You absolutely need to accept that shes gone. Its already over. Focus on yourself. Its absolutely not your fault. Also, she may or may not see the value in pursuing you or try and repair your MR. My EXWW is way to proud and NPD to even admit that she has done something wrong.
Nothing matters but what she wants. All of us here admit to our half of the relationship, but we continue to better ourselves. The WAS don't do that. They don't care. They keep walking the other way. I am sure they notice they are losing us, but some of them don't care enough to stop that from happening.
However, even if you end up D like me, there is still light at the end of the tunnel. I am now in full control of myself and have zero desire or care in the world for how my EXWW percieves me. I know who I am and what I deserve and that is all that matters. I have been awake now for months. This guy ST is an amazing man. I am an amazing catch and no matter what my EXWW says, I know that I worked extremely hard for what I have, for my family and for my kids. I was there for everyone all the time.
I will still be there 100% for my kids, because they deserve that. All of this self work and learning to be completely self reliant has paid off greatly as I will be perfectly comfortable living on my own and striving for my own goals.
ST - I’m definitely jumping between the 5 stages of grief. Sometimes I feel acceptance, then I lose it, back to anger, denial, depression, etc. This cycling happens multiple times a day and it’s unpredictable.
My W also is very proud. Or maybe it’s not about admitting any fault - maybe she just sees herself being happier without me. I wish she would just come out and say it. This pre-BD situation is awful - I’m supposed to be deaf, dumb, and blind, act like a “normal” husband, not talk about anything. At least post-BD some of this fakery would be gone. We would have to start working out how we are going to move on with co-parenting our kids, etc. I know D will be devastating on many levels, but this pre-BD limbo just flat-out suuuuuuuccccckkkkkks.
Your positive attitude and results are inspiring. I am honestly terrified of my new single life. 3 small kids. living in a very expensive area I will downgrade from a nice house to probably a small apartment for at least a year or two. But... I will also have free time to GAL.
I feel ya Uni about this being your new reality, about being lonely, my 10th anniversary would have been Aug 13th. I'm also away from my S1 on business too. Its [censored]. It really [censored]. But?.. I'm not about to sit in a frikken motel wondering WTH happened to the W that I married? As much as I want to. As much as it hurts I us, its their choice to leave. I'm not playing with that anymore. They can go find themselves, F@$! Themselves or Fondle themselves. I've done everything in my power to attempt to make things work for the last 7 months. Im done. If I have to go out alone, see new place an and explore to feel normal for a few hours then I intend to do just that. I kmow who I am, what I am, and what I am worth, and if it isn't good enough for W to want to stay? That's on her. I'm not going to hang around in seperation limbo for two years or more for anyone. If they are going to push to let us go, then damn the consequences. Im nobody's plan b.
Sometimes I react indirectly to posts. Something in a post will trigger a random thought train.
I feel myself letting go quite a bit from my W. It is a huge effect of this pre-BD limbo. Not trying to work on issues for months, instead planning out a D, has me detaching quite a bit emotionally. I’m sure her story is that I have kept making mistakes along the way. I don’t know. At some point, it’s not all me, and she has chosen not to attempt to work on things together. It is her choice. She thinks life w/o me will be happier for her. No point arguing.
So what am I holding onto? Is it my W? Or is it the illusion of happy married life? Or is it the financial ease of married life vs. the difficulties I will face as a D’d dad with 3 kids in an expensive area of the country? Is it the fear of being a single dad? A fear of not having that built in family support system? Am I acknowledging to myself that I took my W for granted a bit, and post-M my life is going to be more difficult?
This is why it is important to GAL. Easy to say and hard to do but it is important to do. If you dont GAL I fear you will only be more depressed.
Yes I am in IC. What helps more is GAL, reading, meditating a bit. I think lack of sleep and loss of weight are impacting me physically quite a bit.
Originally Posted by MLCxH
It is hard to accept but this is important. You need to accept that she is gone. Maybe she will come back maybe she wont but at this point you need to accept this for your own sanity
Agreed. But your message is clear - I need to get out of this “depressed acceptance” mode of thinking. Get off my @$$, get back to PMA, and get to work. I let this mini-episode of “W reacts to my DB, brief overture to talk, I try to reach out, she is super cold and distant” suck me right back in.
It is a huge effect of this pre-BD limbo. Not trying to work on issues for months, instead planning out a D, has me detaching quite a bit emotionally. I’m sure her story is that I have kept making mistakes along the way. I don’t know.
I feel you are attaching too much importance to the BD. In your case you already have the benefit of knowing what others usually figure out only after the BD. Other than that why is the BD important to you? You have to focus on detach and DB for your sake. That should not change whether you are pre-BD or post-BD.
The emotional roller coaster of trying to cope with life after divorce is tough and will take time for you to heal. Don't confuse that with the DB actions. The detaching and focusing on yourself should start now and not change with BD. Hope this helps
I feel you are attaching too much importance to the BD. In your case you already have the benefit of knowing what others usually figure out only after the BD. Other than that why is the BD important to you? You have to focus on detach and DB for your sake. That should not change whether you are pre-BD or post-BD.
The emotional roller coaster of trying to cope with life after divorce is tough and will take time for you to heal. Don't confuse that with the DB actions. The detaching and focusing on yourself should start now and not change with BD. Hope this helps
MLCxH - I was doing well until W reacted so strongly on Sunday. Now I’m away for a week and barely getting a chance to talk to my kids. It hurts what she is doing. I’m spun out I agree. I need to get back on the path.
