Soon to separate, Possible WAW

[sandi2]

Quote
So I think I will take your advice and after our swim class in a couple days I will say “let’s drop off the baby with your mom and go get some food”.

That's rushing things too quickly, IMHO.

Well, I've tried giving her the benefit of doubt.........but considering her nasty behavior lately, I suggest you wait until she can speak to you like a decent human being. Here's the thing......inviting her to go somewhere with you alone, is pursuing. As a man, you don't pursue a woman who is critical, bossy, or bullying you.

I am curious how she would react.

It would strictly be based on whatever mood she was in at the moment. When she's pouting, angry b/c you didn't respond immediately or like she wanted.......then she probably wants to punish you. Therefore, don't invite her to join you with others, nor join you alone.

So yesterday there was minimal contact between my W and I. I got a text from her at 11pm. “Miss you”.

Ah! There it is! 11:00 at night, and she sends you a "Miss you" text. That, my dear friend, is a big ole temperature check. That's what a WW will do fairly often, b/c she's trying to get a read on your emotional attachment. If you were to respond by telling her how awful it is without her there with you, and how you wish she would come home.........she would know her Plan B was secure. Having a secure Plan B, means she can do whatever she feels like doing, and pretty much treat her H like garbage in the meantime. I mean, you didn't kick her out, she made the decision to leave. Then a couple of days later, sends "Miss you"?

I was busy GAL having beers with some girls and guys, so I didn’t reply.

Perfect!

Like 20 minutes later she sent another text. “Rude bye” I guess in response to me not responding instantly lol.

Absolutely!! She expects you to jump when she snaps her fingers. News Flash! She fired you, so she just looks extremely foolish trying to play the role of a W who is mad at her H b/c he wasn't sitting on his phone in case she texted him.

Hi Sandi, I thought you were uncertain if she was WW?

No, I said I was uncertain that there was another man at that point. I said she had all the makings of a WW.

Yeah it’s been like that lately, the only talks between us have been her requesting info on my son. Getting annoyed with it and should stop doing it. The one day I didn’t send a pic she completely ignored me the next day.

I would think you are familiar with how she works. I mean, she hasn't just started finding little ways to punish you when she didn't get her way. Look, if you are annoyed with it, then stop. It's that simple. Why let her manipulate you? If she is asking about the baby when he is with you, then it could be coming from a mother's heart missing her baby. You have to determine b/c you know the details. You should be able to tell if she is genuinely missing him, or if she just wants to bug you, as a means of keeping up with where you are, who else is there, and what you are doing.

I’ve started dating though, once again just for fun, I have 0 intention of a relationship at this point. There are definitely pluses and minues to this situation with more positives coming out when the separation began. Hopefully going out on first date tomorrow night.

Wow, that was fast! Just be very careful. It may be just for fun......for you, but whenever involving another person...... it's involving feelings.......so, you never know how things will go. Let me ask something, and be very honest, okay? Are you dating in hopes it will make your W jealous and want to reconcile?

W FaceTimed and texted 2 separate times today just for update on our S. I’m thinking I will create a boundary next time that I have him.

Like what? Try it out with us, first. I think you might want to be careful about not allowing her to check on the child. I don't want to repeat what I've already said, but please take into consideration he's a baby and it is hard when the mother spends nights away. I'm trying to give her some benefit of doubt again. There have been some WW's who abandoned their baby to be with some OM.

So I drop my son off at her apartment. She is bullshitting about whatever, small talk. I had GAL to attend to so I said I gotta go bye. She got all offended and asked if next weekend I was going out drinking with our mutual friends. I said yes. She then got pissed and I asked what was wrong. She got all pissy and said “just go”. No need to ask me twice, I’m not putting up with that sht so I left.

Okay.......you handled that pretty well. But know this.........she was probably acting pi$$y in order to get you to ask her what was wrong. And......if she's acting pi$$y and you ask her what is wrong, then expect a pi$$y response.

She shortly after texts me “I’m having a really hard time with this today” in regards to our separation. I validate but enforce boundary that if she talks to me how she did early, the conversation is over.

Okay, you gonna stick to it?

She started asking me if I was dating or looking for a Girl friend or what my intentions were. I told her it was no longer her business because she left me.

Call me cold, but I like it.

A few hours later I get more texts from her. It was a long conversation but I’ll highlight: she asked for us to do something together for our son for the 4th of July. I replied that I wasn’t sure yet. She got all pissy and asked why. I said, we are going to Disney land in a month for our Sons birthday and that I wanted to see how that goes first. She got pissed more and asked why. I replied that “ you fired me as a husband and so why should I do family/husband things with you”. She replied “well I see you in my long term”. Obvious BS cuz if she did we would be reconciling. I straight up asked her, what do you want? To which she gave an uncertain answer.

Good so far. Yeah, she's really using the child as her manipulation tool. Isn't he going to be a year old? And, going to Disney Land? Good luck!

