Another book you should get is “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. Sounds like you have what as known as Nice Guy Syndrome.
Doesn’t sound like an affair. Is she secretive with her phone?
She is secretive with her phone. I saw one time she was texting a 2x divorced childless female friend, something about "make sure you document what he said about your work". Part of the evidence that I know the BD is coming. I guess it could be an EA but I doubt it. I'm not sure it matters to me honestly -- either way she's being secretive and hiding things from me, it's impacting my trust of her too.
I do have that book. I bought it last year when I was lurking on Reddit's DeadBedrooms forum. Started re-reading it yesterday as a matter of fact I definitely suffer from NGS in many ways.
She's been planning to go back to work 1-2 days a week. She gets a lot of personal fulfillment out of her work, and I've been supportive of those plans. One time she estimated how much she could make in 1 day and I think I joked that she could work FT and I could stay home because we'd make more. Kind of thoughtless, intended as a joke, but maybe more hurtful than I realized. Other than that I've been supportive in my comments, telling her there is no pressure financially, listening to her talk about the best schedule. So I really don't know.
Regardless, I'm not worried about the "documentation." I'm hurt by the implication that she's documenting everything I do and say.
Hey Unichen. Give. Should I Stay Or Should I Go? a read. I'm not going to lie it's going to possibly sting a little bit. But I think it might give you some valuable Insight on what's going on through your wife's mind from start to finish
Just a daily update here, with a question at the bottom:
Last week I spoke to my boss about flexing some hours. I would call this a 180 but it was a day or two before I discovered DR. Today I worked from home, picked up S7 from school, and took S7 and D5 down to after-school activities. It is a rare occasion for me but I’m hoping to make this a weekly thing. Every Thursday, either go to office early or WFH, then handle after-school stuff.
I see no downside. Whether D happens or not, I have more work-life balance, W has a bit of a break, I feel great about this all around. I feel good about my motivation - I’m doing this for me, and even better it is something that gives my W a break from child-care. I’m going to need this flexibility if the D happens.
While at home, W brought me breakfast and lunch in the office, both unexpected. It’s easy to focus on the negative, but these were very nice appreciated gestures and I thanked her… not overly gracious or anything. She still gives me updates on how her family and friends are doing. She left for dinner with a colleague tonight, and said goodbye to the kids and gave them each so many hugs and kisses, I got a “bye.” So confusing. I keep thinking it’s like being in the Friend Zone, maybe she’s just coaching me for our life to come, where it will be in our best interest raising 3 kids to be friends. I’m learning to stop trying to figure it out and just work on my actions and behaviors. That’s why I’m attracted to this forum and DR, it’s simple, and avoids obsessing about everything.
On another note… I have a question to the forum. W has vaguely talked about going back to MC in June or July. Her commitment sounds very wishy-washy to me. Especially because in the past she has been so insistent on needing MC. I am fighting back my tendency to try to predict the future, but I do think it is likely that MC will be her way of letting me down easy, or giving me the BD in a safe place.
When we first went to MC, we both spoke separately on the phone with the therapist to give some background. My thought is to insist on having the same individual conversations ahead of time, and then telling the counselor that I am not particularly interested in MC unless my W and I share the same goal: staying married, working through things. Otherwise, MC is really for my W to feel better about herself, which she can do in IC. I don’t feel like she is going to provide answers that help me find my own closure.
Your definitely in the friend zone right now. It will be easier to raise 3 kids if you two are friendly to one another.
I wouldn’t bring up MC unless she does and absolutely state your stance that you are only interested in attending if the goal is to work on the marriage.
Also wanted to add, regarding the convo on the last page about the books you're reading and such- be mindful that the goal isn't to beat yourself up for being a horrible person with tons of faults and a bad husband. The goal is to identify weak areas in your life and work on improving yourself in those areas. It's far too common for the LBS to start reading all this stuff and come to the conclusion that everything is their fault and they are a horrible father, husband and person. If you were then you wouldn't be here, you would have been the one that BD'd and you'd be out having an affair with some floozy. Be mindful that YOU are a person with honesty and integrity and that yes you need to make some tweaks but no you are not an awful person that deserves this.
I definitely suffer from NGS in many ways.