Looking for some advice here while I wait for my copy of DR to arrive...
W and I have 3 small kids (youngest 3) and moved about 2 years ago away from our support network. The combination of kids and the disruption of the move has been hard for us to overcome. W was building up a career, and the move halted that (although plans are she will ramp up again soon). My method of handling this was to draw closer, want to spend more time together and have more affection. I felt W draw away sometimes and I reacted by becoming emotional, which reinforced the distance. I was frustrated and sometimes said hurtful things (never name calling, never yelling, never shaming... just things like "we never spend time together" or "I don't know what you want" which was shaming and blaming). We ended up in MC last fall, where we mostly worked on me stopping pressing for affection, and me helping more with the house and the kids (as we never wanted this long term situation where I am the sole breadwinner and she is SAHM). Therapist pointed out that she needed to be more vocal about what she wants rather than holding in resentment. There was one night last fall where W broke down in tears because I kept pressing her for what she wanted, that I didn't understand and she wasn't communicated. I also started going to IC in the fall to work on my anxiety (which is my diagnosis) about my M and my estrangement from FOO. Periodically she accused me of withholding affection, which was tough because I felt like I couldn't initiate any affection without it being super awkward and weird.
Since January we barely talk about our relationship. A couple big fights she initiated, with sometimes strange accusations (like I am having an affair or hiding finances deliberately, both of which are not true). Then barely talking other than the niceties of being roommates and friends and co-parents. I tried to approach W a few times, but she lashed out in anger. I have wanted to just give her a hug and say I love her, but the prickliness has been off the charts. We went on vacation in early March and didn't really spend any couples time together, just swam with the kids. W also started IC in February.
No BD yet, but...I found evidence in late March she is considering D, and also believes I may have a mental disorder, and is documenting everything we talk about. The playbook for leaving someone like this would then be to plan out a safe BD - I literally have no idea if she's going to try to just take off with the kids, or kick me out, or what. We went on a date night and I confronted her in the car, not about the evidence, but trying to apologize for my role in what was going in our M. She was scared that I would do something crazy, and we drove home. I wrote a few apology letters, admitting that some of my behavior was emotionally abusive (especially pulling over in the car). No reaction, other than thanks. I also made it clear in these letters that I love her and want to repair things and work on our future.
April was a brutal month. I traveled for work twice, and she took the kids during spring break to see some friends (while I had to stay at work). The plus side was I was able to deal with the massive anxiety and hurt on my own, which was probably for the best, so I can prepare for the BD. I lost about 10 pounds. W was concerned and asked me to go the doctor, asked a lot of questions about the appointment.
We have plans to go to MC in June or July, once I finish some work travel. Alarm bells go off that this may be the BD coming, but I'm trying to stay calm and not obsess over what I can't control anyways. She seems checked out emotionally. I've heard her crying a bit in bed a couple nights recently. I'm learning not to try to figure out the "why" because it just leads to obsessive rumination.
I want to rebuild our marriage and make this work. I have made myself available and open to W. I suspect she's basically done and just planning out the BD at this point. She may come with accusations of abuse and make this a high-conflict situation. If those accusations come, I think I will drop my attempts to remedy, because I don't know how to even get around that. And to be clear, I am not concerned about these accusations, but if W has gotten to the point where she believes I am an abuser, then I need to move on for my own well-being and sanity.
I am at a loss what to do right now.
With 3 little kids and a full-time job, most weeknights consist of me coming home, spending ~90 mins with kids before bedtime, W and I go off for an hour and just chill on our own, then sometimes we sit and watch TV and have small talk like friends do. Mostly about what's going on in her life. W has been planning a lot of activities with friends on the weekend.
I just don't know what to do for 180s, for instance. If she sees me as some emotionally erratic crazy person, I can act calm. For house chores, I made an honest effort since last fall and it made no difference in our M. For watching the kids, I've talked to my manager about flex hours, and he was receptive, but W seemed ambivalent at best. I feel like I need to GAL but also worry that it will further disconnect us. If I spend evenings working on a hobby, or exercising, it will remove the time we do have. I can't ask to spend more time together. All she seems to want is more space, so I give more and more. It feels like I am just waiting for the guillotine to drop.
