W walked in later and started nitpicking and criticizing the way I had washed the baby bottles. She even complained that I was shaking the bottles the wrong way. Looking for everything and anything she could criticize me about. To this complaint I responded calmly “thanks for the advice but my way works just fine too.”
She was coached by my X wife.
I bet you can't even load the dishwasher correctly.
If you put the plates on the left side, they belong on the right side. If you face them inwards, they need to face outwards. If you rinse off the plate before loading, you are wasting water. If you don't then you are contaminating the dishwasher.
O, by the way, never put the dark plates next to the white ones, your wife will criticize you. LOL
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I have always been emotionally strong and stable while she is not. She is very quick to lose her temper and lash out. I thought this was part of the reason we were a good match: I could easily deal with her bad attitude without getting upset myself. But after years of blame and her being critical I am running out of patience.
She was extremely spoiled by her single mother growing up. Even to this day she bosses her mom around and is very rude to her at times. She didn’t have a father figure in the picture. I wonder if her upbringing led to her attitude?
Is it any wonder why she doesn't respect or umderstand men? No father figure in her life.
I noticed you posted on my thread regarding dealing with criticism from the W. Seems like there are certainly some similarities in our sitches as to the W's attitude. The first thing I would say is never get emotional in response to criticism. The reason you don't get emotional is because W does not have the power to get you riled up with her commentary. Understand this - she is not in control of you and does not have power over you. She can't make you feel bad about yourself. You seem to be doing a very good job of staying calm, keep it up. Don't let her get you worked up or suck you in, EVER! Stay strong in this effort.
Second thing would be never get defensive or justify yourself or your actions/inactions to her in response to criticism. Don't try to explain or use logic because you are dealing with someone who will not connect with that, and more importantly if you try and explain or rationalize you are giving credence to W's criticism and attitude. Not defending yourself can be really hard sometimes as this is a natural tendency, but what you are doing is playing into her game and operating in her frame instead of yours, and that is not where you want to be.
Originally Posted by Hallzy9
W walked in later and started nitpicking and criticizing the way I had washed the baby bottles. She even complained that I was shaking the bottles the wrong way. Looking for everything and anything she could criticize me about. To this complaint I responded calmly “thanks for the advice but my way works just fine too.”
You handled this well in my opinion. I call it the "thanks for the input, but" response, which is a good one. Another option in this circumstance is to say nothing, just look her in the eyes for 3 or 4 seconds while you continue to shake the bottle your way. You can do this with a smirk and raised eyebrow, or just with a blank stare.
Originally Posted by Hallzy9
She texted me later a picture of a tiny cut on our sons hand. I replied “oh no he must have gotten that from holding the open can.” She replied “cuz you grabbed it out of his hand” implying blame. I had had enough of the criticism for the day and replied, “ I am tired of your criticism and blame. Yes I took the can from him because it isn’t safe for him to be holding that”.
This one is a little trickier because it's a text and not face-to-face. You could consider not even responding to the picture text as you know what W is trying to do by sending it. You know the blame game is on. I have used a couple different approaches in similar circumstances - one of which is ignore, another is "OMG do you think they're going to need to amputate?!", another is "thank God I was able to get that can out of his hand so quickly and he only has a tiny cut".
My W has hit me with some crazy blame-game stuff, I will take anyone's challenge on this site as to who has endured crazier blame tactics, I'm going to win that one. My #1 response is "YOU think THAT was MY fault?!", with a smile or smirk. When W of course says "Yes", I just laugh. It's great.
Originally Posted by Hallzy9
Venting: I haven’t mentioned it in my sitch much but W is highly critical and controlling. She wants everything done her way and if i do something a different way from her she lays on the criticism and blame. Things as insignificant as how to shake a bottle.
Your W may have anxiety issues that are the basis of her controlling behavior. Do a google search and youtube search on "anxious wife" and similar terms and you may find some helpful information.
I also think you should do a google search on "sh_t tests", where you will find lots of helpful information and insight. It sounds like you are a lot like me, in that you do not put up with much BS, and you have a good foundation to build on when dealing with BS from the W, so a lot of the tips you will find will come easy to you to employ.
Harsh criticism is a relationship killer. It starts a domino effect or chain reaction of bad interactions that much of the time leads to D unless the cycle is broken. All you can do is your part. There are lots of resources here and on the web that you can tap into to get more ideas on how to deal with your W's constant criticism. Pretty much everyone agrees - don't get emotional and don't get defensive, explain or rationalize. Do ignore, or act amused, smirk or laugh, or agree and amplify to a ridiculous level.
