Settling In (LB55 Thread 3)

[LB55]

Thanks all, I will work at differentiating between how she feels and how it comes across. It is difficult to see the feeling when being accused of horrendous things. I will work on it.

I took last night off from any communication with her, even though I have a large text message that she wrote to me that says she never liked camping, fishing, or any of the other things we used to do together. That she needs someone who can value her more than I will ever be able to and that we have no options but this path. I disagree that we have no other options, and I'm doing what I can to increase my value as a man and that will help me with whomever I wind up with going forward. Her or someone else.

I can say that my interpersonal relationships with others are improving based on me practicing better communication, non-defensive listening, and validation skills. Men and women both. I am trying to pay more attention to how others validate my statements as well, and to ask myself if I am seeking validation or just telling how I feel/what I want. I can see that I've sought validation from others, especially my W in the past, and that really just led to a validation competition. I did X! Yeah well I did X, Y, and Z! Yeah well I did those and 1, 2, 3! That type of one-upsmanship scenario just never works out well. I didn't see it as that then, but can see how it drives people away and doesn't validate anyone's feelings. People just want to be heard.

One of her former friends told me that was why they weren't friends anymore; my W always had to have the last word and always had to have a bigger and better sob story about why her life was more difficult than someone else. A complete lack of validation of their feelings. In this scenario we both thought the other people were the problem, I can see now that is untrue. I thought it was awfully strange that when I deployed all of her neighborhood friends just stopped hanging out and inviting her over. She was very hurt and felt abandoned. I can see how it happened now looking back. She told me she was going to be very mad if I returned and they started wanting to hang out again. I recall wondering why she would be mad because people wanted to spend time with me.

[unchien]

I have a large text message that she wrote to me that says she never liked camping, fishing, or any of the other things we used to do together. That she needs someone who can value her more than I will ever be able to and that we have no options but this path. I disagree that we have no other options, and I'm doing what I can to increase my value as a man and that will help me with whomever I wind up with going forward. Her or someone else.

Oof... that text almost sounds like one to just let lie....but as I'm trying to work on validation myself, let me give it a crack.

First of all, ignore "we have no options but this path." She's begging for a response here, ignore it. She is not expressing a feeling, so you don't need to validate. She is expressing an opinion, and hoping you take the bait and defend.

LB: "Gee that sounds awful to feel so bored for so long. It must be difficult to have your needs go unsatisfied."

I'm sure one of the vets here can craft something better.

[LB55]

[quote=LB55]I have a large text message that she wrote to me that says she never liked camping, fishing, or any of the other things we used to do together. That she needs someone who can value her more than I will ever be able to and that we have no options but this path. I disagree that we have no other options, and I'm doing what I can to increase my value as a man and that will help me with whomever I wind up with going forward. Her or someone else.

Oof... that text almost sounds like one to just let lie....but as I'm trying to work on validation myself, let me give it a crack.

Yes I could choose to let it lie. My goals right now are to open lines of communication with her and start to restore some trust between us. I believe that not replying will not help me meet either of those goals.

I may choose to reply selectively, not addressing the things that are untrue, but I will validate her feelings without agreeing or admitting to her accusations.

Good for you to practice validation! We can all use to work on it, Lord knows its a contributor to why we are all here.

I was thinking something along the lines of "It must have been terrible to not feel like you could tell me the truth for all these years. I can see we like different activities. What are some activities would you choose to do?"

[SoTorn]

I honestly wouldnt even reply to that. Its not a direct question or of anything important. She is literally just putting you down and rewriting history. Just like when my EXWW tells me that I ised her and our entire MR was sh*t.

Not even worth the effort to respond to something so blatantly hurtful and untrue.

[AnotherStander]

I'm not willing to wait 2 years under her thumb legally. I want to be able to move forward, buy a house, find my rhythm, know my financial situation, and want to be able to say yes if someone comes into my life that I want to date without feeling morally wrong. Basically I want the certainty that comes with a finalized document.

And that is a 100% valid reason to pursue D. I found myself in that place 5 +/- years ago and I was the one that pushed the D through.

Yesterdays text message scolded me for not honoring her on Mothers Day with gifts. I sent her a nice text that wished her a happy mothers day with the kids. I don't feel like getting her gifts is something I should be doing to earn respect.

You are correct, and if she doesn't like it then just remind her she fired you as H.

