13 years and 2 kids pt. 5

[Hurt213]

Just a bit of spinning .

So just scrolling through FB before bedtime, and I stumble upon a post from a friend of mine. As I am about to make a comment, I see that my ex has commented on the picture already (I have unfriended her for my own sanity), and curiosity got the better of me so....

I went to her page, and saw that she had befriended several family members of OMs. I then realized that, the fact that she has been introduced to them, the fact that we are splitting up our assets tomorrow, and the fact that she has been generally happy ever since BD is probably a sign that this is the right thing after all.

I felt uncomfortable, and saw what should had been my future pass by my eyes on that screen, but that lasted very briefly. I think my only real concern about all of this is, that I dont like the OM because of the way all this panned out, and him being around my kids really gets to me (I know thats nothing I can change, but I feel it none the less). And also the fact that my kids are so small, and have to deal with new step siblings and step grandparents and what not all of a sudden. I think they are most likely nice people, its not about that - Its more like the insane amount of stress it puts on my little humans most likely.

I have dropped the rope, and I understand that what we were, is no longer, and she has chosen a new life for herself. I say, live it and be happy - I just can't but help journaling a bit about my emotions in all of this, mostly on behalf of my kids and the concerns I have for them.

Hope it makes sense.

[Wanted1]

Hurt, I feel for you. I really do. It [censored] having to watch them walk away and into someone's life and their family all while dragging your own flesh and blood along with them. I haven't gotten to that point, yet, but I'm sure its on the horizon.

I've already made the decision that I will never, ever, respect my exWW AP. They can be each other's soulmates and live happily ever after for the next 50+ years but that doesn't mean I have to respect him for what he did to my family. If they would have went about it the right way, it would be different. If my exWW finds someone else she wants to share her life with, I'll respect him. But I refuse to respect a "man" who knowingly engaged in an A with a married woman. After he spent a weekend with me and my family over the 4th of July last summer, he doesn't have the excuse that he didn't know what he was doing. That's the part that irritates me the worst.

I've dropped the rope, as well. I'm fine with where we are at in our lives even though its still saddening to realize that my kids won't have parents, together, as a family unit. I believe that we can drop the rope with regard to our ex's but still not be "ok" with them being together with their AP. Maybe I'm wrong, but I really don't feel the two are linked together.

Take care!

[IHCLACS]

Opportunistic monkey branching at its finest. It s*cks it hurts, it hurts to see your kids with another family. All your work, sacrifice, commitment, dedication, future etc, play into someone else's hands, and they get to reap what you sowed.

My first GF, she had a half sister, and a mother that went through 3 different husbands, creating three different marriages and families that all failed. Her own mother, when I met her, actually threw her out at 19 over something petty. She was forced to make her own way and fend for herself. I can tell you that sometimes these blended families work, but most of the time they don't in the long run. Ironically, my 1st GF was my first real heartbreak, and first time I was cheated on. I really thought she was a good girl. I started working night shift for two weeks, she had an EA online, actually went through the trouble of flying a random stranger halfway across the country, put him up in a hotel, slept with him, and then dumped me. They are happily married today with 2 kids. Also ironically about a year ago, I contacted her over FB messenger (With W's permission and knowledge, just asking how her life turned out. W and I never had an issue with this, as long as respectful boundaries were maintained.) The XGF apologized to me for the treatment 17 years ago and asked for forgiveness, in which I forgave her. I announced my first son and that I was happily married. She updated me on her family status and we left it at that. (Little did I know I would be BD'd one year later, by another "good girl" from a good family who I never expected to turn on me. My W.) Another EA in the making, and a soft MLC, or transition.

Sometimes I have to really look in the mirror and ask myself? Is it me? Am I attracting these people into my life because of who I am, how I behave, and what I do? Have I been making the same mistakes for the past 20 years in relationships, only improving a little? I know Im awesome fun and exciting to be around, but there is another side to me that is somewhat difficult to live with due to my frustrations at times.

