Its all your fault she's unhappy. Its all your fault you didn't exceed her future expectations of you, its all your fault you didn't wear the clothes she wanted you to wear. See where I'm going with this? Its all your fault if you don't get back together with her before the separation begins.
Validate. Keep focusing on you and kids, don't entertain crazy emotions, projection and blame. You're doing great, better than I.
Its all your fault she's unhappy. Its all your fault you didn't exceed her future expectations of you, its all your fault you didn't wear the clothes she wanted you to wear. See where I'm going with this? Its all your fault if you don't get back together with her before the separation begins.
Validate. Keep focusing on you and kids, don't entertain crazy emotions, projection and blame. You're doing great, better than I.
Thanks man, god to hear that. Today has been tough. I haven’t shown any emotion about it but damn it’s sad seeing W pack up her clothes.
Also forgot to mention that during R talk last night I made it clear I didn’t intend to be friends with her when we separate as that is not a role in her life I would accept. Not sure if I should have said this or not but oh well.
You are alpha. You walk your own path for your own purpose. They can come if they want, or go in their own direction. Girls who are friends are pulling other girls for you to be romantically attracted to and sleep with. You don't go backwards in life from having a W to a "friend" Cut them lose and ghost them. Sad? Sad for who? Try looking at it from this perspective?... Regardless of what mistakes you made, (and I get it, there is some guilt there.) Who is the one leaving? You should feel sorry for the W for leaving a good thing and a good man. You want a quitter in your life? Someone who promised a lifetime that they would never bail on you? And when things got rough, and life threw a curveball, they up and quit, and work on themselves rather than the M?
I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for my WAW. My mindset and abilities are getting stronger everyday while she's still fantasizing about creating her bucket list dream life while watching Game of Thrones...lol
You are alpha. You walk your own path for your own purpose. They can come if they want, or go in their own direction. Girls who are friends are pulling other girls for you to be romantically attracted to and sleep with. You don't go backwards in life from having a W to a "friend" Cut them lose and ghost them. Sad? Sad for who? Try looking at it from this perspective?... Regardless of what mistakes you made, (and I get it, there is some guilt there.) Who is the one leaving? You should feel sorry for the W for leaving a good thing and a good man. You want a quitter in your life? Someone who promised a lifetime that they would never bail on you? And when things got rough, and life threw a curveball, they up and quit, and work on themselves rather than the M?
I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for my WAW. My mindset and abilities are getting stronger everyday while she's still fantasizing about creating her bucket list dream life while watching Game of Thrones...lol
That’s a great way to look at it. This situation causes us to change for the better. In the past month I have become a greater man in so many aspects of my life and I still have room for a lot of improvement. She will be the one missing out. That’s hilarious you mention that, here I am doing all kinds of healthy new things and she still just comes home and watches 6 hours of reality tv. It’s like they aren’t happy with their choices in life and instead of looking inward they look to blame the closest person to them. I’m not saying I’m not to blame for some things, but in no way am I to blame for all of her unhappiness. Thanks IHCLACS, you have a really great insight into our sitches.
Also I forgot to mention that although I am unsure if there is OM, her doing things such as changing her phone password and texting a lot more than she use to make it pretty clear to me she must be talking to OM. I kind of came to this last night.
Not necessarily, WAS's always pick up an enabler or two and share EVERYTHING about how unhappy they are, how they want a D, how if they could only get rid of their H then everything would be great, etc. etc. and they don't want their spouse to see those "secrets". My XW suddenly clung to her phone day and night, like would literally fall asleep with it in her hand which was not at all normal for her. I snooped (this is before finding DB'ing) and it was all exchanges with her enabler friend who had recently left her husband.
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She then said something like if we don’t end up getting back together in a few months maybe we should just see a mediator. Seems like she’s looking for an easy way out, however the week of BD she expressed no interest in getting back together. Seems like she is considering it though now with my changes. Or she is just being nice so I don’t fight back who knows.
Probably a little of both- trying to keep you on as Plan B and also soften you up for D negotations by "dangling the carrot".
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Next I forgot how we got into it but she started talking about my laundry list of problems. “I tried to get you to buy new clothes for years and now you buy them”. “Every time we went shopping you would come after me to give you money.” “You can’t just be involved with our kid a lot for a month and think you are a super dad now”.
To all of these complaints I didn’t get up set but responded with something along the lines of: “I have made these changes for myself. I understand these changes are too late for you but I have realized the person I want to be.”
