Thank you R2C. I was charged with that obligation from their birth to my death. I cringe at some of the mistakes I have made (re discipline, etc) but every moment with them provides a new opportunity to get it right.
Update:
I just received a draft separation agreement from my L that we want in place before I move out next month to protect me financially and custody-wise. Hopefully we can get a full settlement agreement done before I move but it does not seem likely at this point at the pace things are moving. L says the separation agreement is rock solid and we are also strategizing on how to ultimately get the custody schedule I want.
W has continued to show no signs of a desire to R and wants to get on with division of assets, property etc. No problem. I won't be rushed but I won't unnecessarily delay. L says we probably have 2-3 months of wrangling before we get a final deal in place, assuming no litigation over custody schedules.
I am working on month 9 post-BD, all IHS, and the thought of my own space is fantastic. I think reality will hit during the moving process, and I will miss my house. It's going to be a little rocky but I will power through. The kids are excited to have a new place, but I am expecting them to miss their mom and that there will be some initial issues with homesickness when the move is done. I am going to have to read up on the specific sitch of kids in Daddy's new house, away from Mommy, to get some pointers and insight on the issues that will arise. I'm not dreading the impact on the kids as much as I was dreading telling them about the D, but I am concerned about how they will fare in the new place.
I'm not dreading the impact on the kids as much as I was dreading telling them about the D, but I am concerned about how they will fare in the new place.
What did you tell the kids and how did they take it? sorry if you already covered this earlier in your thread.
If it's anything, I too had those same feelings. My children, at the age they are, took to the transition better than I thought. I think as the LBS, I may have made things more accommodating for them when the kids were with me on my week. It was still tough. I did consider getting professional help for my younger son, but things are turning out for the better.
You're doing a helluva job taking care of what you need to.
I also believe you will find a lot of relief when you are physically separated and you will continue to make the best of it and be a great dad for your kids.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I'm not dreading the impact on the kids as much as I was dreading telling them about the D, but I am concerned about how they will fare in the new place.
What did you tell the kids and how did they take it? sorry if you already covered this earlier in your thread.
We sat them down and told them we were getting D'd but provided no reason, we just focused on the fact that they would still live in the house, go to the same school, same friends and activities, etc., just that mommy and daddy would be living in separate houses, so they would have 2 homes. And we told them that we would all still be living together for awhile (been 4 months now since we told them and i'm still IHS).
My 7 yr old cried for awhile and had to be comforted, have to say it was pretty painful to watch. My 4 yr old wasn't fazed at all. W cried, I did not. I honestly wasn't even close to crying. I got misty from time to time in the weeks prior to BDing the kids, just worrying about it, but I was solid in the moment and after and since. I'm glad we have passed that milestone in this shytty process.
If it's anything, I too had those same feelings. My children, at the age they are, took to the transition better than I thought. I think as the LBS, I may have made things more accommodating for them when the kids were with me on my week. It was still tough. I did consider getting professional help for my younger son, but things are turning out for the better.
You're doing a helluva job taking care of what you need to.
I also believe you will find a lot of relief when you are physically separated and you will continue to make the best of it and be a great dad for your kids.
Thanks a lot Adam, it is always great to get input from someone who has already traveled the road ahead of me.
I have moments from time to time where I think "is this really happening?" I am thinking that as I type this. And now I have a smile on my face as I say "yes it is really happening, this is real life". Smiling not because it's a happy thing, but because smiling makes me feel better. And despite my sitch I do have a pretty great life and a lot to be very happy about. And I am ALIVE and get to experience life, whereas I have some good friends who are not alive anymore. I believe they would trade places with me if they could.
Life is beautiful and W cannot change that for me, she does not dictate my happiness. I am going to continue to enjoy everything that life offers, navigate shytty times like this with as much grace and calm as possible, keep my eye on the bigger picture, and continue to work on self-improvement and being a better man, father, son, brother, nephew, cousin, friend, employee and relationship partner. This is my life, I don't believe in reincarnation so this is my one shot at living on Earth, I will not waste any precious time letting W or the D bring me down. The future is wide open.
As we continue on a path to physical separation, I am scarcer and scarcer in communications with W. Once the kids are down for the night I am out with a GAL activity 50% of the time and absorbed in a project or task if I am home. 95% of all our interactions are in front of one or both kids, and there is no nastiness coming out of her. She saves that for when we are 1 on 1, so I have all but eliminated that scenario by my scarcity and being busy busy busy.
We did have an interaction a few nights ago about selling the house, and W spewed snide commentary about my home repair skills. I told her I have no interest in listening to her insulting comments, and that we can continue the conversation at a later time when she can interact with me like an adult. I then left the room to go work on a task.
W followed me and angrily said "why are you so angry? why are you running away and hiding? you are so sensitive, you get butthurt so easily" etc etc. I thought it was funny that she was angrily asking me why I was so angry, especially when I was stone faced calm. I said "I'm not angry and I'm not butthurt, I just have enough self-esteem to not sit there and listen to you insult me. I don't have a second of time for you when you speak to me like that. Let me know when you think you can stop with the snide comments, and we can try again later."
This interaction is a great example of how W's mind works - she can say anything to me and cloak it in the "i'm just being blunt/honest/not sugar coating" excuse. She can therefore never be out of line in what she says, and if I don't like it i'm just too sensitive or butthurt. I am at the point where I find it funny in a macabre way.
We did have an interaction a few nights ago about selling the house, and W spewed snide commentary about my home repair skills. I told her I have no interest in listening to her insulting comments, and that we can continue the conversation at a later time when she can interact with me like an adult. I then left the room to go work on a task.
W followed me and angrily said "why are you so angry? why are you running away and hiding? you are so sensitive, you get butthurt so easily" etc etc. I thought it was funny that she was angrily asking me why I was so angry, especially when I was stone faced calm. I said "I'm not angry and I'm not butthurt, I just have enough self-esteem to not sit there and listen to you insult me. I don't have a second of time for you when you speak to me like that. Let me know when you think you can stop with the snide comments, and we can try again later."
Great, you handled that perfectly! She's probably wondering "who is this person?" And that's a good thing!
We did have an interaction a few nights ago about selling the house, and W spewed snide commentary about my home repair skills. I told her I have no interest in listening to her insulting comments, and that we can continue the conversation at a later time when she can interact with me like an adult. I then left the room to go work on a task.
W followed me and angrily said "why are you so angry? why are you running away and hiding? you are so sensitive, you get butthurt so easily" etc etc. I thought it was funny that she was angrily asking me why I was so angry, especially when I was stone faced calm. I said "I'm not angry and I'm not butthurt, I just have enough self-esteem to not sit there and listen to you insult me. I don't have a second of time for you when you speak to me like that. Let me know when you think you can stop with the snide comments, and we can try again later."
Great, you handled that perfectly! She's probably wondering "who is this person?" And that's a good thing!
LOL yeah the old me would have sat there with her and defended and argued. It is so much more effective to avoid doing that reactive type of response and instead just calmly maintain boundaries. I used to defend my boundaries with a flamethrower, now I am placid as a lake on a windless day.
