Another quick interaction: W stopped by to grab some things she forgot. She came in and started talking about her day and the stuff she did. She seemed eager to talk with me. I validated when I could and we even joked a little. She asked if I was sad to be all alone in the house. I replied “I’m unhappy you left but I’ll be fine” didn’t try to seem too cocky or sad but just in the middle as per Sandi’s advice. She clicked my phone and said “are you talking to any girls.” I replied “no I’m not talking to other girls”. She then replied “just banging them huh”. I replied that no I wasn’t.
Man that is so rude. Just banging them, wow. I would not dignify that with a response. Next time she says something like this just say "I don't feel comfortable discussing my personal life with you." That'll make her head spin!
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I closed the door and started walking back to the house. I noticed my W had left her car door open and was sitting kind of halfway out, which was strange. So I approached her and she asked again if I was sad.
Next time just keep walking my man. Quit lapping up those bread crumbs she's tossing you.
This is why you should be pleased, upbeat, and friendly. They expect you to be sad. When you are not that intrigues them and they want to know why. Mystery is good. Mystery breeds interest. Interest leads to attraction.
Keep up the good work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
AS: "Man that is so rude. Just banging them, wow. I would not dignify that with a response. Next time she says something like this just say "I don't feel comfortable discussing my personal life with you." That'll make her head spin!
AS is right here. I've noticed is that the new dynamics in these situations where an SO has pulled away. I've seen this before in many breakups in prior relationships, as well as with my WAW . I'm willing to bet if you ask the W anything personal that's exactly how they will respond to you with ambiguity. Respond to them back this way not only will she understand it but yes it will make their head spin. Never entertain or justify explaining crazy delusional thoughts from another person that wants to have nothing to do with you. Your time, and your well being is much more important.
As a matter of fact make sure you rehearse and incorporate this statement into all of your personal responses to personal questions. Let them understand what guarded abiguity feels like. They understand this very well.
Yes I guess my dad was like that as well. No BS, and would be pretty firm with my mom sometimes.
Sometimes a H has to speak firmly in order for the W to see he is seriously not going to put up with her b.s., bullying, manipulation, temper tantrums, bossiness, etc. He should not yell or shout to get her attention. He should look straight into her eyes and firmly tell her he's not going to tolerate that kind of behavior. And.....if she tests him to see what he'll do, then he needs to have a pre-plan how he'll respond. FWIW, ignoring this type of female behavior doesn't work. I'm not suggesting you do anything that even slightly hints of DV. I think it is harder for a man when he has allowed his W to display bad behavior for years, and then he tries to stop it. By then, she disrespects him so much, it's difficult for a man with NGS to convince a strong willed female that he isn't going to put up with her.
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Yeah I have no trouble standing up to my W and while we joke around a lot, if it ever gets into disrespectful territory I have no problem shutting it down.
Then that's a plus for you! I think you need to include the times she is criticizes you. It's voicing her disrespect.
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About her WWness, yeah I guess we will wait and see. She is a total homebody. Over the past month and a few weeks since BD I expected her to start going out a lot more with friends. She went out once and that was it. So I imagine if she were to become more WW a sign of that would be her going out way more often. Now that we are S, I’m not sure how I would even know if she is going out more or if there was OM and don’t think it will any good to snoop so I may never know.
FWIW, I never went out. All WW's are not GGW. All WW's don't go bar hopping. Those are some common overt signs of rebellion, but the waywardness began in her heart. The resentment, disrespect, selfishness, etc. continued to breed other negative feelings until she completely rebels against her H, and against her M vows.
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Okay understood still no pursuit wether she is WW or not. Our interactions have been really positive the last few weeks. We have laughed a lot and not argued much. I have been good at PMA around her and she also has opened up a lot towards me. No asking her on dates as that is pursuit.
Good deal.
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My question would be, what if she asks me to come over or to go do something together? I feel that she will.
I would not usually in favor of it. However, if she's not dating, and there is no OM already in the picture, then you can accept one invitation......provided she continues to respond favorably to you. If she's still criticizing, then no. I recommend you have so many GAL activities planned that you can't accept every invitation she offers.
If she isn't dating, then I think she'll get bored quickly, unless her new BFF keeps her busy. Anyway, when she's feeling bored is when she'll turn to you to talk on the phone......maybe invite you over. I strongly advise against you sleeping overnight at her place. I don't think she should stay at your place, either. She could have backed out of leaving, and she didn't. Therefore, she'll have to see that she can't play house whenever she's in the mood, or lonely for affection.
Now as long as you see progression, you can occasionally accept invitations, however, if she doesn't bring up the subject of working on the issues in the MR.....and you feel she is stringing you along......then you may have to ask her what it is she wants. If she's always wanting you & her to take the baby on some family outing........I have a cure you can use to get a clue where she is with you. Ask her out without the baby. Just the two of you go somewhere. Don't refer to it as a "date". If she doesn't want to go without the baby, then she doesn't want to be alone with you.......and that's your signal to pull back hard. No more accepting invitations and running over there to see the baby. The ball will be in her park.
As I said previously, all this affection and pursuit from her may be just her securing you as Plan B. Ordinarily, that would be my view of it. I think you just need to remain cool & calm, to see how she plays this hand.
If she were to go back home, would her mother be able to afford to live in that apartment alone? Could you & W help her financially? I just wondered why her mother was living with the two of you, unless she is disable or something. If you & W do get back together, her mother really needs to stay somewhere else. It's not a subject you could approach until you know of W's intentions, b/c that topic is highly sensitive. Maybe with just the two of them living together, your W will come to that same conclusion. Maybe mom could find a roommate.
