I'll leave my comments about finding a better authentic Mexican place than OtB to myself! LOL Also, TX is my birth state!
Mine too. I honestly prefer tex-mex over "authentic" Mexican food. The first time I went to Mexico I was surprised to find that tex-mex is not the same thing as Mexican food
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This is shifting gears a bit but wondered what your take was if I discover there is another A. I know it doesn't change anything (although it kills my desire to pursue her anymore).
I think most LBS's are in denial about just how "over" their M is. They see their W as "going through something" and if they say or do the right thing then it will snap them out of it. I think that's why most of us ended up here, we were searching the Internet for answers on the right steps to take to "fix things" and stumbled across DB'ing. Discovering an A sometimes snaps the LBS out of it. They realize that the woman that they knew and loved and was so devoted to them has checked out and there's an interloper in her place. But the thing is, that new knowledge didn't change anything except the LBS's PERCEPTION of the situation. Your situation, it is ALREADY that bad. You're clinging to the notion that it's salvageable when it already isn't. I think the only reason your W is still in the same house is what you mentioned in your first post- she can't afford to leave. Maybe she's hoping the right OM will come along that can whisk her away. Or maybe she's fantasizing she'll land some great new source of income selling candles or something. But she's not there out of any desire to work on things.
I was faced with the same dilemma as you. My XW had been hanging around with a coworker. His W left him and she was there to console him through his difficult time (oh the irony). I trusted my XW without question and never once considered it as anything other than her helping a friend. Well fast forward to BD and she's still talking to him and messaging through FB and working with him. I could find no evidence of an A, but it kept me up many a night wondering about it. Finally I came to the conclusion that the best course of action for ME was actually rather simple- assume the worst and act accordingly. She's having an A, do I want to keep standing for my M or not? At the time I decided to keep standing, but I was fully embracing DB'ing by then so I did not confront her because there was nothing to gain by it. And all these years later, I still don't know what the extent of their "friendship" was. But I do know one thing, my M was dead at BD. It took me almost a year to finally realize how dead it was though.
Now I'm not saying to give up and that there's no hope. The idea of DB'ing isn't to save your existing M, it is to forge a new way forward, make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave and hopefully down the road you'll get an opportunity to build a NEW R with her. It has happened plenty of times, but the LBS really has to drop the rope first. And that takes time and patience!
I got a TM today from my W that she wants to go out with her 2 GFs both recently divorced and go out for the night.
My anxiety is spiked both about what she will do and if I can handle my disposition before she leaves and when she comes back.
I hate this process.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I got a TM today from my W that she wants to go out with her 2 GFs both recently divorced and go out for the night.
My anxiety is spiked both about what she will do and if I can handle my disposition before she leaves and when she comes back.
I hate this process.
Ah yes, the ol' girls-gone-wild outing. Well at least she told you. WAS's draw enablers like moths to a flame. It's part of it. Sorry it triggered you but it really doesn't change anything. BREATHE!
I spent the day at a Men's Retreat at our local church. I'm kind of confused about how to bibically love my wife and the concept of DBing and how they combine.
If you have a comment that is critical of faith OR religion OR biblical worldview please save it for another forum. But if you have faith, believe what is said about loving your wife, laying your life down for her, then please I am open to your thoughts.
I spent time around thousands of men today, and the speaker prayed for broken marriages. I was encouraged to "love" my wife, to pursue her. Which I felt conflicted about of course because I'm DBing!!! But I don't want my wife to think I'm no longer interested in her.
I told her point blank that my heart is for her.
Ironically she said she was going out with a friend who had been divorced 1 year today. She said everywhere at her work people are dropping like flies. I replied, "well they've got a 50% chance". She said not according to Jimmy Evans (from Marriage Today) who believes 2 people who are for their marriage have a 100% chance of success no matter what they've done. I didn't dignify a response.
