Unichen give this a listen when you have a moment. Look up The Iron Rules of Tommasi on You Tube. Pay particular attention to 54:00 mark where he states the differences between the sexes and how the love. How men love idealistic and women love opportunistic. It pretty much reenforces what I was saying earlier about "checking their boxes" and having not only attraction but also long term potential growth and value.
But she said maybe we could go to my IC so I could "share my feelings" - pretty condescendingly honestly. So yeah I stopped.
She asked if I wanted to do that sometime this month, or go to MC in June or July. I just said "I'm most interested in couples." and left it at that. I know what's coming.
Sorry to be a bit blunt here, but if she isn't willing to work on the relationship, MC isn't going to help much. I asked W if she wanted to go in a moment of desperation in the early days of my situation and she said flat out "no". From what I've seen around these parts, the vets say not to force it if she doesnt want to go.
But she said maybe we could go to my IC so I could "share my feelings" - pretty condescendingly honestly. So yeah I stopped.
She asked if I wanted to do that sometime this month, or go to MC in June or July. I just said "I'm most interested in couples." and left it at that. I know what's coming.
Sorry to be a bit blunt here, but if she isn't willing to work on the relationship, MC isn't going to help much. I asked W if she wanted to go in a moment of desperation in the early days of my situation and she said flat out "no". From what I've seen around these parts, the vets say not to force it if she doesnt want to go.
Yeah I haven't forced it. She's been talking about going in June or July for months now. In early April (after my first apology letter) I asked her via e-mail if we could go earlier. That was my last attempt, when I was still super emotional. She never responded, or even acknowledged receiving the e-mail. Other than her text last week asking if I still wanted to go (my response above), I have said nothing. But last night she did say she started contacting some counselors. I didn't say anything.
She wants to go to MC in June or July, but I'm savvy enough to realize what is probably coming. Probably some combo of the following:
* She feels MC is a "safe" place to deliver the BD where I won't be emotionally crazy. * She feels MC will give her closure. * She feels MC will give me closure. * We will discuss co-parenting in MC. * She will have her D plans all set up by then.
None of those reasons meet any of my R needs. We can wait to discuss co-parenting AFTER the BD, when I have some time to process what just happened.
Anyways, with MC1 last fall, we both spoke to her ahead of time about our individual goals, our "vision" for the relationship. This time around, I will make sure to speak with MC2 individuals ahead of time, and I plan to say:
* I am concerned that W and I have mismatched goals. I want to save the M, I believe she wants to D. * How do you typically work with couples in this situation?
I believe most MC's would not try to save the M, in which case why bother going?
If my closure depends on fully understanding why my W is deciding to do this -- it's never going to happen.
But she said maybe we could go to my IC so I could "share my feelings" - pretty condescendingly honestly. So yeah I stopped.
She asked if I wanted to do that sometime this month, or go to MC in June or July. I just said "I'm most interested in couples." and left it at that. I know what's coming.
Sorry to be a bit blunt here, but if she isn't willing to work on the relationship, MC isn't going to help much. I asked W if she wanted to go in a moment of desperation in the early days of my situation and she said flat out "no". From what I've seen around these parts, the vets say not to force it if she doesnt want to go.
Yeah I haven't forced it. She's been talking about going in June or July for months now. In early April (after my first apology letter) I asked her via e-mail if we could go earlier. That was my last attempt, when I was still super emotional. She never responded, or even acknowledged receiving the e-mail. Other than her text last week asking if I still wanted to go (my response above), I have said nothing. But last night she did say she started contacting some counselors. I didn't say anything.
She wants to go to MC in June or July, but I'm savvy enough to realize what is probably coming. Probably some combo of the following:
* She feels MC is a "safe" place to deliver the BD where I won't be emotionally crazy. * She feels MC will give her closure. * She feels MC will give me closure. * We will discuss co-parenting in MC. * She will have her D plans all set up by then.
None of those reasons meet any of my R needs. We can wait to discuss co-parenting AFTER the BD, when I have some time to process what just happened.
Anyways, with MC1 last fall, we both spoke to her ahead of time about our individual goals, our "vision" for the relationship. This time around, I will make sure to speak with MC2 individuals ahead of time, and I plan to say:
* I am concerned that W and I have mismatched goals. I want to save the M, I believe she wants to D. * How do you typically work with couples in this situation?
I believe most MC's would not try to save the M, in which case why bother going?
If my closure depends on fully understanding why my W is deciding to do this -- it's never going to happen.
