You have to understand that you are not giving him crumbs when you give in to his desires. You are feeding his ego. You are feeding the waywardness. You are showing him that you value him more than you value yourself. He is taking and not giving back.
That is not fair to you. Yes, you may enjoy it and you may feel close to him, but to him it doesnt mean the same thing as it does to you. Its an emotional connection for you, a way to feel connected to him, close to him. To him, its just him getting his way and getting to have multiple partners. You are essentially telling him its ok and that you are comfortable with having a polyamorous relationship.
Thats a no go zone for me. To give you some insight into a full on wayward. My EXWW was talking to me about a young couple that is in her family, a same sex female couple. This couple decided that they wanted to be poly. They have multiple partners, several STD scares etc. They both sleep with men and women.
My EXWW literally told me "I think its very mature of them that they can sleep around with others and at the end of the day they know they are in a committed relationship with each other". HO LEE SH*T WTF is she thinking!?!?
I rebutted that I don't feel that its mature at all that they can't commit themselves to each other. I feel its very immature and very irresponsible. You don't truly love someone if you are sleeping with others and expecting them to be ok with it. You are using them, plain and simple. My EXWW did not like my response. I told her that I thought multiple partners was disgusting and a lack of simple morals, values and character.
Last edited by SoTorn; 05/20/1906:22 PM.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I need to revisit the sexual boundary again and this time, not let h turn it on me. Any suggestions on how this one goes with a firm boundary and no twisting of the sentence to make it look like he is the victim which h is very good at. It is easier now h is out of the house, but every week h comes a knocking to put it politely. He will have little to no iniated contact from him, till his libido is calling. Then it's all my fault
R2C's comments are great if you want to continue having sex. But if you don't then use "I" language to explain it to him:
"Hey baby it's that time of the week again."
"I'm sorry but I can't continue doing this. You are sleeping with someone else and I respect myself too much to open myself up to catching an STD. And this is just emotionally draining for me, I can't handle the roller coaster anymore. It's time to bring this to an end."
"WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS??? This isn't fair to me!"
"I understand this must be difficult for you but the time has come to protect myself." (validation)
"But this isn't fair! Blah blah blah me me me meeeeee!"
"It sounds like you are frustrated, I can understand how frustrating this must be." (more validation)
"So when can we sleep together again? Tomorrow?"
"No this isn't going to happen anymore for the reasons I explained." (affirmation)
Be firm but understanding. Stick to your guns while validating, even though his comments will probably border on the ridiculous.
"I'm sorry but I can't continue doing this. You are sleeping with someone else and I respect myself too much to open myself up to catching an STD. And this is just emotionally draining for me, I can't handle the roller coaster anymore. It's time to bring this to an end."
Actions also speak louder than words.
Only you know where your boundaries are. You can set them where ever you want. It is all about how you let other people treat you. How you teach people how to treat you. Your boundaries are to protect you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C's comments are great if you want to continue having sex.
You can use those words even if you have no intention on having sex with him in the foreseeable future.
I assume you want him back All is fair in love and war. Have fun playing with his emotions. Keeping him confused and thinking of you should be part of your "new personality".
What works is counter intuitive.
It is going to be a long ride and there are no guarantees.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C's comments are great if you want to continue having sex.
You can use those words even if you have no intention on having sex with him in the foreseeable future.
I do like the "I will not live in an open relationship" approach, but the rest of it is just leading him on, implying if he does X and then Y and then Z that he'll be rewarded with sex which is disingenuous if she has no interest in continuing to have sex with him. That's what I meant. The LBS should take the moral high road, no lying or leading him on even though it may feel justified in the face of his behavior.
I have known over the last few months, that it means nothing to him, my disrespect was in the toilet. I am going to set this boundary and stick to it, and the first time h comes to me with any promises. His actions must speak louder to me thanks words. I already don't believe half of what he says, it's all to make h feel less guilty.
I am owing my failings within my m, until h does there is no chance for us. I am working on me and have been before the bd happened. All h says is that I couldn't do it for him in the marriage.
I will walk this path, I will not leave my m. I am still faithful and loyal wife.
All you can do is focus on yourself SoloUK. That is all we can do. I will be focusing on myself and my kids. You are valuable. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally. More power to you for remaining in your M. I stayed until my EXWW finally pulled the trigger on D. I didn't stop her at all. I didn't delay her. She got what she wants, which is a life without me.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I am focused on myself and my kids. I am GAL and enjoying it.
I am committed to my M, icing take those vows in jest, but I will not stop h if he wants to d. At this moment he doesnt, I don't know if it's a mlc, don't like to put labels on it. Think h was and is always searching for something? What that is I have no idea.
All I can do is follow my path, it is easier to not contact him, now he has left our home, I only message him with kids stuff. Not that this is easy for me, desperately have a million thoughts that I want to ask hi., But no r talks unless brought up by h.
Reading all the validation cheat sheets, reminding myself not to interrupt when he speaks (I am terrible for that). Also not to turn the conversation to I (I do this, you should try). It's his journey as well.
