A Real Mess Pt.2

[mtb1981]

She wants to play family but doesn't want to be married. That's called cake eating, and you shouldn't let her do it...

[AnotherStander]

Resentment is creeping in and all the while I miss her to death. I miss my friend, my partner.

I hear you, it's painful, it's terrible to go through! We all went through it or are going through it- wondering what in the world happened to the loving spouse we thought would be there forever. But take it from me and others here that have been down this road and have had a few years to reflect on it- she's gone. The person she is now is not the person you fell in love with and spent all those years with. I know that's difficult to hear but the sooner you accept it the easier it will be for you to give her the time and space she needs. It is quite literally like an alien has removed your old W from her body and substituted another person in there. She may look like your old W, and sometimes act like her, but it's not her. Like most of us did, you are clinging to the notion that your W is still in there somewhere and if you push the right button she will pop back out and all will be normal. But it won't happen that way. You've got many months or (more likely) years of work ahead over which you may slowly build a new R with this new person. You've got to be exceedingly patient for that to happen.

Not sure what to do about certain things: W wants to spend quite a bit of weekends together as a family - going places, going to church, even talked about going to a Texas Rangers game. Even then talked about a trip to California this summer all of us to see family WTF

Like mtb said she wants to cake-eat and play family when it suits her. You can go along with it if you want, but none of it really means anything to her, her attitude is "I'll keep doing this until something better comes along."

[Wanted1]

Not sure what to do about certain things: W wants to spend quite a bit of weekends together as a family - going places, going to church, even talked about going to a Texas Rangers game. Even then talked about a trip to California this summer all of us to see family WTF

Like mtb said she wants to cake-eat and play family when it suits her. You can go along with it if you want, but none of it really means anything to her, her attitude is "I'll keep doing this until something better comes along."

Yep. Been there done that. My exWW told me for a month that she thought it was best if she moved out. She kept delaying and delaying. Used the excuse that she was going to wait until after Christmas. Which probably was the right choice, I suppose. However, I was tired of playing house and family with her. It was hard as hell for me to detach for my own good. It felt like we were just delaying the inevitable. I finally told her in the middle of December that I was tired of playing house. She, of course, used that against me down the road. Blame shifting and all of that. Which is fine. I don't regret my decision to tell her that. I had hung on long enough, for me, without any noticeable change of heart or progress from her. It felt like nothing was going to change the outcome, so I ripped the bandaid off. She probably resents me for it, but in the end, it was her decisions that got us to where we are, D. I know that and deep down she probably does too, although she won't ever take full responsibility. I wonder if part of the resentment and blame shifting comes from her not getting to cake eat. I put my foot down and it wasn't on her timeline. I don't care, though. D wasn't in my timeline either when all this [censored] happened.

[si13]

Yeah, so let the 2x4s begin. Maybe I've got too much hope. Maybe I'm too focused on her. I'll confess it's all those things. I want her back.

Overwhelmed by grief today. I don't want this dream to die. I confess I've been too dependent on her, her love, her affection. And since she took it away 18 months ago, I've been a mess.

I've only just started DBing. She doesn't seem to mind. She gets all the space she wants. Doesn't get asked about her phone or what she's doing all day.

I haven't been able to catch a glimpse of the good life yet. Owning the strength and individuality I can have in looking forward.

I thought it would be easier having her in the house to get her reaction to DB, but it's harder than I thought.

Sitting at dinner each night faking it with the kids at the table. Going out after the kids go to bed to basically grieve - not enjoying myself yet.

I don't really see her making an effort to land the big job yet, well, because she has everything she needs at our home.

Gutted, confused, sad. I can't remember not looking forward to weekends but here I am.

We all go see a movie with the kids tomorrow.

I got her a gift card for getting her nails done for Mother's Day, and a card from the kids this year. First time I haven't gotten something for her to prove my love - to gush about how I feel about her. It's just empty this year.

[unchien]

si13,

I’m new to this but I struggle with the hope and dependence and just wanting her back too.

Lately what helps me is to frame it like this:

- For our M to survive, I need to change. I cannot be co-dependent, focused on her, living my life worried about her. We cannot be happy as a couple if I do not change, if I cannot be happy on my own.
- incidentally these same skills will be necessary for me to endure a S or D and enjoy the rest of my life.

No matter what the outcome of your M, you have to be able to be happy and content on your own.

I am by no means anywhere near achieving any of this, but I recognize my complacency over the years, letting my co-dependency lead the way, adding more emotional burden to my W while I stood idly by, was a major culprit in the erosion of our M.

[si13]

Unchien I sincerely appreciate those words. You're absolutely right. I have never been the kind of man I want to be, and my M has never been interdependent, but codependent.

I know ultimately I will be ok and actually better than ok. But I need to start realizing that now.

I feel great physically, I have fears of the kids being very hurt (ours are the same ages BTW).

It's really a matter of me GAL - and really owning that life and NOT worrying about she's doing.

Praying for you my friend.

[unchien]

My thoughts go out to you also, si13.

I try to find positivity and happiness in little things, small improvements, things I didn't notice before. It creates a nice little positive feedback loop which has kickstarted me feeling better about myself the last week or so.

Examples:

* When I watch my kids alone now, I am so much calmer and relaxed. Before (and even now to some extent), I would try to do what my W wanted me to do. But on my own, I am calm. I discipline calmly, I feel more connected to them on my own.

