Especially if it is driven by MLC or life circumstances? We moved away from family 2 years ago, and we have 3 little kids.
She seems to think I have a personality disorder. I have explored in detail in IC and don’t believe this to be true. But my W thinking this may also lead her to think it’s time to move on.
She looks to me like a person who desperately needs a hug or some support. But has drawn no closer and shows reluctance to go to MC.
Her sadness could be knowing the BD will be soon. In which case I really don’t have control. I don’t know. I don’t want to make a mistake and step away if what she needs right now is me to be closer. She seems to be suffering. No affection for months, no I love you’s, no sharing of feelings.
All I can think is to be positive and upbeat myself.
Anyone else experience something similar? Could it be just a phase? Or should I be expecting BD?
Stop worrying about what she is doing and why she is doing it. Read all of the links Cadet posted. This is time to focus on yourself. Focus on being a man only a fool would leave. Be the best version of yourself possible. Project positivity always. Never show sadness or being down. Be happy with yourself. Love yourself. Recognize your toxic behaviors and stop them. Don't try and control your W. Just leave her be.
Get a hobby, start hitting the gym. Keep going to the IC. Be aware that MC will not help anything. It will just be a place for her to "let you get through the issue of her dropping BD with a counselor there". Also, in most cases, when a W goes to IC, the IC will tell them that if they are unhappy to just leave. MC may also say that. I know that when I first caught my wife cheating we went to one MC session. The MC literally said "you are young still, she doesnt want to be married, go get a D and get on with your lives".
They literally help nothing because they are all about the individual and not the marriage. GAL, detach, stop pursuit, stop any controlling behaviors. Drop the rope and let her go. You need to treat this as your M is already over. You need to get to the point where you are happy and know you will be fine and strong enough to either be alone or work on the M if your W decides to work through her own issues and come back to you.
Just remember that nothing you do will help the situation. You will NOT change her mind. The only thing that "may" work is you working on yourself and her seeing that you have positive changes and consistent positive behavior over a very long period of time.
My M did not survive my WWs affair. I decided that I am ok with D and seven months after confirmation of the affair, eight months after BD, my WW finally filed for D and we are now waiting. I was hurting badly until about January 2019. I have since completely dropped the rope and moved on. I am still stressed because I have to move out eventually, but I am in so much of a better place because I started focusing on myself.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
For positive changes I see 2 categories: 1. Work on self - exercise, meditate, hobbies, friends, be happier 2. Housecleaning, cooking, taking care of kids
I struggle on #2 because in the past I’ve made improvements and only made things worse. I’m not a slouch but I could do better. But from advice here I should not be doing those things for the wrong reasons. My kids are small and I work FT, I can’t do 50/50 on the housework and kids. I just am not sure what to do other than maybe do what I think is right, whether or not W is pleased.
Just remember that your actions are for you. You are making changes to better you. None of your actions should come from a place of "if I do this then maybe she will notice".
Your actions should start from a place of "If I do this, I will feel better about myself". You are changing your behaviors for you and your kids and thats it. You are becoming the best version of yourself for you and your kids. You are showing your kids an example of how an adult handles a situation like this.
Its ok to be superdad to your kids because they need it right now. Just make sure that you are not trying to score brownie points with the W. Anything and everything you do should be to benefit you, make you feel better about yourself and get you to a point of full self love so that you can be the best version of yourself and the best father possible no matter what happens.
Keep doing this and eventually you will say to yourself "I got this, I don't need anyone's validation" and you will step off of the emotional rollercoaster and be in full forward sail with your life. Keep walking your path. Your W stepped off of the path, but you will keep moving on and moving forward, once in a while shining a light behind you to light the path, provided you want to do that. While you are shining this light your W may again find the path, work through her issues and catch up to you, to continue the same path through life.
Your W may never come back to the path. Or you may get so far down your path that you are comfortable without your W and stop shining that light behind you. I personally stopped shining the light. Because we all deserve better.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I’m doing better about doing things for me and not W. Subtle but I can feel the difference. Even in the way I choose to make simple parenting decisions.
Should I be DBing this much before the BD? Can this backfire, for instance if she is maybe soul searching at the moment?
