Midlife wife crisis6

[Wolfman]

I will say it hurts me to see all of you going through this too. IH and Destroyd I will pray for you. I pray everyday the same exact thing, that my w will eventually see how great our m was. That yes we had arguments, yes things were not perfect at times, but what m is? She is so focused on the few negative things and not the million good things.
Neffer, Joejoe, R2C, and Sandi, thank you for your words of wisdom. I am trying so hard to make it from one hour to the next. I know we have been over this so I apologize for repeating myself, I will never understand how she is so focused on the few negative and not all the positive? I guess that’s what separates my w from me. I understand that there are ups and downs, nothing is ever perfect. Yet, she thinks I was suppose to be absolutely perfect. It’s so sad. I know if we don’t get back together, I will find someone with the same values or at least I hope. Good luck to my w if she thinks she is going to find the “perfect” man.
Yesterday just goes to show where her head is at. Yesterday is my day with the kids. I pick them up from school I play with them at the house for about an hour and half then take them to dinner and to gymnastics. I do this every Wednesday. When she first got home I was playing with my s. She asked me if i was taking them anywhere. I said no, but I will be taking them to dinner then gymnastics. She said this is not fair that this is suppose to be her free day and we are in the house. I said I understand you are frustrated but I can’t take them out all the time it’s costing me a lot of money. I said I’m still taking them to dinner in about an hour. She then has the nerve, then shouldn’t you get an apartment? I said sure, if you would like to pay for it. She said so we are going to do this for the next year? I said until you buy me out. She doesn’t want to refinance because she will have a higher rate and have to pay closing costs. When we are officially d she can just assume the loan. That’s what she wants to do. Then she said maybe I will just sell the house (I guess that was suppose to be a threat to me). I said that’s fine. I guess she wasn’t expecting me to say that. Then she said I knew that what you wanted me to do. You are looking to screw me. I said I can see how everything is always my fault. I then chuckled a little. Just tired, when she doesn’t get her way she is like a child throwing a fit. Trying to get her way. Then later on I noticed she had a brand new designer bag. It costs $250. Then she says we have to pay for camp for the kids. I said sure, she said I just can’t pay it yet, she doesn’t have the money. I wanted to laugh. She has the nerve to say that while she has a brand new designer bag. I will post more in a few. There was more have to go to work.

[Wolfman]

I’m back. She then said everything is costing her too much. That she had to pay $400 because there was a rat in the backyard so she had to get an exterminator. Then she had to pay $600 to have the backyard cleaned up. I use to take care of the yard and make sure it was pristine. Now she has to pay someone for it. She makes it a point to constantly pay for these things. Like I am suppose to feel bad for her, I don’t. Welcome to responsibility!! I did everything and she has to do these things and holds me responsible, but I’m not taking it personally part of me detaching. I use to feel bad not anymore. She left to meet up with her parents for dinner. I took the kids to dinner then gymnastics. After I took them home where my inlaws came back to the house too. I was so set up. While I was sitting in the den watching my son play video games I was talking to my father in law. He says, can you help me put the filter together for your pool? I don’t know how to put your filter together. My w knows if she asks I would have said no, but her dad has done so much for us through the years how could I say no to him. So set up!!! Then later on I see my mother in law cleaning the kitchen counters, unloading and loading the dishwasher, cleaning the stove. Then she came In with new towels for the bathroom. This is one of the biggest problems that reconcile will never happen. Her parents enable her. They are giving her the money to buy me out, they buy her stuff for the house, money for the lawyer, cleaning the house for her, I’m assuming her father will then take care of the pool too. She will never learn. Her sense of entitlement is disgusting!! It makes me see at times, why would I want to go back? I want a partner that is 50/50. Not 90/10. Yet it still hurts going through this d. I know I deserve better. I guess for me and many others the idea of starting over scares me. The idea of how much I put into this m and still end up here drives me nuts!!! I am scared that one day I will put myself out there again, fall in love and this happens all over again. I know I can’t let fear drive me.

[LH19]

I’ll say it again W, you are her husband not her servant. If she wants to reconcile it can’t be because you know how to change the filter on the pool or exterminate rats.

I promise you D is not as bad as you envision it.

You have to get stronger and stop placing your value on what you can do for others.

[SteveLW]

Wolfman, brighter days are ahead. I would start being unavailable to her "complaining" about the cost of things. I think she is setting you up for cake-eating. "Hey there is another rat in the yard and I can't afford to pay someone. Could you please come take care of it for me?" Don't fall for that crap. Remember, she fired you!

Onward and upward!

[Wolfman]

LH trust me I don’t want to be her servant. She already knows I am not going to help her. She is on her own. I only want her back if she loves me again. Not because I help her with things.
Steve trust me I am not buying what she is selling. I just listen and be nice and validate. That doesn’t mean I am going to help her. Especially financially. She can go to her parents for that. They have a lot of money and will continue to enable her. Obviously I can’t and won’t control what her parents do for her. They are doing their d such a disservice.its their d and I get it but they are making our situation worse. My w doesn’t understand consequences to her actions.

It’s funny I have been reading about Did’s situation. I feel like that is me. Except for me paying for her rent. How he misses his family, the loneliness. It’s like us LBH have the same script too. I’m not done reading about his situation so I don’t know if things worked out. It’s just this internal struggle. Trying to do what is told on here vs what we feel. I do t know if my w will ever go back to who she was. I just miss the “old” her and our family. Family dinners, vacations, movie time and we use to do family game night. I miss my family. I wish she would miss it enough to want to fix it.

