So I have been picking up the pieces since Tuesday's discussion and actions with the W. We spoke again on Friday for a few hours and pretty much I was emotional. It was definitely against the dos and don'ts on the page here. She spoke to me about us, about the OM, etc which was not where I wanted to be.
So I had a camp out with my son that night through Saturday evening. I was away from her where these other father/son things are taking place. All the dads usually just drink themselves silly and the boys go and play. It was the first camp out that I went to where I was not drinking. It was awkward being the only dad just sober and not acting like a idiot. Anyways, most of the dads were pretty cool about not giving me a hard time about not drinking. It went well and I had some time to reflect while I was there.
I got back Saturday evening and the W came to me and said there was a show tonight, actually two shows (her OM is trying to do stand up comedy I guess). She said she was going to go but not spend the night there. She said that I wanted her to be honest with me. I asked her to talk and we went up to my bedroom.
I told her that I appreciate her being honest with me and then I paused. She said, "but..."
I told her that I had some time to reflect on things while I was away. I told her that we have no relationship right now other than being coparents. I will discuss anything with her that is about the children. If it doesn't have to do with the children then I will no longer being discussing those things with her. I told her that I don't want to talk her about the OM, her job, her day, etc. I told her she knows my condition(s).
She asked me about the apartment. (she has been sending me potential apartments she is looking at). I told her that I have already told her what I would be willing to do for the apartment (and it doesn't require anymore discussions). If she has questions or concerns about the apartment, she needs to talk to someone other than me about it.
I then told her that while she is on her journey to figure out what she wants, I will be taking my own journey. I need to work on myself and figure out if I want to continue this relationship in the future.
I ended the conversation with her after saying that and she promptly left for the evening (like right after the discussion). She seemed upset or at least startled. I did this conversation to grab some of the control back as she got all the control back from me when I snuggled and kissed her. I really needed it do this for me.
I hope I handled everything right in your eyes, Sandi. I am trying to gain back my self-respect and not be considered the gay friend or being friend zoned. I know she liked the communications between us and said she has noticed a major change in how I am communicating better and showing my feelings and emotions better.
This does feel counter-intuitive to eventually getting her to come back as I pull further away right after pulling away and then us talking more and such and then now doing it again. I guess I have to trust the process. She seems upset with me (just how she was acting on Sunday and then this morning). I was talking to my BIL and I told him that I don't act really cold around her but I act like she isn't there (if that makes sense). I try to ignore her as much as possible. He said that is ok because she is openly having an affair. It would be different if she was looking for space to work on herself but since she is openly having an affair, the dynamic is different. If it was just space to work on herself, then you could detach but still be pleasant, etc.
Now he didn't say be mean to her which I am not. I told him that if she says something to me like have a nice day or something like that, I would respond in kind. However, I will not tell her to have a nice day first or do something out of the ordinary to start a conversation first.
Biggest mistake was in having these conversations.
Her: "Can we talk?" You: "Has anything changed?" Her: "Not really." You: "In that case there is nothing new to be said."
If she tricks you by answering "Yes, something has changed." Then end the conversation as quickly as you can, with "I am sorry, I am not understanding that anything has changed. I've already said what I have to say. Sorry but I am busy, I need to take care of some things."
Do this friendly. Without even a HINT of anger or frustration. I get the impression that you continue to engage her with frustration and anger. Maybe you aren't but reading your update it feels that way. Your goal is to remain stoic. Show no emotion. You aren't happy about the things discussed but neither are you upset. I know that scares you because she has complained about your lack of showing emotion, but she is in an open affair. So so what. If and when she commits back then you can show her ho wonderful you've become with expressing emotion. Not until.
As far as her being upset. SO WHAT! Again, this should not affect you. Stoic. Again, that doesn't mean angry or frustration. Or being unkind. But you are like a rock. She kicks you emotionally you don't even move. The goal here is to show her she no longer has control of your reactions and emotions. And she WILL test that.
I like your response on the apartments. Now stick to it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Anthony, that all sounds fine. I definitely agree with Steve on just not having R talks to begin with though. And also on sticking to it, on EVERYTHING you said to her. As Sandi points out all the time, every time you establish a boundary with a WW, she will test it to see if it means anything. If you fail the test you lose even more respect. So you have got to enforce your boundaries.
I always cringe a little when people say "gay friend" in the context of a sexless marriage. We do have people here in same-sex couples going through all the same terrible things as everyone else, and that term is derogatory, so please be sensitive to that.
Anthony, that all sounds fine. I definitely agree with Steve on just not having R talks to begin with though. And also on sticking to it, on EVERYTHING you said to her. As Sandi points out all the time, every time you establish a boundary with a WW, she will test it to see if it means anything. If you fail the test you lose even more respect. So you have got to enforce your boundaries.
I always cringe a little when people say "gay friend" in the context of a sexless marriage. We do have people here in same-sex couples going through all the same terrible things as everyone else, and that term is derogatory, so please be sensitive to that.
Point taken. I did not mean it in that context. I will not be "friend zoned" by my W would be a better explanation.
Not much to update. She has reached out to me on text a few times on things but they are mostly children related and I respond as needed with as little words as possible. Detaching is back in full throttle mode. Doing my exercises and workouts.
Just me doing my thing. Taking care of the children, playing basketball. I will be going out of town next weekend. Colored Easter eggs with the kiddos yesterday. GAL is in full tilt.
Fell off the horse earlier, dusted off and back on it.
She filed for divorce supposedly last week. I should receive the papers sometime this week. I am okay with this. GAL has helped me learn there is life after this. I have moved on. I do not plan on trying to save this marriage at all. I am focusing on myself and the kids and have been happy. My kids seems happier.
To those you have been hurt or going through this. Please know, things will improve. You will get through this. It may not feel like it now but God has a plan for you. GAL and detach. As much as I care or cared for her, I can't control how she has or does now feel. I respect her decision and have moved on. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep faith. Maybe it will work for you (saving your marriage). I have realized that I will be fine without the W.
If she has a change of heart, right now, I have no desire to get back into the relationship. I spoke to my attorney and am awaiting paperwork. I want it processed as soon as possible to move on.
Good luck with everyone and their sitch. Also, thanks for the support of the DB/DR community. I appreciate the help and wisdom. I have enjoyed the readings and continue to work on myself and improve as a person.
Much love and good luck. I will provide updates as needed.
Our best wishes for you and your kids A. Keep moving forward. Getting into amoafwl. You are showing your children how to be a healthy parent. Keep doing that man!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Continue to focus on the positives of everything, you will be a better person when it's done. And don't give up on your personal growth just because she is filing for D. Use it as fuel! Good luck Anthony.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Just keep working on yourself. My D is oending the judges signature and thats the end of my M for good. I am in the dame boat. Zero desire to R with my WW. So much better off without her. We deserve so much better. God speed brother.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
