Gentlemen. I sincerely appreciate your well thought out words. They are like medicine to my bones. I receive them.
We turned a corner this morning, and when I say that, I mean I confronted her about a phone number I have seen repeating for the last couple of months.
She had no leg to stand on. She admitted that after her AP re-connected with her in February she stopped talking but then got a call from a number in his area. She has consistently reached out to that number.
She confessed that this morning.
She asked me to come back after I dropped the kids at school. I am numb, so I planned to come back and simply listen to what she had to say.
She talked about being lonely, looking for something in this relationship that she knows is unhealthy, knows isn't right but was looking anyway.
I told her I had no reason to believe a word she says.
She said she was so sorry, asked what measures I wanted to take in light of this new behavior and I said nothing.
She asked me if I wanted her to leave, and I said I didn't know right now. I need some time to pray.
I know I can go back and read Sandi's thoughts on what to do now that she has at least admitted to pursuing this relationship still after 18 months.
But I am so confused. Men of faith, Steve, AnotherStander, I want God's heart in this decision. She is clearly making a decision with what she is doing. I told her I would not be disrespected like this.
Going forward I don't know what my play is here. I want to be married but she is gone. I don't want to hurt my kids but they can't live in this environment where everything she does is because she blames me for it. She has had the choice to NOT call anyone, NOT reach out to unhealthy places.
I have been lonely for 18 months. I have engaged in ZERO unhealthy relationships.
But I just don't know where we go from here.
si, first WWs are addicted to the AP. In my first sitch my W's EA was very hard for her to break away from. It took months for her to finally be over it. This is not that uncommon for them to struggle with breaking off all contact. I think if you give her time she can and will get past it.
"Going forward I don't know what my play is here." Sometimes the best play is no play at all. Slow, steady and patient wins the race. Give her some time. Take a deep breath. Breathe. Doing something rash will leave you with a lifetime of questions. Trust me on this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Originally Posted by si13 Not sure I believe anything and while I don't have any proof, there was a part of me that wanted her to say she was engaged in an EA because I wanted to have her leave the house. I just am so DANG tired.
You were the one who attended a religious retreat for husbands......not your WW. I have seen many people who get very enthused during retreats and head home with the intentions of turning things around. First thing the enemy will do is hit you smack in the face.
Your WW has 2 PA's and 1 EA, that you know about. She is very disrespectful of her H. I don't know how much proof of an affair you need, but why do you feel you have to hear her say she is having an EA, in order for her to leave the house? Why do you think she would leave? More than likely, she would make you leave.
Now I don't wish to say anything offensive or out of line about the retreat, b/c I wasn't there and did not hear what was shared. Was this a Christian retreat? I've heard a lot Christian messages/lessons on the role of both spouses. I'm pretty sure I've never heard the one about pursuing his disrespectful wife. H's are taught to love their W. Interesting enough, the same was not said to the wives. They were told to respect their H's.
H's have the responsibility of providing, protecting, leading and teaching his family in the ways of God. To whom much is given, much is required. God placed man as the head of the family, and that is a big responsibility. Maybe the speaker was referring to men pursuing the woman to get married. Did they actually say the H should pursue a disobedient, disrespectful, wayward W?
I have seen young Christian men who had soft hearts and gentle ways, struggle with a W who was rebellious, unloving and disrespectful. They struggled b/c as men, they failed to know how to manage a relationship where their mate refused to behave as the scripture teaches. He goes to church and hears the minister teach how the H is suppose to love his W, and he takes it to mean only one way to love.........where he is gentle, self sacrificing, supplicating, placating, and relenting. That's how he interprets "loving" his W.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi. Yes. You're spot on. I was pretty excited coming from a Christian Men's Summit and I do understand the Scripture's standards of loving my wife. I am 46yo and my W is 38.
I also know the Scriptures call for Ws to respect their H which is not going on.
Last night I tried to come home and have a good attitude. Even after confronting about the number my W has been calling in hopes to reach (and maybe she has) her old AP. I even after dinner asked if she wanted to watch the American Idol finale as we were both retiring after getting the kids to bed about 9pm. She responded surprised and asked even after all that happened this morning? I said we're headed to bed, we're gonna watch something.
When I rose this morning I was still really struggling on how I actually address this issue. Stay and work on the M with transparency or GTFO. I think this is the angle I am going to approach with. I will not tolerate being Plan B or an open marriage. I am not trying to control you however, you're search for yourself has ALWAYS included other parties. So it's not working.
My Ws complaint and her ongoing war with me on whether I am an abuser is my affect, my mood, my tone, my short word responses. I can admit that I have struggled with this for years. I have been moody and in years past I used that mood to manipulate. But honestly in the last 18 months my mood has been suspicious and sad becuase I know my W is a liar and a cheater. I can't just fake happy.
I'm willing to work with my W on this in our M but I won't do it unless it's on a level playing field.
Thoughts guys?
