It’s been 2.5 days that W has been separated. She has had my S since she left, I get him tomorrow and for the weekend. Although I miss my son a lot, I gotta say these past few days have been refreshing. Been going Nuts with GAL. Tons of hockey, working out, hanging out with old friends + even started hanging out with a new group of friends (one of my goals). I had a late hockey game the other night and instead of rushing home to be with W and S, I went out drinking and having an awesome time till pretty late at night. Set up my room how I wanted and it looks sick now. Real bachelor pad like, even got a neon sign of my sports team lol! My roommate/best friend is now moved in.
The interactions have been limited. First day after W moved out, W texted me, called me, made excuses to come over briefly. Second day just a few texts she initiated “miss you” at 11pm, didn’t reply cuz I was out GAL. Today she found some excuse related to getting a gift for my S teacher. Totally unnecessary for her to text me about it. She also has been sending me pictures of my S often. So far Sandi has been spot on about my W texting me often. No invites to spend time together.
I am interested in seeing how W will handle not having my S for 4 days. This will be the first time in his life that she hasn’t been with him at night. I think she will really struggle. So before BD when I got my S from school I would stop by my Ws classroom so she could say bye to my S. Not sure if I should do this tomorrow? I’ve read that when separated you want face to face interactions so she can see the changes. I have also read not to do things like this as we aren’t a family anymore and she needs to miss me? I am leaning toward not stopping by her classroom but am open to hear your guys thoughts, thanks.
So before BD when I got my S from school I would stop by my Ws classroom so she could say bye to my S. Not sure if I should do this tomorrow? I’ve read that when separated you want face to face interactions so she can see the changes. I have also read not to do things like this as we aren’t a family anymore and she needs to miss me? I am leaning toward not stopping by her classroom but am open to hear your guys thoughts, thanks.
I understand this is a tough call - do you keep doing what you did before, or make a change? It will take time to sort out what you want to do for these kinds of interactions.
It sounds like you are focused on your W's reaction. Do what feels right to you, ignore what it may or may not mean for your separation. Either decision sounds fine and reasonable to me, and you can't control her reaction. Don't stop by to prove you are changed. Don't skip to show her what separation will look like. Do what you want, be confident in your decision.
Then validate however she reacts.
You are doing an amazing job sticking to DB. Keep at it.
I gotta say these past few days have been refreshing. Been going Nuts with GAL.
Awesome! The first week of separation is the hardest, if you fill that time up it definitely helps take the sting out of it. Good job!
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I am interested in seeing how W will handle not having my S for 4 days. This will be the first time in his life that she hasn’t been with him at night. I think she will really struggle.
I doubt it. She will probably really enjoy the time to herself. They usually do at first. It's not until later that they start having regrets. This is what she wants, so don't expect her to have immediate regrets. It almost never happens. Don't attach any expectations to this.
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So before BD when I got my S from school I would stop by my Ws classroom so she could say bye to my S. Not sure if I should do this tomorrow?
I don't see the harm, that's more about her and S so that's fine.
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I’ve read that when separated you want face to face interactions so she can see the changes.
Not at first. You want to give her lots and lots of space and distance. She won't start to miss you if she sees you all the time. So if you take S by then stay in the hallway or at a distance and let them say goodbye.
Thanks for the advice! Okay so she ended up texting me asking if I could bring my S to see her when I picked him up. She was sad and I validated about her first night without our S. She then started crying. Is it bad I don’t feel bad for her when this is a repercussion if her choice?
An hour or two later she face timed me to see the baby. At one point I asked are you just calling to say hi? She replied “why else would I be calling?” Seemed kind of rude so I said, “maybe to say something of importance?” Lol.
Later at around 9pm she texted asking how son was? Me:he’s fine W:okay..... W:you could at least send a picture Me: he’s asleep
I’m kind of getting annoyed with this meaningless contact just for her to ask how S is doing. Should I not reply to this stuff anymore or make it clear I don’t want to text about non crucial things?
My sich hasn't gotten to this point yet but it will eventually. But it sounds like 1 of 3 things.
A.) She doesn't trust you with son alone. (A lot of women including my W lose trust in ex partner with kids, after they lose romantic feelings for partner, turn cold, some smother children more as their primary source of love, become more protective, etc. once seperated, and they will out-of-nowhere undermine our parental abilities as a "nurturing mother") I would take mine out of the house on my weekends to get him out, play in park, etc. She would call me to check in on me on how S1 was doing and how I was doing with S1 alone.
B.) She really misses her son. (Like what did you think was going to happen and what reality was going to be like seperated?) SHOCKER! RIGHT?
C.) She is using kids to temp check you. (Mine would send pictures during work day of "cutesy photos" of S1. Some things she invited me to which I declined, since I wasn't going to play family, she would send me pics of S1. Some she wouldn't. Some were at random. I would either reply one word answers or just stop responding all together. After all the radio/text/talk silence I couldn't tell if she was doing this to dangle a carrot in front of the horse? Or was just being/staging for being a polite co-parent?
You can ask the Vets here what to do, but I would politefully make it clear about non crucial communication, validate, and make it clear that S is fine, he's safe, well cared for, that it is YOUR PARENTAL TIME with S, and if you or her need anything, or need to communicate anything that is critical or informative, to do so, but only when necessary.
