About 28 years ago my dad (in his late 50's at the time) started seeing a young woman. Eventually she moved in with him and they "accidentally" became pregnant. They had a son. He did well in school, he was well-behaved but being one of very few young kids in a very old neighborhood he didn't have any friends. Eventually his mom and our dad started having problems getting along. I honestly don't know the details (I was already an adult with my own family and living in another city) but my dad kicked her out and she and their son went to live with her parents.
The boy got interested in boxing around 14 or 15. His grandparents were elderly and his mom was "too busy" doing her own thing to bother raising him. The gym where he trained was seedy and had a lot of gang members in it. They would pick him up from home and drop him off hours later. As I mentioned he had never "belonged" with a group of friends, and now he was without a father figure, so the gang-bangers adopted him. He quickly picked up their slang, their criminal ways and started doing drugs with them.
He dropped out of school. He got a young girl pregnant and his grandparents kicked him out. He and the girl moved in with my dad and had their baby. My dad is perpetually broke and was driving a truck (a very rare collector vehicle, only 900 made) I had loaned him with explicit instructions that he not allow my half-brother to drive it. He did anyway, and my half-brother smashed into another vehicle and totaled both out. This was the 4th vehicle he had totaled, which is why he wasn't supposed to be driving it. Little did I know my dad had dropped the insurance on it months before, my agent told me that if I had not left the policy in place that I probably would have been sued and paid dearly. That was about 2 months ago.
Last Monday I got a text from my brother that our half-brother was found dead in a street with no ID. They believe he either overdosed or took some bad/ contaminated drugs. It was several days before they were even able to ID the body. He was cremated with no funeral or service of any kind. He was 26.
Now I firmly believe we are responsible for our decisions, and that the "blame" for this rests squarely on my half-brother's shoulders. However, I also firmly believe that the split between his mother and our father, and their subsequent abandonment of their parenting responsibilities put him on a path in life at an early age where he was still quite impressionable that led to his early death. Most of you are probably aware that I am constantly preaching about the importance of trying to unite with your WAS in co-parenting your children. No matter your differences, you should make every effort to unite in love behind your children and offer them unconditional support. And if your WAS is not willing to be a proper parent, then you should double down on being the best parent possible, because your kid/ kids need it now more than ever.
I'm not posting this looking for sympathy, I honestly barely knew my half-brother. I saw him maybe 2 or 3 times in the last 10 years. That's not to say I wasn't upset by this, but I really wanted to share the story with you all to drive home the importance of remembering that despite what you are going through, you have got to remain mindful of how important your parenting responsibilities are.
I am sorry for your loss. It is never easy and I pray that he's at peace and no longer in pain.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I really wanted to share the story with you all to drive home the importance of remembering that despite what you are going through, you have got to remain mindful of how important your parenting responsibilities are.
Preaching to the choir, being a good parent is the best thing you can leave your children.
AS, my heart goes out to you. I am very sorry for your loss and I wish you and your family peace, comfort, and strength during this difficult time.
Your post puts my sitch into perspective when it comes to raising our child. Our little one is the starlight in both of my and WW's hearts and we always have and always will put 110% of our efforts in ensuring that she grows up and will always be happy and strong.
Sorry AS, that is a sad story. And certainly people can rise above their circumstances and achieve results in life. But definitely people are also affected by the choices of others around them. This is a lesson that many need to learn the hard way, unfortunately, especially the WAS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Such a sad story AS. So sorry for your loss. Although you did not know him well, had he lived, you may have in the future and are no doubt grieving what maybe could have been for him and for you. (((HUGS)))
As a child and youth therapist, I see daily examples of parents getting too caught up in their own stuff and the children being pushed aside like the break up of their parents doesn't somehow affect them. I am beyond grateful that my STBXH is putting his efforts towards being a good dad and a good co-parent. Despite his title of King Douche, he is only that as a husband but luckily, not as a father. It took some work on my part but I can honestly say that he and I are in a good place. We will likely never be "friends" but we will always be two people who share the most precious gift one could ever ask for...the unconditional love of our children. That is something I treasure and will always take the high road because of it.
Thank you for reminding us who and what should be our top priority in this difficult time. xo
I’m sorry for your loss AS. You know I still haven’t contact my biological dad so it’s really touching my heart what you have told us. Hope his soul rests in peace now. Our children is what we live for.
Can’t say more.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
AS, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Such a sad story and a cautionary tale of what can happen. My heart goes out to you and your family, your brother in that big ol' house of his, your dad, your half brother, his child and the mother.
There is now a child out there without a father. Probably against the same odds your half brother had in life. Your dad might not have made the best of every opportunity with your half brother, but he still has a chance for his grandchild.
AS, you're a great person and I know will continue to be a great uncle. I thank you for sharing this and for all the support you have shown and given. There is honor in what you've shared and although we don't know him personally, I know he won't be forgotten.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
