Midlife wife crisis6

[Wolfman]

SoTorn, I am sure you DB the heck out of it. And yet you still ended up d. I know this program is about making ourselves a better person but I also don’t want to be divorced. I know it’s out of my control but it’s not what I want. I know it’s not what anyone wants on here, that’s why we are here. I just wish I read more success stories on here how it worked. I definitely need more patience. It’s just that things are moving along with the d. I am trying real hard to GAL, detaching, and 180. At least on the surface it looks like it has no effect. She is still in full MLC, going bar hopping, only talks about herself, buying new clothes all the time, dressing much younger. Sometimes I have to laugh, she talks about how hard it is with the kids, (I validate when she talks) how much money she has to spend on everything (again I validate). At one point she got off Facebook for a little while because she said she hated everyone. Basically meaning how her life was terrible and everyone else had a great life. Again I validate. It’s just funny and puzzling to me how she sees the struggle but doesn’t see she has created all of this. That in her warped mind she thought d was suppose to solve all her problems.

[Ready2Change]

I just feel like with my w I need to pursue, I won’t by the advice on here. It’s so hard to imagine attracting someone without pursuing.

Have you read "the art of seduction?" Lots of great counter-intuitive ways to attract without pursuing.



Imagine you see the most stunning woman ever. You walk up and start talking to her. She attracted you without pursuing you.

Understand what woman are attracted to. Project that. To every woman you interact with.

What are your plans for the weekend?

[LH19]

W,

I have news for you. If your W is infull MLC it will be 2-5 years for her to come out of it.

[AnotherStander]

It’s so hard to imagine attracting someone without pursuing. When I think how I won my w back in college I had to pursue. She is old fashioned where she doesn’t believe in women making the moves. One of the problems with our love life. I always had to make the moves. She never did!!! So I feel like giving her space is only creating more space.

Yes, this is exactly the logic most LBS's use to validate their need and desire to pursue. Here's the problem with this thinking- when you were in college your W was attracted to you. Your pursuit was flattering, sexy, desirable. It turned her on, it's all part of the human mating ritual. You weren't pursuing to make yourself attractive, she already found you attractive. You were pursuing to establish a LTR with her, one that she too was interested in. But now- no, nope, no sir. She is NOT AT ALL interested in you. Have you ever been pursued by someone you can't stand? It's repulsive. It makes you dislike them even more. You find them weak, pathetic, needy. THIS is how she sees you when you pursue. It is NOT attractive to her right now. What is attractive? Sorry to say but it's anyone but you. With lots of time and lots of space she may find you attractive again in the future.

I know she is hurting I just can’t tell if it’s because our marriage is ending or if she is having second thoughts, but her damn pride would never let her admit she made a mistake.

She's hurting because this is difficult for her. She isn't just turning your life upside down, she's turning her own life upside down too. But that should tell you just how bad she wants out of the M- she's willing to put herself through all this pain just to get away from you. She's worried, she's scared of the unknown, and she's upset that she's hurting those she loves. But don't let that confuse you, she is still "full steam ahead."

SoTorn, I am sure you DB the heck out of it. And yet you still ended up d. I know this program is about making ourselves a better person but I also don’t want to be divorced. I know it’s out of my control but it’s not what I want. I know it’s not what anyone wants on here, that’s why we are here.

All of us come here desperate to save our M's. We DB to save our M's, but somewhere along the way we save ourselves. And after that happens, some of us realize we deserve way the hell better than a cheating, lying, unloving wife. So while a lot of us come here to save our M's, we end up deciding that D is better after all. That is EXACTLY what happened to me, I am the one that pushed the D through. So you think ST and I are not success stories? I am so much happier and healthier than I was. I have a girlfriend that I have so many more common interests with, it really makes me realize how much I was missing out on due to a lack of common interests with XW. My GF texts me a laundry list of naughty things she wants to do next time she sees me. 4 years on and the electricity hasn't diminished. Meanwhile there have been people here who reconciled and struggled almost daily with whether they should have or not. They have trust issues, they have intimacy issues. Life is not black and white and this is not a simple matter of recon = success and no recon = failure.

It’s just that things are moving along with the d.

Your W is already D'd in her mind. The rest is just a formality. You need to let go of trying to save your M, it's already on a cold slab with a toe tag. Set your sights on the future, make yourself the most awesome Wolfman you can be and then maybe down the road you'll be working on a new R with her.

I am trying real hard to GAL, detaching, and 180. At least on the surface it looks like it has no effect.

As long as you GAL to get her attention it will not help you drop the rope and it will not attract her back. Change your focus!

[Wolfman]

R2C thank you for the book suggestion. I will definitely buy it. I look forward to reading it and using the techniques. I have to make plans for Saturday. Sunday I play baseball in a men’s league I have a game in the morning then doing an open house for real estate in the afternoon.

LH I read that too. I was hoping it wasn’t true. Part of my denial kicking in. I have to come with the realization I will be divorced. I need to work on myself and drop the rope!!

AS thank you for the 2x4s. I need to be hit with the truth. I don’t know if anyone can answer this question, you said with Lots of space and time you said she may find me attractive again? What is it about the space and time that will do it? If anyone has that answer? Maybe Sandi could give some insight. AS that makes me feel good that you found someone that really makes you happy. I look at that as a success story. Sorry if I made it seem like anyone who got divorced not a success. Like I said in previous posts for me it’s just the fear of the unknown, the fear of starting over and honestly speaking just pisses me off what I dedicated to this family to end up here!! I know it’s completely irrelevant so many women I’m friends with and work with have told me what a mistake she is making and wish I was there husband. That pisses me off too, other women see my worth but the one I want!!