Things I have implemented so far: - No more "I love you" texts or saying it. She hasn't done/said it since February. - No more hunting for hugs (our current only form of affection). If she approaches, reciprocate. - No more R talk, or even asking her what is going on. - No more getting stressed around the kids - example, one of my kids may talk back to my W - in the past I would jump in and try to help discipline and would get stressed out if it wasn't the way she wanted me to do it, now I let her handle her situations, and I handle mine - No more buying gifts when I travel for work. (will be implemented on my next trip).
I guess my fundamental question here is: Should I even be trying any of these DR techniques at this point? W is so disconnected, and potentially going to BD me with abuse allegations. I feel like I'm under the microscope, and a few more weeks or months may just lead me to burn-out and want out of M myself. Anyone else been in a similar situation?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Read and then re-read the links Cadet just posted - particularly Sandi's rules, pursuit and distance, validation, and boundaries. BD hasn't happened yet and you're sensing it's coming.
Give her tons of space and a wide wide berth. Focus on where you've contributed to the deterioration of the marriage and start doing some personal growth to improve yourself. Not to show her or anything, but for yourself. Be a stellar parent towards your kids and be a rock. Definitely no R talks and adding no pressure. Don't be a cold and mean person around her. Be friendly and positive.
This is a marathon! You need the DB techniques for yourself, not just for your marriage. These techniques are designed to give you space and time to figure out yourself and change the focus from your partner to you.
Keep posting! This is a great community and we're here for you.
I love all this advice but get hung up on a couple points:
1. Personal growth - working full-time, coming home to help with kids and house... there is not much time left over. I'm reading a ton of self-help books and listening to podcasts when I commute. Not sure I can jump into a new hobby right now or anything involving a larger time commitment. I did start reaching out to some friends I lost contact with, which has felt really good.
2. Focus on where you've contributed to the deterioration - I'm sure this is common here, but I feel like I've tried to communicate and apologize for my part. But without feedback and communication it is really hard to know at this point. I have asked W to share her feelings, let me know what she needs, but she communicates nothing back. Housework and childcare are sticking points - but I feel like I have made some steps and they are likely not the only issue here. I know she wants to go back to work and I've tried to be supportive. It's easy to start chasing that feeling of "if I just fix this..." but I don't even know what to fix, and I'm not even sure it would help.
I'm kind of left with focusing on #1 (which might be a major component of #2) - this whole situation definitely has me anxious, stressed, a bit depressed, so maybe working on that first will have positive spill-over into #2?
Definitely understanding the "no time" aspect, and also the communication part. It's so difficult to try and talk to someone who just won't communicate back...
Also not sure how aggressively to 180, for instance. W may just be considering things right now, so making assumptions could be dangerous and backfire? It's just tough to know given our communication about anything R-related is effectively zero whether to further distance.
Also not sure how aggressively to 180, for instance. W may just be considering things right now, so making assumptions could be dangerous and backfire? It's just tough to know given our communication about anything R-related is effectively zero whether to further distance.
I think what I've picked up from some of the vets is to not worry about what S is thinking and focus more on you and your kids.
I've been going through this for a little while now - so far, no one thing I've experimented with (distance, unpredictability, trying to talk or not trying to talk etc) has been "the thing" that is the final nail in the coffin, or the thing that saves it all.
Rather unfortunately, I can tell you from experience what does not work - smothering, insisting on MC, begging, pleading, trying to convince or "talk it out", and believing that since S is in a better mood today that things are all better.
This is a long haul, it has dawned on me within the past 2 months that it is best to prepare for the worst while still hoping for the best.
Thank you - it's good to have a community of people here who understand what is going on. I felt at my worst for a solid 5 month period. Nobody in my real life understood what was happening either, there was no one to talk to and I didn't know where to turn.
Seems I found this place just when things were at the darkest, and just in the nick of time. It seems you have too...
I suggest to keep reading the resources, they have been a source of great relief and reassurance, especially in times when the surge of sadness or negativity sets in (and that is still quite often).
As far as MC goes - I suggested it once and was shot down by W - saying it won't fix everything after 2 or 3 sessions. That's when I started to realize I was going to have to let her go on whatever journey this is alone.
However, I got myself into IC, and that has helped me a great deal.
Yeah IC helps. I really need to stop worrying about the M and worry about myself. I can’t tell if she’s in MLC or depressed or what but something is definitely off. I’m sure she’s struggling with a big decision and I’m kinda feeling like I have zero control. After a brutal April though it feels kind of liberating to realize I can’t control anything so may as well work on myself.
