I second what LH has said. Way worse in your head compared to how it will play out.
My IC was CBT. I am not sure if a MFT would help in your case, but I have no direct experience with a MFT counselor. You may want to try it to see if it's a good fit. I'd stick with CBT because you're focusing more on you at this point than her.
Re: meditation - I do a silent meditation where I focus on my breath and let thoughts come and go. Every time my mind wanders, I bring the focus back to the breath. I know it's challenging at first, but it takes time to quiet your mind. If guided meditation works better for you, then do that. I am not ideological about the method of meditation. I just prefer silent. I put on some ambient music to create a conducive environment.
Yes, it is definitely a good de-stress and relaxation method, but I've found it's helped me improve my cognitive and emotional abilities. I am way more calmer and mentally together because of it. I also find it creates a super reflective space afterwards and I am able to think more clearly.
If guided works for you, then stick with it. The key is consistency. You'll see results in a few months down the line. Exercise patience. I'd also so generally that if you're doing less than 20 minutes a day, it will prolong results. However many people aren't able to do 20 minutes out of the gate. I'd start with 5 minutes and then build your capacity. I started with 15 minutes and then slowly built it to 45 minutes. I do 15 minutes in the morning and 45 in the evening.
There's tons of good research and resources out there. I believe Emily Fletcher has a new book out that I've heard is pretty good. I haven't checked it out yet, but I've heard a few podcasts with her and she's really great.
Yuval Noah Harari talks about how meditation changed his life and he was in the same predicament as you - couldn't sit still for 5 minutes. But he built his ability over time. I'd say that be compassionate and take small steps and be consistent. Take in a learning approach and growth mindset. btw, another great book that was a game changer for me is on growth mindset by Carol Dweck. Check it out.
I also had big assists on my parenting approach from books by Robert W. Greene and Shefali Tsabary. I'd definitely endorse them big time.
On another note - don't be a lamb waiting to go to slaughter. Looks like you're in misery just waiting for BD. Just start focusing on yourself and going on your personal journey. You have the advantage of being better prepared for it compared to almost all of us here who got blindsided by it. The more you improve yourself, the better you'll be for whatever comes.
Stay strong; be self-compassionate, and get more self-aware.
Unchien. You're my hero. This entire thread resonates with me SO much. You're gonna do great.
My IC has a phrase that I have attached myself to:
"Today is Wednesday (or whatever day it is), and whatever happens today, I'm more than capable to figure it out."
Like you, I have attached my Ws affection to my worthiness and man has it gone terribly. It was never meant to be that way. And now unraveling myself from it hurts but is proving most rewarding.
I remember my BD day just 3 weeks ago. My W looked over at me, dropped it and asked, "are you going to be ok?"
And I said with a smile, "I'll figure it out"
I left after the session and wept HARD, but since that day I've practiced the art of walking in only today. And it's working. Not perfectly. But it's working.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Like you, I have attached my Ws affection to my worthiness and man has it gone terribly. It was never meant to be that way. And now unraveling myself from it hurts but is proving most rewarding.
Man, this is exactly how I feel. You put it perfectly. I have attached my Ws affection to my worthiness. That is a terrible place to be.
Unchien. You're my hero. This entire thread resonates with me SO much. You're gonna do great.
My IC has a phrase that I have attached myself to:
"Today is Wednesday (or whatever day it is), and whatever happens today, I'm more than capable to figure it out."
Like you, I have attached my Ws affection to my worthiness and man has it gone terribly. It was never meant to be that way. And now unraveling myself from it hurts but is proving most rewarding.
I remember my BD day just 3 weeks ago. My W looked over at me, dropped it and asked, "are you going to be ok?"
And I said with a smile, "I'll figure it out"
I left after the session and wept HARD, but since that day I've practiced the art of walking in only today. And it's working. Not perfectly. But it's working.
Si13 - Thank you for sharing your story. I also gravitate to your thread. Our sitches share many commonalities.
