Yeah, DBing is tough. Fake it till you make it is causing me to just stuff all this s*** down and I've had it.
Now I'm wanting a separation, especially since I think she's at least involved in an EA again.
I'm done in this toxic, fake, pretend, let's all just be nice but you want a divorce environment. I've been doing this for over 18 months and we've only moved away from MR. Counseling is over. I look like an a** just sitting here waiting for her to make her mind up.
I need some change, some space - to give her the f********** reality that she's asking for. I can't make you love me back. I'm not going to beg you to see our family through this. If you really want a D, then let's get on with it.
I'm spewing out frustration today - tired of watching the cake eating "until I can get full time work" BULL****.
I'm willing to do nesting at this point so the kids can stay home but she gets a taste of what is real. I'm really tired.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
This is shifting gears a bit but wondered what your take was if I discover there is another A. I know it doesn't change anything (although it kills my desire to pursue her anymore).
It sounds like it would be best for you to assume that she is. You shouldn't be pursuing her. That's not DB'ing. So just assume she's cheating, and let that desire to pursue go. If she is, it won't come as such a shock, and if you find out later she isn't, that's a pleasant surprise. Much better than assuming she's not having an affair and finding out she is. Detachment is the key. GAL helps with detachment. Stop worrying about what she does or says. Focus on being the best you can be. Pretend your single and act like you would if you were trying to attract women. I'm not saying you should start dating, but it will help in attracting your wife back. All the pursuit makes you look pathetic and desperate. And I guarantee you she can see it. Drop the rope, man...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Yeah, I guess I'm just tired. Tired of sleeping in the same bed without even being looked at for 18 months.
Tired of this charade.
I'd be ok now if she wanted to move out and get a place to stay separately. I just feel completely taken for granted.
I'm gonna kill something at the gym today.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I reached out to a good friend of mine recently. He went through a D in 2011, with 3 small kids, similar to both of us. His wife had a PA, then BD'ed him. He didn't want D, but didn't stop his exWW. The process took 2 years, and he struggled a lot, but today he is happier and more fulfilled than ever in his life. He has 50/50 custody, he has an amazing girlfriend, and has such a balanced perspective on life. Summary of some his advice (it sounds very DB, even though he is not familiar with it):
- Breathe. This is a marathon. No need to sprint. - Don't react on emotion. If you feel intense emotion, do NOTHING. Acting on emotion, no matter how justified you feel, will only worsen your sitch. - Stop mind-reading. Focus on yourself. - You WILL come out of this happier. It is a fact. - Avoid confrontation. It will not help in any way. - Keep a journal, go for a walk. Experiment until you find a daily routine that works to keep you sane.
I should also say, his exWW ended up trying to recon when spousal support ran out. He didn't even need to think about it, he was so far removed and so much happier. Water off a duck's back.
I'm traveling for work next week. I'm going to miss the h*** out of my kids. But I'm also super excited to have some space, read some books on the plane, and work on myself. It is REALLY hard to detach and obtain some distance with 3 little kids - you are constantly around your W, constantly reminded of what's going on, constantly at home. Try to carve out your own space, do something for yourself, just get away from your sitch.
W took another shot at me this morning. Please help me identify why this rubs me the wrong way.
But as I was walking out, my W says, "like the kind of note you used to write to me."
WTF??????
My take: she’s justifying to herself why she’s leaving. Don’t take the bait. It’s not about you. She’s not seeking a reaction. She’s angry and justifying to herself her decisions.
My W got angry recently because I stayed home to watch my sick D5. At first I thought “oh she’s recognizing change” but really she’s mad that I’m changing. She doesn’t want to feel guilty. She wants no doubt. She’s not happy about my changes, it doesn’t fit her narrative.
Yeah, I guess I'm just tired. Tired of sleeping in the same bed without even being looked at for 18 months.
Tired of this charade.
I'd be ok now if she wanted to move out and get a place to stay separately. I just feel completely taken for granted.
I'm gonna kill something at the gym today.
Yeah that is a long time to be stuck in limbo. Separation actually makes it easier to stand in my opinion, because you can go about your life and leave her to whatever mess she wants to make of hers. Do you work in Dallas? I work right across from Northpark Mall.
Stander. We're not too far. We live up in Grapevine. I work in Dallas downtown.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
