Reading this board for weeks, excellent advice and bought divorce busting book
Just not coping tonight want to reach out and get some validation, but staying strong and posting my story. I have a WAH, started a EA online last year. I had the BD July last year. Said he wasn't sure what he wanted thought it was a MLC. After becoming a honorary member of the MI5, found the EA. Yep I did the pick me dance. Didn't stop ig, the EA became a PA this year. The EA\PA they are both in different continents. WAH has said he doesn't want divorce, he moved out this month. He crumb drops everytime, let's see where we are in 6 months etc. We are still sleeping together on a regular basis. He extremely jealous when I go out and that is the only time he has said that he wants to divorce.
I have GAL and still continue to do so. I have looked at my failings within our relationship 25 years together, I am in counselling, focused more on myself and doing things for myself.
I validate him whenever we are together, and I have little contact with him. I don't message everyday etc. When we are together, we fall back into our easy, laughing and joking ways.
Today I am struggling desperately want to reach out, but no I am posting on here, I guess for validation that I am doing the right thing and to stop me grumbling mad.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Im sorry you are here. Read everything Cadet posted several times over. You are absolutely allowing cake eating. He is in a PA. Time to do some serious DB.
My marriage ended in D as of last Thursday because of my WW and her PA. Its not easy. It hurts badly. You will get through this.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Hello Solo, I can see a lot of parallels between our sitches, other than I don't know if my H is having any type of A, and he moved out last September.
Why are you sleeping with him if he's having an A? That's more like him eating a banquet than cake. My H refuses to have sex with me so I can certainly understand the attraction of it though, I'm not judging...
Good question I am missing physical touch, everyday my h and I would hug, kiss, holdhands and boom since July nothing. My h really confused me hiss LL is physical touch and in one conversation h asked me to iniate more, yes h did most of the iniating. I am so confused h is in a affair, but wants to see that I have changed??
H will not admit to affair, states we had separated etc
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Solo, very sorry you are here! It sounds like you are doing the right things as far as GAL and giving him space.
Originally Posted by SoloUk
Good question I am missing physical touch, everyday my h and I would hug, kiss, holdhands and boom since July nothing. My h really confused me hiss LL is physical touch and in one conversation h asked me to iniate more, yes h did most of the iniating. I am so confused h is in a affair, but wants to see that I have changed??
H will not admit to affair, states we had separated etc
But you said you know he's having a PA? So he's lying? That's pretty typical so I'm not surprised, just checking to see if I'm understanding the situation. Here's the irony about a WAS having an affair, they usually will start avoiding physical contact with the LBS because they feel like they are cheating on the OP!!!! Sounds crazy but once they get serious with OP then that becomes Plan A and the LBS is Plan B. So they'll go all-in on the OP while just throwing the LBS just enough crumbs to keep them hanging on as Plan B.
Thanks cadet, I have the book and it's well and truly hidden. Don't want I knowing I have got it. Browsing history is deleted everynight.
Anotherstander, that is the confusing part our sexual interaction has increased. Think this may be in part to it being a LDR
H thought I was a somebody and didn't go out much, which in part was true, I liked being at home, but I didn't go out everyweek. Now I am GAL he is resenting it, in fact resenting me. I made h move, h didn't want to. Since comments about my social life, how can I afford it? Well h is busy arranging flights round the world, do I ask no, just let him do his thing.
Proper mixed signals from h, you never went out, sex was every week to 10 days, but physical hugs and kisses everyday. Now I am GAL he is disparaging of that, asks me to take the lead inviting sex when he is having an affair, which I do as this is a complete 180 from before
Anotherstander, that is the confusing part our sexual interaction has increased. Think this may be in part to it being a LDR
That could very well be. I've been working on a novel that explains why WAS's do what they do and you might find it helpful, here it is:
"____________________________________________"
Yup that's it, nothing they do makes sense, LOL! There's really no figuring it out. Especially if they are in an MLC.
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Now I am GAL he is resenting it, in fact resenting me. I made h move, h didn't want to. Since comments about my social life, how can I afford it? Well h is busy arranging flights round the world, do I ask no, just let him do his thing.
This is all pretty typical. Nothing you do will make him happy, he'll find something to complain about no matter what you do. So do it for you and don't concern yourself with his reactions to it. The thing is he wants you to sit around at home pining away for him with a big PLAN B stamped on your forehead. You're not doing that so it makes him scared, worried and angry. GOOD. That's exactly what you want- to put him on notice that when he dumps you he can no longer expect you to play by his rules.
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asks me to take the lead inviting sex when he is having an affair
You really might want to consider putting an end to this. You wouldn't be the first person here to contract an STD from your own spouse thanks to an affair partner or two or three. Continuing to have sex with him isn't going to bring him back anyway.