Ok so I'm confused here. I don't see how to validate her telling me how I feel when I don't feel that way. If she said "I feel like you hate me." I can validate that because its her feelings. "I know you hate me." is not her feelings. How does she know I hate her? She can't possibly know what's in my head. The latter seems like the psychological concept of projection to me. She hates herself, but would rather have me agree because then its not her fault.

I get what you are saying, technically "I know you hate me" is expressing mind-reading rather than feelings. But keep in mind you are dealing with someone that is highly emotionally charged right now. So here are two scenarios:

Non-validating:

I know you hate me.
No, I don't hate you.
Yes you do, I can tell.
No I don't, why do you think that.
I can tell you hate me.
Etc. etc. etc. ARGUMENT!

OR... validating:

I know you hate me.
You think I hate you, that sounds very frustrating, I'm sorry that our situation makes you feel that way.
Oh. Well maybe "hate" is a strong word.

The whole idea of validation is to diffuse the situation before it escalates. You're not AGREEING with what she is saying, but more importantly, you are not DISAGREEING.

So I know not to argue with her, but I am still confused on the validation of feelings vice her statements that don't reflect how I actually feel, or what I was thinking, or why I did something. How does she "know" how I feel without asking me?

Obviously she doesn't. But even though she may not be saying the exact work "feel" or "feelings", that is still what she is expressing. Grammatically yes, "I know you hate me" and "I feel like you hate me" have different meanings. But in WAS-land they mean the exact same thing.

"You intentionally didn't fix the throttle on my car because you wanted me to die in a wreck and collect the insurance money for yourself." I just straight up disagree with that, I can't see how she would think that, and I certainly never had premeditated collecting insurance money. This is an actual thing I was accused of by her. If I validate her statement, then she says "I can't believe you intentionally did that to someone you loved!" Does she see validation as agreement with her statement?

Like unchien said, you're not agreeing with her, just acknowledging her feelings are real. If you validate properly, you're not accepting blame for anything. Yail's response is perfect:

"I see how having a vehicle with a broken throttle would be a very scary experience. I agree, that is not a vehicle anyone should be driving until it is properly fixed".

You are not accepting blame, or really even acknowledging the blame she injected into the convo. But you are acknowledging her feelings, and agreeing with her FEELINGS, not with the BLAME.

I took last night off from any communication with her, even though I have a large text message that she wrote to me that says she never liked camping, fishing, or any of the other things we used to do together. That she needs someone who can value her more than I will ever be able to and that we have no options but this path. I disagree that we have no other options, and I'm doing what I can to increase my value as a man and that will help me with whomever I wind up with going forward. Her or someone else.

Keep in mind you are no longer her H. You don't have to validate EVERYTHING. You don't even have to reply to everything, and in fact, shouldn't. I agree with the others that the best response to this is no response. Now if she said it to you face-to-face you're kind of forced into some kind of response, so a validating response would be something like "I can understand why you would feel that way." Just short and to the point. No arguing, no objecting, no agreeing or disagreeing.

I can say that my interpersonal relationships with others are improving based on me practicing better communication, non-defensive listening, and validation skills. Men and women both. I am trying to pay more attention to how others validate my statements as well, and to ask myself if I am seeking validation or just telling how I feel/what I want. I can see that I've sought validation from others, especially my W in the past, and that really just led to a validation competition. I did X! Yeah well I did X, Y, and Z! Yeah well I did those and 1, 2, 3! That type of one-upsmanship scenario just never works out well. I didn't see it as that then, but can see how it drives people away and doesn't validate anyone's feelings. People just want to be heard.

Exactly right, very good insight!

One of her former friends told me that was why they weren't friends anymore; my W always had to have the last word and always had to have a bigger and better sob story about why her life was more difficult than someone else.

People like her are hard to be around for sure. Validation with her types are purely a one-way road. You validate and validate and get nothing in return. It's good validation practice though, LOL! My girlfriend is not THAT bad, but has a similar princess mentality. Sometimes I get tired of validating her all the time and just pull back and give myself a break.

[LB55]

People like her are hard to be around for sure. Validation with her types are purely a one-way road. You validate and validate and get nothing in return. It's good validation practice though, LOL! My girlfriend is not THAT bad, but has a similar princess mentality. Sometimes I get tired of validating her all the time and just pull back and give myself a break.

