Persistent Endurance (Part 3)

[LH19]

I tell him I’m sorry about all of this, that it wasn’t caused by him or his sister, and hope that it’s only temporary before our family can get back together.

Just validate you son's feelings. Do not tell him that you hope it's temporary before your family gets back together. That will only cause him to get his hopes up that you will get back together.

Everything else sounds pretty good other then I don't like her cake eating by coming over and riding the horse every night.

[ovrrnbw]

You wrote a note saying how the kids are lucky to have her as a mom? She's cheating and abandoned the family, so I don't see how she is a good family person. What you wrote is a love note showing her how attached you still are.

Gotta let her figure out her horse in a way that doesn't involve you.

[curtis7]

My W had requested in an email Saturday night that I gather all of my financials and make a list of our assets and marital items with estimated values so we could decide by the end of the month who keeps what.

Get your list together, BUT DO NOT SHARE IT WITH HER!!

Flip this around. You do not have to send this message either. It is your thought process:

H:"W, I have no intention on drawing up such a list. You draw up the list. I will review. If I believe it is fair, I will agree. If it is not fair, I will give give you my changes."

Let her "Split the cookie" you pick the half you want to eat.

The first one in negotiation to "Name the price" loses. Let her name the price.

R2C, thanks for the great advice on how to address her demands. I was reluctant to assign values to any of the items to share with her. I will need to do this and keep it to myself to better understand how things could shake out. I know how to play poker and she will need to show her hand first.

R2C beat me to it but yes, make her do all the work. Does she really think she's in a position to make demands of you to escalate the D? No, that is her problem. I would not say one more word to her about it. If she demands again to know when you will send the list, simply tell her "D is not what I want, if you prefer to pursue it I will not stand in your way. But I will not be doing your work for you on this."

AS, I definitely plan to use that statement if/when she brings this up again. I would expect her to go ballistic at which point I will end the conversation and walk away. I will not stand in her way of D, but I will not hand over what she needs. If this is what she wants, she’ll need to do the work. Hopefully, she follows the path of other WWs that are notoriously lazy when it comes to taking the next steps.

[Ready2Change]

She took several storage containers of Xmas and other holiday decorations, several other decorative items around the house, and a few paintings off the walls. None of this really bothered me as it’s just stuff, although the hooks on the walls where some of the paintings and artwork used to reside looks a bit odd.

Man up. Come to agreements on what can be taken and the value. Call her out on this.

H:"W, I noticed some of our joint assets are missing. Did you take anything?"

W:"Bla lbla bla mine bla bla bla bla"

H"I am sorry you feel that way. It is important for us to split our things fairly. I believe it is best that we come to agreements on the value of items before either one of us claim them as mine."


W:"Bla bla bla unfair bla bla bla"

H:"I can see why you feel it is unfair"

[Yail]

She took several storage containers of Xmas and other holiday decorations, several other decorative items around the house, and a few paintings off the walls. None of this really bothered me as it’s just stuff, although the hooks on the walls where some of the paintings and artwork used to reside looks a bit odd.

Man up. Come to agreements on what can be taken and the value. Call her out on this.

H:"W, I noticed some of our joint assets are missing. Did you take anything?"

W:"Bla lbla bla mine bla bla bla bla"

H"I am sorry you feel that way. It is important for us to split our things fairly. I believe it is best that we come to agreements on the value of items before either one of us claim them as mine."


W:"Bla bla bla unfair bla bla bla"

H:"I can see why you feel it is unfair"

One thing that has worked well for me is using email for these lists so there is documentation. I said to W, "Could you please send me a list of the items you plan on taking on _____ date? I will let you know if I have concerns on any of them". W did so, and I reviewed and responded.This made her do the work, but also gives me a written request I can review in my own time (not in the moment when emotions are high).

It should seemingly work well for her as well, as she would then have documentation of you responding, "yes, I have no problem with you taking x, y, and z". Clarity and documentation is never a bad thing.

[Ready2Change]

I was the one that moved out. I went through things one room at a time. Starting with my office. Ending in the kitchen.

I sent emails like this:

I plan on taking everything in my office tomorrow. If there is anything in there that you want, please move it someplace else in the house.
.
.
.
.
I have gathered everything I plan on taking from the kitchen and is on the dinning room table. If there is anything you want to keep, please move it from the table.



I did not quibble about the value of the little things. Last thing I asked for was the hot tub. figured that ballanced out the value of all the furniture.

