W: Did you fold the laundry like I asked? Me: Not yet. W: OK No problem Wow, big surprise. Me:I know I know. I was too busy thinking about you in the black nighty you are going to wear tonight.
OK first- hilarious Second, I have actually done this with my girlfriend and it is a great way to diffuse a potential fight! It's not something to say every single time something like this comes up, has to have a bit of "surprise" factor to be effective. And yeah, not good to use on a WAS (if only it were that simple!!!)
Really frustrated with myself right now. W has been sending me one-word texts each day, and a couple pics of the kids. Usually a 5 minutes phone convo at some point. That’s it. I’ve been kind of wallowing. Probably sleep deprivation from the travel is not helping. I finally went for a walk tonight and it felt great.
And then W calls, and I talk to the kids, and I feel this jolt of positive energy.
I’m really disappointed in myself...
Then later she’s texting me about donating money to a friend’s cause, and I’m thinking... this is the most I’ve heard from you in 3 days. Arghhhhh.... It’s a good cause and I like doing it, but I keep thinking how tight money might a year from now...
Funny how you only hear from them when they need something from you, want something to do with money, or it has to do with the kids? Kids should be your top priority, but watch Uni, they will dangle the kids in front of you like a carrot to a horse. Mine has done the same thing with pictures and "cutsie" comments of them. I've stopped responding to them. Or have given one worded responses to them. I say they want to act seperated, they want custody schedules and child support, then play, talk, interact with your kids on your own time.
Yeah... I’ve calmed now. Maybe had she just asked without preceding with the kids and the pleading about giving more than I initially thought, I wouldn’t feel as bad about it. It’s just money.
I got a “thanks Unchien” text this morning. So formal.
Most of my frustration at myself is how much I enjoyed the preceding talk. We laughed, I validated - I’m like a puppy dog with the owner coming home when she is nice.
Yeah the formal responses of them and us using each others first names instead of pet nicknames is the beginning of the end I'm afraid.... Like instead of it before being "Thanks babe" It becomes "Thanks (first name) IHCLACS".
Its us and them becoming less intimate, more uncoupled, more "friendly" and more business like. It may bother you and feel awkward at first but try not to let it, and just address them by first name as well as if you were talking to a business partner. Believe it or not, The more you do this, and get used to it as the new norm, the easier it will be for both of you to detach. The interesting thing I noticed and observed, once this started, was my W started calling my S1 all my old pet nicknames, like babe, baby, etc, and started giving a significant amount more of ILY's to him, and smothering him. Some transfer the love that they had for their spouses onto their children. I've read about this being a common normal occurance in seperation and divorce.
I think the transfer of love to our children has been going on for awhile. For years, definitely since before W started to think about D even. It’s what kickstarted some of our friction - me feeling neglected while our kids got all the attention.
But then why the anger last week at “my distance”. Is it really as simple as her projecting her own feelings onto me? More justification for her anger so she can leave? Or could she have some lingering feelings? Ugh I know I need to let go. I feel screwed up in the head that I still love W like this despite what is happening... because I shouldn’t love her like this right now. I need to have more self respect than that.
Remember in school when you had the annoying kid who wanted to be your friend. He would show up at your house uninvited, call you all the time and you just wanted to be bothered. You would only call him when you wanted something. Then he finally gave up and started hanging out with other kids. Remember how you were mad at first mainly because it was unwanted attention but it was still attention. It had become your norm.
You didn't want the kid to comeback and be your best friend in entire world.
But then why the anger last week at “my distance”. Is it really as simple as her projecting her own feelings onto me? More justification for her anger so she can leave? Or could she have some lingering feelings? Ugh I know I need to let go. I feel screwed up in the head that I still love W like this despite what is happening... because I shouldn’t love her like this right now. I need to have more self respect than that.
who cares why she's angry. you're gonna spin plates if you go down that path of speculation. even if you found the answer, it's not going to help you in any way. there's really no reason asking 'why' questions to her behavior. she's doing what she's doing. it just is.
about self-respect - that comes from action and doing things for yourself in alignment with your values. this means having boundaries, understanding what's important to you and doing things that feed those values. self-respect will naturally come when you start doing things. don't live in your head. I say that you have to move forward with 2 steps of action and then pause and reflect, and then keep going. it's easier to live in your head and drive yourself mad. action is going to get you out of that over time.
But then why the anger last week at “my distance”.