BD is important because I feel like the pressure keeps mounting and my W is going to just act more unpredictably and angrily until it happens. I’m working on NGS (esp. my conflict avoidance) but this sitch is like a Little Leaguer playing in the World Series for me. That’s how I feel. I feel like I want to tear off the Band Aid and just get moving already if that’s what she wants.
I also have a lot of fear about the BD to be honest. Given her mindset, what might she attempt? Financial trickery? 100% custody? RO? Stealing things? It’s nuts.
I know I need to be 1000% stronger. And the way is by getting back to what I was doing. It helped when my kids were around. PMA most importantly. GAL. Define my 180s more clearly.
Her reaction spun me for a loop. I thought we might be making progress, she mentioned talking for the first time in months. I see now she was just angry and now giving me the silent treatment while I am away. I’m trying not to read too much into it. Maybe the space and time will help Reduce some of the tension. I don’t know. I’m tired of having to think about every little thing I’m doing or saying.
During text exchange with W on Sunday, when she was upset I wrote my kids letters and not her, we had the following exchange - slightly paraphrased to avoid Google matching. I'd like some feedback here as I know I blew it on validation, but also this was a text exchange (not verbal) while I was mid-transit traveling and I was spinning:
W1: I get that you don't want to write me. You have been distant for awhile! <Details of doing GAL stuff at night...> Anything to avoid me. It's fine. I don't really get it. I hope we can talk soon. Me1: Actually I want to be closer to you. I'm a bit frustrated that I don't know how. You seem distant to me. W2: I certainly don't expect you to write me after all your distance. Me2 (responding to W1, not W2, due to text lag): I also hope we can talk soon. I don't think we are communicating well. I love you and I want this to work.
End of exchange...
I know I failed to validate here, but want to go back and learn so I can be better prepared next time. I shared my feelings instead of validating hers. Major slip.
The distance accusations are really baffling, and have thrown me for a loop. W has stopped saying ILY, or any non-hug affection, for months. I spend a few nights doing hobbies and suddenly I'm distant.
I can tell she's less upset about the distance than about writing her a letter. It's so weird. The last time I wrote her a letter before I left, she said nothing. She didn't say, "Thanks" or "I liked your letter" or anything. I thought a letter would be pressure. Honestly, I thought it would do more harm than good.
Maybe she's just upset that my kids noticed it, and she thinks I'm demonstrating "splitting" behavior (because remember I might have a PD in her mind).
I don't know, such a fog to wade through. I haven't tried to reply further as it's been a few days, although I understand I didn't validate her feelings, or address the letter issue.
It's pure manipulation and you jumped at the scrap as soon as she threw it.
U: You sound disappointed. Is that how you feel? W: yes it makes me feel like you don't care U: I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. W: why did I not get one. U: I have sent you letters in the past and they weren't well received
TRUST ME if she really wants to get close to you and work on things you will know.
I did jump at it. I really jumped at the "hope we can talk" bit. It was the first sign of life in awhile. I'm a sucker.
It was really odd for her to suggest a talk. My GAL activities were fairly benign, maybe 30-60 minutes a few nights going off to do something. I think I should have her come to me to talk, not vice versa.
Originally Posted by LH19
U: You sound disappointed. Is that how you feel? W: yes it makes me feel like you don't care U: I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. W: why did I not get one. U: I have sent you letters in the past and they weren't well received
OK I really need to work on this, but I have some follow up questions:
1. "U: I'm sorry that I made you feel that way." - Would it be better to say "I'm sorry that you feel that way"? (Don't want to validate her claim that I am making her feel a certain way)
2. "U: I have sent you letters in the past and they weren't well received" - Sounds like defensiveness which I am very cautious about (it is a 180 for me). I tried working out how to deal with this below:
Another test run (imaginary):
W: Why did I not get one? U: I can understand how you would feel upset. It certainly was not my intent to upset you, or make you feel left out. W: (eyeroll) Then what was your intent? U: Recently when I wrote you a letter before a trip, I was not sure how you felt about it. Without any feedback, I thought maybe you wanted some space. W: Whatever. You are being weird and distant. U: I would like to understand more why you feel this way. I genuinely would like to know how you felt about my prior letter. W: You wrote the kids letters and not me. That's messed up. U: It sounds like you are hurt and would have liked a letter too like the previous time. Is that right? I will keep that in mind next time I have a trip. Thank you for sharing, it is very helpful. W: Whatever. Stop playing games with me and the kids U: I'm sorry you feel that way, it was not my intent. You mentioned you were hurt by S7's reaction to the letters. That must have been really hard to hear. I will talk to S7 about this, so we can be united as parents. W: blah blah blah U: Maybe we can talk more another time, I need to go XYZ...
1. "U: I'm sorry that I made you feel that way." - Would it be better to say "I'm sorry that you feel that way"? (Don't want to validate her claim that I am making her feel a certain way)
Your'e right. I am still a work in process on validation lol.
Originally Posted by unchien
W: Why did I not get one? U: I can understand how you would feel upset. It certainly was not my intent to upset you, or make you feel left out.
Again good point. How about? I can understand how you would feel upset. It certainly was not my intent to upset you.
