The forums on Divorce Busting are filled with so much great information. As I read through the posts, I like to grab the nuggets of gold and share.
I wish everyone well during these difficult times. Remember that everything will be OK no matter what the WAS chooses. Keep doing the right thing. Get in alignment with your core values. Stop doing what is not working. Try new ways of interacting. Let go of the past and do not fear the future. Be in the present. Commit to personal growth. Set goals for the future and keep taking steps to get there. Read about boundaries and learn how to set and enforce them.
As far as the wayward spouse, always assume the wayward spouse is in an A (Hint:This is your first 180). Do not reveal anything about what you know and how you found out. "We both know that is a lie." is a great way to deal with any deception.
Confidence by and far is the key in being attractive to women. . Women want to feel safe. A man that is confident projects that magnetism. A confident man is busy taking care of his home, career, body, cars, spirit, finances, mind and kids. When a woman sees her man handling his business and taking care of things it's attractive. Women nag when things aren't being taken care of, it's her way of letting you know what is on her mind. The problem is if you are a "nice guy" or pleaser you don't want to burden your wife with your problems because it might upset her. This makes her feel unsettled (not safe) because you are not being honest with her and you are avoiding her feelings. How can she feel safe if you can't stand up to her feelings?
One thing that was a huge 180 for me was how I reacted to my wife's worrying. I used to try and fix it, explain to her why she shouldn't feel that way and then tell her what I would do. (Women do you understand why men have this desire to fix things for you?) So the solution now is to really listen to her, try to understand her POV and then ask a probing open-ended question: "How can I help/support you with that?" It was eye-opening to me to find out alot of times that I wasn't expected to do anything except listen.
How to build confidence- get busy, take action, do something and talk about it.
Physical- strength training (it works wonders on the young men I coach), look good, dress like a man, walk tall, join a team
Mental- keep learning, read, take a class
Emotional - love yourself, know yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, let go of fear, be a good partner, become intimate
Spiritual - understand your light and dark sides, challenge your view of God, embrace quiet, pray, be grateful
What else is attractive? Make goals and plans then share them with your spouse (intomesee). Have a sense of humor and know when to use it. Build excitement into your life. Don't be to predictable. Be responsible for yourself. You define your legacy.
When you become responsible for yourself you have the confidence to "set them free." Your happiness and your life is all about you handling it the best for you. When you let someone else dictate how your life will be run then you are a victim and that isn't attractive. The DB techniques are all about doing healthy things for yourself. You are in control of your thoughts, feelings and actions. So when your world is collapsing around you, how attractive is it to be in control and moving forward? That's the calm, assertive energy you want to give off. It's powerful.
You can handle it. Strength and Honor.
Originally Posted by R2C
This is my list of how to attract a female.
1) Start off by living a healthy lifestyle. Make healthy choices when eating. Drink plenty of water. Get good sleep. Exercise regularly. Take care of your body. Alcohol in moderation. Set a goal to reach, and then maintain, your ideal weight.
2) Make good grooming and hygiene a ritual. Accentuate the differences between the sexes.
3) Dress with style - fit, compliment, cohesive, unique, personal touch
5) Awareness/Flirting ( 93% of communication is non verbal (body language) – study and enjoy what you find attractive and your body will naturally follow your thoughts. It is the ladies job to catch and hold a mans eye, several times if needed. This signals it is OK for him to approach. It is the mans job to approach the woman.
6) Social proof - Enjoy interacting with everyone, especially attractive members of the opposite sex. Maintain your personal boundaries with everyone.
Too many people here are fighting a emotional battle with their WAS. You have to realize that your logic will not change their feelings whether there is a A or not. Your words won't do it, your telling your WAS how sorry you are, how you will change, rubbing her feet, and pleading. These things reinforce how they already feel about you. To change the way they feel about you, you must change the way they think about you.
How do you do that? Most of us vets give the same advice in different words. The easiest and very productive way of changing the way your WAS thinks about you is to - agree with them (validate), drop the rope (let them go), and GAL (take care of yourself, become interesting). When someone comes in my office and is upset about their account the easiest way for me to calm them down is to agree with them. Now they can't be mad at me because we are on the same side of the table. If I try to tell them why they shouldn't be upset (logic) how are they going to respond?
Why would you not agree with them? It's how they feel, it's real to them. You defending your position is not going to change how they feel. It's just going to frustrate them more that you don't "see" them.
To me detachment means letting go of outcomes. I don't control the outcome so I shouldn't place my worth on the result. Doesn't mean stop caring, not trying, not having a plan, or giving up. I am solely in control of myself. If I do my best, I did all I could at the time then it has to be enough. I can learn from the experience and improve the process for future experiences.