Great, that's a perfect response.
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She then started getting upset and really started tearing into me: “you were never there for me, you were such a terrible person to me” all this stuff that isn’t true in my opinion. I tried to validate saying that I didn’t give her enough attention and didn’t speak her love language but I did defend myself as well.
Don't defend, just listen and validate. defending will just escalate things into a fight.
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I told her “you saying I wasn’t there for you isn’t true. I was all you had for many rough years. I was your rock, when we had to go get your mom from the hospital multiple times, I was the only one there for you.” Her mom is an alcoholic and hit rock bottom and fell off the wagon every few months. She is doing much better now.
I know it’s typical for WAWs to change the MR history so everything is negative. But this really hurt me.
I understand that, but you've got to get over it. Just remember that "her perception is her reality" whether you agree with it or not. She's being truthful, she really doesn't think you were there for her. She BELIEVES her version of rewritten history. So when you "defend yourself" all you are telling her is "you are wrong and I am right" which to her looks like "more of the same" behavior. If you listen and validate you are not AGREEING with her, you are merely acknowledging that's how she feels. It defuses the situation because you are not taking sides. Work on that, it's very important.
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I tried not to show too much emotion but at some point tempers flared. I brought up that she was talking to an OM: she replied angrily “there’s no OM”! I replied “sure keep telling yourself that because I don’t believe it.”
OK so I hope you can dissect this and see that up to this point things were going well and this was a turning point where it all went to crap. You stopped listening and validating and fell into old habits, right? So what did you learn from it?
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I made an error here and started texting some friends. I turned on my phone volume and started texting loudly. She got super angry and maybe was projecting that I was texting a girl or something. She then started calling me a d*ouchebag repeatedly. She got so mad that at one point she said “let’s just file for D”. I replied “that’s not what I want but go ahead. I’m not stopping you!” She was so upset that she was crying. Not sure why she was crying though. Self pity? We both had done some drinking and I don’t think she really meant this about getting D”
Yeah things definitely fell apart toward the end there. We had both done a lot of drinking which was not ideal. The part about me bringing up possible OM. I have read in other threads that if the WAW thinks they are fooling their H about OM that they lose a lot of respect for H. So while I haven’t found concrete evidence of an EA, I am highly suspicious. She even said an exact quote that Michelle writes in DR that a spouse will say when involved with OP. There is a chance that she is telling the truth and that there is no OM, but if there is one, I want her to know she’s not fooling me.
You are right, I shouldn’t have argued on that one statement she made about me never being there for her. Currently she has rewritten our history and I guess can only see it her way for now. Is there ever a point where WAW sees things as they truly were? Or is it common for WAW to continue to view the MR in a false only negative way?
Although this R talk ended badly stander, the day after went very well. She apologized for the name calling and displayed a lot of pursuit behavior. She made a comment that insinuated that her D comment had no real substance behind it and she most likely said it to get a reaction out of me, which it did not.
Gotta get better at validating even when I don’t agree, thanks.
Just journaling, So 6 days left till W and MIL move out date. Put son in W car this morning, got a friendly have a good day. Later in the day she texted me about some money I needed to give to my MIL regarding their deposit on my rental home. I didn’t reply but sent the money electronically 30 minutes later. I’m really trying to implement not texting back if it’s not a question or isn’t something that she couldn’t tell me in person.
Anyway when W got home from work we talked and joked around a bit. Lately she has been doing this thing where I’ll say something and she mocks me, repeating what I say in a dumb voice or something. It doesn’t seem like she’s trying to be rude but also isn’t joking around. Kinda feels like she is testing my emotional stability or something. I usually either give her a look like “you’re weird” or I just smile and ignore it.
Today I responded “are you trying to hurt my feelings? Your gonna have to do better than that!” In a cocky joking around tone. She did ramp it up a little with the weird mockery but I handled it well. After all this she said “well I better pack a box for moving”. After she said it she stood watching me for a second looking for a reaction. She didn’t get one. I have been doing a phenomenal job of PMA and was really conversing and joking with MIL positively.
Later I was reading in bed. She came in and started complaining about work and her friend who just got the flu. I validated and stopped reading to actively listen. “That sounds so frustrating” and so on. She then started talking about what furniture she wanted to take. We got on the topic of the baby high chair which I bought. We already discussed that I was keeping it but she tried coercing me into letting her take it. I said no and held my ground. She then laid down very close to me and started asking questions.