In the evening I get even more texts from her. More sht about my S that wasn’t crucial information. I was a bit drunk from GAL and I don’t think I initiated but it went into R talk. It got pretty intense and she brought up her laundry list of my problems again. I validated but at the same time defended myself. She went deep into negating all our good times which I shut down. I know some of you guys say that it’s her perception right now but I’m not putting up with the bullsht. She said all our 7 years were [censored] and I fiercely debated this. She kept attacking me and accusing me of sleeping with her friends which I haven’t. Idk where she got the idea that I was. We kept arguing and she was saying sht that in my opinion was so far from the truth.

My suggestion is to set a rule for yourself, and don't talk with her when you've been drinking. When she starts attacking and accusing.......tell her this is not the time for this conversation and you are turning off the phone. You were in no condition to interact with her. What about the boundary you set earlier about shutting down the conversation if she talked that way to you again?

I’ve really dropped the rope and realized that I deserve to be treated better. I’ve been dating for fun and have gotten a lot of interest from other woman. Until my W directly says she wants to work on the M I’m gonna do my own thing.

You are reacting to all the stuff she said. It's easy to say you're dropping the rope when you are mad.

I don't doubt she is struggling with the separation, b/c things aren't going like she imagined. She is spoiled and she wants to be the center of your attention. Most W's want to feel they are their H's top priority. At the moment, she sounds like she is pushing your buttons to get the response she wants........and it's not happening, so she'll huff & puff some more. Of course, we are only hearing your side of the story. What would she say if she was telling us about the MR?

Okay, for now...... pull back some and cool down. Don't put something out there to her that you'll regret later. Try not to converse with her while you are upset.

[Hallzy9]

Hey LH and sandi, thanks for taking the time.

LH you are right. I do deserve better and to not be talked to like that. There’s no way I would R with my W with how she’s been acting. She definitely needs to do some inward looking.

Sandi, I’m glad to hear you approve of some of my interactions! You’re right I should know how she acts now and none of these behaviors should surprise me. No sandi I’m not dating to make my W jealous, I haven’t even mentioned it to her and don’t post stuff like that on social media. I think she just assumes I’m seeing people. Yes I need to be clear with the girls I’m talking to that I’m not looking for anything too serious for now. I’m mainly dating because a goal of mine was to meet new people and improve my socialization with strangers. It’s also fun to go to new places and try new foods as my GAL so might as well bring a pretty girl along haha.

You’re right I need to get better at stopping those conversations, they do no good. I think you’re absolutely right about the drinking. Need to not talk to her after drinking. Me being a little drunk definitely fed into that R talk. Need to get better in that aspect.

[sandi2]

Just a word of caution regrading you not deserving to be talked to disrespectfully. If she does it again, then call her out on it. But don't say to her, "I don't deserve to be talked to that way". That sounds too.......you know.....girly. It's one thing for us to tell YOU that you deserve that type of treatment, but it doesn't sound very masculine for you to put your hands on your hips, stomp your foot and say you don't deserve that type of treatment. Sorry, just had that image run through my head.

[SoTorn]

Your W is acting just like my EXWW was. I had to shut her down constantly on the disrespect. Eventually she slowed on the disrespect, but something would trigger her here and there.

The latest was her finding out about my much younger GF. Hey, what can I say, I met someone that I like and I am NOT passing that up. EXWW actually asked me to tell her about my GF. Uh, no. Told her thats none of her business. She got extremely pissy for about a week after that. I also suspect she got on my laptop and saw a picture of my GF.

Keep it up Hallzy!! You got this. You seem to be getting to the point where you see the writing on the wall, that people that treat you like sh*t don't deserve to be a part of your life or in your thoughts.

Indifference is the key. It sure pisses them off something fierce when you give them indifference. They love getting hate from you because that justifies them. They hate when you are just doing you and not focusing on them. Keep it up!

[Hallzy9]

From 5/30/19
Hey sandi and so torn, thanks for the input. I haven’t posted much because not much has been going on honestly.

Sandi hahaha yes i can see the image you are talking about. If she disrespects me again I will keep it simple and say don’t talk to me like that and end the conversation.

So torn,
Yeah absolutely man, I’ve gotten a lot of interest from quite a few girls and have been dating a few. They are kind and respectful, makes me wonder why I should deal with someone who gets randomly triggered with disrespect.

So yeah I guess update: been talking to many girls, going on dates the next few days as I have had my S the last few days. I was really worried at first about how much work I would have with my S, but I am learning that I can handle it without difficulty. Having a lot of fun with him.

On days I don’t have my S I’m still going nuts with GAL and have made quite a few new friends. Don’t really think about my W at all. I now live with my best friend and we have had a blast living together so far. When my S is not here it totally feels like an awesome bachelor pad lol.

The interactions with my W have been mostly about child care. She still seems to be planning family stuff together in the future even after our last R talk where I told her I was unsure if I wanted to do family things together. If she straight up asks I will probably say no. She hasn’t been disrespectful at all since that last R talk. She did a little playful flirting with me today. I may have reciprocated but I really wasn’t thinking about it.

The separation has made it way easier for me to detach and while I was hoping for R a few weeks ago, I am now leaning against it unless I see some very big self reflection and changes in my W. I’ll try to post again soon but to be honest there hasn’t been all that much to tell! Thanks everyone!


from 6/03/19
Hey hey, been a few days so just updating.

