"if I had known pre-D filing I could have prevented the D filing" then you said "I am focusing on my own acceptance of the situation and letting go of control"
MLCxH, one of the most important things in DBing is to be consistent. Be consistent in action. Be consistent in principle. Be consistent in thinking.
Difference is pre-D filing I did not know about MLC. What I mean is had I known about her MLC I would have not put pressure and that would have prevented the D filing. Possible she may have filed later anyway but not knowing then what I know now contributed to this
"if I had known pre-D filing I could have prevented the D filing" then you said "I am focusing on my own acceptance of the situation and letting go of control"
MLCxH, one of the most important things in DBing is to be consistent. Be consistent in action. Be consistent in principle. Be consistent in thinking.
Difference is pre-D filing I did not know about MLC. What I mean is had I known about her MLC I would have not put pressure and that would have prevented the D filing. Possible she may have filed later anyway but not knowing then what I know now contributed to this
Ah ok. However, my original point stands. You should not be doing anything, or not doing anything, to try to manipulate an action from her. WASs are notoriously sharp at sniffing out manipulation attempts. You shouldn't have applied pressure not because it would have prevented or from filing or not, but because it is the right thing to do. She has asked for space. Removing all pressure and pursuit gives her that. And allows you to focus on what you can focus on.
So while I agree that you should not have pressured her, it has nothing to do with whether or not she would have filed when she did.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One thing I've learned here so far is to battle the instinct to search for cause and effect. Toss reason out the window. You simply cannot explain (or control) the WAS's behavior, thoughts, words, or actions. This is Bizarro World.
DB primarily "works" for you and what you can control - your own self-improvement. It may tangentially improve your sitch with your WAS.
[quote=IronWill]Wow. I just learned a ton in these few posts. My W is at a similar point. 9 months in here. 2-3 months of full understanding on my part. My W is also in crisis, but I'm thinking she is MLC, WAS and/or perimenopause all combined. MIL has told me her 40s were bad - perimenopause through the roof. Hated husband for no good reason. She thinks could be the same with her D.
Quote
I forgot to mention my wife is at perimenopause also. Seems like a very similar situation. I also often wonder if my wife is in crisis due to a combination of the three.
Yes it's definitely a hard thing to deal with. It's been 9 months since I've seen it outwardly, but in the various mini BDs I got she said it had been anywhere between 1-1.5 yrs before that that she started to "change". I know hormonally things are changing for her. I've seen the confusion, the forgetfulness, the outright rage at one insignificant thing. I tiptoed around my house for half a year hoping it would improve or alleviate. Ive tried very nicely suggesting if she might want to think about perhaps getting a checkup in a round about way but that was way before the big BD happened and it was seen as me trying to control her or fix her.
There wasso much anger and fury before. Now its lingering resentment - and somehow she has convinced herself I am absolutely the cause of her unhappiness.
I am by no means perfect. I contributed my share of the problems in the R, I am in full acceptance of this. But I am under no illusion of what our MR was.
I estimate I'm at about year 2.5 of her "feeling not the same"
There wasso much anger and fury before. Now its lingering resentment - and somehow she has convinced herself I am absolutely the cause of her unhappiness.
From everything I have read the MLC rewriting the history of the marriage with the spouse as the villiam seems to be very common. Trying to talk logic or explain why they are wrong only makes things worse.
Originally Posted by IronWill
I am by no means perfect. I contributed my share of the problems in the R, I am in full acceptance of this. But I am under no illusion of what our MR was.
I used to feel the same way and think about how things could have been different if I had done things differently. But knowing that events in childhood pretty much guarantee an MLC in most cases I don't blame myself as much anymore. I was not perfect but I did not anything crazy. Even if I had changed some of the negatives she would have likely rewritten history to justify her decision anyways.
One question that I find difficult to understand. Many posts I read indicated that they either reach acceptance within 1 year of BD or else it increases to 2-5 years. On the other hand, there are posts that say it is a marathon and 1 year is too less. Can someone help shed some light on understanding this?