I picked up my S from school, where my W works. She was with my S when I arrived. She said goodbye to him and didn’t speak to me or acknowledge me at all. Must still be pissed with my short text responses yesterday. I hung out for a bit chatting with my S teacher. Improving my small talk is a big 180/goal of mine and I’ve been doing really well lately.
While I was talking to S teacher, my W walked over close to where her coworker was standing. I believe this coworker to be her enabler and the person who she was texting all the time before separation. I wasn’t trying to snoop but I think I overheard W and enabler talking about going out tonight or tomorrow night drinking.
I believe my W was doing this on purpose trying to make me jealous or something. When we were broken up years ago she did the same thing, talking to other guys while at a party right near me. She would practically yell “omg so and so you’re so funny!” And stuff like that. I paid nearly no attention today, just overheard because it was said 5 feet from me.
My W left back to her classroom. Enabler then came over and stared talking to me a little lol. I have noticed enabler checking me out multiple times before, this was the first time she came over to talk to me. So yeah W seems to be transitioning to anger/annoyance toward me for not wanting to play family/ text pictures of S to her.
Quote I’ve read that when separated you want face to face interactions so she can see the changes.
Here's the thing. LBH's need to let go of this idea that the WW can be persuaded by his changes. That does not work with a WW! What does work is for the H to find his confidence as a man, and not give a rip what she thinks or feels about him. When he lets go of her, then she can tell it's for real......and if there is any chance that his "changes" will influence her decision to stay in the M, this is the one to make. For him to drop the rope and move on with his life, and not care what she thinks.
She's going to do things to keep you emotionally attached. That's how she operates. When there is a child, she's going to use the child to keep the LBH emotionally attached.
Your W is going to send you photos of son when she has him. Then when you have him, she'll ask you to send her photos of him........back & forth, b/c that's what the modern day WW does. She doesn't want to accept the consequences that come with tearing up a family. Now if you want to play along, and you like getting the photos and sending them.......that's fine. I'm just telling you what to expect.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, I thought you were uncertain if she was WW? Oh well probably best to assume she is at this point,
Yeah it’s been like that lately, the only talks between us have been her requesting info on my son. Getting annoyed with it and should stop doing it. The one day I didn’t send a pic she completely ignored me the next day.
I’m actually getting to a pretty good level of detachment. I find myself not even caring what she is up to or when we have a negative interaction. It feels a lot easier not to think about her when I don’t see her all the time.
I’ve started dating though, once again just for fun, I have 0 intention of a relationship at this point. There are definitely pluses and minues to this situation with more positives coming out when the separation began. Hopefully going out on first date tomorrow night.
W FaceTimed and texted 2 separate times today just for update on our S. I’m thinking I will create a boundary next time that I have him. Thanks
Yikes. Most news since the S. Day started, I was getting ready to drop my son off. W was texting me BS about S that was really unnecessary: what else is new. She ended up saying “I miss you”. Ya okay.
So I drop my son off at her apartment. She is bullshitting about whatever, small talk. I had GAL to attend to so I said I gotta go bye. She got all offended and asked if next weekend I was going out drinking with our mutual friends. I said yes. She then got pissed and I asked what was wrong. She got all pissy and said “just go”. No need to ask me twice, I’m not putting up with that sht so I left.
She shortly after texts me “I’m having a really hard time with this today” in regards to our separation. I validate but enforce boundary that if she talks to me how she did early, the conversation is over. She gave a bs apology. She started asking me if I was dating or looking for a Girl friend or what my intentions were. I told her it was no longer her business because she left me.
A few hours later I get more texts from her. It was a long conversation but I’ll highlight: she asked for us to do something together for our son for the 4th of July. I replied that I wasn’t sure yet. She got all pissy and asked why. I said, we are going to Disney land in a month for our Sons birthday and that I wanted to see how that goes first. She got pissed more and asked why. I replied that “ you fired me as a husband and so why should I do family/husband things with you”. She replied “well I see you in my long term”. Obvious BS cuz if she did we would be reconciling. I straight up asked her, what do you want? To which she gave an uncertain answer.
In the evening I get even more texts from her. More sht about my S that wasn’t crucial information. I was a bit drunk from GAL and I don’t think I initiated but it went into R talk. It got pretty intense and she brought up her laundry list of my problems again. I validated but at the same time defended myself. She went deep into negating all our good times which I shut down. I know some of you guys say that it’s her perception right now but I’m not putting up with the bullsht. She said all our 7 years were [censored] and I fiercely debated this. She kept attacking me and accusing me of sleeping with her friends which I haven’t. Idk where she got the idea that I was. We kept arguing and she was saying sht that in my opinion was so far from the truth.
That I never wanted to take her out to eat or go anywhere. When she was the one who denied all my invitations and turned down all my ideas. Yeah maybe after a few years of that I stopped asking because I already knew her answer but come on.
I’ve really dropped the rope and realized that I deserve to be treated better. I’ve been dating for fun and have gotten a lot of interest from other woman. Until my W directly says she wants to work on the M I’m gonna do my own thing.
I'm going to be honest with you. You can do better and if your W doesn't get serious help if you reconcile you will almost surely face this again down the road.
Your taking your balls back and she doesn't like it. Answer questions only about kids and finances and no family time. Make it clear with actions that you are single and your not so sure that being with her is what you want.