The past few days there has been basically no contact with W. I’m having a pretty good time! Dating and doing a lot with friends. I realized that I would turn down a lot of invitations and stuff because I knew W didn’t like me out and about. Been crazy busy with GAL. If I don’t have my son I’m basically never home now, and I’m really focking enjoying it.

Been trying to be like Jim Carey in Yes Man. It’s led to a lot more experiences and me doing a lot more things I would normally avoid. It feels fockin incredible!

A few nights ago my W was texting our mutual friend who is a girl about what I was up to and if I was seeing anyone. Mutual friend said she didn’t know but apparently my W lost it and started accusing her friend of lying about not knowing my business. Mutual friend was kind of venting to me and was really bothered by my Ws interaction with her.

So last night I was out drinking and GAL with friends. It is Ws weekend with our son. At like 1130pm she texts me and wants to talk about scheduling. I was pretty brief in my responses. The short of it was that W asked me to take Son for two weekends in a row. She wrote a huge paragraph about it. I asked her “why?”. She replied that it was a busy week and didn’t give a concrete reason that she couldn’t have our son. I replied simply “no sorry.”

She then acted as if it was no big deal and spoke that she would figure it out. I didn’t respond and then she went nuts into an R talk. She wrote a lot of things and she was very emotional saying: “I drove by the house and your car was gone. I am crying as I write this”. I basically said that this was what she wanted.

She got very crazy and was texting a lot. I validated her complaints but reinforced that I didn’t think it was okay for her to just up and leave and tear up our family in the process. At one point she got super angry and was spouting [censored] at me. “I hate you blah blah”. I replied that if you hate me stop fckin texting me and leave me alone.

She then got very disrespectful and started spouting that I was probably fckin some whore and blah blah blah. I replied that “if you are going to accuse me of sleeping with whores I’m done talking to you.”

She replied but I enforced boundary by not talking to her anymore. This morning she texts me pictures of our son. She apologized and said can you please forgive me for being rude last night. I didn’t reply. Kind of over her BS. I basically said last night that if she had no intention or working on our relationship then I didn’t want her contacting me. Maybe this wasn’t the right move but idk that’s how I feel. I don’t really want to talk to her or deal with her if we aren’t together.

More later thanks.

[LH19]

H,

You get sucked in every time. You just reassured your attached. The clock starts over again.

I know you guys are young but you have both have a lot of growing up to do. I'm concerned for the well being of your son.

[IHCLACS]

LH19. After reading Halzey's recent last post. Please explain how he is demonstrating the reassured that he reattached? He went NC other than Son? Do you think he responded negatively? Or does he need to respond with more indifference? With "okay's" and such to whatever she dishes out at him, positive or negative? How would have you responded? In other words? When they come at you whether positive or negative after you completely pull away, you respond consistently with complete indifference? I could use an example for my own sake and not W's.

[LH19]

IH I will answer your question below.

So last night I was out drinking and GAL with friends. It is Ws weekend with our son. At like 1130pm she texts me and wants to talk about scheduling.

No way should he have responded to a text sent at 11:30 at night. Make her wonder what you're doing. Respond the next day.

I asked her “why?”. She replied that it was a busy week and didn’t give a concrete reason that she couldn’t have our son. I replied simply “no sorry.”

Never ask why. You either agree to do it or not. None of his business why.

I validated her complaints but reinforced that I didn’t think it was okay for her to just up and leave and tear up our family in the process. At one point she got super angry and was spouting [censored] at me. “I hate you blah blah”. I replied that if you hate me stop fckin texting me and leave me alone.

Right here is a statement that shows attachment. This exchange should have never happened for many reasons.

She then got very disrespectful and started spouting that I was probably fckin some whore and blah blah blah. I replied that “if you are going to accuse me of sleeping with whores I’m done talking to you.”

No response needed. Just immature babble on both ends.

I basically said last night that if she had no intention or working on our relationship then I didn’t want her contacting me.

Again attachment right here. Please come home and work on the relationship.

[AnotherStander]

I agree with LH, Hallzy it sounds like you are still very attached and just doing things hoping to get a reaction out of your W. I'm not really buying your whole "guys gone wild" routine as evidence of detachment or GALing. You're not even 3 months past BD, what you do with your life is your business but it's far too soon to be out dating and partying it up like you're single again. You really should bring it back a notch or two until you're better-adjusted to your situation.

[IHCLACS]

Ok LH I kind of figured those last 3 statements by his W I saw him as emotionally engaging into drama by his statements, even though he was intentionally pushing her away because of her bad behavior, and not being completely logistical, and emotionally detached, or stoic as some would say. So let negative interactions be ignored, go unanswered as a response, unless they cross a personal boundary, which protects you, and not punishes them, which need a to be enforced. Validation statements get emotionally neutral and logical responses, and positive interactions get positive responses, but guarded, less is more, only as necessary, with as little information as possible, being scarce. Never ask why, but if more info is needed to make a logical decision. Is asking to be more specific a better response, without emotionally engaging, or asking them their business.