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Got home later thinking I would be pretty sad in the empty house, but I actually felt indifferent. My new roommate/best friend came over and we talked about possible furniture arrangements and stuff. Had a good time. Got hockey tonight, gonna stay busy and stay the course. I guess detaching is going well. Still room for improvement though. More later thanks!
That's great. You'll have your moments, but you'll be okay. That's what former members say when they drop back in to send a message to newcomers.
Considering how she has been so lovey-dovey the past few days, it's no wonder you feel hopeful. It's important that you try to post every day, to get the perspectives of others.
Just remember that she's the one who has to pursue you, and not the other way around. She's the one that left. Keep your guard up until you know if she's playing around or not. Don't accept her invitation too quickly, and don't accept every time. If you discover she's seeing someone else, then pull back hard. If another guy shows up immediately after her move out.......then you'll know you were fired and have been replaced.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She clicked my phone and said “are you talking to any girls.” I replied “no I’m not talking to other girls”. She then replied “just banging them huh”. I replied that no I wasn’t.
Let's be clear about something. She doesn't have the right to pick up your phone and investigate your activity, if she's not willing to be just as transparent with her phone. You have not cheated or acted inappropriate with women, have you? If not, then you have nothing to prove.
People have different opinions about the rules of separation. Usually, there are no rules, b/c the one that left is going to do whatever they want. If the H & W can come to an agreement, and honor those terms.....that's fine. Otherwise, the one that moved out while the LBS wanted to work on their M, needs to realize they have put their spouse on the open market. She left you! She's the one who wanted out. She has no right to make nasty comments about you and women, dating, or whatever. That's your private business. She's the one who let you go. So, how did you handle that little interaction?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree. She left you. She has no control over what you do. Its your choice to be the only one holding onto your vows or your choice to move on. They want to do whatever they want, but they want to be on control of you as well.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Wow tons of replay, thanks everyone I appreciate your time. I’ll try to get respond to all.
Originally Posted by LH19
H,
Wow you love being plan B don't you. She's got you eating out of the palm of her hand.
W: Are you talking to any girls H: I have some numbers lol
Why are you playing family while she's out sleeping with other men?
If you do not make it clear that she may lose you then you are going to be in for a long painful limbo my friend.
Thanks, LH I don’t have any intention of being plan B. I am going to start dating, not with the intention of a relationship yet but just for fun. While I have gotten a couple girls numbers the past week, I haven’t started talking to them so I didn’t want to lie. Yeah understood about playing family, need to put an end to that.
Anotherstander thanks, I did t really view her “banging girls” comment as rude. She didn’t say it in a rude tone. I think that was more her voicing insecurity/jealousy as sandi mentioned a bit ago. I kinda view banging girls as a positive haha. But yes I should be more vague about what I am doing. About walking back to the house. You are right, I should have kept walking as if I could care less. Thanks
Hey IHC thanks, I do need to work on my responses. I have been truthful but probably way too open. I need to practice responses that are vague because it is no longer her business what I do. On that note, I noticed she had checked my Ring front door camera from her phone almost like she was spying. I removed her from the account and changed the password today.
Hey sandi thanks again for your input. Yes I will start included her criticisms of me, it’s just been over a week since she had one so things are okay there. Okay no sleepovers got it. Yes she has been texting a lot the past day, even texted me late last night after my hockey game, kept it brief. So I think I will take your advice and after our swim class in a couple days I will say “let’s drop off the baby with your mom and go get some food”. If she declines I will pull way back. No more swim class family time, I will go alone with my S, I may stop responding to her texts unless they are emergency’s etc. So my MIL moved in with us because we were having there baby, needed a bigger home and at the time I was unable to afford it. I now have a much higher paying job and can afford many different options. I agree if we do R I will make sure MIL doesn’t join us, she can afford their current apt on her own I think. About the phone, I changed the passcode so she can’t even get in it if she wanted, she just like click led the screen on, but you are right I should have been firmer about her not even touching it.
I intend to start dating, not looking for a GF but just for fun. My W made it clear that there weren’t separation rules on dating so fine by me I will have some fun. I know a lot of people probably disagree with this but until she expresses wanting to work on the R or not see other people, I will try to enjoy myself.
Thanks though everyone, I realize I need to be way less open when she questions me on my private life now, I will work on that.
I hear you Halzy. It's easy for me to give that kind of advice but yet follow it myself, because my personality and responses are an open book and I typically don't think them through before saying things sometimes. I'm getting better and selective at what I say with ambiguity and reveal. Early on in my sich, mybw wanted to set the agreements of Separation so that we wouldn't date anyone. I saw this as controlling. I said to her that you are the one that's walking away you don't get to make the terms of engagement or the rules any longer. So we both agreed that as long as it doesn't involve our son whatever we do is our personal business. I haven't dated but I will admit I'm very tempted to, just for explicitly the social aspect of it, since I can't always keep going out alone and my friends are typically busy. I would like to join more personal interest groups but time doesn't permit me to do so because of work and travel and custody schedule with son. But yeah if you want to have some fun go out there and do it man, even if only for a confidence boost. Just don't cross any ethical boundaries, if you do and you get caught that can be used against you in court depending on your state and whether it's a no-fault divorce state or not.
Oh okay so I should wait before using that method? How long do you think? I am curious how she would react.
So yesterday there was minimal contact between my W and I. I got a text from her at 11pm. “Miss you”. I was busy GAL having beers with some girls and guys, so I didn’t reply. Like 20 minutes later she sent another text. “Rude bye” I guess in response to me not responding instantly lol.
