I don't bring her or make her coffee anymore (No point the T.Y.'s stopped.) I don't do her dishes or clean up her messes (Now Shes taking her own initiatives.) I try not to argue. I ignore all texts including random S1 picks used as bait for reactions, unless directly related to S1, finances, or split custody. I even gave her a screw driver to fix and replace her own toilet seat. I don't fix anything if it breaks if its non essential. (She can call all the repairmen for that now and pay through the nose like her parents always did, since she wanted to always do that in the first place.) I make sure to get at least half of my value of what I'm paying for as a "roommate" so I make sure to enjoy more TV now instead of letting her hog it all. I do my own separate grocery shopping. I let her carry in her own groceries. We schedule and split when garbage and recycling goes out. We try to divide housework evenly now, since IHS instead of blaming each other. I don't let her start arguments, or take digs. I address the problem behavior (She's a behaviorist) and walk away. Once on a while we will offer or share food, but not often. She is soley responsible for selling the house and leaving the marriage.
This is not to be punitive. You will not gain any brownie points by doing this. But you will eventually get some respect, and she will eventually learn to appreciate what you did. They wanted their indepndence and freedom. Have at it. I like to equate their mindset to that Janet Jackson song. What Have You Done For Me Lately. They are not focused on you, or thinking about you. They are focused on their goals/independence/healing/affairs/limerace/ whatever....So you focus on you and rebuild you. Be fair with them though. Help where it pertains to your children.
Keep all convos and texts short and to the point, less words is more mystery. Women intuitively understand that time is important because of biology. So if you are no longer important to them. You value and respect your time. This can be applied in all GAL scenearios, personal telationships, etc.
Guys. I'm gutted. I noticed she stopped wearing her wedding ring....
I see my IC tomorrow. Need to process this. Grief [censored].
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Hate to say it Si. This is only the beginning. It [censored], it hurts when they take the rings off. I know you can't see it now, but you will get through it.
To add insult to injury, it feels like she's toying with me.
She asked if I was going out tonight. Like either to give herself permission to go out at a later date OR to f*CK with me like it doesn't bother her.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Oh yeah Si. Expect tit for that tectonic thinking. Its resentment and jealousy that has built up over the years. Every time you went out in the M, she was probably keeping score or tabs, and pushing it down. Now that the splitting is occuring? Start to expect "Well I did this for you, so now you're going to do this for me." Thinking. With scheduled custody days with the kids with money with everything.
You have my full empathy, support and I am rooting for you, have no doubt - however, one thing I learned is: 2x4's, brutal honesty, and being slapped when spinning is the best medicine.
We are so attached because we and our spouses have been an entity for so long, and now it feels like we are treading waters, and we cannot see the bottom... We basically think the sea floor is filled with great white sharks, and who knows, maybe it isn't - maybe there are actually several mermaids down there, waiting for you to stop treading, and for you to dive down and have a look...
What do I mean? Stop treading waters in this marriage of yours, stop being so focused on what she does, how she reacts, basically HER HER HER.... you will end up treading waters aka mind reading and waiting for so long, that your body wears out and you DROWN in this mess..
Dive under instead, focus on you... Maybe you will have to fence off a couple of sharks, most likely - we all did... But rest assured, that there are treasures waiting for you, if you truly allow yourself to let go, and put yourself first. Stop being so attached to something that has sunken..... Dive, swim and live life..... You are halting your own healing from desperately watching her like a hawk...
The only way this will pan out the way you want to, is to let her go 100%.. Let her go wild, let her drop her ring, let her move out, sell the house, separate, divorce - its all papers and material things... If you are ment to be, she will return - If not, then swim goddamnit, swim, and dont look back...
Its so hard to take the first stroke when you can't swim, because the fear of drowning is overwhelming - when you get the hang of it however, oh boy, the feeling of flying through the water... nothing beats that... I think you know what I am trying to say here....
Drop the rope friend.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Everything at this point in the process is counter intuitive.
Your mind is tricking you. You have to stop it. Control your thoughts, not the other way around.
If you are anxious, you are thinking about the future. If you are depressed, you are thinking about the past. Get into the moment. Right now is all you have. Enjoy every moment. Can't change the past. The future is not here yet, so set goals and work toward the goals.
si, what does her removing her ring change? You are still married. She is still walkaway. Wearing a ring. Not wearing a ring. Shaving her head. Jumping on a pogo stick...... none of that matters.
You need to detach. I've told lots of LBSs, even if your spouse came to you and told you that they had a gangbang with 100 people, you should let it roll off your back like water off a duck. You need to get to a place where you are not reacting emotionally.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I got my biggest reaction to DBing today. After 2 weeks of doing it.
I had changed my Ws phone ringtone on my phone, changed her name from wife to her actual name and changed her picture from her to the kids.
I didn't relaize she'd see it but my D was playing with my Ws phone and called mine while I was in the shower.
I hadn't seen this side of my W yet. She asked what was going on.
Was I cutting off emotionally? Is this why I seem distant?
Why did I change her pic, name and ringtone?
Was my recent distancing in relation to our "conversation"? Conversation meaning where she said she wanted a D.
I replied that I had changed those phone settings a while back. And if my actions were any different I was seeking peace within myself. But my position had NOT changed.
She said what position? I said I do not want a divorce but I understand that you do and I won't stand in your way if that's your position.
She asked about me seeking peace within myself, "couldn't you have done that or SHOULDN'T you have done that within the marriage????"
I calmly replied that there were definitely things I would have liked to have done before but......and then our kids interrupted - she tried to excuse them and keep the conversation going. I told her it was probably beat we finish this conversation another time. (This was so unlike me as I have been know to beat a horse to death trying to convince her I've changed and we can make this work).
Wow. I was shocked.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