I have never given up on a relationship, (long beyond the expiration date and toxicity of it.) and I have never cheated, and I don't believe in Divorce. Im starting to ask myself? Maybe I should? There are a lot of things I need to change, and am working on. But I will never put my morals, my principles, my values, and especially my self worth into the trusted hands of another woman again. (It would take a really special woman that understood what happiness, real love, real commitment, real integrity, real communication and problem solving .) Don't ever stop improving yourself, love yourself first and foremost.

I know this may or may not help, but know that you have your honor, your integrity, and your values to stand not only for family, for your children, for marriage, and for yourself. I know it doesn't keep you warm at night, but you will be able to hold your head high again. One day your WW will have to answer to someone, or possibly your children, regardless of what justified her actions. Feelings are great to guide you in life, but should never control your life, so I am learning.

[Hurt213]

Journaling a bit:

Just hit the couch after a 12 hour work day and I am beat.

My ex was at our house today with the kids, and we had decided to divide our assets when the kids were sleeping.

I must admit, sitting in my car on my way home, I dont know why I thought it would be a great idea to do this tonight after 12 hours of work, but she insisted because she "needs to know what to buy to the new place", so we got it done.

It was not really a problem dividing the assets. I told her, that I was not about to give her all my stuff for free, but basically I only had emotions invested in pictures, and the rest was basically just dead stuff that I would replace if needed, and I just wanted a fair economical divide. We made that happen and that was that. Done deal.

She told me about a funeral she had to attend today, while I was making a sandwich. I stopped making the sandwich and listened to her. She is a teacher and one of her young students mother died last week, and apparently she attended the funeral. She told how hard it had been, and the little girl had come over and hugged her... She was crying, and I felt bad for her, and then I felt glad for me... Why ? Because I felt bad for her, because the situation is really really sad, however not an inch in me had the desire to go and hold her and try and fix her. I just validated her emotions and told her as a closer "Ex, I am sure that was a really horrible experience, I can understand how that must have been really hard on you". I am mind reading a tad, but her body language really looked like she was expecting me to come over - No thank you .

As we were speaking my phone went off with some snaps and a few messages on the messenger app. She then said, wow someone sure is popular these days.... I chose not to respond - heck, dont even know what I would had said lol.

All in all, things are just great....

Still a little battle in my mind with the fact that she is a part of OMs extended family life now, which means serious business. This means I got more work to do on me. Other than that, happy life.

[Hurt213]

A bit of journaling on my own thread.


Things are progressing nicely with the house. We have 3 interested buyers who are currently "feeling out" what they want to offer, and one concrete offer that was too low for us to consider - I am pretty confident about the house being gone soon.

I am having a really easy time keeping my PMA in check, and I dont experience any significant spinning these days.

Basically I am having my picnic, and I like it. My ex is deep inside the castle, and she called me yesterday to ask about the summer holidays (parent schedule), because she is going on a vacation with her boyfriend. <-- So that actually got to me a little. Mainly because we have been struggling with my depression and the fact that we have two toddlers, so we haven't been going on vacations, but mainly been staying in our own country, and had agreed to do these things now when the kids were older.

So yea, that made me feel like my life was overtaken by someone else, but im alright. Its those little things that I just need to deal with when they come around. I am taking the kids on a vacation, and have been saving up for that for a while now, so I am exited.

I can't help but feel like, she is neglecting the kids a little, and thats just stupid of me. She is taking them on a 3 day trip, and thats basically what they will get to experience (I can't help but have a sour feeling of her spending so much money on trips for herself, and then the kids are left with scraps) - However thats emotional me. The logical me knows that my kids will have a great time with their mom, and that they will enjoy their holiday with her, no matter what they do and where they are.