Thanks guys. This forum really helps me getting refocused and centered. Your wisdom is truly priceless.

[Ready2Change]

W is unhappy. She blames you for her unhappiness. She puts her happiness into other people. You need to be completely out of the picture so she can realize that she is unhappy without you.


So during this period, you have to find your happiness without her (or before jumping into another R with a different woman for that matter). Become happy being you. Enjoy every moment of every day. That is the goal. That is what you are to learn. "The four agreements" is another must read.

[Wolfman]

Good morning everyone. There is something I would like to talk about and hopefully you vets can help me out. I get the whole thing about detaching from our w. Let me tell you it’s so hard to detach when I never pictured my life without her. But I am taking it one day at a time. I feel like this is taking me longer than most people on here. The part I want to talk about though is my kids. I miss them dearly when I am not with them. I try to keep myself busy and GAL as much as possible. But there are still periods when I am not busy every second. Those are the moments I want to just breakdown and cry. My kids have always been my world!!! As I write this I am tearing up. How do I deal with the loss of my kids? Is it just time? I try to fill my days up but it’s hard to fill every second.

AS you said something (sorry I don’t know how to do those quote boxes) about how in her mind the m was that bad that she needed to get out. But how does someone do that knowing they won’t be with their kids all the time?? Look I can honestly say there were times I was unhappy in the m. And thought about d my w. But then when I thought about it the problems were not huge (no cheating, abuse, alcohol, drugs or gambling) I said I have to make this work. Especially for my kids. I guess because I am not a “walk away” I wont understand their mindset. How they could not just walk away from their spouse but their kids to a certain extent. Is it normal for me to feel disgust for her doing this??? Or a sense of real anger that she is putting our family though this? Today is a beautiful day and I would normally take them to the playground and play with them. Instead I am by myself, where most people would love the freedom. I love my kids more than anything and I hate that she put them in the crossfire!!!

Thank you R2C for the info and book. I will be ordering this. Everyone’s advice and words of wisdom helps. I always look forward what people have to say.

[LH19]

W,

When you decided to move out of your house and back in with your parents knowing you were sacrificing time with your kids. Why did you do it? You did it based on emotion. You logically didn’t think you would miss your kids when you left. You left to stop the pain.

That’s the exact thing she is doing right now. She’s not logically thinking about the consequences of divorce.

As far as detachment, I still don’t think you quite understand what it means. It takes a really long time for the average guy and I’m guessing for you it may take double.

It’s good to cry it out when you’re alone. It’s also therapeutical to break $hit too.

Hang in there wolf.

[SoTorn]

SoTorn, I am sure you DB the heck out of it. And yet you still ended up d. I know this program is about making ourselves a better person but I also don’t want to be divorced. I know it’s out of my control but it’s not what I want. I know it’s not what anyone wants on here, that’s why we are here. I just wish I read more success stories on here how it worked. I definitely need more patience. It’s just that things are moving along with the d. I am trying real hard to GAL, detaching, and 180. At least on the surface it looks like it has no effect. She is still in full MLC, going bar hopping, only talks about herself, buying new clothes all the time, dressing much younger. Sometimes I have to laugh, she talks about how hard it is with the kids, (I validate when she talks) how much money she has to spend on everything (again I validate). At one point she got off Facebook for a little while because she said she hated everyone. Basically meaning how her life was terrible and everyone else had a great life. Again I validate. It’s just funny and puzzling to me how she sees the struggle but doesn’t see she has created all of this. That in her warped mind she thought d was suppose to solve all her problems.

I am still BD. Yes my M is over, but I am ok with it. Its a marathon and not a race. My EXWW wanted her new life without me so badly that she finally filed and we are now D. Thats ok with me.

Just remember that if you have hope and you want it to work, keep shining that light on the path. I stopped shining the light. I did that because I dont want to be with a woman that thinks its ok to have sex with other men while married. Plus my EXWW was extremely hateful to me. She honestly pushed me away with her continued behavior. Her behavior diminished my love and care for her. Someone who treats me so badly doesnt deserve me or my love.

My EXWW showed zero remorse. She still blames me and justifies her actions based on her false perspective of who I am. My EXWW has no idea who I am. She never stopped to see who I am now. Thats fine with me.

You are the only one who can decide how long you will hold onto hope. How long can you take this? I wasnt going to waste any of my valuable life waiting around to see if my EXWW would come around. BD did help me. It helped me find myself and find my balls.

My EXWW actually got to the point where she is now angry that I didnt fall on my face without her. I am fine on my own. This doesnt fit her model of what was supposed to happen to me.

[Ready2Change]

The part I want to talk about though is my kids. I miss them dearly when I am not with them.....My kids have always been my world!!! As I write this I am tearing up. How do I deal with the loss of my kids?

This is why I push for 50/50 parenting. Best thing I ever did.

“For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
― Benjamin Button, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

There are subconscious things that need to be let out. Cry when you are alone. Let it all out. Let the anger out to. Turn the TV loud if needed. Do it in the shower if need. Empty parking lot in your car. Feel all the feelings. Embrace them.