We got back around to our conversations about affairs and whether I was engaged in one. I said no. I then asked if she was. (I don't believe her based on her track record) but she said she wanted to find herself right now. She said, like you I am trying to work on myself.
Not sure I believe anything and while I don't have any proof, there was a part of me that wanted her to say she was engaged in an EA because I wanted to have her leave the house. I just am so DANG tired.
She's out with her friends tonight. I'm trying to do things to build myself up. I'm praying, I'm asking. I'm just not sure what I believe in my heart that God would lead me to do. Do I have grounds to leave her? Yes. Do I still want to be married to the woman who I committed to for my life? Yes.
But being stuck in the middle freaking [censored].
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
You were encouraged to pursue and since it is what you want you decide it's a good idea...you'll show her how much you care, and she won't care. But you love her right? How has your profession of love worked so far? Has she changed her mind?
Her saying she wants to find herself is what most of the cheaters say. And you don't want to believe she's having an affair either....
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I told her point blank that my heart is for her.
You told her you were plan B. She told you she is going out with people who are going to encourage her to have an affair.
Did she say she loves you and her heart is for you? Have you read DR? Do you know how ILYs work against you with a WAS?
If you love her so much, then respect her wishes and move on and GAL and stop trying to convince her that she doesn't really mean what she is telling you. Every time you beg and plead with her it makes her resolve stronger and you appear weaker. You think you can talk your way out of this but you can't. Your words are digging a deeper hole.
No more ILYs, no more weak behavior around her, no more pursuit.
Do what R2C said. Get some new clothes and go out tomorrow night. Interact with men and women. You do that until your realize there is life on the other side and maybe your sitch will start to change.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You can love your wife without pursuing. Set her free. Maintain your personal boundaries. Do not be open with her. You are now a quite, observing type of guy.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ahh great. Spent the weekend hearing about how my distance, affect and short responses are triggering my W because of 10 years of emotional abuse.
I tried not to engage. I really did.
I just can't believe I'm still hearing this. I've given her all this time and we are still here 18 months later. She doesn't see it that way though. Because I didn't instantly change 18 months ago.
And oh by the way. YOU HAD 2 [censored] AFFAIRS LAST YEAR. But alas I get to hear how she didn't know who she was when that was happening. She is finding herself now, not getting involved with anyone and just working on herself.
I'm getting so tired of being expected to behave perfectly and have just the expected vocal and inflection she needs to feel safe.
All the while taking ZERO personal responsibility for her actions.
ANNNNNND she's out again tonight drinking with work friends.
This is working out well.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
So sorry you're experiencing this garbage-ola. Double-standards are just cruel - intentional or otherwise.
Baiting....what a hateful, cruel thing... S's always know the perfect sigh, perfect inflection, etc ad nauseam to trigger.
I also got the ZERO responsibility for her comments, actions, etc and now accusation of verbal/emo abuse....i should have taped all that stuff. That also feels just a little on the crappy side....
The great thing is that today is done - no more filth to be flung.
Sleep and rest and wake up refreshed. Tomorrow is full of great potential and opportunity to be the "Teflon Don"!!!
I should follow my own 'stuff'!!!
Awakened...
M-19, T-22 M-53, W 44 D15, S13 Separate BRs 02/2018 (during and after I had pneumonia) W (left separation - no A) - ? ~ 05/03-09/2019 BD 05/16/19
And these are the reasons why my EXWWs PA and behavior were a complete dealbreaker. I had enough mistreatment. Enough was enough. Someone that can treat another human so poorly, especially someone who loved them deeply and dedicated thier life to them, doesn't deserve to have us in their lives.
I am way to valuable to be sh*t on and cheated on. So I smashed that eject button and moved on. Maybe if my EXWW can recognize her NPD issues and work on them, we can be friends one day.
But knowing her mom, who she acts just like, that will most likely never happen.
Si,
Dont even engage her. She is getting to you. Getting under your skin and keeping your mind occupied with her. Validate her feelings and walk away.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