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Just something I would like to add about giving ultimatums and mindsets. If your spouse is cheating on you, and they are a stake holder legally in the mortgage, property, etc. You cannot force them to leave, but, you can ask them to leave. If the police are ever involved, and you are demanding that they leave or GTFO, Its going to come down to legalities, behavior, and what is best for the children, etc. What I am trying to illustrate here is, if you are going to give an ultimatum of work on the M, or GTFO! You better have the lawyer consultation, and legal standing ground to back it up and maintain your authority to remove your W from the premise. The other thing is if you are asking them to leave. Do not ask them from a place of your own emotional benefit. (You are going to have to suck this up, if you don't have a legal leg to stand on as far as deeds, assets, etc.) The only reason why you would ask them, and should be asking them to GTFO, is because you are protecting YOUR CHILDREN from exposure to AP OW or OM and your WW poor choices, especially within your household within your legal rights. It has to be "for the children" or you will lose legally in court if your W decides to fight you for anything.
Thank you so much IH. I will keep all that in consideration. At the time I confronted her she actually asked if I wanted her to leave. I told her I wasn't sure. I want to keep all the decisions in front of me not doing anything hasty.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
Well, even after I confronted her with information that I knew she was calling a suspicious number she confessed to, she's back acting her old self. Not the old self I'd hoped for. The distant, I'm not sure I want to be with you self.
I'll admit I thought being discovered (again) would provide some sort of awakening like what have I been doing? I don't know. Maybe she is still involved in the A and laughing at me that all I found was the call history.
She asked if there was anything I wanted for transparency. She asked if I wanted her to leave. I told her those weren't decisions I was ready to make right then.
And then just like that she was back to her manipulative little ways.
Last night she asked me something about why I didn't ask her dad prior to proposing. This is 14 years ago. And she seems to live in whatever year will support her abuse narrative.
I give up. It's back to GAL. Part of me wishes I had threatened to file. At least to shock her but being honest I want my marriage still. I still love her despite the disrespect.
She did apologize. Twice. But I had hoped it would be more profound than this. Seems after several As it's just another lie and deceit instance that isn't too big of a deal to her.
AnotherStander. We are still good for today. 1130. Do you want to shoot me an email so we can connect prior? segentry7280@gmail.com
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I am getting to the point where I do not think LBSs should confront over things like this. I stop short of saying this strongly to LBSs because I know that in my own sitch, finding things and not confronting was nearly impossible. However, at a maximum, LBSs should just say "I know", and not say what or how they they know. The problem is that it is hard to confront without expectations. When I would confront my W I expected sadness, sorrow and remorse. And I would spiral when her attitude was "yeah, I know. I told you I was done."
Confronting is pressure. And the best course of action is no pressure. Even thought I know that is very difficult to live by.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My stand on confrontation is to have a plan of actionbeforeyou even consider approaching her. If you don't know what you want her to do, then I suggest you not confront. Know what you want from her, and if she won't cooperate, then be prepared to take some sort of action (no DV sort of action).
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She asked if there was anything I wanted for transparency. She asked if I wanted her to leave. I told her those weren't decisions I was ready to make right then.
It seems as if she practically laid it out for you. She asked if there was anything you needed to show you proof. She asked if you wanted her to leave. Your answer was that you weren't ready to make those decisions right now? Then why the heck did you confront her? To have a WW respond this way is very rare, and you lost a great opportunity. I don't mean to knock Ready's quotes, but using the "I'll have to think about it" or "I'm not ready to make those decisions right now"...... are fine as a response when she throws something at you and catches you off guard. IMHO, it's not the appropriate response to use if you confront your WW......b/c you went into the confrontation expecting her to cooperate or not to cooperate. Either way, you have to be ready with a plan of action.
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And then just like that she was back to her manipulative little ways.
Sure, b/c she saw an indecisive man who didn't know what he wanted. If you are not going to have boundaries, then she isn't going to respect any.
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I'll admit I thought being discovered (again) would provide some sort of awakening like what have I been doing?
I wish LBH's would get this idea out of their heads that they are going to say something that will shock their W awake. This idea has proven time after time that the H is not going to say something that will cause her to smack her forehead and suddenly become her old self again. The closest thing I've seen that works (and it's not words, it's action) is when the H is walking away. When he is dumping her, and she knows he means business. He can't do as some type of pretense or gamble. She'll recognize what he's trying to do if he tells her, "I'm packing my bags........I'm walking to the door....... I'm opening the door.......I'm stepping through the door, have you awaken yet?"
I suggest that when you feel the urge to confront, you discuss it with the board first. Give it a two or three days, at least, if possible, okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'd given it a month. I'd seen these suspicious phone numbers and sat on it.
Not sure where to go from here then. I'm tired of being disrespected. I don't want to be an indecisive man with no boundaries.
I had planned to talk to her to say, you can either stay and work on the MR but I won't be your Plan B. I was discouraged from ultimatums.
I'm confused. Lonely. I get tricked by her hooks of flickering affection. I fall down. I miss my old marriage. I'm worn out.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