I feel for you. I really do. I'm sorry this is happening and I dont want to tell you what to do. but I think if you re-read what you wrote here you will have your answer on whether or not you want to go to a MC session where you think this will happen.
I feel like explaining to W why I pulled over the car 2 months ago and was so strange emotionally, both histrionic and trying to hold things in. I said I was ashamed and she said she was frightened for her life. And that I showed no remorse.
Earlier that day I saw a picture in our cloud account. It was our wedding photo on the wall, and a painting she got me as a gift on the floor, never hung up. I knew RIGHT THEN how unhappy she really was. It scared me. I freaked out. I never told her I found this. But it’s why I pulled the car over. And why I apologized in 3 letters for so much I did wrong. I asked to talk in person and she said only in front of IC or MC.
I want to tell her I’m distant out of respect and love and not out of spite.
I want her to tell her that I know what is going on.
Mostly... I want to tell her about the picture. I worry this will accelerate things or freak her out. I also worry that I should actually tell her about the painting, that it is an opportunity, that maybe she will understand why I wrote those long letters and lost weight and seemed emotionally charged up.
I just want some glimmer of light that we can maybe work this out somehow.
But instead I’m going to go downstairs, put a smile on my face, and enjoy the day with my kids and act super excited to be 40 today, because I have to keep up the act.
Unchien. Happy 40th Birthday. The act [censored]. The emotional rollercoaster [censored], the situation [censored], the compulsive thinking [censored], the guilt and the misunderstanding and communication issues suck. Rest assured what you are feeling is normal, Don't allow psychology or your W to put labels on you, whether deserved or not. As time goes by you will eventually settle into the "new normal" and every day more and more, accept where life is going. But you also have to make it happen. You have to get out of the house and GAL or you will go crazy, trust me. Take the kids, round em up and get out for a day with them. Hang with friends, make a coffee date, watch a comedy, do whatever it takes to make yourself temporary happy and distracted or this whole sich will consume you.
Unichen. This is going to hurt at first for you, but give her so much space that the silence is deafening, and your focus is nothing but your kids and you. You are not the one leaving the M whether W realizes it or not. Keep that respect for yourself. Its like, you are the one leaving, you are the one going NC, but you are the one level headed and emotionally level in front of her. You are moving forward in life without her, and in a sense, you are the one actually pushing the D without doing any of the leg work or mentioning of it. They are not coming back. They are guided by their current feelings. Let them go. Let them fail, let them explore, let them friend zone you, let them misinterpret you, let them do whatever the he'll it is they want to do. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR HAS ANY AFFECT ON YOU. You almost have to get to a place where you don't want this person in your life anymore, and don't care what they think, do, or feel, because they the ones quitting, rather than working, they are the ones holding in, rather than clarifying, they are the ones that want to go at it alone, than be a family. They are the ones that want to have you as a friend as plan b, than be your spouse, lover, and partner in marriage and parental partner. Its almost like you have to be so sick of the complex situation, feelings, actions, behaviors, trust issues, different points of views, and emotions, that you say F@$! THIS and save yourself, that you deserve better. But BE NICE. Im coming up behind you at 39 with a S1. I just started doing a lot of things alone with S1 lately. It feels great to known not only can I handle it, but look forward to it. It gets me out of the house, and keeps focus on S1. I'm getting ready to be a really good super dad, whether my W approves of my parenting, or not.
You bet, man. Just had a night of eye opening revelations from a different person's perspective. And not in a good way, so I get where you're at.
I cant speculate because I'm in a very low place right now. But I do know we gotta build ourselves up and make ourselves strong. It's the only way through this, regardless of the outcome
IW. I just read your updated posts on your thread. Sorry for your struggles.
I’m also in a low place. Not even a hug or ILY on my 40th. It hurts. Badly.
Let’s be honest - for the vast majority here we have ZERO chance of reconciliation. That thread of hope we hold onto becomes a leash holding us back from where we need to go. DB draws us in because it offers a plan to hang onto that thread, and we are drawn here because of that glimmer of hope. But we stay because DB helps us heal and become stronger happier and healthier individuals. That is the ultimate journey. I hope one day soon I come to terms that I need to DB just for myself. That’s it. And NOT because it might save my M. Because it’s for me. And not even tangentially with some hope that it may incidentally save my M. Letting go (if I can get to that point) seems like the only path to happiness. Forget the M.
Weird birthday though. Had a 20min discussion with W about issues with my FOO. Not sure why W even wanted to talk about it. Too late for me to get into the details, but felt strangely personal and we rarely talk about those things anymore. Just noise, I’m learning not to try to interpret things. Believe none of what they say, etc.
