Midlife wife crisis6

[Wolfman]

LH I am not looking to control her. Just shocked how she didn’t care about taking care of our kids. She has totally regressed. She is going backwards in maturity. I said to my w, why was he up so late? And she lied right to my face, you know his he probably snuck his iPod into bed.

Rose I did speak to my s. He said he knows but he says that all the time. He hates going to sleep (like most kids).

[LH19]

W,

Again I think your greatly exaggerating the situation. If you are going to nitpick every move she makes that you don’t feel is right you’re gonna be in for a long bumpy ride my friend.

Just because she wants a D doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about taking care of the kids.

[AnotherStander]

Again I think your greatly exaggerating the situation. If you are going to nitpick every move she makes that you don’t feel is right you’re gonna be in for a long bumpy ride my friend.

Quite right. W, this is just another major pointer that you've still got a lot of work to do on detachment. And the house thing as well, W complains the house is messy SO WHAT. Instead of rushing around to clean up you should have said "W, the kids are 8 and 11 and if you are going to have to learn to live with a certain level of clutter, that comes with having young kids." She doesn't like it? Well you just let her go right ahead and clean up. Quit trying to "fix" all her complaints, you're chasing the dragon on that.

[Wolfman]

LH you are right I should not nit pick. Just really wanted to point it out on here how she has changed. Not not any of you know her, just wanted to get it off my chest.

AS you are right I still have a way to go with detachment. I am also working on not letting her manipulate me or make me feel bad. Yesterday we were in backyard and she made the comment the backyard looks like $hit. I said yeah it is a little messy. (The grass is about foot and half high) She said that’s it? Asked what is it? That you are just going to abandon the house. I said I am still here everyday getting the kids from school. She said and what about the backyard? I said I don’t live here anymore. So she said yeah but isn’t his still your house? I said well my name is still in it. She said so you are going to leave it like that for the kids? I said I understand how this could frustrate you but it is no longer my problem. I also said, you use to make comments about me having to do hard work. I said you can see how much this to keep up with. I said when you would put me down that I had to do landscaping and you took care of the kids. And you wanted me to do both. Not that easy. She said, oh but it’s ok for you to come here all the time and not have to do anything. I said you are right I do come here all the time, to pick up he kids from school and to bring them home. She then stormed off. She wants me to play husband when it’s convenient for her. Not happeneing anymore. I know the next thing she will try it with is the pool. Again not my problem. She is trying to use the kids as a way to make me feel bad.

[lost8]

Hey Wolf I will throw in my 2 cents.

No don't let her manipulate her but do what makes you happy. Are you still living there, do you take comfort in your house looking good for you and your kids? I know I have always taken pride in how my home looked at least on the outside and in my living space when I was in my own bedroom. It was actually theraputic for me to do the yardwork.

I did find myself not doing things around the house like cleaning up as a bit passive aggressive because clutter always bothered both of us and I was not touching anything just to get a rise out of my WW. It took time and I mean like 6-7 months to stop acting like this. It was actually me realizing I will do things because I want to and for me to still have some pride in my home not to create a "see this is what it will be like" just to get a reaction out of her. I didn't want my kids to see everything falling apart around them. My WWs choices were her choices. It takes time.

[Wolfman]

Lost I am not living in the home anymore. I’m not doing it to get a rise out of her. This is the reality she created. I am not trying to “fix” her problems. This Is also what AS said too. I took a lot of pride in keeping up
With the landscaping. My home looked just as good as everyone else’s in the neighborhood and they all had landscapers. I know she angry about it but that’s not why I did it. It’s me detaching from her. I am not her house cleaner or landscaper. If we were happily married I would Ben more than happy to do those things and I did for a long time.

[lost8]

Roger that, if you arent living there I get it. I wouldn't touch it either but if you get to the point of having to show it to sell I guess that would be different.

You are right she has to fend for herself she fired you.

[AnotherStander]

I am also working on not letting her manipulate me or make me feel bad.

Good, because it sounds like that is a favorite pastime of hers.

Yesterday we were in backyard and she made the comment the backyard looks like $hit. I said yeah it is a little messy. (The grass is about foot and half high) She said that’s it? Asked what is it? That you are just going to abandon the house. I said I am still here everyday getting the kids from school. She said and what about the backyard? I said I don’t live here anymore. So she said yeah but isn’t his still your house? I said well my name is still in it. She said so you are going to leave it like that for the kids? I said I understand how this could frustrate you but it is no longer my problem. I also said, you use to make comments about me having to do hard work. I said you can see how much this to keep up with. I said when you would put me down that I had to do landscaping and you took care of the kids. And you wanted me to do both. Not that easy. She said, oh but it’s ok for you to come here all the time and not have to do anything. I said you are right I do come here all the time, to pick up he kids from school and to bring them home. She then stormed off.

Wolf I think you did good standing up to her little tirade, but try not to let it drag out so long like that. Don't try to explain/ justify/prove your worth, just say "I'm not interested in getting drawn into an argument about this" and walk away.

[Ready2Change]

....tomorrow we go to the lawyer for the paperwork.

How did this go?

[Wolfman]

AS thank you for the support. I have to learn to cut the conversation shorter. She is good at drawing me in, I have to be better at ending it. Funny thing is I just got to the house a little while ago and she had landscapers now the backyard. All of that for nothing. Well I guess for nothing she was trying to see what see could get “away” with. I know when it gets a little warmer the pool is going to be an issue.

R2C first off it wasn’t I thought it was. The appointment was just for leaving the retainer and going over what we did with the mediator. At one point the lawyer stepped out to make copies. My w said I feel so nauseous I think I am going to throw up. I said I know his is stressful. Then the lawyer came back in. I brought up a time frame for when she has to buy me out. When I did my w gave me a dirty look. The lawyer said it’s not in there. She asked my w if she started to refinance the house to get me off the mortgage. She said no, that she was told once we are officially d she can take my name off the mortgage. She said how does she think the mortgage will be officially done? The lawyer said if everything goes smoothly by the end of the year. She said oh my god. So the lawyer said she will leave it open and it’s something we will have to discuss. When we were walking out my w said once again I’m getting screwed. I said how so? I know now I shouldn’t have said that. She said that she is going to have to refinance and her mortgage payment will go up and she has to pay closing costs, she gave me Nissan 350z (which is a 2003 with 65k miles) and she took the Chevy traverse (2010 80k miles but all the extras right up to DVD players in each headrest) and when she traded it in she only got $2500 for it. What a sucker!!! Then she said she is not taking the full child support. I said I can understand why you feel that way but you have to understand this is what you want. She said this is not what she wanted she wanted me to change sooner and we wouldn’t be going through this. I said you are right I should have changed sooner but I am a changed man. I said wherther you want to believe it or not that is on you. I said I don’t want to talk about this anymore I’ll see you later and I walked away.