So where does that leave me? Well I guess I am currently a bit scared of the unknown. Not the unknown that my ex is no longer a part of, but just the fact, that I feel like I have to start all over and I need to learn how to walk. I have been crawling for a while, and now its time for me to rise up, and see if my feet can carry my new self.

I am still in the gym 5 times a week, I am running, I am playing golf and I am socializing with my friends.

So here are the things I currently struggle with, and the things I am talking with my IC about - maybe you can help me further along.

Still spinning occasionally with above mentioned stuff. Things we were supposed to do now, that we were finally able to, and now she is off doing that with someone else.

I lost most of my social circle when I became depressed, and I am realizing that I need to make new friends and reactivate old ones. Thats definitely hard for me. Most of our mutual friends have continued to socialize with my ex and her new OM, and since I am single, well I am just not that much fun on couples nights, so most of those are not someone I talk to much or do anything with these days.


So yea, I got work cut out for me .

[SoloFlex]

You got this man, I believe in you.

-SoloFlex

[AnotherStander]

Well I guess I am currently a bit scared of the unknown.

Fear of the unknown is definitely a big part of what we all go through. My way of dealing with that was this- I searched back in my past and thought about the things I had always been worried about and asked myself A) if worrying had changed anything about it and B) if my worrying was justified, IE- had the things actually happened. It was a big fat "nope" to both. Then I asked myself what life-changing things had happened to me, like BD, and whether I had ever worried about those things. Again- nope. So basically I worried about crap that wasn't even going to ever be an issue, and the stuff I should have worried about wasn't even on my radar. Conclusion- life is unpredictable, there's no point in worrying about things. Just take life a day at a time and when it throws bad things your way then deal with them as they come.

I also have a completely different approach towards planning for the future. I had concrete plans before BD that of course were completely flipped upside down after. So I have a plan now but I'm mindful that my plan needs to remain flexible because you never know what may happen.

I am still in the gym 5 times a week, I am running, I am playing golf and I am socializing with my friends.

Awesome!

Still spinning occasionally with above mentioned stuff. Things we were supposed to do now, that we were finally able to, and now she is off doing that with someone else.

Are you really spinning, or is it just upsetting you a little? It doesn't sound like you are spinning, it's not displacing you from your path like it might have months ago. Being upset is perfectly fine and normal, own it! Let yourself be upset, process the feelings and keep moving forward.

I lost most of my social circle when I became depressed, and I am realizing that I need to make new friends and reactivate old ones. Thats definitely hard for me. Most of our mutual friends have continued to socialize with my ex and her new OM, and since I am single, well I am just not that much fun on couples nights, so most of those are not someone I talk to much or do anything with these days.

After BD it helps to make some new friends and get back in touch with old ones just to keep your mind off things. But once you heal and move on then you may not feel the need for that as much and that is OK. I did a ton of socializing after my XW left, but don't do nearly as much these days. When I have downtime I tinker with sculpting which I enjoy immensely even though it's a solitary activity. Do what works for you. I am all for pushing yourself outside your comfort zone after BD, but you're nearly a year past that so you're probably settling into your "new normal".

[neffer]

So there you are Hurt, standing on your feet.

What you are fearing is what we all fear. Do not feel overwhelmed by it. Read what AS posted above.
Just don´t be harsh on yourself. There´s no need of that. Not only it´s unnecessary but it also puts you on a vulnerable place. What for?

Fear of the unknown is definitely a big part of what we all go through. My way of dealing with that was this- I searched back in my past and thought about the things I had always been worried about and asked myself A) if worrying had changed anything about it and B) if my worrying was justified, IE- had the things actually happened. It was a big fat "nope" to both. Then I asked myself what life-changing things had happened to me, like BD, and whether I had ever worried about those things. Again- nope. So basically I worried about crap that wasn't even going to ever be an issue, and the stuff I should have worried about wasn't even on my radar. Conclusion- life is unpredictable, there's no point in worrying about things. Just take life a day at a time and when it throws bad things your way then deal with them as they come.