W: So are you ready to start living the single life. Me: yeah I guess so. W: what are you going to do? Me: I’m not sure yet. W: have you picked up any girls lately? Me: No W: you are probably gonna have so many hoes Me: (just shrugged nonchalantly).
*a bit later*
W: You are gonna wear your ring forever Me: You aren’t going to wear yours, why would I wear mine?
She really seemed like she wanted to say more but ended up saying “what else?” I replied “nothing”. She lay there quietly and then asked me to massage her neck. I replied “sure if you will rub my hip which is sore from my hockey game yesterday”. She said okay. So I massaged her neck for a few minutes, she hasn’t asked for touch besides cuddling for a few weeks. Maybe a temp check but she agreed to do something for me in return so why not.
She acted very strange around R talk like she really had more to say or was maybe hoping that I would continue the R talk but I did not. Time for her to realize I’m not gonna sit here sad waiting for her to choose me as plan B. She seemed very insecure or uncertain or something. Just wanted to document this strange day. Thanks
Hey guys, I know I’ve been posting a lot the last few days but forgot somethings I want to journal and also need to vent.
Starting with journaling: I forgot to mention that during R talk last night, W at one point when discussing wearing rings said “this isn’t all about you”. Should have validated but was caught off guard and didn’t really reply.
After R talk W initiated the most intimate cuddle we have had in months. Very close, wrapped tightly around me not wanting to let go. May have been pursuit after R talk where I made it clear I wasn’t gonna wait around for her.
So this morning we were getting ready for work, W was running late so asked me to put our S in his walker chair in the kitchen so i could get his lunch ready while she went to the bathroom to finish getting ready. S grabbed an open can while I wasn’t looking and I quickly grabbed it back from him hoping he wouldn’t cut his hand.
W walked in later and started nitpicking and criticizing the way I had washed the baby bottles. She even complained that I was shaking the bottles the wrong way. Looking for everything and anything she could criticize me about. To this complaint I responded calmly “thanks for the advice but my way works just fine too.” She then left for work. She texted me later a picture of a tiny cut on our sons hand. I replied “oh no he must have gotten that from holding the open can.” She replied “cuz you grabbed it out of his hand” implying blame. I had had enough of the criticism for the day and replied, “ I am tired of your criticism and blame. Yes I took the can from him because it isn’t safe for him to be holding that”.
Venting: I haven’t mentioned it in my sitch much but W is highly critical and controlling. She wants everything done her way and if i do something a different way from her she lays on the criticism and blame. Things as insignificant as how to shake a bottle. Around BD the criticisms were constant. They have decreased with DBing I think. She used to love my humor but around BD started to criticize that too.
I have always been emotionally strong and stable while she is not. She is very quick to lose her temper and lash out. I thought this was part of the reason we were a good match: I could easily deal with her bad attitude without getting upset myself. But after years of blame and her being critical I am running out of patience.
She was extremely spoiled by her single mother growing up. Even to this day she bosses her mom around and is very rude to her at times. She didn’t have a father figure in the picture. I wonder if her upbringing led to her attitude now.
While I have always been able to deal with her short fuse, criticism and temper, I am starting to be fed up. When I say deal with I don’t mean I would let her push me around. If it got to a certain point I would always shut it down but I was able to shrug off a lot of the criticism like it didn’t even phase me. This morning I was at a point where I was thinking “F this. Why do I want an R with someone who feels the need to criticize me over the smallest things that hold no real importance. Big moment for me today realizes that I don’t know if I want to R unless my W can really tone down the criticism and show me that she can change as well.
. I said no and held my ground. She then laid down very close to me and started asking questions.
W: So are you ready to start living the single life. Me: yeah I guess so. W: what are you going to do? Me: I’m not sure yet. W: have you picked up any girls lately? Me: No W: you are probably gonna have so many hoes Me: (just shrugged nonchalantly).
*a bit later*
W: You are gonna wear your ring forever Me: You aren’t going to wear yours, why would I wear mine?
She really seemed like she wanted to say more but ended up saying “what else?” I replied “nothing”. She lay there quietly and then asked me to massage her neck. I replied “sure if you will rub my hip which is sore from my hockey game yesterday”. She said okay. So I massaged her neck for a few minutes, she hasn’t asked for touch besides cuddling for a few weeks. Maybe a temp check but she agreed to do something for me in return
You did everything perfect.
You held your ground. She was attracted to you. Your convo was not needy. She asked for something, you asked for her to do something in return before agreeing. This gains her respect and is attractive.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