Being pre-BD, I constantly worry that I am over-DB'ing right now, that I should back off a bit and try to stay a bit more connected to my W. Things are getting more and more awkward between us by the day. We text and talk about our kids almost exclusively. We sleep in the same bed, but always go to bed at different times. Sometimes I think she suspects that I am having an EA/PA. The communication is so broken --- it is so hard to fight off that instinct to want to reach out to her and R-talk.
Then I remind myself -- I wrote 3 letters and 2 e-mails apologizing for so many things - some of them emotionally abusive, some of them misunderstandings. I poured my heart out. I reached out, asking to talk so I could understand her feelings. Crickets.
The only thing giving me any hope is that W is trying to find MC's for us to visit in July. And I know this is likely part of her D timeline.
Any advice here on whether I should DB so hard when I am pre-BD? I know I need to DB for my self-improvement, but for interactions with my W, should I modify my approach?
I know the advice can sound contradictory and I remember that time. I'd say that give her space, but don't go completely dark on her. Don't leave the room if she's there. Be generally polite and if she engages with you, remember to validate and listen. Stay cool calm and upbeat. Your value is not tied to her and your marriage. You are worthy and valuable as a person.
I know it's hard to stay positive and upbeat, but I can tell you that it will make a huge difference - to how you feel and she'll definitely notice. As I said, start your journey for personal growth and keep doing things.
There was a poster here named TxHubby who basically after 2 years of throwing a pity party, got up and got a life. His WW was still at home and doing her thing, but he stopped giving a f#$k. He put his life together, and got in shape and improved his professional career etc. All the while being courteous and polite to his W but not caring whatsoever what she did or thought.
Start living YOUR life. Stop thinking of this as figuring out a tactic that will work. Tactics have a short shelf life. You having a totally different mindset and approach to life will yield in good results whether or not she wants to stick around.
You know pouring out your heart and soul doesn’t work. BTW that only works in the movies.
True. On the flip side, if your partner closes off their heart and soul entirely, that also doesn't work. Some level of emotional intimacy needs to exist. Right now, she doesn't seem to want it.
Originally Posted by LH19
You could shower her with attention and affection? How would she respond to that?
About 2 weeks ago I considered giving her a simple card. Something along the Iines of: "I care about you, and I'm here for you. I hope we can work to repair and heal things and I want to do my part." Better judgment kicked in and I tore up the card.
I returned from a work trip about a month ago with a simple gift, and she not only said "You don't have to get me a gift" but said it several times.
Before things eroded, I used to stop at the store sometimes to bring her flowers. She would respond frustrated that I didn't tell her I was stopping at the store because I could have also picked up groceries.
Affection is not her LL. Other than a hug when I leave for work (where she almost turns her head a full 180 away from mine), there is no affection. From time to time I've tried just patting her on the back, or rubbing her feet in bed, but she initiates nothing.
Attention doesn't seem like what she wants right now either.
Originally Posted by LH19
Or you could giver her time and space to sort through her feelings which is mainly what DB suggests.
I guess I feel like I'm waffling between 2 extremes and maybe there is some middle ground. Maybe she read my apology letters as this extreme over-the-top out-pouring, and then I went full DB the past couple weeks. Time and space could be read as punishment. I don't know.
Limbo is a super-confusing place, especially when you throw in the accusations of emotional abuse, some of which are true, some of which are not. When every attempt to communicate you have to worry you will be documented, that you are being analyzed, that she may use this as some piece of evidence later... it is emotionally exhausting. My trust in my W has eroded. I think she is being secretive. She's on her phone a lot. I'm on my phone a lot. Honestly, I don't see us getting through this without MC, so maybe DB until MC is the right choice. I would hate to look back and regret that I didn't do more to try to reconnect, especially since this erosion has been going on for months, but I just don't know how to do that. I am working hard on validating when we do talk, which is maybe one way the door may re-open again in the future. OK now I'm just rambling...
I returned from a work trip about a month ago with a simple gift, and she not only said "You don't have to get me a gift" but said it several times.
Doing something as simple as this is what helped me get the BD. IMO It's because she sees it as you trying to get her to want what YOU want her to want, and not what she wants.
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Before things eroded, I used to stop at the store sometimes to bring her flowers.