You know something is up. Keep on DB. The sooner you start to DB the faster you will gain your emotional health back. Most people mess up and pursue for months after DB and push their WAS away faster. I did that the first couple of months. I went into full fix everything pursuit mode.
Thank god I found this forum.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Yeah I did pursuit mode for awhile and thank god I found this place. I feel like I’m regaining my sanity very gradually.
Something is definitely up. Sometimes I think I’m naive to think there’s not an A happening, but I do truly believe that. Not because I’m blinded by love, but it’s just not logistically feasible. Again, I could be naive.
It sounds like your advice though is regardless of the cause of her distance (EA, PA, MLC) that DB is the right path even if the BD hasn’t happened yet.
Time and space. It'll be beneficial to give your W some space to figure things out without pressure. Pursuit and pressure can cause them to feel forced to do something they are unsure of but feel like is needed.
You mentioned abuse and not being able to do the 50/50 because you work full time. I am sure you can do some 180s in these departments to become more emotionally stable, to be the rock in this time. To not be dragged into this emotional tug of war with them. Your feelings matter, and as much as you want your W to validate them, you may need to suck it up for the time being and not let your emotions get in the way. Bout that 50/50... my W and I have recently physically separated going on a few weeks now and I have done the 50/50 split with her when it comes to taking care of our two boys, age 6 and 11. I just had them this past week, doing everything for them. This past weekend, I was at her place also spending a lot of my time with them. I am living my life, working full time, taking on more responsibility than I had before. I started with an in house separation and I began to do more with the kids.
Whatever you do, do it for yourself and the kids and make it stick to become a good habit.
My W is not SAHM, but I can imagine the expectation some H have on their W to do everything at home regarding the children. 3 young children sound like more than a handful for 1 person full time. I can imagine the burden your W bears. Now is not the time to grovel or become emotional about it if you sense something is wrong. She will know something is up with you. Do your part.
Take care of yourself, get plenty of rest for yourself and the kids. Also validation won't hurt when your W does talk, just listen.
Although my W and I have separated, I spent about an hour or more one day at her place listening to her talk about her work problems. And once I started asking questions, repeating what she said but in my own words, and I said something like this, it sounds like you're saying " You saw Lorie's boss going to bat for the new hire with no hesitation, and here with your own boss, it sounds like your boss wasn't going to bat for you and it made you feel undervalued, is this correct?" She said "Oh my God, yeah that is exactly it." Although I couldn't fix anything, I was there to listen. She told me thank you for being there to listen and being a sounding board. She already took action to discuss matters with her boss but just wanted someone to talk to. Funny thing is, you would think some of this is a one and done type ordeal, it is not. My W has a very demanding job and stressful. I hadn't taken out enough time every day to listen to her daily problems. I made it seem like because they happened daily, they weren't as important than some of the less frequent issues. 3 young kids at home, I bet your W is wanting her partner to be there without having to say anything. And you don't... don't say anything, just do your part for now and give her space and time. When or if she does open up, validate, listen.
Keep posting, keep reading, and keep learning.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Had a great weekend, saw some friends for the first time in a long time. I really neglected male friendships and I can see how regardless of my M I need that support network in my life. W and I still talk pleasantly enough but not about our M.
Took care of some stuff around the house without asking, just did it, which felt good. Last night rather than watch TV with W I went and did some exercise and hobbies for about 90min. She ended up saying “Good night” when she went to bed which hasn’t been said in awhile (usually she just disappears). Could be nothing of course.
Still feels like everything is in limbo, like if I make one step in the wrong direction things will end. I still question whether I should be DBing when the BD hasn’t happened yet. Maybe I’m being too distant and cautious, and she will read that as me being checked out. Really tough.
With the 3 kids... our plan has been for W to go back to work part time which she badly wants and I know how much it means to her. But yes for now things are imbalanced, although I do come home on time 95% of days and spend time with them and put them to bed. Sometimes W goes out to dinner, or has gone for a couple weekends with different friends who live out of state. I could of course do better, but so don’t take for granted everything W does for them.
I am doing what you suggested... when she talks, make eye contact, listen, validate, stay positive, resist the urge to problem solve. Sometimes I think I see positive signs but it’s hard to say, and they haven’t translated to any gains in our M. More just that we have more pleasant conversations about the news or what have you.
