Midlife wife crisis6

[AnotherStander]

Good job on cutting the convo short Wolf! Try to make that a habit. Very well done all around, you handled it all great!

[SoTorn]

Yes, great job on keeping the conversation short. My WW has to buy me out as well. The bank won't start it without the final decree. She will also owe me a hefty amount of child support as well. I can tell this is stressing her out badly. Oh well. She is getting exactly what she wanted.

[LH19]

W,

I'm going to challenge you a little bit. Tell me how you're a changed man. How are you different now then you were a year ago?

[IHCLACS]

Who here likes the movie RoadHouse? Take a tip from Patrick Swayze... "If the W gets in your face....BE NICE"....If she calls you names?... BE NICE... If she accuses you of something you know you didnt, or should not do? BE NICE...If she serves you divorce papers... BE NICE!!! If she attempts to manipulate you, make you feel guilty?.. Be NICE... If she is sleeping with OM?... BE NICE!!!

"Well how will you know when its time not to be nice?..."

YOU WON'T...DivorceBusters will let you...lol

^^^^ That's my idea of self respect alpha male detachment for today :-D

[Wolfman]

AS thank you for the vote of confidence. I really try to remember everything you guys say while I am in these situations. I am trying to DB every moment I have. You know it’s funny after school I had my kids today and we had a great time together. My d and I get along when my w is not around. My d tries so hard to show my w she is on her side. When my w is not around we laugh and have a good time. I’m not as rigid as my w is.

SoTorn my w is getting stressed out with all of this. She is lucky though, her dad is giving her the money to buy me out and it’s a hefty chunk. It must be nice to have wealthy parents. That is something her parents have always done, throw money at the problem because he has it. Completely off topic, my w’s brother is 37 lives at home has no job, no friends and no girlfriend. He just sits at home plays video games and watches tv. He doesn’t help the father who is 74, the father mows the lawn. The reason I digress is to show how her parents have always bailed them out. They never had to struggle or have consequences. That is exactly my w. They have her money for the lawyer, money to buy me out. So yeah it makes it easy to run from problems and not deal with them. Her paerents are enablers.

LH I love a good challenge, challenge accepted. I don’t argue with her anymore, the validating has helped a lot. I do t get all worked up when she goes on the attack, I stay calm and under control. When she speaks to me I am fully engaged, the past I would have the tv on. I have gotten rid of being spiteful. I try to keep better track of all the kids activities. Man I never realized how much my cell phone could have helped me with that in he past. I keep the cursing to an absolute minimum. Did I pass the test LH?? Lol

IH I remember that scene. That was a funny scene. That is part of my new motto. Just be nice. It’s funny my friends and family keep telling me why am I so nice to her with the hell she is putting our family through. I just respond I can’t change her. But being nice is showing I am under control and she doesn’t affect me like she use to. “Be nice” works because I don’t fuel her fire. She has even made comments about that too. She has said things in the past, “what your not going to yell?” “Oh now you are Mr. Zen” that’s my favorite. “You are not going to run out?” Just to name a few.

[Wolfman]

Journaling: In the last 9 months of separation I have learned a lot about myself, relationships and my w. I have learned how much I truly love my kids and how every moment spent with them is gold. How I took the little things for granted and how I want to be a part of every second of their life!!! I understand that this is truly difficult for them and trying my best to love them and be there for them.

As far as relationships the biggest lesson I think I learned is when you love someone, don’t stop “loving” them. Keep it fresh, exciting, mix up once and a while. I think I got too complacent and just fell into the same old monotonous routine. I know life happens with work, kids, bills and a home to keep up with. But sometimes once in a while we need to change it up with our partner. And for now on I will “really” listen to what my partner is saying.

Lastly, I know on here the theme is to take care of yourself and only worry about yourself and if you have kids them too. Well that was my w’s theme all along to just take care of herself. She tried for a while to put a show on about how she cared about the family when deep down she was only worried about herself. Well that selfishness has finally come out and I am seeing what I think I was blind too for a long time. She is not divorcing me she is divorcing the family. She has been saying for a long time when will she just have time for herself? Granted we all want that once and a while. She just wants it all the time. I see how little by little she keeps pushing the kids on me. How she doesn’t want to have any responsibility anymore. She gets excited the days when I have the kids because she can go and whatever she wants. Where the days I don’t have my kids I am depressed because I miss them. She has shown me this is someone I really don’t not know I want to be married to anymore. I always thought of family as being together and loving one another when times are good and even more so when times are bad. Thanks for reading.
Does anyone feel like that in their situation? That your spouse didn’t really want to d you but the family?

