If when you say recon you mean stopping the D yeah the chances are low. Once the WW gets the courage to do it they rarely change their mind. Now after D is a different story. My brother-in-law remarried his w. Got d'd again but not the point lol. My best friend's girlfriend left him and remarried her husband. One of my best friends parents are back together after 35 years and they hated each other.
Right now you are acting out of fear and that is not a attractive place to be in. What you fear you attract. What you look at disappears. I've been in limbo and it is soul sucking. Being divorced is 1,000 times better then limbo.
Your wife will struggle being d with 3 young kids. I guarantee it.
Also want to say... yeah she will struggle. She has a D’d friend with 2 kids though who is very strong and determined and one of her role models.
Probably the part she doesn’t realize yet is the financial impact. I’m almost 99% sure we would have to sell the house and living in an expensive area of the country it will be rough for both of us. Really rough. Like we might have to move out of our school district. She may plan to go back to work but she tends to overestimate what she can make.
That being said I would not reconcile for that reason alone (financial). Nor do I think she would. Or maybe she would realize this, but not explicitly state it. Honestly if she does start to come back to me for no obvious reason (like MC) it would be the money. And I would turn away.
I’m no expert and have only just started researching the financial implications for me though.
The other difficulties she may face I don’t think will faze her. Since she has been SAHM now for 18 months I think she is ready to handle the extra burden. She likes her friends. I provide some emotional support as someone to talk to, and that will be over, but... not enough probably. She will need to go back to work. Maybe more days than she wants to. I don’t know. She loves her career... she wants that and the 3 kids and no husband right now. She will struggle but that’s for her to bear.
Honestly I’ve made my mistakes which are a huge part of this. She also seems to just want to be a mom and not a wife. It’s been that way since before we had problems. The problems started when I started feeling ignored and expressed my feelings. So maybe I’ll be happier too in the long run.
Anyone else struggling on Mother’s Day? Trying to celebrate my W because she is a great mom but at the same time feeling such pain and hurt about what’s going to happen soon. And I have to act like “all is normal.” Starting to want to be alone and not around her.
IW. I just read your updated posts on your thread. Sorry for your struggles.
I’m also in a low place. Not even a hug or ILY on my 40th. It hurts. Badly.
Let’s be honest - for the vast majority here we have ZERO chance of reconciliation. That thread of hope we hold onto becomes a leash holding us back from where we need to go. DB draws us in because it offers a plan to hang onto that thread, and we are drawn here because of that glimmer of hope. But we stay because DB helps us heal and become stronger happier and healthier individuals. That is the ultimate journey. I hope one day soon I come to terms that I need to DB just for myself. That’s it. And NOT because it might save my M. Because it’s for me. And not even tangentially with some hope that it may incidentally save my M. Letting go (if I can get to that point) seems like the only path to happiness. Forget the M.
Weird birthday though. Had a 20min discussion with W about issues with my FOO. Not sure why W even wanted to talk about it. Too late for me to get into the details, but felt strangely personal and we rarely talk about those things anymore. Just noise, I’m learning not to try to interpret things. Believe none of what they say, etc.
Stay strong you are not alone.
My WW used to get me very nice gifts on my bday and gove me cards with love notes written in them. On my last birthday she got me a card that said "blow me".
That was the worst birthday I ever had.
Today is mothers day and would be our 18th anniversary.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Yeah it was literally her showing me how much she didnt love me. She was shoving me out of her life as quickly as possible because she went full tilt on her PA and didn't want to be cheating on OM with me. So she got very ugly so that I would know she hated me and didnt want me.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Anyone else struggling on Mother’s Day? Trying to celebrate my W because she is a great mom but at the same time feeling such pain and hurt about what’s going to happen soon. And I have to act like “all is normal.” Starting to want to be alone and not around her.
Unichen Im exactly at that place. I think that is a good thing that you don't want to be around her, not only will it help you GAL easier, but rebuild your strength and resilience to all these crazy expectations and emotions the WAW are throwing at us. It isn't going to win then back, but who cares. I'd rather be alone at this point, do things my way, rebuild my way, GAL my way. Strengthen my way. Believe in unity of the family my way, raise my son my way, and keep my emotions and beliefs for me. If they are so foolish not to realize how much we do, who we are, who we are becoming, and how much we care by our actions...Oh well their loss. They are the fool. They're the quitters. They're the ones that don't communicate all the unresolved issues, lose attraction, bury their feelings, seek private council, are guarded, dont do the work on themselves, blame shift and project it all onto us, break their vows. Etc...Keep moving forward without them. They're not worth your time or mental space. Its all about them, whatever they are going through, so leave them to them, and you to you. Become AMOAFWL. Because they will be the fool whether they ever realize it or not.
IW. I just read your updated posts on your thread. Sorry for your struggles.
Thanks, man. I have learned to keep a calm stone exterior, but times like last night are a gut punch. Still reeling - W has no idea tho and it will stay that way.
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I’m also in a low place. Not even a hug or ILY on my 40th. It hurts. Badly.
I know the feeling, all too well these past 8 months. it will pass. What really helped me is reading through the MLC resources - in particular from the former MLCers like sandi and AmyC. The description of the shift in viewpoint helped me to understand why this kind of behavior happens.
Happy 40th, man! Hope you got to do a little something fun today for you.
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Let’s be honest - for the vast majority here we have ZERO chance of reconciliation. That thread of hope we hold onto becomes a leash holding us back from where we need to go. DB draws us in because it offers a plan to hang onto that thread, and we are drawn here because of that glimmer of hope. But we stay because DB helps us heal and become stronger happier and healthier individuals. That is the ultimate journey. I hope one day soon I come to terms that I need to DB just for myself. That’s it. And NOT because it might save my M. Because it’s for me. And not even tangentially with some hope that it may incidentally save my M. Letting go (if I can get to that point) seems like the only path to happiness. Forget the M.
This is the hardest lesson to learn. Bc it seems so counterintuitive. But letting go is the only option left. But not with hate or anger or fear. Letting go with love, bc you love them.
The way I look at it now - the M is over, but now is the time to work on myself, and later, see if it's possible to build something new out of the ashes, after their crisis has diminished. What that looks like is anyone's guess.
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Weird birthday though. Had a 20min discussion with W about issues with my FOO. Not sure why W even wanted to talk about it. Too late for me to get into the details, but felt strangely personal and we rarely talk about those things anymore. Just noise, I’m learning not to try to interpret things. Believe none of what they say, etc.
Sounds like a good chance to practice listening. But yeah, def weird, esp for a bday
