What’s new with me? Not much. I’ve been trimming down my work days because I couldn’t sustain my pace anymore. Today is h@ll, but I’ve been getting out mostly only a half hour late. Restarted CrossFit this week. Ouch, I’m in pain! D11 is definitely entering those teen years. I don’t know how prepared I am for these! It’s scary. She’s still a good girl though. Has straight A’s right now. My dog continues to be an adorable terror.
The ex and I continue to get along. He even offered to replace my brakes for me if I buy him lunch. His wife wished me a happy Mother’s day, and I said same to her. He got “injured” on the job and is off for a week ( he likes to milk it)
Things with M and I continue to go well. Some things popped up but very minor. The 4 of us had a nice night ( meaning kids included ) last Friday . My daughter is very comfortable with him and his son seems to really like me, even D11 said so. We have our little games we play he gets a kick out of. Me too. Hes adorable. What bothered me was that he still makes a concentrated effort to not show anything resembling affection around him. Before I could bring it up, he brought it up. He apologized for not showing affection and he is scared of confusing his son and said he’s probably overthinking. I said it’s probably a little more confusing when we wait so long for him to know. And he’s a super sharp kid and I think he knows. I said I understood he has to do what he feels is best and hopefully it happens soon. He said it definitely will. We are all going away in July and it would just be awkward for the 4 nights if we didn’t even go near each other. So I’m hoping by then. I’m not talking making out. A hug or a kiss hello. A touch on the back. Something .
We went out last night to see a coworkers 13 year old daughter play an open mic in a band. She’s the first person he’s met, lol. It was a lot of fun. This weekend there is a concert at his community lake and we are going with his friend and wife. Should be fun as we are finally getting nice weather. He’s going mountain biking with that friend in the morning so I’ll be trying to do something with my insane lawn of mine. We are doing different things, have fun together, but life is life and we really only get to see each other once or twice a week. Maybe 3 times this week. But we always mix it up a bit . I’m going to try to get him to take me kayaking again Sunday . Even when we have some differences, my love keeps growing for him every day. He tells me all the time he loves me. I believe him too.
Last edited by job; 05/16/1908:37 PM. Reason: edited a word
Well, I got a dilemma. I’m pretty upset. This was a non-kid weekend and Friday night I finally got to go out with my my girlfriends ( so needed). Saturday M went biking with a friend then we went to his lake for a concert. It was so much fun, I met all his lake board people/community ( they really liked me). We brought beer, M had more than he usually does so he was really hungover today . I had to sneak out at 5 am to take care of my daughter. I invited him for dinner tonight and to chill. At the last minute, in his normal fashion, he said no. He says “let’s see how things go” on a Sunday, then at dinner time he says he would just rather stay home. Today, I expressed how I really felt about that. I was upset. He knows and I know we don’t get to spend much tome together and we involve our kids. We get maybe 2 days together a whole weekend we had, and we spent 13 hours together, 5 of those sleeping . I wasn’t asking him to come over to do housework. I was going to feed him and chill with him. He said he was feeling really blah from the hangover and he needed “me time” . Not for birthing, I do not monopolize his tome in any way. I find that I have “me” time and I want to spend it Witt him. And he would rather spend it by himself . We expressed our feelings, it didn’t end bad, but I am super upset. He thanked me for understanding he has a very busy schedule ( of course I do, mine is busier) but I have been nothing but patient. Understanding his pace. His not letting his son know we are together. Our 1-2 nights a week.
He’s wonderful. He really is. But I realized he didn’t chose me when I would chose him. That I want more time with him and perhaps he doesn’t want more time with me. I want to progress. And we do, at a nice slow pace which has been healthy for me. But when you chose to lay in your bed on a Sunday night instead of having a home made meal with your girlfriend, well, I feel like we are on different pages. It hurt and I felt rejected. I understand the concept of alone tome and our individual busy lives, but he does this all the time and I don’t even think he realizes it.
