I've been doing well. I'm keeping up with fitness, got in 4 days of boxing last week, eating right, and generally GAL. W had been continuing to be terrible to me up until yesterday.
Yesterday was my birthday, which I was not particularly excited about given the recent context. I started the day off right though; it was a beautiful day, so I took my dog on a long morning hike. Got a text from W asking if she could come over. I'd made plans to meet up with a friend in the evening, so she came by in the afternoon.
She brought over a birthday cake and two coffees, and we sat and chatted and had some cake and coffee. It felt sooo nice to just have things be normal and pleasant. She stayed for about 45 minutes, but that was perfect. I didn't feel drawn to her in the way that I used to, but this whole interaction made my day feel very special.
I got two texts from W later in the day. She wished me a happy birthday again, and said to have fun, which I did. I went to go see the new Avengers movie with a buddy, and when I got out I had another text message from W. This one was an apology. She said, "Thanks for being kind. I'm sorry I've treated you so horribly. I don't want to be that way."
I'm not taking this for anything more than face value (and barely that, even), but this also was extremely nice to hear. It was first time she's acknowledged that her behavior has been anything but normal. It can be hard not to doubt your own perspective when someone else's is so drastically different, and to hear her admit that she KNOWS how horrible she's been made me feel a lot better about my own judgement.
Things are looking a lot brighter today...
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
Jamine, how do you feel about just being friends with her?
Steve, that's a really good question. I'm not entirely sure what my goals are anymore. I still have very strong feelings for W, but I know that I couldn't R right now because I absolutely cannot trust her. I guess the answer is, I'd like to be friendly, but no, I don't want to be "just friends" with her.
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
Jamine, how do you feel about just being friends with her?
Steve, that's a really good question. I'm not entirely sure what my goals are anymore. I still have very strong feelings for W, but I know that I couldn't R right now because I absolutely cannot trust her. I guess the answer is, I'd like to be friendly, but no, I don't want to be "just friends" with her.
Ok, the "here's a cake and coffee" thing feels like a friend zone move. I want you to please temper any thoughts that she is coming around to something more. No expectations. You will know with no ambiguity if and when she wants to R.
Last edited by Steve85; 04/29/1901:52 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey Jamine, this is neffer. First time writing to you. I“ve read your sitch. You are really improving. Just keep walking that road. You are having plenty of good advice. Just keep trusting yourself, you are doing good.
First thing you need to take back is respect. So be respectable, act accordingly. Keep detaching, control expectations, no anxieties. Better times coming.
It“s a marathon.Time is yours.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Steve, you are definitely right here. I'm not reading into any of this behavior. W came by the house to garden yesterday, and just seemed to have this negativity about her. I kept my distance, barely interacting, but it definitely solidified the fact that things will change day-to-day.
Neffer, thanks for the support! Detaching is much harder than it initially seems, but I'm definitely improving. I find that I'm catching myself more often, for example, W sent me a text this morning that really didn't require any reply, so I didn't reply. These kind of things are big steps for me, I'd have never done this prior to BD and finding DB and this forum.
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
The dynamic with W has been changing. It doesn't feel as tense anymore. Her text messages have been lighter, she put a heart emoji in one. She sent me a message last night that says that she is "feeling positive about the future for both of us". I'm not taking this as a good sign. I think she sees the changes in me, and is taking this more as permission to move on, since I'm doing so well.
W asked me what I plan to do when I move out, and I told her that I'm not sure yet. She sent me some information about condos nearby that she thinks would be a good fit for me (a friend of her's lives there, and they are pretty nice). I haven't replied to this.
Since I work remotely, I don't have a reason to stay in this city, but I'm torn. I like my life here, but without W I have very little support network. I know that W wants me to stay here; she definitely wants me at arm's length. I've been building a better network here for myself - I like my routine, my boxing club, and a lot of the other things about this city. On the other hand, I want to take this as an opportunity for a new start, and have a few cities that I could move to with lots of friends/family around (all are on the other side of the US - west coast/east coast). I also feel like the (very slim) chance for R will only happen if I'm close by. I have time to make my decision...W hasn't even filed yet, but I have no idea how to balance these choices. I feel like I'll likely want to leave before the D is final.
How do I make this decision? Do I even consider R as a possibility when evaluating my choices? I think I should make this decision for MYSELF, but the entire reason I'm on this forum is to DB, and I don't think moving 1000+ miles away could be considered part of that.
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
If you're still keeping hope, then I wouldn't move too far. If you're done and just need the space then you could go wherever. Just don't attach expectations to either choice.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovr, I guess that's really my issue. I know that I'm not over her, and I still have a twinge of hope in the back of my mind, but I absolutely cannot see any scenario where she takes the steps that would allow us to R. I'm so torn...I do not want to give up, and feel that if I leave this city that it's the final nail in the coffin. I also don't want to outfit a new place, only to find out that I'm really miserable here and the have to move everything across the country.
Oh well, I guess I still have time to think about it. She's been putting together our settlement, and I feel like she'll be filing for D any day. I'll have 3 ish months from then before she buys the house from me.
Me 36, W 32 M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs 1st BD Aug 18 2nd BD Feb 19 EA w/ ex Aug 18 potential EA Feb 19 Trial Separation 3/2/19
