LH and IHC, I see what you mean. I shouldn’t be replying to many of her questions. About her asking for me to have S for 2 weekends in a row I should have gone straight to no instead of why.
LH I assure you my son is fine. If it is my day with him I am an awesome dad. He is fed, clothed and gets a bath every night haha. Not sure if your comment was in response to me partying on the weekend, but there is no partying or drinking if I have my son.
AS, I get that my replies show attachment and that I need to work on that but I honestly feel pretty detached. If she were to call me this very second and say hey let’s get back together and work on things I am positive I would say no. I think she has a lot of attitude problems that would need to change before I would consider being with her. I understand that I shouldn’t have even gotten into that R talk with her and I need to work on shutting them down early.
AS about partying and guys gone wild: I’m 26, this is what all my friends do on the weekends. If my friends are going out and they invite me, I’m not gonna say no! I’m not partying to get a reaction out of my wife. I have had basically no contact with her aside from the R texting that she initiated. I haven’t called or texted her once. Whenever she texts relating to S I replied extremely briefly or not at all.
I understand that because it has been a short amount of time since BD that my actions might make you think I am attached but I don’t think I am. I haven’t been thinking about her and have just been doing my own thing. Call BS all you want but I have been very happy this past week. Is it ideal? No. Is it shtty that our family is broken up and our S might never know what it’s like to have parents together? Yes. But life goes on. I’m trying to find the positives in this and step out of my comfort zone to try new experiences with new people. I have been and I’m really enjoying it for now.
Hey Halllzy. I just wanted to assure you I wasn't trying to exploit you. I think you are doing awesome. The reason why I chimed in is because I AM COMPLETELY INCONSISTANT in my own behavior, responses, etc, and W is pretty consistent, neutral, sometimes slighty heated when she doesn't get her way, or thinks something is unfair or punitive in her perception as far as agreements. Sometimes get emotionally hijacked in disagreenents with STBXW in my responses because we think differently, and have severe perception and reasoning differences, which leads to HUGE MISUNDERSTANDINGS OF TERMS AND CONDITIONS which are unclear, warped by perception, or exchange of words, (or what she thought she said or did?) keeps continually happening with Custody Schedule, Personal Schedules, and personal accommodations and exchanges.
We all get great advice here and even remember it, but until we consciously practice it and make it a habit, sometimes we forget to use it in the moment. I made a commitment several months ago to remain emotionally neutral with W in all interactions, but easier said than done given the circumstsnces above in IHS. So? I decided today to explore LH19's thoughts and dynamics on your situation as a emotional or behavioral template since I have responded or reacted the same in similar situations with W.
I also decided to divide my phone plan from W, and informed her I will only be communicating through email from now on forward. No text, no phone calls. I want a paper trail, and shared electronic parental and responsibility calendarn and confirmation of agreement in writing. I have probably had logistics talks and R talks every weekend for 7 months. Mostly because of my initiation because I don't know what to do with my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I am stoic and logical, other times I am emotional. I'm only human.
So I have decided to make response template for reoccurring sticking points. See my problem is I am an open book, and wear my heart and mind on my sleeve, and I need to get better and more selective on whom I reveal that to, and who is deserving of it. The WAW is obviously not worthy of my thoughts, time, info, and vulnerability any longer. I'm going emotional gray rock on her. Even better. I'm not pushing down my emotions, I will allow myself to feel them as they come, but I'm just not going to obsessively focus on my thoughts and emotions of situation any longer. Just logic and logic only. I've realize the way it works with me having BPD characteristics is my circumstances drive my obsessive thoughts, which drive my emotions. Even if those circumstances aren't actually happening in that actual moment. That is why my W perceives me as Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. So I would like the world to perceive me as grounded, level, and logical. I think my negative emotions anxieties and overwhelming feelings have at times underminds my full potential to get things done, grow, progress, and mature further as an adult. Like how some people have to feel right to take action, instead of taking action to feel right. Nothing could be further from the truth. Its riddled with excuses, complacency, procrastination, incongruency, and mis trust. Just my thoughts for now.
Hey IHC, sorry if I was short with you but no man your advice has been great so far and I appreciate it. Yeah I was pretty responsive to texts from W but am finding I am getting better at replying in a stoic manner, short and to the point. Yeah agreed about emotions, I think it is normal to feel them but we shouldn’t be acting on them at this point.