I am really upset. I haven’t figured out if I should be, shouldn’t be, if it’s PMS, if I’m unreasonable, or maybe we are on just different levels. But I’m shocked at the rejection I’m feeling. I am genuinely hurt, even if he didn’t mean to. I’m just scared we might be on different levels. The usual one where I prioritize someone I love, and I don’t know if they do the same for me.
G - There have been nights were I would have preferred to stay home vs going to spend time with the Dr. I think I have only said "no" one time in 4 months. We make plans to see each other and don't really do things spur of moment just because of kids and schedules. For example, tonight I would much rather stay home and watch the last episode of GOT however she invited me over so I will watch it when I get home. I am choosing to go spend time with her.
It very well could be a lot of things or it could nothing and that is the way he is. He says he loves you, you have met his kid and vice versa, you also do things together with the kids. Take stock of the entire R and determine if it is fitting your needs.
FWIW........unless I had to work late, sick or had something else that I couldn't get out of if the Dr. wanted me to come over for dinner I wouldn't say "no".
I think this pace stuff is a very common issue and one I might be experiencing myself. My only advice would be to communicate your needs, desires, and what you want. See what he says and go from there. Ultimately if this is who he is and he can't give you anything more right now then you have a decision to make. If he is unaware of how this is impacting you and changes/steps up or whatever you want to call it then issues resolved.
Maybe you are feeling insecure about the entire R as you have mentioned more than once about him sheltering his son then when you add this on top of it adds more fuel to the fire.
Thanks J. Well, we talked it out. We aren’t on completely the same page, but we came to an understanding
He did another thing a week ago that upset me. My birthday is on a Monday and my dad and stepmom are coming for dinner. They still haven’t met. So when I invited him to dinner, he said “if I don’t have a lake meeting” and that upset me a lot. Dude, miss your lake meeting for one night for your girlfriends birthday. So I decided told him to find out tomorrow if there will be a meeting on my birthday. He said “even if there is, I’ll skip it for your birthday❤️“ he said it was the least he could do for being a selfish jerk. I decided to point out to him that I got I really upset because he doesn’t the same thing every Sunday we don’t have kids. I said I think it might just be that he likes his Sunday’s to himself. He said he didn’t realize he’d been doing that until I pointed it out. And it’s true he likes his Sunday’s to recoup and recharge. He said he didn’t think I would like him anymore if I saw him that way. I told him but I love him and I don’t care if he’s cranky, or began snoring on my couch. I just want to be with him.
Long story short, he is very passionate about his alone tome on sundays. Any alone time because he has a busy kid and obligations and doesn’t get much of it. I reminded him I’ve been raising a very vibrant girl from the beginning majority of the time Ali e with zero help ( he has his Klm) and maintaining a household on my ( again, he has his mom) and I totally understand alone time.
I told him there must be a compromise somewhere. Basically, I’m not going to ask for anything on Sunday anymore unless it’s a special occasion. And if he decides he wants time with me, he can come to me. He told me I was amazing.
J- honest question. Do you see the doctor when you would rather be alone because you are scared of the reprocessing of saying no? Or maybe you would rather be with her than be alone? See, I want him to chose to spend Sunday with me because that’s truly what he wants to do with his time. Not out of obligation or fear of pissing me off. I don’t want it to be a sacrifice to make me happy. I want him to want it. And I told him as much.
That’s our difference. I prefer my alone time with him. He prefers it with himself . Two different places I guess.
I have really never felt more secure in a relationship in my life. He offered every Friday he has son to us. Every movie night at the lake we should come. Me and my D are going on vacation with his AND his mom. I mentioned I wanted to build a patio ( as in to hire someone) and he offered to build me one. He shows love in commitment in some different ways. He took care of my through surgery. He’s wonderful in so many ways and shows his love.
I just miss him. We will have a great tome together and I want more. It’s tough.