Anger is the mot du jour. It was said in that particular moment, as a hyper inflated feeling. But only at that moment. And was probably forgotten about.
Dont do circles trying to figure it out. I know it's easier said than done but if at all possible let it be.
Got home from work trip tonight. W and kids are gone on an adventure trip through Monday.
I'm feeling super low and panicky tonight. No ILY since January. I can't remember the last time we kissed. No "I miss you" or "Glad you made it home safe." Just some texts of pictures of the kids and W on their adventure. I would be upset about the kids being gone this whole weekend but... I hope maybe this gives my W some space and time to do whatever thinking she needs to do. Maybe that will be healthy for both of us.
I'm sitting in this house, perfectly arranged and clean, great home feel, my kids' rooms set up super neat, and thinking... I am not going to be able to do this. My W can do this, she has everything in her life together (except for our M and how she is handling things right now). I'm going to have a crappy apartment with IKEA furniture and no idea how to pick myself off the mat. I know... that's the easy part.
This weekend as much as I want to cram self-help reading and fix-it house chores in, I absolutely have to GAL. Going to hang out with a friend tomorrow, might buy some new clothes on Sunday.
I'm just at such a loss with my sitch. How did we even get here? A month ago I was analyzing all the things I did and blaming myself 100%. But I've moved on a little bit. I can't figure out really, how did we get here? We went to MC in the fall, I stopped pestering my W for affection (which was a huge problem), and I started doing some more chores (didn't seem to help much). We stopped because the therapist was bad. And then... my wife just seemed angry. She initiated a few arguments. Not many... our arguments would be her venting about several things, me trying to absorb and listen. Not both sides going back and forth. January, February, things just seemed cold. Family vacation in March and we barely talked, didn't touch each other. Then mid-March I realized she was thinking about leaving. I panicked. I pulled over on the road, I wrote pleading letters. I suggested we go to MC. I told her how much I loved her. In April I traveled for work, and in between travels she took the kids to the in-laws. I asked to talk and she said only in front of my IC. Now it's May and things just seem more strained than ever. She's probably gained 15 pounds and looks like she's going through hell. I've probably lost 15 pounds and look like I'm going through hell. Nobody is acknowledging the elephant in the room.
Seriously, WTF is going on? She is not wayward. There is no abuse. If it's a MLC it doesn't have all of the tell-tale signs. But she just... won't... talk... about... anything to do with our M.
And if it's just a matter of not loving me anymore, or that she can't forgive me for the past, then why wait to tell me? Why go through months of hell? Because I have some work travel coming up? That makes no sense.
Maybe the emotional roller coaster will only get worse once the BD happens. This pre-BD period is tearing me apart because both W and I act as if I don't know
It is a huge strain. W has to be secretive. I have to act "normal" which is basically impossible. I also have to wonder if I am nuts, or if maybe W will come around at some point, or maybe I should treat this as a gift because maybe it means she is on the fence or deliberating. But... how can she be on the fence for so long, withholding affection, detaching? What is the point? Is this all just to slow-play things to satisfy her timeline? I don't get it. Maybe there will be some crazy revelation when the BD comes, I don't know. As far as I can guess, she's so worried about my reaciton that she's trying to plan out everything perfectly when in fact I already know and so we are playing this massive charade now going on 2+ months.
It makes me want to write another letter, and I know I deserve a massive 2x4 to the forehead for what follows.
"Dear W,
I feel very sad about the distance between us the past several months. I feel like since we stopped seeing MC1, we have been drifting apart further and stopped working on resolving our issues. We are clearly having trouble in our marriage. I don't know about you, but I can't go on ignoring our issues much longer.
In the past we seemed to talk things through and work them out. We have been dealing with so many life changes the past couple years that it has strained our ability as a couple to wade through them together. I admit that I have struggled to adapt, and my issues have contributed a lot to our problems.
Sometimes I just want to talk and hear how you are feeling or thinking about things. I don't think we can sustain this much longer if we do not share our feelings with each other. Maybe going to a MC will make it easier for us each to open up -- if so, and you agree, I think we should start to go soon so we can work to get back on track."
Second, I have actually done this with my girlfriend and it is a great way to diffuse a potential fight! It's not something to say every single time something like this comes up, has to have a bit of "surprise" factor to be effective. And yeah, not good to use on a WAS (if only it were that simple!!!)