Is there a way to recognize her moving closer to acceptance based on changes? Do any of these indicate anything? If she did not respect me earlier but is showing more respect now. If her blaming me for everything has stopped or reduced If she starts talking about the good in the marriage instead of rewriting history as bad If she compliments me on looking better since the BD
One question that I find difficult to understand. Many posts I read indicated that they either reach acceptance within 1 year of BD or else it increases to 2-5 years. On the other hand, there are posts that say it is a marathon and 1 year is too less. Can someone help shed some light on understanding this?
Is there a way to recognize her moving closer to acceptance based on changes? Do any of these indicate anything? If she did not respect me earlier but is showing more respect now. If her blaming me for everything has stopped or reduced If she starts talking about the good in the marriage instead of rewriting history as bad If she compliments me on looking better since the BD
Is there a way to recognize her moving closer to acceptance based on changes? Do any of these indicate anything?
Even if there was a way, you shouldn't be looking for it. DBing while watching for "signs" never works. It is like watching a pot waiting for it to boil. You DB for you. For the changes it engenders in you. Never DB looking over your shoulder to see if she is watching.
If she did not respect me earlier but is showing more respect now.
You should command respect, never demand it. When disespect is shown you say "I will not tolerate this." Then walk away. Say it calmly without emotion. However, WAS waffle between disrespect and respect. Neither is a sign of anything other than how they are feeling and reacting at that moment.
If her blaming me for everything has stopped or reduced
Again this comes and goes. My WW would one minute remind me that I was a terrible husband. Then a half hour later admit that the problem was all on her end, that she was feeling things she didn't understand. Our sitches are long term states with day to day fluctuations. Never put any significance on the fluctuations. Getting too up over a positive fluctuation, or too down over a negative one will cause you to react in ways that set you back. It is anti to detachment. Avoid there temptation to take her temperature often to gauge how things might end up.
If she starts talking about the good in the marriage instead of rewriting history as bad If she compliments me on looking better since the BD
Think about when you broke up with a girlfriend in the past. Did you tell her "this was an awful relationship. I was not happy a single moment. And you're ugly and a terrible person!" Or did you highlight good times, and tell her she was attractive and would bounce back? WAS after the initial BD will sometimes go into the "let them down easy" mode. So how do you know if recognizing good times and compliments are real signs or letting you down easy? The answer is, you don't. And that's why you believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
The only "sign" that matters is consistent behavior over a long period of time. I'm talking months, and even years. When you can look back and realize she's been all in to the R for 12 months, or longer, then you can say you've turned the corner.
Marathon. Not a Sprint. Focus on you. Remove all focus from her.
Last edited by Steve85; 05/22/1912:21 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Many posts I read indicated that they either reach acceptance within 1 year of BD or else it increases to 2-5 years. On the other hand, there are posts that say it is a marathon and 1 year is too less. Can someone help shed some light on understanding this?
One year is not a common event. 2-5 is possible and I can tell you that my ex wife appeared to go through all the stages in the first year and then after that we got divorced and as far as I can tell 10 years later(now) she is still not done.
Timelines are a really bad idea.
Their are no guarantees, start living your life "as if" she is never coming back and then if she does you can worry about it at that point.
The only "sign" that matters is consistent behavior over a long period of time. I'm talking months, and even years. When you can look back and realize she's been all in to the R for 12 months, or longer, then you can say you've turned the corner.
Her behavior has actually been very consistent. For almost a year I did not hear one good thing that I had done for her. There were no short term fluctuations or letting me down easy. Everything that was said was about what I had done wrong. Two weeks ago was the first time she said something nice and there has been no negative comments since then. I know two weeks is a short time and I am not reading into it but it is a change nonetheless.
I am continuing to DB for myself not for her but I do need to decide how long I will stand and that is the only reason I am watching for signs. If it is going to take her 10 years, I don't think I will be standing that long
