Settling In (LB55 Thread 3)

[Ready2Change]

I need to get the D moving for my own sanity and health. Regardless of what she wants or does, I am going to get my ducks in a row and schedule the mediation and if needed set the trial date to get this over with. I discussed with my L my desires, and she is going to help me get the process moving. I don't need it to finish ASAP, but I can't sit in limbo because its driving me crazy. If I want the situation to improve, I've got to drive the bus now.

Sounds like a great plan.

Most LBH do not do things that gain them the respect they need that may re-attract their W. This will gain you respect.


You have done an amazing job at controlling your emotions and doing the right thing through out this.

[LB55]

One of the things that I identified, and I didn't point this out to her, but its totally the wrong mindset for love. This is what she told me, and I wrote it down to remember it because it was so wrong in my mind. "I wanted you to love me the way I wanted, not the way that you wanted to love me." Basically that sounds like 'I don't want the gift you lovingly picked out and gave to me, because I want something else.' Selfish? Wow.

I get where you're coming from here...you're right. But so is she. I recommend reading the 5 Love Languages. People don't always realize that your gift of love is just that...because you aren't speaking their language. People communicate, and love, in different ways.

Keep going forward and doing what you need to do. She may jump back onboard and she may not. But you'll cross that bridge if the Bridge Crewmembers ever get around to building it.

I agree ovr, it isn't all me, nor is it all her. Our perceptions and opinions can both be right. I have not read the book, but I have read about each of the languages. Mine is acts of service and physical touch. I asked her in November what hers was and she said communication. Since that is not an overt option, I can say in my opinion hers is some mix of words of affirmation and quality time.

The words of affirmation are why I'm working hard at non-defensive listening and validation of her feelings. If I can understand her feelings and empathize with her, I'm providing the support she is looking for. Whether that results in us staying together or not, that's not something I can control. I can control the effort I put into this and my attitude.

It is a difficult tasking in a time like this to work to improve oneself, especially in the area of bad habits, without getting defensive and shutting down. PMA will help.

These skills will benefit me at work, at home, and in all relationships. I stood up at training today and politely but sternly called out the group for poor performance regarding attendance. Its not optional and i made it clear. I have been remiss in the past months at leading and being a good example for my fellow service members, and today that stops too. Its all part of the overall picture.

[Ready2Change]

These skills will benefit me at work...

My boss was frustrated last week...thank god for validation..I almost started arguing...

[LB55]

I need to get the D moving for my own sanity and health. Regardless of what she wants or does, I am going to get my ducks in a row and schedule the mediation and if needed set the trial date to get this over with. I discussed with my L my desires, and she is going to help me get the process moving. I don't need it to finish ASAP, but I can't sit in limbo because its driving me crazy. If I want the situation to improve, I've got to drive the bus now.

Sounds like a great plan.

Most LBH do not do things that gain them the respect they need that may re-attract their W. This will gain you respect.


You have done an amazing job at controlling your emotions and doing the right thing through out this.

Thanks R2C, I am able to control my emotions well, the thing I am not good at is letting them out when the time is appropriate. I eat them all and it makes me feel like crap. I have lots of conversations with myself in the truck where I yell at her and say the things that need to be said but don't need to be heard.

I am starting to see the disrespect in almost every communication she has with me, and while that boundary is going to result in a temporary reduction in communication, I'm hopeful that the quality of the communication will improve.

[LB55]

Fresh off the crazy train...

"I was looking through our wedding pictures, and you didn't look happy when you were walking with me down the aisle. This is just another sign that we weren't meant to be together."

That was one of the best days of my life. At least I know she still has the pictures.

So I'm looking for some good ways to tell her that her assumptions about things need to stop.

Example: "I know that you are angry." "I know that you hate me." "I know that your family hates me." "I know that you were never happy."

These statements are very presumptuous, but if I engage and say that's not how I feel, it gets heated quickly. I don't feel that way, and she does this in almost every communication. Some permutation of an assumption of how I feel, what I think, or why I do things.

[Ready2Change]

Are these texts or in person convos?

Best is no response.

"I was looking through our wedding pictures, and you didn't look happy when you were walking with me down the aisle. This is just another sign that we weren't meant to be together."

"I am much happier now"

"I know that you are angry."

"Please don't tell me how I feel. If you want to know ask. I will tell you"

"I know that you hate me."

"I am sorry you feel that way"

"I know that your family hates me."

"They are disappointment that we didn't work out"

"I know that you were never happy."

"Yup. Much happier now"

[LB55]

Are these texts or in person convos?

Best is no response.

"I was looking through our wedding pictures, and you didn't look happy when you were walking with me down the aisle. This is just another sign that we weren't meant to be together."

"I am much happier now"

"I know that you are angry."

"Please don't tell me how I feel. If you want to know ask. I will tell you"

"I know that you hate me."

"I am sorry you feel that way"

"I know that your family hates me."

"They are disappointment that we didn't work out"

"I know that you were never happy."

"Yup. Much happier now"

They are included in any conversation we have. Her preferred method is electronic, because she is more comfortable telling me things that way. During our conversation in the driveway the other night she told me that she knows I hate her, my family hates her, etc.

I don't want her to tell me how I feel, I want her to ask me how I feel. This is a key for me to know that anything has changed in our dynamic. She doesn't care how i feel right now, she knows how she thinks i feel.

As I look back on our 15 years, this has been mostly a constant. "I know there is something bothering you", "I know you are upset", "I know you are mad at me", "I know that you didn't fix my car because you don't think I'm a priority", I could go on and on.

That type of statement really puts me on the defensive, because most times its not what I think or feel. Working on my non-defensive listening skills, and I am no longer trying to justify my position or feelings when she does this, but I need to set this boundary to help me have more effective communications.

[SoTorn]

WAS are kings/queens of assumptions. They base all of their actions on assumptions. My EXWW did that throughout the entirety of our MR. Never asked how I felt. Always assumed what I was doing and how I felt.

[neffer]

That´s the usual path. It´s guilt driven mindreading so as to justify WW/WAS behaviors. I did those exact things when my WWs times. Nothing original, the good all waywardness stereotypes.

These are her feelings actually so validate what needs to be validated. Then get out of it.

[Ready2Change]

I don't want her to tell me how I feel, I want her to ask me how I feel.

You can't control other people.

Lets say you have a bad habit that you want to change. How hard is it for you to make the changes? It is going to take a lot of work and discipline. Now someone else has bad habits that you want to change. HOW HARD IS THAT GOING TO BE???


Just understand her. Listen and understand her story. It is not true. It is just her story.



If I met her out at a bar and she was talking about you, I would just listen and understand. I would enjoy her story.


W:"My husband is always angry bla bla bla"
ME:"That must be hard to deal with"
W"Bla bla bla bla bla"


She will feel better afterwards.