Good luck with your sitch, I will be following.....
I bet you can't even load the dishwasher correctly.
If you put the plates on the left side, they belong on the right side. If you face them inwards, they need to face outwards. If you rinse off the plate before loading, you are wasting water. If you don't then you are contaminating the dishwasher.
O, by the way, never put the dark plates next to the white ones, your wife will criticize you. LOL
Haha thanks ready, it’s always great hearing your judgement! Glad I handled that R talk well, it definitely seems like W is having increasing attraction lately.
Originally Posted by Gekko
Your W may have anxiety issues that are the basis of her controlling behavior. Do a google search and youtube search on "anxious wife" and similar terms and you may find some helpful information.
I also think you should do a google search on "sh_t tests", where you will find lots of helpful information and insight. It sounds like you are a lot like me, in that you do not put up with much BS, and you have a good foundation to build on when dealing with BS from the W, so a lot of the tips you will find will come easy to you to employ.
Harsh criticism is a relationship killer. It starts a domino effect or chain reaction of bad interactions that much of the time leads to D unless the cycle is broken. All you can do is your part. There are lots of resources here and on the web that you can tap into to get more ideas on how to deal with your W's constant criticism. Pretty much everyone agrees - don't get emotional and don't get defensive, explain or rationalize. Do ignore, or act amused, smirk or laugh, or agree and amplify to a ridiculous level.
Good luck with your sitch, I will be following.....
Hey Gekko, Thanks for the advice, I have been pretty good at not showing emotion to these criticisms. I am an expert at the ignore, and started practicing the laugh it off a lot today.
Man you hit the nail on the head, My W has anxiety and while it is better lately, there were years where she had multiple panic attack’s per day. Most likely due to a severely alcoholic mom and no father growing up. I never knew how that manifested in relationships but a lot of things make sense now after reading about it.
Haha that’s funny you mentioned shyt tests because today I got drilled with like 50. I have always been really confident, in excellent physical shape and easy on the eyes lol. That combined with my emotional stability make these sh*t tests cake for me.
Today after work she hit me with a few about my appearance which I handled easily. “You think you look good with that toupee of a hairdo you got?”. “I could be bald and I would still be hot as sh*t”. No problem lol. After a few of these passed tests she got closer to me on the couch and started rubbing her leg on me.
I’ve been really PMA around her and she keeps testing that too, seeing if she can make me act sad or insecure. No luck yet. She asked me if we could go get frozen yogurt with our S. Doing stuff like this without a complaint is a 180 for me and she is moving out in 6 days so I want her to see my changes as much as possible until then so I agreed.
In the car she hit me with more shyt tests. We were kind of dancing to the radio, “Your dance moves are terrible”. Me: “you’re tripping, all the ladies love my dance moves”. I know sounds super lame and cocky haha but it reinforces my stability and confidence. After yogurt she suggested we go to the store to get stuff for S. I agreed, we did a lot of joking around in the store and she was laughing a lot and play hitting me. Did some 180s too.
By this point the shyt tests and criticism had stopped, I guess I reacted well enough already that she felt no need to continue it. It really felt like how we got along together a few years ago. Super weird and refreshing.
Finally we got home, I put my S to bed while W laid in bed. I joined her in bed and when I did she moved very close to me and put her leg over me. She started grabbing my stomach. I said “are you grabbing my almost non existent body fat?” Another confidence move. She play hit me and then started grabbing her own stomach fat. She complained about it a bit and I responded with compliments that she barely had any and that her stomach was so flat. Lack of words of affirmation was a big complaint of hers, and even though it was about appearance she seemed to really like my comments. This whole situation had a lot of intimate touching. Pretty crazy turn around from how she reacted to my touch and compliments like 5 weeks ago, she would have been disgusted and ran away.
So yeah anyway things are going very well it seems. W asked me to go out this weekend so we can have some drinks, we will see if she flakes or not. I’m still not acting overly interested. But we got 6 days till she and her mom move out, I feel things have gotten so much better that I wish I had more time with her in the house. Will be an interesting change in dynamics when she moves out. More later, thanks.
Hey guys hoping for some quick advice if possible,
W texted me asking if I can help her pick up mattress she just bought. I have been very firm that I will not help her move out or into her new apartment. That I won’t help build furniture anything like that. Things have been really improving lately but I’m not sure if I should help her. My manly instinct is telling me to do it. Any advice is appreciated.