I cant tell you what to do, U. But I can tell you that doing this about 3 months ago (preDB) was an absolute disaster for me.
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Attention doesn't seem like what she wants right now either.
I'm in the same boat so I've been letting W talk to me when she wants. I made it clear in the BD that she could talk to me no matter what it was. I said it only once. She did hear it.
It's the only thing that has "worked" (I know DB is not about that). It is very little conversation, very sporadic. It lets me see just how far the M has eroded in her mind and lets me evaluate it from a different viewpoint.
Right now I'm aiming for calming the stormy seas. Once that happens, if it does, I can take baby steps to seeing if we can be friends again.
Originally Posted by LH19
Or you could giver her time and space to sort through her feelings which is mainly what DB suggests.
I guess I feel like I'm waffling between 2 extremes... [/quote]
I feel your pain. This will be in the background for a while. But it gets less over time.
Quote
Limbo is a super-confusing place, especially when you throw in the accusations of emotional abuse, some of which are true, some of which are not. When every attempt to communicate you have to worry you will be documented, that you are being analyzed, that she may use this as some piece of evidence later... it is emotionally exhausting. My trust in my W has eroded. I think she is being secretive. She's on her phone a lot. I'm on my phone a lot. Honestly, I don't see us getting through this without MC, so maybe DB until MC is the right choice. I would hate to look back and regret that I didn't do more to try to reconnect, especially since this erosion has been going on for months, but I just don't know how to do that. I am working hard on validating when we do talk, which is maybe one way the door may re-open again in the future. OK now I'm just rambling...
It's hard to know what is the right thing to do. I trusted my gut and did things the old way for a long time and got negative results and excruciating pain. I started doing some 180s and got a few limited neutral results - but way better than any pain in months. Time will tell if it will stick or not.
About 2 weeks ago I considered giving her a simple card. Something along the Iines of: "I care about you, and I'm here for you. I hope we can work to repair and heal things and I want to do my part." Better judgment kicked in and I tore up the card.
One thing I can promise you, SHE KNOWS YOU ARE THERE FOR HER AND YOU CARE ABOUT HER.
Originally Posted by unchien
I returned from a work trip about a month ago with a simple gift, and she not only said "You don't have to get me a gift" but said it several times.
You are not listening to her. She doesn't want you to buy her gifts because it makes her feel guilty that she doesn't have feelings for you right now.
Originally Posted by unchien
Before things eroded, I used to stop at the store sometimes to bring her flowers. She would respond frustrated that I didn't tell her I was stopping at the store because I could have also picked up groceries.
Why would you keep doing this when she responded this way?
Originally Posted by unchien
Attention doesn't seem like what she wants right now either.
DING DING DING we have a winner! Give her time and space.
Originally Posted by unchien
I guess I feel like I'm waffling between 2 extremes and maybe there is some middle ground. Maybe she read my apology letters as this extreme over-the-top out-pouring, and then I went full DB the past couple weeks. Time and space could be read as punishment. I don't know. .
Now you are just making excuses to pursue her. Again you are not listening to her and only care about your needs.
Originally Posted by unchien
I would hate to look back and regret that I didn't do more to try to reconnect, especially since this erosion has been going on for months, but I just don't know how to do that.
Look man, I know this is extremely difficult for you right now and you are trying to do the right thing but unfortunately you are very needy and are making things way worse. If you don't start taking the advice given here your situation may reach a point of no return.
If you love her and I truly believe you do. Give her time and space to sort out her feelings. She has to choose to want to be with you. You cannot reconnect with her right now.
I'm in the same boat so I've been letting W talk to me when she wants. I made it clear in the BD that she could talk to me no matter what it was. I said it only once. She did hear it.
It's the only thing that has "worked" (I know DB is not about that). It is very little conversation, very sporadic. It lets me see just how far the M has eroded in her mind and lets me evaluate it from a different viewpoint.
A big problem that occurs is it takes awhile to understand and truly implement DB. What you just described as not DB is totally DB. When your spouse approaches you to talk you make eye contact, listen and validate.
