Settling In (LB55 Thread 3)

[LB55]

Yeah its Friday, it might just be congested. :-) Seriously though, this isn't about me not wanting to get the kids early or anything, so please nobody take it that way. Its also not about punishing her, I am not going to just cave to make things easier for her though.

I take a lot of stuff personally, it is something I am working on with everyone in my life, not just W.

I am having a tough time with forgiveness for W, I am a pretty forgiving person, but man this is a tough one. The whole situation, the lies, the attempts to remove me from the kids lives, the selfish behavior, the lack of personal responsibility for her own choices, etc. Just burns me up. If she just said she was leaving and genuinely wanted to get this over with, I wouldn't really be that hurt and would be quite cooperative. Its the deceit, back-stabbing, and dis-information that really irks me.

The smirk on her face every time I see her...I feel like she is having fun with this game; I want her to feel my pain but I know that isn't possible.

Oh and I just thought about this...she said she is putting together a nice fathers day gift for me with the kids to 'honor' me for giving her the best part of her life. What does that even mean? She told me this like a month ago, and i think it was a passive aggressive way to guilt me into getting her something for mothers day. I get that the kids are important to both of us, but I don't want to be honored by someone that so blatently disrespected the entire family with her choices. I certainly didn't do anything gift wise on mothers day for her. A simple text wishing her a nice day with the kids was all I did.

[AnotherStander]

I didn't reply to all of her texts. I replied twice with the same answer and then stopped replying.

I felt the same way, she is just trying to get me agitated because she knows that if she can push my buttons she is still in control. Unfortunately she can push my buttons, but I am getting WAY better at not showing her that she has pushed my buttons. This is key in my opinion.

Perfect! You're doing great LB, keep it up!

[Ready2Change]

Seriously though, this isn't about me not wanting to get the kids early or anything, so please nobody take it that way.

My understanding is you are venting your frustrations here to us that relate. I also understand that you would like the"Digs" to stop, or at least not affect you.

I am having a tough time with forgiveness for W,

One of the hardest things we do. It is also one of the most rewarding. "radical forgiveness" was a great read. "This has nothing to do with me". I say these words to myself all the time. Some guy flips me off in traffic...should I forgive him or let his negitive energy affect my attitude? Same with the X.

The whole situation, the lies, the attempts to remove me from the kids lives, the selfish behavior, the lack of personal responsibility for her own choices, etc. Just burns me up.

Of course. Your eyes are wide open to who she really is. You have learned. You are more mature now.

The smirk on her face every time I see her...I feel like she is having fun with this game;

Who knows. Who cares. You also have the choice to make it fun or not. You have the choice to pull the rope or not. Once you let go of the rope, she can pull on it as much as she wants, but it is not fun for her if you don't pull back.

[LB55]

My understanding is you are venting your frustrations here to us that relate. I also understand that you would like the"Digs" to stop, or at least not affect you.

Yes R2C I am just venting, since I didn't make it clear.

I haven't seen any 'digs', not worried on that front. I respect the folks here, we've all been through this in our own way, and I appreciate everyone's experiences and advice. If I need to hear that I am F'ing something up, I trust that some of you will let me know so that I can fix myself or my mindset.

Was just trying to make myself clear, likely moreso for myself than for anyone else. I've read a lot on here, and saw some people that were just doing things to be mean, and I wanted to convey that this isn't about me punishing her but rather just not making it easier for her plan her fantasy life.

[LB55]

The smirk on her face every time I see her...I feel like she is having fun with this game;

Who knows. Who cares. You also have the choice to make it fun or not. You have the choice to pull the rope or not. Once you let go of the rope, she can pull on it as much as she wants, but it is not fun for her if you don't pull back.

This is a really good way to put it.

I'm not pulling on the rope anymore, but I'm not sure I've completely dropped it either. She can still yank me around, so I guess proverbially I haven't let go yet. I am at least able to see her yanking now, and minimize my reaction to it.

You are right, for all I know she doesn't even have plans tonight and is just trying to get a rise out of me or make me feel bad all weekend wondering what she is up to. Kids and I are going to put together the dining room table I bought, and then we are going to eat and play games on it.

[SoloFlex]

Just out of curiosity.... when does this ugly behavior start? Immediately after the BD?

I'm on guard for it, and I see reading everyone's post and they all reference it....... when did it start for you LB?
Sounds to me like you're doing really good and staying strong in a really demanding sitch.

-SoloFlex

[LB55]

Just out of curiosity.... when does this ugly behavior start? Immediately after the BD?

I'm on guard for it, and I see reading everyone's post and they all reference it....... when did it start for you LB?
Sounds to me like you're doing really good and staying strong in a really demanding sitch.

-SoloFlex

Thanks for the encouragement, I am doing the best I can, whether I am personally good, that might be debatable some days anyway. :-)

I can't say for sure when it starts. I was gone with the military, when I got home, everything was my fault, I couldn't do anything right, our history was completely twisted around, and she filed for D. I was given papers by a courier in a gas station parking lot when I got off the airport shuttle where she was supposed to pick me up. Complete with restraining order, 3 days before Christmas. I didn't get much warning, lets say that.

As for nasty behavior now, 5 months later, it is pretty much a guarantee when she doesn't get her way. When I don't agree to her demands, or when I am not able to help her by leaving work early, or when I sit in the stands at little league looking 'mean' and my son strikes out; all my fault and its not really determinable what strikes the mood sometimes.

Nothing is rational, the reason she has no money is because I don't pay her enough, not because she spends a lot, refurnished the whole house, hired a bunch of work done, bought all new clothes, etc. Me having a job that requires me to stay until the end of the day is not convenient for her when she makes plans and im supposed to pick up the kids after work but she makes plans that start before the end of work.

Its a no-win situation until the WW takes some responsibility in the situation in my opinion. Im not there in my situation, we are stuck at 'everything is my fault because I did all of this to her' stage.

[Ready2Change]

Kids and I are going to put together the dining room table I bought, and then we are going to eat and play games on it.

Sounds like a great plan.

Enjoy your weekend.

[Ready2Change]

Just out of curiosity.... when does this ugly behavior start? Immediately after the BD?

When they have OM.

[LB55]

Kids are reading after a busy weekend before they have to go back to W. I’ve been reading too. Validation and non-defensive listening. I know I’m not good at validation nor empathy, but I’m hoping if I read about it enough and try to execute it on other people I might get better at it.

I feel like a validation expert after an hour of reading but I’m sure that I have a long ways to go. Makes me want to strike up a conversation tonight with W when I drop them off. It’s probably not a good idea, so I’m posting here instead.

Just something simple; like how was your week? Then just listen and not offer solutions, repeat back what she said to show I’m listening, eye contact(this is a tough one for me, I always look away quickly with anyone), and stay neutral, even if she is blaming and accusing. I don’t have to agree to validate.

These are scary thoughts. Why do I want to talk with this woman? She doesn’t want me. I’m still in fixit mode I think. Stupid nice guy stuff. I can’t fix her, but I sure do want to fix this marriage on this particular Sunday afternoon. I miss my daily family life so much.