[curtis7]

Hey Curtis,
Finally finished catching up on your sitch,
I have to say you WW seems highly unstable. She must really be suffering right now. That is no excuse for her behavior. You seem to really care about her which must mean that she was an amazing person before she became WW. You seem to be a really great guy who has so much love for his family but the disrespect from her is insane. You deserve to be treated so much better.

I think if I were in your situation I would really try to detach fully from her. Drop the rope. Absolutely no conversation apart from child information. She seems so out of bounds with her actions, you must be an incredible patient man to be putting up with this. I wish the best for you man.

My W portrays everything as perfectly normal from the outside when she's not chasing fantasies on her phone, I have no idea what she is struggling with internally. It could be that she has fully detached and doesn't let guilt about the family affect her. I do know that she continues to blame me for all of her problems and unhappiness in life. Loving her from a distance is a choice I have decided to make. It's not for everyone and does require a tremendous amount of patience and a thick skin. I suffered from PTSD like symptoms for several months after BD and PA discovery. However, now those feelings of panic and self-doubt have been replaced with a numbness when it comes to her actions and choices. This develops over time as the LBS continues to improve on detachment. When times are tough, I think to the future with my kids if they were to ask why things didn't work out with mom. I want to be able to look them in the eye and tell them that I did everything I could so they didn't have to grow up in a broken home. I do my best to stay diligent with my 180s/GAL and await the day my WWs feelings change again.

Keep it up Hallzy, been following your sitch as well. Your's is early on and you are making good progress applying the principles, keep with it, the changes will work wonders for you the longer it plays out. Best of luck to you!

[curtis7]

Just validate you son's feelings. Do not tell him that you hope it's temporary before your family gets back together. That will only cause him to get his hopes up that you will get back together.

Everything else sounds pretty good other then I don't like her cake eating by coming over and riding the horse every night.

LH, I understand what you're saying about my son, I need to keep his expectations low, just like mine. Otherwise, he could be even more devastated if his hopes get crushed.

I don't see the horse situation changing. I can't force her to take it elsewhere or for her to pay rent, we both own the property. If I make that type of demand I see her laughing in my face because I wouldn't be able to enforce any consequence. Also, I do get some benefits out of it in that I get to see my kids a bit more often while she is here and she helps in taking care of the boarder's horse.

Something else I wanted to throw out there for comment. For the past 2 years, my S8 and I have had a tradition of taking a summer vacation around the country to see baseball games in different stadiums. Last year, my D4 was very sad that she didn't come along, W said she picked up and played with a bat and ball while we were gone. This year, I'm not leaving D4 behind. Initially, one of my son's baseball tournaments was going to conflict with the dates we were considering in June so I had decided it would be best if we took a shorter trip and went to visit family in the Midwest and see some games there. My W was fine with me taking them.

Now, that particular tournament was cancelled, so I have a full week available. As such, I was looking at heading out West and taking the kids to drive the Pacific Coast Highway between Northern and Southern California while seeing some games and other attractions along the way. The question is do I ask my W to come along or just inform her that is where I intend to take the kids for vacation? Something along the lines of "W, I plan to take the kids to California for a week of fun and excitement, you are welcome to join us if you wish, let me know in the next few days as I will be finalizing travel arrangements."

The fact is the kids love her and they would enjoy going on a trip with both parents more. If I can be with my WW and do things with our kids as a "family" without having ANY expectations in regards to the situation, then I would just consider it to be co-parenting. I would offer this for the sole reason of doing what is in the best interest of the kids. Even though I fully expect her to decline the offer, I still feel it is worth asking the question. Thoughts?

[AnotherStander]

Curtis, well done on the interactions with W that you've described in your last several posts, that all sounds like good, solid DB'ing!

The question is do I ask my W to come along or just inform her that is where I intend to take the kids for vacation? Something along the lines of "W, I plan to take the kids to California for a week of fun and excitement, you are welcome to join us if you wish, let me know in the next few days as I will be finalizing travel arrangements."

The fact is the kids love her and they would enjoy going on a trip with both parents more. If I can be with my WW and do things with our kids as a "family" without having ANY expectations in regards to the situation, then I would just consider it to be co-parenting. I would offer this for the sole reason of doing what is in the best interest of the kids. Even though I fully expect her to decline the offer, I still feel it is worth asking the question. Thoughts?

If you can do it with zero expectations, and if you are going to do the trip whether she does or not, then I think it's OK to ask (although I think others will disagree). Whether she says yes or no it should be water off a duck's back to you.

[Ready2Change]

Something along the lines of "W, I plan to take the kids to California for a week of fun and excitement, you are welcome to join us if you wish, let me know in the next few days as I will be finalizing travel arrangements."

From this date to this date."