Last night I was rubbing her back. She has been way more receptive to my touch since a month ago so I am initiating touch with her more and I think she enjoys it. I don’t think she sees it as pursuit currently. She made a comment after a couple minutes that I was only rubbing her back to escalate to s*x. (I was notorious for only being affectionate with her when I wanted s*x and otherwise wouldn’t bother doing anything like massaging her.) This was another thing of her laundry list so I tried to 180. I didn’t try to touch her sexually though and responded that while I would enjoy s*x, that wasn’t why I was rubbing her back. Not sure if I answered correctly but I guess my actions supported what I said.
More intimate cuddling through out the night. In the morning we both woke up. I brought our son into our bed as he had woken up. W started holding my hand, which hasn’t happened in months. A bit later I got up with son while W laid in bed a bit longer (another 180 for me). When she got up she came into living room and said, I want a hug. She came and straddled me on the couch and hugged me for a long minute. Also something that hasn’t happened in months.
These didn’t feel like temp checks as she has shown a lot of attraction to me the past few days. And then she texted me mid day about the mattress thing. What do you guys think? When she moves out I will not be doing favors like this for her without question unless she verbalizes wanted to work on MR. Is it okay for me to help her pick up the mattress?
Hey guys hoping for some quick advice if possible,
W texted me asking if I can help her pick up mattress she just bought. I have been very firm that I will not help her move out or into her new apartment. That I won’t help build furniture anything like that. Things have been really improving lately but I’m not sure if I should help her. My manly instinct is telling me to do it. Any advice is appreciated.
Instincts do not work. Logic works. What works is counter-intuitive.
When I was single, I had a lady ask me to buy her a drink. My reply was "Absolutely, After you buy me one." She said I like your style. This is about mutual respect.
What do you want her to do BEFORE you help with the mattress?
I do believe you already had plans. What she offers should be extremely tempting for you to have to cancel.
Quote
She made a comment after a couple minutes that I was only rubbing her back to escalate to s*x. (I was notorious for only being affectionate with her when I wanted s*x and otherwise wouldn’t bother doing anything like massaging her.) This was another thing of her laundry list so I tried to 180. I didn’t try to touch her sexually though and responded that while I would enjoy s*x, that wasn’t why I was rubbing her back. Not sure if I answered correctly but I guess my actions supported what I said.
I believe the response was acceptable. I would have went down the "shock"/humor path.
W:"You only rubbing my back to escalate to sex" H:"Nope, took care of that earlier..Opps maybe I should go wash my hands..."
or more building tension light humour:
H:"Touching you does get me excited. If I get to excited, I will stop."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Help her move her new mattress? Don't you have plans already? I'd have plans if I were you.
Hahaha so I took along time to reply and then said, I’m working Sunday, maybe Saturday. And left it at that. Hey Ready just saw your reply as I was typing this. Editing to reply to you. Okay understood, I didn’t say yes so I can say I have plans. That’s interesting, there was an instance today where W asked me to do something and I said sure if you do blank for me. After that response she said never mind lol!
I’m a little confused in my sitch at the moment. From BD to now, W went from sure we wouldn’t be getting back together to maybe wanting to R. Went from no physical touch and recoiling from my touch to cuddling very closely every night, holding hands, long hugs. From not talking to me more than a few sentences to joking around and talking a lot. Went from coldness to playfulness and some s*xual tension. From disgust to attraction.
All of these are great signs I’m sure? But from the different sitches I’ve read I’m confused about my current approach. Some sitches I’ve read relating to separation where the H and W gradually start spending more time together and doing more things together leads to R. And then I’ve read stitches where going NC leads to R.
It seems that when I do things with her, our interactions improve and get better. She just hasn’t initiated an R talk where she discusses possible outcomes really. We had an R talk 3 weeks ago where she made it clear she wouldn’t avoid seeing other people. Things have improved between us x100 since then but she hasn’t told me she has changed her mind. So I am to assume she still feels the same? If she moves out and hasn’t mentioned a change of mind on this matter, I am inclined to see other people to.
I’m also curious about my level of involvement post separation. I recently read a sitch where the H started by just seeing or talking to his W once every few weeks. This escalated to them going out to dinner once a week. Then twice a week. And so on until R and moving back in together. Obviously I understand I won’t initiate dates or conversations but how should I react if she does invite me over or want to go somewhere? Thanks guys
You should assume nothing has changed in her mind. If she wants you, you'll know. If not, you'll be confused.
If she moves out there's not going to be much to talk about. If she invites you over after moving out you could try to ease back in. MWD wrote to accept some, but not all invitations. I'd accept none if she was off being a cheater.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