I would be a d@mn fool to give this up because he chooses alone tome on sunday’s Rather than to be with me. I told him straight up, I hope one day he finds that he could recharge with me, rather than away from me sometimes .
I feel a little bit not completely settled . I know he’s still learning how to balance his tome. It’s hard. I don’t want it to be an effort to fit me in either.
We will see what happens. I’m just going to step back a bit. I need to regroup a little too. I shouldn’t touch any sensitive subjects around my time of the month. It’s disaster.
The old me would be scared to ask for what I need in fear of the person leaving because it’s “too much” not anymore.
Last edited by job; 05/20/1902:49 PM. Reason: edited a word
That’s our difference. I prefer my alone time with him. He prefers it with himself .
Girl - this is an introvert/extrovert thing. Extroverts recharge by being with people (you). Introverts recharge by being alone (him). It's not a wrong or right, it's just important to understand what you're dealing with.
Not all introverts are shy - some of us can be very sociable, but we still need some alone time to recharge. Let him have his alone time on Sundays and plan fun time with your girlfriends on Sunday nights. That way you'll both be getting your needs met.
G - I think in every R their are sacrifices or maybe rather give and take. If I really felt strongly that I didn't want to go then I wouldn't. I am considerate though of others peoples feelings and I also know that I get plenty of alone time when I don't have my girls during the days I don't see her. That said, it's not about a fear of being alone its more about knowing that it is important to the other person and I don't feel strongly enough about being alone to tell her I am not coming over. Mainly because I know we don't get a lot of time together.
If you want him to make no sacrifices and only choose you when he wants to choose you then you need to be ok with that and accept whatever he chooses to give, when he wants to give it, and then determine if that works for you.
If that works for you then be flexible with him. If you need more than he is giving then be honest with him.
FWIW......if the Dr. invited me out with her mom and sister to celebrate her birthday I would clear my calendar. Truthfully I don't blame you for being pissed about that one.
I'm with kml on this one. M stood out as an introvert right away. It's hard for extroverts to understand how a person could choose not to be with loved ones, but as I have gotten older, I have slowly come to appreciate that 'recharge' thing.
Also very much understand J9's point of view and yours re the birthday dinner. I can't remember if you said, but had M spent a fair bit of time on his own before linking up with you? Maybe he's a bit stuck in his ways still?
I do want him to make some sacrifices for me.... and he definitely has given up his time to do some pretty serious work for me. And I do feel it’s somewhere in his heart because he is always offering to do stuff for me. Never really gets the chance, but I feel like he would want to if he got more time.
He knows I would like to spend more time with him. I’m curious to see what happens after this. And I agree, a birthday dinner invite with my family should have been an automatic yes. I think he’s not used to that.
He has been in his own I think a little over 3 years now. But going through a very volatile divorce for a good portion of it. I imagine once he got a routine, it’s hard to kind of shift from it. He can be introverted that way, and I am at times too. I guess what throws me off is that I see it as him getting a lot of me tome, but he sees himself as getting non and super busy. He rarely works past 3 pm. His son is stepped off at 7 every Tuesday. Wednesday’s he does give to me. He has every other athursday to himself. And on his weekend, his son goes back Sunday night at 7. But to him, he needs more. And I have to respect that. I guess the part that is still upsetting is we don’t spend much time together. If we spent like 4 days a week together and Sunday was so important, I don’t care ( BTW, I don’t ask for the whole Sunday, just dinner time)
Our next non-kid weekend is my birthday weekend. I was going to plan something and invite him, but he hasn’t mentioned that he had plans for us at all. Sunday is the day before my birthday. I guess I shouldn’t plan anything for Sunday, lol. I’m curious to see if he got me a gift. Hopefully it’s not like the Christmas gift. I dropped some hints to help him out, but I seriously have no clue what’s going to happen
I don’t feel 100% about all of this, but I will stay understanding. He’s fantastic in so many ways, I shouldn’t let this bother me the way it does.