Do what works for you. I am all for pushing yourself outside your comfort zone after BD, but you're nearly a year past that so you're probably settling into your "new normal".

Live into the present time my friend, face the future with hope and dignity. Your kids are there.

I feel like I have to start all over and I need to learn how to walk. I have been crawling for a while, and now its time for me to rise up, and see if my feet can carry my new self.

So there you are Hurt, standing on your feet.

Start walking brother!

((((((((((H))))))))))

[DejaVu6]

I totally get what you are going through Hurt. My STBXH and I spent much of our marriage under financial stress and were looking forward to finally being able to do things like take vacations with our kids and each other. Following our first BD in 2014, he even backed out of a trip to Hawaii that I ended up going on alone. So when he took his affair to Hawaii a day after our 12th anniversary, yeah, that bugged me for sure - especially when he was paying for it with money that I gave him in our settlement. So it bothered me but I didn’t send me spinning and I took our kids and his mom to San Diego and had a great time. I also told myself that I have other vacations ahead of me in the future...with our kids and hopefully with a significant other as well. The future is unknown but it is also exciting... not to know or think we know what lies ahead. Embrace the uncertainty of it...live your life for you...make your future a great one!!!

I know it doesn’t always feel that way but you are doing great Hurt. Keep acting as if...eventually you won’t need to act anymore. (((HUGS)))

[Hurt213]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Much appreciated, and it was immensely helpful reading, and it made me realize, that actually I am not spinning, it is, as you speculated AS - just me reacting to the process, and me dealing with emotions in regards to things dying and ending. And thats fine, its a process that I need to undertake, and I am on that path, knowing that everything will be fine again.

Today was shift day, and boy have I missed my kids. We have a house showing tomorrow, so I came home early in order to fix the garden and my ex stayed and fixed the indoor so its ready for tomorrow. One of my 180s are to be more upbeat and cheerful as I have been really easily aggravated and not been very nice when things went wrong (thanks depression). However, today I wont say I slipped, but I fell back in the pattern.

Basically I was mowing the lawn, and my son 2 was looking at me from the panorama windows in the living room. My ex was watching the kids, because she is leaving for a week with OM, and wont be able to see them, and thats fine. However I look away, minding my own business for a minute, and when I look at the window, S2 has somehow caught hold on the curtain string (they are tied up high, so they are not reachable normally), however they were around his head and throat, although loose, I saw the mental image of him falling or running, and yea you get the picture. So I ran to the window and hammered on it. Ex was in the kitchen texting on her phone. So I yelled, What the hell? and gave her a frustrated look. She just smiled with an arrogant face, like "relax, Hurt, seriously......" I just know exactly how that episode would had went down, had it been her mowing the lawn and me watching the kids...

Basically shows the lack of respect these days - Dont really care come to think of it, I reacted because I love my kids, and she was too busy doing anything but watch them, so come to think of it, I like how I reacted, and thats it.

I finished up outdoors, and then packed some bags for the kids, and took them to the swimming pool.

The kids are doing alright, but its really really hard for them when we do the exchange, and they cry and really take about a day to normalize - its the hardest part for me right now.

Other than that, I have been resonating a lot about my future recently, and two things are currently stuck with me; Dejavu's reply to my thread regarding the fact that the future is unknown to us, and how exiting it is, that we are on an adventure with unfamiliar people we will meet, and unfamiliar places we will experience. I like that!

Then also the way of life in regards to living mindful (concentrating on the positives in my life in present time) as opposed to living mindfull (filling my head with all the obstacles that I need to deal with in the future - I deal with what I can presently, because I can't touch tomorrow, thats yet to come, and I can't change yesterday, cause thats in the past.


Only thing keeping me back from fully letting go of my ex is this fkin house really... It keeps me in limbo, and it keeps me in contact with my ex way more than I want to - So I just can't WAIT for it to sell.