LH's validation example was a good one. You want to keep your responses brief and to the point. You do not want to express YOUR feelings in validation, ONLY discuss HER feelings.
Originally Posted by unchien
OK I really need to work on this, but I have some follow up questions:
1. "U: I'm sorry that I made you feel that way." - Would it be better to say "I'm sorry that you feel that way"? (Don't want to validate her claim that I am making her feel a certain way)
In validation you seek out her feelings. The only questions you should ask are about how she feels. "It sounds like you are frustrated, is that how you feel?" "Yes, frustrated and angry!" "Frustrated and angry, yes I can see why that made you feel that way."
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W: Why did I not get one? U: I can understand how you would feel upset. It certainly was not my intent to upset you, or make you feel left out.
Don't explain your intent. Validation is strictly about understanding and acknowledging her feelings.
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W: (eyeroll) Then what was your intent? U: Recently when I wrote you a letter before a trip, I was not sure how you felt about it. Without any feedback, I thought maybe you wanted some space.
Don't explain. If she asks you a question like this then turn it back to her feelings. "You sound angry, is that how you feel?"
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W: Whatever. You are being weird and distant. U: I would like to understand more why you feel this way. I genuinely would like to know how you felt about my prior letter.
"I hear you saying you feel I'm being distant, how does that make you feel?"
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W: You wrote the kids letters and not me. That's messed up. U: It sounds like you are hurt and would have liked a letter too like the previous time. Is that right? I will keep that in mind next time I have a trip. Thank you for sharing, it is very helpful.
Don't make promises for the future, again just listen, seek to understand her feelings, validate her feelings. That's it. "I am sorry you are upset over this."
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W: Whatever. Stop playing games with me and the kids U: I'm sorry you feel that way, it was not my intent. You mentioned you were hurt by S7's reaction to the letters. That must have been really hard to hear. I will talk to S7 about this, so we can be united as parents.
Don't explain your intent. She feels a certain way regardless of what your intent was. When you try to explain your intent you are INVALIDATING her feelings. You are telling her she MISUNDERSTOOD you and her feelings are wrong. Do you see the difference?
Be careful about going into Mister Fixit mode too. That "I will talk to S7 about this" sounds like you are trying to be your W'd dad. Listen and validate, nothing more.
I wish everyone here had an opportunity to attend Retrouvaille, it is an absolute goldmine of info on validating. It's where I learned most of what I know about it. If you ever get a chance, do go.
AS - I thought Retrouvaille was for couples? Can individuals go?
You are correct, it's for couples, sorry I didn't make that clear. And both have to express interest in going, and both have to state that they are not in an affair. The focus is on repairing broken marriages, but the tools for that are through new communication and validation techniques. They really should come up with a version for individuals as well, that would be a helpful learning experience.
Thank you for the free validation lessons! I am chuckling at the amount of strike-throughs, I obviously need to tighten things up and limit the words.
Couple follow-up Q's:
1. How do you handle longer conversations? Validation seems to work best in small doses -- the longer the convo runs, the more validation can start to sound hollow and robotic.
W: I'm upset. Me: I'm sorry you are upset. W: I'm upset that you never listen. Me: It must be frustrating to feel like you are not being heard. W: I try to tell you about my day and you're always on your phone. Me: ???
2. How do you handle direct questions that don't really express a feeling, but obviously have an undertone? Do you try to deflect into a conversation about her feelings? For instance, would this be an appropriate response:
W: Did you write me a letter? Me: No I can see that you are upset about not receiving a letter. Is that right? W: I'm not upset. Me: OK, can you tell me more?
3. Some conversations do not call for validation ("Is it supposed to rain today?"), some obviously do ("I can't stand when you XYZ") and some are unclear, but could be traps ("Did you fold the laundry like I asked?")
How do you handle the traps? Do you go straight to the feeling validation, or test the waters first?
W: Did you fold the laundry like I asked? Me: Not yet. W: OK No problem Wow, big surprise. Me: I can see you are disappointed.
W: I'm upset. Me: I'm sorry you are upset. W: I'm upset that you never listen. Me: It must be frustrating to feel like you are not being heard. W: I try to tell you about my day and you're always on your phone. Me: ???
I am sorry you feel that way, I will be more present.
W: Did you write me a letter? Me: No I can see that you are upset about not receiving a letter. Is that right? W: I'm not upset. Me: OK, can you tell me more?
If your relationship was on good terms : Come on baby tell me what's bothering you.
W: Did you fold the laundry like I asked? Me: Not yet. W: OK No problem Wow, big surprise. Me:I know I know. I was too busy thinking about you in the black nighty you are going to wear tonight.
Again now is probably not the time for that response lol.
Thank you for the free validation lessons! I am chuckling at the amount of strike-throughs, I obviously need to tighten things up and limit the words.
Wait, who said they were free? Did you not get my invoice?
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1. How do you handle longer conversations? Validation seems to work best in small doses -- the longer the convo runs, the more validation can start to sound hollow and robotic.
W: I'm upset. Me: I'm sorry you are upset. W: I'm upset that you never listen. Me: It must be frustrating to feel like you are not being heard. W: I try to tell you about my day and you're always on your phone. Me: ???
You are absolutely correct, now you're getting into "advanced validation", LOL! Basic validation would be "I'm sorry you are "_____", but it can start sounding repetitive. So you have to get more detailed:
W: I'm upset. Me: I'm sorry you're feeling upset, is there a way I can help? W: I'm upset that you never listen. Me: It must be frustrating to feel like you are not being heard. (VERY GOOD!) W: I try to tell you about my day and you're always on your phone. Me: Thank you for sharing that, I didn't know I was making you feel that way but it does make sense. This is an area I need to work on.
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2. How do you handle direct questions that don't really express a feeling, but obviously have an undertone? Do you try to deflect into a conversation about her feelings? For instance, would this be an appropriate response:
W: Did you write me a letter? Me: No I can see that you are upset about not receiving a letter. Is that right? W: I'm not upset. Me: OK, can you tell me more?
Yes that is good, except don't assume you know her feelings, ask her what her feelings are. "It looks like this upset you, is that how you feel?"
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3. Some conversations do not call for validation ("Is it supposed to rain today?"), some obviously do ("I can't stand when you XYZ") and some are unclear, but could be traps ("Did you fold the laundry like I asked?")
How do you handle the traps? Do you go straight to the feeling validation, or test the waters first?
W: Did you fold the laundry like I asked? Me: Not yet. W: Wow, big surprise. Me: I can see you are disappointed.
Yeah this is a really good question because it falls in a validation grey area. I would be inclined to initially handle it as a transaction:
W: Did you fold the laundry like I asked? Me: Not yet. W: Wow, big surprise. Me: I was planning on taking care of it as soon as I finish this.
If she continues to gripe about it, or if she pulls the silent treatment and sighing heavily, etc. THEN I would hit her with the validation questions:
"It sounds like you are frustrated, is that how you feel?" "Yes I just feel like I have to remind you over and over again!" "I can see why that would frustrate you, I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I will get on it as soon as I finish this."