Remember back when I told you told you to ask her not to text you unless it involved the kids and you ignored my suggestion. This was to help you detach and stay out of the friend zone. You have to make it clear that you are her lover not her friend.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I said if it's ok with you I'm going out, told her I didn't know where just was.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Remember, you are getting your respect back. The guy that commands respect doesn't ask for permission. Next time:
- Get ready. - Be ready to go OUT the door. - Pass by her and say "I am going out for a bit." - Leave without saying anything else. - If she protests, follows you, continues to ask questions, listen and validate.
She is testing you on all of this. To see your resolve. She wants to see how easy it is to reestablish control over you. You are the one that needs the eye opener, not her. You need to open your eyes to the fact that the more you focus on her with your DBing activities the less chance of success you will have.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am as cool and matter of fact as can be in response.
Never get sucked into an emotional debate with the W, let her rant, threaten, stomp her feet, etc etc. It's sounds like Charlie Brown's schoolteacher to me. Never fear what W will do - in fact don't fear anything. Accept what is happening, DB, GAL, stay calm, cool and in control at all times. Sure there will be times when the emotion starts bubbling up inside, but keep it there. Vent to a friend or IC if need be. W doesn't control you, you control you. Who cares if she gets upset? She wants a D, this is a D. But don't be vindictive, be fair and reasonable, know when to compromise and when to hold firm. These are some of my many mantras as I navigate my sitch.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I've read all that stuff like The Game by Strauss, Robert Greene, etc years ago. I need to revisit it.
The second part is what I couldn't understand or get, is how do I apply to this situation like mine or Wolfie's, when somebody knows you from the inside out for several years. That's when it hit me just now, and I figure it out the dynamics of why you have to have them think differently about you. Because that is the excitement and the dynamics of when someone first meets you, like a first date. So if you are perceived as new, changing, mysterious, exciting, etc, it's almost like learning about a new person. If you aren't attracting them back, then either they have moved on or you are not changing.
I have these little blips of moments in my thoughts as of recently where I'm starting to see the whole DB process in synopsis, steps, processes and checkpoints. I think I'm starting to see the forest for the trees.
Step 1 is to accept the current reality. Make goals, changes, adapt, and conscientiously stick to them. Step 2 is to detach and GAL to boost happiness, purpose, self esteem, etc. Step 3 is to set boundaries to regain self respect, trust, intuition, confidence, etc. Step 4 is to develop independence and eliminate codependency and control. Step 5 is to redevelop your wants and needs. Step 6 (If applicable.) Is to put yourself and your children first. Step 7 is to allow time and space to heal.
Step 8 only comes, and revolves around attraction, once respect and trust is re-established if it ever is? Only then can you proceed to re attract, conscientiously and willingly.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You don't bring up other issues when you state the boundary. LBS's should not approach the WS about more than one subject at a time. So, make it your rule of thumb to stick to only one subject whenever you need to address or confront her about it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You can have the boundary in your own mind, but you don't have to say it to her. You just do the actions if she dishonors your boundary.
I think you were busting to use these statements you've read in DB threads. If you had said it earlier, it would have been more effective than coming in at the 11th hour to tell her. ... Do you see how your timing was way off? Timing is everything.
Your timing was way off. You went after the separation. You went to her house, and you went late in the evening.
Your place and time was bad. You chose a place where she could kick you out.... You wanted to use these "statements" you've read on the board. There is nothing wrong with those statements from the board, but if not said in the right place in the right time frame.......they are not very effective, IMHO. ...Let me explain something about those statements on the board. For the most part, they are examples you can use when confronting the WW, or when telling her your boundary, or when she is telling you lies. However, you can't use them with the expectation it will change anything in the sitch. They are examples how to respond to a wayward or to confront........but they are not solutions. If you saw them as some way of making her come to her senses, then I'm afraid you will be disappointed. Yes, they sound strong and maybe have a punch to them, but they were not meant to use to pull the WW out of her fog.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You may not be familiar with 25 as she hasn't posted on here in the last few months, but one of her gold-plated pieces of advice was that it's the LBS's job to "keep the way home paved and smooth." That's really it, that's what DB'ing is all about. It's not to throw a hook into her and drag her kicking and screaming back home. It's not to dig potholes and set up roadblocks making it harder for her to drive home. It's not to put your front bumper against her back bumper and shove her farther down the road. It is simply to live your life and leave her alone, to be the rock and the lighthouse so that when she looks back she sees someone she WANTS to be with. If she chooses to drive home, then your job is to make that drive as easy as you can. BUT SHE HAS TO WANT TO MAKE THE DRIVE, AND SHE HAS TO DRIVE, NOT YOU.
So with this in mind, ask yourself if you are keeping the way home paved and smooth. .... You can't "nice" her back, I think you've already learned that. But unfortunately you've made the classic LBS mistake of then trying to "mean" her back, but that is equally ineffective. It's time to drop back, regroup, focus on you and the kids and well and truly leave her alone.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