I’m not quite sure why but after my last few posts, a few of you seem to think I am out drinking every night until I’m drunk in the gutter. I know I mention being out drinking often in my posts but this is because oddly enough whenever my W starts an R talk it happens to be when I’m out drinking. I am very physically active and am not out drinking everyday. There are far more nights that I am not drinking, but as nothing happens regarding my W these nights I don’t post about them.
So anyway just updating. After the rude R talk my W initiated the other night she texted me apologizing in the morning. “Sorry For being rude last night”. “Do you accept my apology.” “Please accept my apology.” I didn’t reply.
The next day she tried face timing me. I did not answer. She then texted me a picture of our S. “It’s crazy hair day tomorrow. Son wanted to show you his hair!” I did really appreciate this picture because it’s been a almost a week since I had son. But I replied just “cute kid”. W replied something but I didn’t reply.
Today W texted me “tomorrow is sports day”. She wrote a big paragraph but briefly: she wanted to borrow the jersey I bought for son for sports day and if she could come by my house later to pick it up. I was going to be home at that time and didn’t want son to be only kid without a sports shirt so I just said “sure”.
W stopped by to pick up jersey. I said hi to son, handed jersey to wife and started walking away. I realize that here I maybe should have kept walking but didn’t when she said wait! She asked again if I would take son two weekends in a row to which I again replied no I have plans. She then started asking how last weekend was. I replied “it was fine.” She asked I bet you’re being crazy. To which I replied “no” and walked away. She seemed to show me annoyance when I once again denied taking the extra weekend. Just an observation.
Three things I want to point out which I'm sure you see what is going on.
1.) She is using the kid to get your attention, and as leverage and emotional manipulation, whether it be for co-parenting reasons, or personal reasons. (Been experiencing this inconsistently for months.)
2.) Excellent response on "no I have plans" for taking son for two weekends. I have been going through these texts, hissy fits, arguments, miscommunications, last minute requests, guilt and shaming tactics by W if I can't take S1 according to her needs, deviating from our regularly planned custody schedule. I've gotten the "its your job as a father to equitably split the time" speech numerous times. I agree with W but on MY TERMS, with ADVANCED NOTICE UNLESS EMERGENCY. NOT LAST MINUTE EXPECTATIONS AND REQUESTS that suit her agenda and convenience. I do realize it's a two way street, but I'm not changing my plans or regular schedule anymore, unless it is communicated in writing and in advance, and if "I owe her" a few days as a courtesy for watching S1 because of me being away for work for a few days.
I have decided that I'm ignoring/blocking her number, not responding at all to ANY PHONE CALLS OR TEXT MESSAGES WHAT SO EVER unless emergency. Everything comes through email, both parties have to agree, and even then, I ignore them until and have given the terms and conditions considerable thought. I just don't want to get roped into getting emotional over circumstsnces or interaction anymore She still keeps inviting me to selective and convenient occasions as a co parent for sake of S1. In other words she wants me there with her and S1 when she doesn't have plans with other people. In her mind, it is her way of being a supportive co-parent and having our son see both parents together. I decided to nip that one in the bud too. I explained to her that I do not want to psychologically damage or confuse our son as he progresses in his development that Mommy and Daddy are together. It's too confusing on everyone so I insist on doing everything separate now.
3.) Your W is projecting onto you what she is currently experiencing and she is hoping that you are experiencing the same thing too. Isn't it funny how they get annoyed when you say no to them and they don't get their way? When they are the ones that wanted this all along. I think its fawking comical.
I understand that because it has been a short amount of time since BD that my actions might make you think I am attached but I don’t think I am. I haven’t been thinking about her and have just been doing my own thing. Call BS all you want but I have been very happy this past week. Is it ideal? No. Is it shtty that our family is broken up and our S might never know what it’s like to have parents together? Yes. But life goes on. I’m trying to find the positives in this and step out of my comfort zone to try new experiences with new people. I have been and I’m really enjoying it for now.
Well that would be a very fast turnaround post BD but it's different for everyone so I will take your word for it. You two weren't together long and you are quite young so that would be a factor in helping you detach sooner too. In general I think you're doing well as far as not replying to her texts and such, that might look a little "cold and indifferent" to her but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Definitely better than temp checks!
Hey guys. ICH I think you are spot on with your 3 points. I think I should not respond to her using my son as an attention getter. I will work on that.
AS I think I need to be more specific because I am definitely not fully detached yet. The idea I meant to say was that during the past week while separated and when not having much interaction with my W I felt very detached. I almost never thought about her or even felt all that sad.
