I seriously just smacked my head when I read your question. Why, why, why would you ask her that? Do you enjoy pain?
I am going to be completely honest with you. I dislike your W as much as any WW on here in the last 4 years.
You have 2 young sons and you need to teach them not to tolerate disrespect from other people. Stop with the BS that it’s good for the kids. They will have the time of their lives going on a road trip with their dad.
Look man I know this is hard. Respect and strength is the only thing that will change your situation.
Right now I'm working NGS. Read that book and it felt like it was specifically for me. Took it to my IC and creating he is creating 'program' around the issues.
Also working on Shame, intrinsic value, and vulnerability. <- these are tough to do without W.. as she would be getting the 'actions'. But its still possible. Building strong, open (vulnerable) relationships with other men.
Why are these tough to do without your W? How did she figure into these personal areas? Would you explain what you mean she would be getting the actions? How is that different from showing 180's?
I think you are still wanting to sit down with your WW and explain why you were the way you were and how you will be much better in the future. It doesn't work with a wayward. She's way beyond caring why. Look, she does not respect you as a man, and you can't get her respect by explaining your issues. If you try to talk to her about your shame, vulnerability, etc.........it will only make her disrespect you more. Why? B/c her heart is closed off to you. She doesn't have compassion for you. She resents you, and you can't change it by explaining it away. She is not in the place mentally/emotionally to be positively affected by whatever you want to share about your new self discovery.
I think some of this comes after reading the book and wanting to make big changes in yourself, and most of all wanting to show your WW. If you want to change your nice-guy ways, then apply it to every area of your life.......not just the M. You don't discuss it with her, just do it. See, from day one, you've wanted to fix everything by talking. You still want to do what doesn't work right now. Maybe you've found a new subject, but you are still trying old methods that won't be effective with her.
If you really want to change, you can do it without discussing it with her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I seriously just smacked my head when I read your question. Why, why, why would you ask her that? Do you enjoy pain?
LH, I have to be honest, some of your posts really crack me up. They are direct, 2x4’s and you don’t hold back. I appreciate that. Although it’s sad, sometimes I find humor in my sitch and am able to laugh at things that have transpired, WWs choices, and how I’ve dealt with everything. I must be a glutton for punishment, but laughter helps maintain my sanity at times.
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I am going to be completely honest with you. I dislike your W as much as any WW on here in the last 4 years.
You have 2 young kids and you need to teach them not to tolerate disrespect from other people. Stop with the BS that it’s good for the kids. They will have the time of their lives going on a road trip with their dad.
Look man I know this is hard. Respect and strength is the only thing that will change your situation.
Trust me, your disdain for my W is apparent and warranted based on her words and actions. It feels like I should win some type of award for fighting to save a MR with WW of the decade, lol. There in that gives me more motivation to DB my a$$ off and someday/somehow turn this around to be a success story for the ages.
Optimism with low expectations is key to enduring the pain and continuing to figure out what is and what is not working.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
curtis, I am about as pro-marriage as they come. However, at some point you have to decide to cut bait, and run. When there has been a long period of time (over a year), or multiple affairs. Or abuse. There are a few deal-breakers, and these are some of them.
Curtis, just make sure you have no unfinished emotional business. Deal with all of it, earn your way out, then walkaway with your head held high!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Hit a major birthday milestone today, signature line updated. Woke up to the kids bringing me a bag of hand painted crafts and magnets, t-shirt, and handmade card with stick images of the three of us. That put a smile on my face...and theirs, we were all excited. Gosh I love my kids.
No gifts or even a happy birthday wish from my W as of yet. I started thinking what I would want from her and these things came to mind: a long loving hug, a passionate kiss, sex, a commitment to end her affairs, desire to move home, agreement to attend Retrouvaille, an apology. Any of these would be appreciated. I accept that none of this is going to happen today. I’m okay with that and will continue DBing.
I’m planning to take the kids to a Japanese Steakhouse tonight with my parents. The kids will enjoy the hibachi show in front of them. Last night, S8 asked W if she wanted to go to dinner with us. He did this on his own. She said maybe. Her choice, I’m fine with it either way.
I’ve been keeping busy getting the house ready for my birthday party this week. Pool deck, lanai, and front walkway paver blocks are sealed with a nice wet look finish. Pressure washed the driveway. Assembled a new patio set last night for additional outdoor seating. Still need to give the inside of the house a thorough cleaning and mow the lawn. One of the baseball moms is coordinating and planning much of the party. Catered taco bar is on order from a local Mexican restaurant and I’ve fully stocked the drink reserves. Looking forward to the party with good friends that are very supportive of what I’m going through.
No real talk with W over the past few weeks. Primarily text messages only regarding the kids or horses. She’s been running hot and cold towards me. We both attended D4’s pre-k graduation show last week and W asked if I could stay a little longer in the classroom after the show. I did and our daughter appreciated it. I also texted her that I had decided that I’m taking the kids to California for a week and a half next month. I did not offer for her to join us. She replied she needed to think about that. I followed up a few days later and she said that was fine to take the kids on the trip. She also asked that we switch weekends with the kids so she could align with the weekends divorced BFF has her kids. I replied that is fine. W also regularly sends face emojis in her texts to me to express her feelings. Not reading anything into it as she probably does that with everyone. Two nights ago, W took the kids to divorced BFF’s place and they stayed there late on a school night. I always expect some spew from my W after she has been BFF. As such, last night, S8 had his first baseball all star practice, which I am coaching, and W offered to watch our D4. I replied that wasn’t necessary and that D4 can stay with me at practice. W replied “whatever”, I did not respond. Later in the evening she sends me a text apologizing as she keeps forgetting to bring a tool back to the house that I requested last week.
I’m trying to keep my focus and thoughts off of her and just live my life the way I want to while making the most of my time with kids. The mindset and actions continue to be leave her alone.
I need to get busy planning the detailed itinerary for the California trip with my kids. I want to make sure they have the time of their lives!!
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
