends with any of her bridesmaids anymore, many people in our neighborhood we were friends with she isn’t anymore. I just happen to be the next person on her list. She always mentions pride, how she has too much pride to let anyone treat her badly and would never let anyone do that to her again. So yes, I have very little hope.
LH my IC said I should wait 6 months to a year before I date. And she has said your w iss done and I need to accept and move on. Once I can do that I can heal. Kinda against what is said on here.

[LH19]

W,

How do you see that this advice is different then what is said on here?

[Wolfman]

LH one of the things IC told me was to move out a long time ago. A lot of you told me that was a bad move. Which I agree with I should have never moved out of the MBR back in August. That was way before I even knew about DB. The part of accepting and moving on is part of DB. IC also tells me to mive foreardnwith divorce, don’t wait for my w to take the initiative. That if she is done there is no reason to prolong the process. That I keep it moving, that is also different. I should have mentioned those in my last post, I was thinking those but did not write them.
IH I wish I knew what my w was thinking. Any time I think I know her or what she is going to do she throws me for a loop. I think last night I threw a curve ball at her. After I said goodnight to the kids I was walking out of the house singing and looking at my phone. There was nothing I was looking at particularly but just wanted her to see I’m happy and that maybe I was talking to someone through text that made me happy. I saw her staring at me out the corner of my eye with a puzzled look. Maybe she was wondering why I was so happy, or maybe who as I talking too. I don’t know and honestly I don’t care. I just noticed that she was staring at me.

[LH19]

Well if your IC told you to move out I would consider looking for a new IC. Curious as to why he/she would tell you that? Are you currently still paying the mortgage, utilities etc.

[Wolfman]

IC said to move out because of how she was being a real pain in the a$$ and how I shouldn’t have to deal with that. And that if we are going to be divorced anyway to separate and start to heal now. I figured out what the monthly bills are (mortgage, home ins, car ins, utilities) and I pay half of it. Just remember one thing with your response we negotiated child support and it is $700 less a month that I New York State requires me to pay. So if I piss her off she can go for the full amount. And she has brought it up once already how nice she is being by not going for the full amount. So yes she has me by the ball$. If for some reason that would ever change then I have nothing to lose and go right back into he MBR. So yes I am stuck and do act out of fear because if I have to pay that extra $700 I won’t be able afford anything here. It stinks how NYS works with child support.

[LH19]

Lol. Ws being a pain in the a$$ “oh just move out” w wants a D “just push it along she’ll never change her mind”. I hope your insurance covers IC.

So let’s think about this from Ws point of view. She has house to herself and you pay half the bills. What is her incentive to push the D forward.

[IHCLACS]

I'm in NJ /NY Wolf . The laws are no better here.I understand your IC is pushing you torwards healing. That I get. But let me ask you something? You know yourself better than anyone. Most IC's as we know are there to provide neutral council, or make suggestions that we either don't state, or possibly see. They are also there to help us better deal, and better comprehend our emotions and situations. Anyone remember what MWD said in DR book. That all IC'S have a bias depending on training, personal beliefs, familial history and experience? So Wolf if you are going to pick an IC, pick one that is in your's bias. Do you find more peace living seperated? Then do it, and keep doing it. Do you want divorce? Then pull the trigger. Do you want time to figure it out and lean back? Do that too. If the W wants what she wants, can't make up her mind about how she feels, yadayada... LET HER DO THE LEGWORK!!! LET HER MAKE THE INITIATIVE!!! If your IC is pushing the narrative, I would question and challenge his bias. If saving your marriage is what you still want? Or even just processing your sich, or feelings. Lean torwards YOUR BIAS in an IC.

Some days I want divorce, and I keep getting the papers ready for it. Other days, I just want to move on after all the trust issues broken, and ask what I am getting from any of this or from her?.. Nothing!!! Nothing but growing pains, learning experiences, and a new chapter. Some days I wonder? What if I just give it time and lean back, do nothing, and focus on me? The point to all this is... We only see what we see in the moment. We can't see what we/they will be like in a year or two or three. We might be totally different people? It might have a shot. I think that is the only thing my WAW got right on from IC alone which she shared with me. Is we don't know who we are going to become until we get there.

[Wolfman]

LH I know right now there is no incentive. At first I was ok with this limbo because she was not moving anything forward. But now I want there to be a direction which ever that direction might be. Whether it’s d or reconcile. Again the biggest road block I have is the child support. Not for nothing so took me for granted everything I did around the house, she downplayed it like it was no big deal. Cleaning the house, taking care of bills, garbage, mowing the lawn, weeding, leaves, pool, food shopping. I did all of that so yeah it’s nice I don’t have to do those things now living at my parents. Please don’t get me wrong, I want a house and I will do those things at my own home. But she needs to get a taste of what it will be like to be a single parent. Again, you have said it, I don’t want her to want me back to just do those things, but I do want her to understand and maybe, just maybe appreciate everything I did. I talked about what you have said to my IC about moving in and back into the MBR. Her response was, “what’s the point you are getting d anyway and will have to move back out and only cause more tension between the 2 of you.”

IH what I would love is to get my marriage back. Deep down I know her, I know that will not happen, because that would her be admitting she was wrong. My w is “never” wrong. And she is always more worried about what other people think than her own family. “How could she tell her friends she will take her husband back after all the horrible things he has done.” SARCASM THis would show she is weak. She would rather prove she is right than be wrong and have her family back. And trust me if we did reconcile, I would never throw that in her face that she was wrong. She makes it a point now to tell everyone that she is getting divorced. Like I said in a earlier post she changed her Facebook name to her maiden name. We are not even close to d yet. “How in the world could she explain to a few of her friends she went back to her married name.” AGAIN SARCASM. That’s what I am up against, she can’t tarnish her image. She can’t look like a liar to her friends. She “doesn’t lie.” Lol

[LH19]

W,

Under your current circumstances I can’t disagree with you that moving this along is in your best interest. If you were still in the home I would say what’s the rush.