* In the process of dealing with this, I reached out to a few long-lost friends. It feels good to reconnect. It feels good to know these people, who in some cases I haven't spoken to in years, are so supportive. They do not blindly go along with me, they challenge me, but in a kind way. It feels good to know I have good instincts, to surround myself with good people, that my friends are there for me in tough times, even though in my codependency I tended to distance myself from friends.

* I asked my boss for less work and more flex time. Partly to help my M, partly because I know I will need it soon expecting to be a single dad. I just up and did it. It felt good to stand up for myself and what I needed.

* I took the initiative to fix some things around the house without asking W. In the past, I felt I needed her permission. Now I'm just doing those things. It feels good, and whether she is angry or happy, I am content either way.

* I think about the future. A month ago, I thought I would be a single dad in a crappy run-down apartment seeing his kids 2 days a month. Now? Yeah, my kids are young, I'm likely to have an every-other-weekend kind of arrangement. Guess what? I'll have free time to go see friends, take on a new hobby, go do some things I want to do. Would I rather be happily married? ABSOLUTELY. But not to the W I see today. I am unhappy in this limbo, in this friendship M with no affection, no concern about me.

[Niall11]

Yeah, so let the 2x4s begin. Maybe I've got too much hope. Maybe I'm too focused on her. I'll confess it's all those things. I want her back.

Overwhelmed by grief today. I don't want this dream to die. I confess I've been too dependent on her, her love, her affection. And since she took it away 18 months ago, I've been a mess.

I've only just started DBing. She doesn't seem to mind. She gets all the space she wants. Doesn't get asked about her phone or what she's doing all day.

I haven't been able to catch a glimpse of the good life yet. Owning the strength and individuality I can have in looking forward.

I thought it would be easier having her in the house to get her reaction to DB, but it's harder than I thought.

Sitting at dinner each night faking it with the kids at the table. Going out after the kids go to bed to basically grieve - not enjoying myself yet.

I don't really see her making an effort to land the big job yet, well, because she has everything she needs at our home.

Gutted, confused, sad. I can't remember not looking forward to weekends but here I am.

We all go see a movie with the kids tomorrow.

I got her a gift card for getting her nails done for Mother's Day, and a card from the kids this year. First time I haven't gotten something for her to prove my love - to gush about how I feel about her. It's just empty this year.

This post really hit me because it sums up very well how I've been feeling as well, and I've been at it a bit longer than you. But I'm not enjoying anything yet and I absolutely hate living almost entirely separate lives under the same roof for now, with no positive interaction at all, and feeling sure she's enjoying her separate life a lot more than I'm enjoying mine.

Hang in there. It takes a lot of time.

[si13]

Didn't know that Mother's Day would hold so many interesting dynamics. What an wild weekend!!!!

I made sure that my wife felt very celebrated (by my kids) but I left a very pursuing element out of the equation this year. I did get her a gift (from the kids), I did sign the card but it was very neutral.

We had some conversations this weekend that led me to believe that my W is somewhere in between WAW and MLC.

There was one point in our time when I mentioned her 39th birthday in conversation. She mumbled something about her 30s being gone and what did she have to show, a waste, etc. I usually tried to rescue and reassure her with something like this, but I didn't say anything in return.

We had a pretty heated conversation on Sunday night in which I could have done a better job being direct with a request to help with the kids dinner. I think in some ways she feels like reparations are due to her because of my "abuse" but we are 18 months into that repair already. I was feeling pretty resentful this weekend as she just got to do not much of anything.

This at point got us to what is she trying to accomplish right now - she told me 3 weeks ago she wants a D but won't be going anywhere until she has the "perfect" job. I expressed that I wasn't really satisfied with that.

We somehow got around to whether her heart was open to reconciling. She basically said she wanted to find her voice, louder than mine, louder than her parents, louder than any influence. I remained quiet, but validated. At no point did I try and convince we could do it or how there have been changes. Matter of fact our kids kind of came in to the room so I said we should talk later - THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE NEVER DONE AS I WANTED TO GET AN ANSWER THAT SHE'LL STAY.

In a roundabout way she said she was unsure what she wanted, couldn't guarantee any outcome and didn't want expectation.

I suppose this is better than going forward with D plans, and to some degree I can see the DBing is creating a much different atmosphere.

She couldn't believe that I didn't tell her that I had lunch with my cousin on Friday (random thing), but she seemed shocked I didn't tell her right away. She then asked, does this mean I can go out to lunch and not tell you about it? I replied, totally ok with me.

The space has given me time to heal a lot more. Time to catch my breath and not so caught up in what she is doing.

It is pretty clear to me she is still really confused - I know she talked to her parents on Sunday which is the first time in 3 weeks. She was on the phone for probably an hour so i'm assuming they know the scoop now. And if I know them they likely cautioned her on her plans of uncertainty, which is probably why she mentioned their opinion in wanting to hear their voice.

Good day all. Stay close to your faith.

[sandi2]

THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE NEVER DONE AS I WANTED TO GET AN ANSWER THAT SHE'LL STAY.

In a roundabout way she said she was unsure what she wanted, couldn't guarantee any outcome and didn't want expectation.

In a nutshell this is the difference in the LBH and the WW's mindset. It has not even occurred to her that you aren't biting your nails wondering if she'll stay or leave. And the pitiful thing is....she's right........or are you changing that perception?

WW's are very arrogant. It's all about her (in her opinion) and until you show her differently, she won't ever change.