Different story when I see her or when she started the R talk last weekend. I definitely still had emotions involved and while far less strong than around my BD, they are still there. That’s something I need to work on more.
For example last night I had a very late night hockey game. The first really late night one since my W left. I felt much sadder than I had lately coming home to an empty bedroom. But I woke up this morning and was happy and enjoyed the day. So I am still having ups and downs but they are far less intense ups and downs compared to 3 months ago.
Making progress toward detachment but am not fully there yet. Thanks
Hey, quick update. W dropped off son this morning. She got out of her car even though I was packing up my car to take him shopping and grabbed him out of the car. She said some info about son. She then asked if her laptop charger was still plugged in the living room. Son had a dirty diaper and I was about to change him so I told her “go look”. She replied that she “hadn’t planned on going inside but okay”.
She came in and her charger wasn’t here. She then started asking me questions. I don’t remember exactly but it started: “what have you been up to?” Nothing much. “I’ve heard stories about you”. I didn’t reply. “How you are being a sl*t”.
Although she didn’t say it in a mean or disrespectful tone, almost an inquiring tone, I still knew this is considered disrespectful from some of the vets. I replied “okay time for you to go, bye”. Didn’t say rudely but authoritative and firm. She listened and left.
Small interaction but I felt I handled it well. It’s been weeks of her inquiries and accusations, it’s getting pretty old. Not her business anyway.
Hey everyone just doing an update, felt like a weird interaction today: So since my last post there was little text communication with my W. Her initiating and mainly related to child care. I had a great few days with my S and we had alot of fun. Ate a lot of food, my S got to watch me play hockey even though he’s too young to understand lol.
So I drove my Son to my Ws to be dropped off. She looked pretty rough and I suspect she was out drinking late last night. Not reading into it. We stood at her front door going over child info. After I gave him to her she said “son likes to do this funny thing with toy, come inside and see.” So I did. After this we kind of chit chatted and joked around a bit, it was pretty pleasant of a conversation.
W then asked, “do you want to mediate or should we give this separation more time?” (It’s been like 3 weeks lol). I said I’m not really sure but space is good right now. She replied “okay we will give it more time”.
She then asked me to come over in a few days as it is Sons birthday and he will be eating his first cake. I agreed as that is a memory I don’t want to miss. She then started a somewhat R talk. She asked many things over the course of my visit and I’ll outline a few of her questions:
Are you dating someone? Have you been on a date? Who is your girlfriend? What have you been doing? Who have you been hanging out with?
These were all spread out of the course of my maybe 20 minute visit. I acted very stoically and did not answer most of these. A couple times I simply replied “I don’t think we should discuss our personal lives right now”. In response to who I was hanging out with “some friends”.
Next she talked about next weekend, which we will spend together with Son in Disneyland. Fck me right? Haha having a lot of second thoughts about agreeing to go, but I love Disneyland and will enjoy going with my boy. W asked me if after dinner if we could let her mom watch our son while we “go on some rides and maybe have a few drinks”. This was kind of a curveball for me so I just said “that could be fun”. Wasn’t expecting her to ask to hangout 1 on 1. She the. Said something like “wow if I was your girlfriend I would feel so awkward about you going to Disneyland”. I didn’t reply but felt like she was snooping to see if I did have a girlfriend.
Before I left she started asking me favors, oh can you grab me a soda? Oh can you go get some lunch for us? I replied that I had to get going sorry. She also asked me to stay awhile longer. I said I had to go. She then asked me to hug her goodbye.
Very strange interaction today. She was acting suuuuper insecure that I was moving on or had a girlfriend or something. She mentioned that she hadn’t been hanging out with any guys and just her girlfriends. I didn’t ask about that and wether it is true or not I won’t worry about it. She also kept talking as if this separation was my idea. At one point she said something like, a week ago you mentioned working on our relationship and now you’re acting like you are over it. Which I guess is somewhat true because if she is rude I’ve set a boundary where I just leave/make her leave and end the convo. I have been reinforcing it and have had to twice in the past week. I didn’t feel any disrespect today. She was just acting super weird and insecure. And then asking me to have lunch with her today, asking me to stay awhile longer after dropping off my son, and mentioning having 1on1 time together in Disneyland is confusing to me. I guess it could be nothing more than temp checks and if so I passed so far lol. Oh well I’ll just take 1 day at a time.
