I was also a terrible at interrupting. I stopped that completely. I got away from blame. Its ok to say "I". You can tell him how you feel. I did. I went from "you you you". To "I feel like this when you do XXX". Its ok to state your feelings.
My favorite comment of late is "I am sorry you feel that way" or "It must be frustrating to feel that way". My EXWW doesnt know how to react to this new me. That usually just stops her in her tracks. She may keep pushing trying to get a rise out of me, but it never works.
My EXWW just got home from her trip with OM. I have my room all packed up and ready to go June 1st. I immediately got a text from her "Are you moving out?". I let it sit for about an hour and simply responded "Yes".
So now my EXWW gets to face her consequences. A life without me, paying me, increasing her bills, being a single parent and not having me around to help along with not having the kids half the time. But I am sure this is that ultra happiness that she was looking for.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I am taking better care of myself, since bd I have lost 50llbs believe me this wasn't intentional, my body was so full of adrenaline I just didn't eat. I am doing yoga and running and every month I treat myself to a massage and facial. I have found a new counsellor who specialise in SBT and hopefully with this forum and the counselling guidance will be in ambudance.
Earlier this year I moved h from the mbr when he return from a trip with the ow. That didn't go well, as I was in the spare room, but I am the one working on my m, so I moved back and h out. H has now moved out completely and this is easier to control my emotions, it was needed h has dropped out of life completely. H lives on his phone 24/7 , he ignored the kids and me when we where talking, h was so disrespectful a complete change from the h he was.
You sound like you're doing pretty well there Solo. It's a rollercoaster, there will be good days and bad and you just have to dig deep during the bad ones and wait for better ones to come along.
I was thinking about you having sex with him when he's sleeping with an OW. I'm sure the sex is tempting as a way to feel connected with him, but he is definitely using you. Maybe it'll be easier for you to say no to him if you imagine him having sex with you whilst fantasising about her? How much of a turnoff would THAT be for you? It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.
My kids are similar ages, 14 and 17. It really [censored] the way a H can abandon his kids like that, I feel like my H will never be respected by our kids for having done that. No matter how much he bleats about wanting to be happy, his behaviour has been selfish and actually pretty unforgivable. My kids never asked him to run away, they didn't deserve this. I didn't either, but at least I know where my faults lay within our marriage, our children are innocent in all of this.
Dillydaf thanks for that vision. I have already firmly decided that the sexual boundary line is never again to be crossed. I am waiting to hear from h when he needs me again. To tell him that the boundary is in place and wont happen whilst h is sleeping with someone else.
Interesting you bring up the kids, my 13 y.o has been acting out since this began. Its strange to say my kid is quiet and just gets on, but anger issues are raising there head, hitting out at school. Smacking h sometimes in the guise of playing. Today when talking to my 13 y.o about an incident at school. I asked what was going on inside and my kid stated it's so messed up inside and started to cry. I reassured, held etc.
The issue is how do I tell h? He will be convinced I have put words in my child's mouth, and that it is all coming from me. My heart is breaking, what do I do? I have downloaded headspace for kids. Reassured the mum and dad love for our child is always there. My child just wants mum and dad together. Our child doesnt know h has a OW. H wants to introduce I the next few weeks, when OW visits again. Previously I have stated I dont think this is a good idea, but h will do what he wants
Oh no, that sounds so, so hard I don't really have any advice, maybe someone with more experience of a spouse in an open affair will. It's true that you can't stop your H from telling your kids about the OW, or from introducing them.
I think I would calmly tell your H about the emotional issues that your 13 year old is having and that they are in a fragile state. You could even approach it in a problem solving manner: what can WE as parents do to help your kid. It might not work but if you are careful not to attach any blame in this matter (underneath any denial he KNOWS what he's doing is affecting the kids, you don't need to tell him) then maybe he might step back from this very selfish step. In a way it might be easier for your kids to know about the existence of the OW, because it might explain this very messy situation a bit more. But honestly, a 13 year old is old enough to make up their own mind about whether they meet the OW or not, and all you have to do is support the decision. I have left my kids to decide for themselves whether they visit H in his flat or not, I will facilitate it if they want to but increasingly they don't want to.
I have a little experience of this, and I know I am much more likely to get my H involved in finding a solution for the problem if I ask for help. Maybe he has a white knight or hero complex? Maybe he just likes feeling needed and wanted? If there's any hint of me wanting to go into the causes of the problem and blame him for them, he either attacks or withdraws. Obviously your 13 yo is acting out and upset because of the state your marriage is in, and a large part of the reason for the state of your marriage is the fact your H is cheating openly. It's a no brainer. He knows that. So rather than going backwards, perhaps phrasing it a way that moves forward would be more likely to get him to work with you?
Husband, 13yo is having a really hard time at the moment. I think she's really distressed and confused. I need some help in comforting her. I'm thinking she needs some one on one time for fun with each of us. I was planning to take her out on Thursday. Do you want to take her out some other time?
Thank you for posting on my thread. I tend to read frequently -- and follow several posters here -- but I do not often post (for several different reasons).
Can you provide a more recent update? How are things going? How have your interactions been lately and implementing boundaries? I have some thoughts if you are interested in reading them.
Best, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