Truer words have rarely been spoken. I need a break from validating. I will get it this weekend with the kids and my family.

She is just looking for a fight. She cornered my at little league last night to discuss repairs to the rental home. She hadn't mentioned repairs at all, so its not a matter of me avoiding the topic. I merely said that she should send me the receipts so I can view them. Somehow that devolved into her dictating what will happen and how much I owe, so I said that I don't feel like im being heard, we can continue this conversation at a later time and walked away.

She then sent me an apology and a proposal for paying for the repairs via text. I again asked for a receipt for the corrective maintenance. "What do you mean creative maintenance? You are attacking me again and I won't stand for it. What makes you think a 50/50 split of assets is going to happen? I won't consider anything until you send me in writing why you think this is appropriate."

I didn't mention anywhere a split of assets, this is about fixing the water heater and a few other things in a home in a different state. She read creative maintenance and assumed that I was belittling the maintenance that needed doing as unnecessary I think. I went back and read my message just so make sure I didn't get autocorrected or something, definitely says corrective maintenance.

If one goes looking for a fight, one will find said fight everytime.

Im not replying to her demands. Is this a let it go scenario, or a boundary setting one? 'I feel disrespected and unheard. If this tone continues, I will not continue this conversation.'

[AnotherStander]

Somehow that devolved into her dictating what will happen and how much I owe, so I said that I don't feel like im being heard, we can continue this conversation at a later time and walked away.

Perfect!

I again asked for a receipt for the corrective maintenance. "What do you mean creative maintenance? You are attacking me again and I won't stand for it. What makes you think a 50/50 split of assets is going to happen? I won't consider anything until you send me in writing why you think this is appropriate."

Did you point out to her that it said "corrective" and not "creative"? I agree it was a huge overreaction, but it sounds like she just misread it.

Did you not say earlier that she gets 100% of the proceeds from the rental properties? I'm curious why she thinks you are obligated to pay part of the maintenance on them if she reaps all of the profits? That doesn't make sense.

Im not replying to her demands. Is this a let it go scenario, or a boundary setting one? 'I feel disrespected and unheard. If this tone continues, I will not continue this conversation.'

Yes I think it's both actually. Send a boundary response exactly like you described, then if she keeps sending rants then ignore them and don't reply.

[LB55]

I again asked for a receipt for the corrective maintenance. "What do you mean creative maintenance? You are attacking me again and I won't stand for it. What makes you think a 50/50 split of assets is going to happen? I won't consider anything until you send me in writing why you think this is appropriate."

Did you point out to her that it said "corrective" and not "creative"? I agree it was a huge overreaction, but it sounds like she just misread it.

I did not. I agree she mis-read it. However this happens quite often when she is agitated. She only hears and reads what she wants to, and doesn't actually get the information. One of her big gripes with me is that I correct her when she twists things around and puts words in my mouth. She will figure it out on her own that she is over-reacting.

When she goes looking for a fight, she will poke me like this until I lash out. I understand that I can't do that, it was never appropriate, and its not happening anymore. She isn't getting the expected response, so she is poking me harder.

I also noticed last night in our verbal conversation that she is emulating me with validation...except she doesn't know how to actually validate...
H: "I understand how you could feel that way. It must be tough dealing with all of the home repairs."
W: "I understand how you could feel that way. But you are wrong. Here is why I am right. Just accept it and this will be easier for both of us."

Did you not say earlier that she gets 100% of the proceeds from the rental properties? I'm curious why she thinks you are obligated to pay part of the maintenance on them if she reaps all of the profits? That doesn't make sense.

Yep she does. She pays for regular upkeep and so forth. Pressure washing, etc...I did agree in the temp orders that if any major repairs came up we would split the repair costs. It benefits us both in the end to keep the property up to par and rented. My problem isn't splitting the costs, its that she doesn't want to show me the data, instead demanding dollar amounts be paid while she keeps track of everything in a tracker that only she has access to.

Im not replying to her demands. Is this a let it go scenario, or a boundary setting one? 'I feel disrespected and unheard. If this tone continues, I will not continue this conversation.'

Yes I think it's both actually. Send a boundary response exactly like you described, then if she keeps sending rants then ignore them and don't reply.

Ok that makes sense. Thanks AS.

[LB55]

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