[lost8]

Oh for sure. Whether it's a MLC or A or whatever...they want no responsibility at all except to run wild and only worry about themselves. I have always found it strange that someone could make such an extreme change and have no care for their family at all. I have many friends that have been married just as long or longer than me and sure they fight, etc but have never experienced a sitch where someone's whole being has been hijacked and has become a stranger.

A year ago my W wanted nothing to do with either of my kids, paid for nothing for them, couldn't be accountable for anything for them, was late to S13s birthday at our home even though she lived there.

I just think some peoples chemistry is made up way differently than many others and why we see these very common sitches. I say common but still in the minority so it is not a rite of passage to act like this. At what point does that chemistry just take over? I still scratch my head over this.

[AnotherStander]

Completely off topic, my w’s brother is 37 lives at home has no job, no friends and no girlfriend. He just sits at home plays video games and watches tv. He doesn’t help the father who is 74, the father mows the lawn. The reason I digress is to show how her parents have always bailed them out. They never had to struggle or have consequences. That is exactly my w. They have her money for the lawyer, money to buy me out. So yeah it makes it easy to run from problems and not deal with them. Her parents are enablers.

Sounds pretty on-topic to me. Yes they are enablers. They are of course just trying to help their kids, but all they're doing is enabling irresponsible behavior. It's a classic problem today- the parents work hard their whole lives and accumulate some wealth, and they want to make their kids' lives easier by sharing that wealth with them but then the kids become lazy and entitled, thinking they DESERVE that money, that it is THEIRS. I've seen it happen so often over the years and it is just breeding irresponsibility. People don't want to work for anything these days. Their job, their belongings, their marriages. They just want the world on a silver platter and if it doesn't go exactly how they want then they pout and fold their arms and give up.

[Wolfman]

Hey everyone. Its been a couple of days and things have been relatively calm. The only thing that is worth talking about is my son’s birthday party on Friday. At the end of the party it was time for us to pay. We both went to the counter to pay the bill after the manager went over everything she looked at me to pay the bill. I said you can pay this one. So of course she was aggravated. She said I don’t understand why I am paying. I nicely said to her I paid for our taxes to get done and gymnastics for both kids and you owed me half. So by you paying this we are even. I said this cover what you owe me. She just huffed and puffed. Then after that she gave me an attitude but I didn’t let that bother me. This is her new reality. She never really understood how expensive things were because I took care of all the bills. She is starting g to learn.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is something I read on one of Sandi’s old posts. I have been reading a lot on here I guess trying to make sense of everything. There was a post that she went into great detail about and it was called : 10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully.
I read that and man I think all 10 hit my wife’s personality. The upsetting part is she talks about what it does to us emotionally and that hit me too each and everyone. She has really torn me down but I am building myself back up one piece at a time. Definitely getting more looks from women since I have been going to the gym. Being upbeat more around people. I especially make sure it is with our mutual friends. This way they can tell her if they do. I never realized it but Sandi also talks about them being a narcissist, I believe now besides a MLC she is a narcissist. It was never enough she always wanted more and more. I took on a second job to give her more. What happened it still
Wasn’t enough and then she complained I had a second job. Makes me wonder why am I so hurt by this? Why would
I want to go back with someone who is never happy? I guess in time I will have to figure this out.

[SteveLW]

This is her new reality. She never really understood how expensive things were because I took care of all the bills. She is starting g to learn.

Yes, this is very true. I remember when my W, a WW at the time, started asking me how much the car (her's) was. And insurance. And registration. And also energy bills. Etc. It was eye-opening to her. When she realized she'd have:

- Rent
- Car and expenses
- Utilities
- Half of all D's expenses

She started doing the math and it didn't leave someone, that has been out of the workforce for 15 years, a lot of extraneous money to fund her new single lifestyle. All of these little reality checks help to wake her up.