LH I am sure d is not as bad as I think it will be. Dating going out and having fun. I get all of that. I did that when I was in college. I lived my life and had my fun. When I got married it was because I found the “right” person and didn’t want to do that anymore. I have been going out and meeting women. It’s a great ego boost but it feels “weird” for a lack of better words. I guess this is my new reality and just take it one day at a time.

[SteveLW]

Did was the best example I've seen here of Nice Guy Syndrome. Oh my did he have a huge case of it. Unfortunately, I am not sure if he dealt with it properly. He hasn't posted in a long time, but he is either still struggling to NICE his STBxW back, or he is making the same mistakes that will lead him there again with someone new. But his case study can teach us sooooooo much.

Hang in their Wolf. You will overcome!

[Wolfman]

Last night before I was leaving I went to say goodbye to my w in the kitchen she was eating chunks of cream cheese. I said what are you doing? You are just eating cream cheese straight? She said yeah I love cream cheese, I can eat a whole bar straight. I said I never see you do that all he years we have been together. She said yeah this is something I use to do as a kid. I know you all are going to think I am crazy, but in MLC it talks about going back to their youth. Wanting to relive it. It made me think that’s where her mindset is, back to being a teenager. Again we have been together since she was 21 never have I seen her do that. Truly makes me believe she is in full MLC. I think LH SAID It a while back then I have 2-5 years before she “comes” back if she ever does. Scary and sad.

Steve I hope to learn from did, because I feel like I made a lot of the same mistakes. The other thing, man my w is good at either hiding her emotions or she really doesn’t care anymore about us. Again I know we covered it, just amazing how she went from his lovey dovey woman to ice in her veins!!!

[AnotherStander]

Wolf, a couple of things-

Consider going to the doc for your depression and getting on A/D's. Depression doesn't usually go away on its own, you may need medication before it gets better. I went on A/D's for a couple of months and it made a huge difference. After being on them a few weeks the depression lifted and I felt like my old pre-BD self for the first time.

Consider hanging out with the kids somewhere else. Your W doesn't want you there and it's just resulting in a lot of negative interactions. I understand you can't afford to take them out somewhere that costs money but surely there's a local park you can take them to to hang out before their class. Your grand total time in the house should be just long enough to pick them up and drop them off. If you've decided you're not moving back then keep your time there to an absolute minimum.

[IHCLACS]

I’m back. She then said everything is costing her too much. That she had to pay $400 because there was a rat in the backyard so she had to get an exterminator. Then she had to pay $600 to have the backyard cleaned up. I use to take care of the yard and make sure it was pristine. Now she has to pay someone for it. She makes it a point to constantly pay for these things. Like I am suppose to feel bad for her, I don’t. Welcome to responsibility!! I did everything and she has to do these things and holds me responsible, but I’m not taking it personally part of me detaching. I use to feel bad not anymore. She left to meet up with her parents for dinner. I took the kids to dinner then gymnastics. After I took them home where my inlaws came back to the house too. I was so set up. While I was sitting in the den watching my son play video games I was talking to my father in law. He says, can you help me put the filter together for your pool? I don’t know how to put your filter together. My w knows if she asks I would have said no, but her dad has done so much for us through the years how could I say no to him. So set up!!! Then later on I see my mother in law cleaning the kitchen counters, unloading and loading the dishwasher, cleaning the stove. Then she came In with new towels for the bathroom. This is one of the biggest problems that reconcile will never happen. Her parents enable her. They are giving her the money to buy me out, they buy her stuff for the house, money for the lawyer, cleaning the house for her, I’m assuming her father will then take care of the pool too. She will never learn. Her sense of entitlement is disgusting!! It makes me see at times, why would I want to go back? I want a partner that is 50/50. Not 90/10. Yet it still hurts going through this d. I know I deserve better. I guess for me and many others the idea of starting over scares me. The idea of how much I put into this m and still end up here drives me nuts!!! I am scared that one day I will put myself out there again, fall in love and this happens all over again. I know I can’t let fear drive me.

Funny you mention this Wolf. W hired handyman to wrap up my unfinished projects, and hired people to clean yard out while I was away for work. Came home last Friday and saw the yard, and my pallet planter projects and pallet woodshed gone. I didn't say a thing. She hired more people to box and carry her stuff to her storage unit. The kicker is my MIL who watches our S1 who is also slated to have a hysterectomy next week due to uterine cancer, is giving W money for all expenses. My pool is black. I can clear it in 3 weeks or less, but I'm tempted to say F@$! It. Let her deal with it, She's selling the house and fired me as her H.

[Wolfman]

Steve I am trying to hang in there. I hope I can have the end result like you. I know my w is in a thick “fog”. I will just keep doing what is advised and hopefully I will come out of this, with or without w.

AS that is the scary thing I am on 2 A/D. Yet there are still days that I am so down. I will take your advice about not being there that much. I did that yesterday. Usually I play with the kids at the house until they go to dance which is at 5:30. This time I waited till she got home and left.

IH let her deal with the pool. I agree with you about her firing you as her husband. That’s why I don’t help my w with anything around the house.

Yet here is the thing. Lately she has been coming home and telling me about her day. I am
Cordial when she gets home and say hi, how are you? In the past it was just a hi and good. Now I am getting details about her day. I listen, make eye contact and validate. No expectations but she is feeling comfortable with me, just hope it’s not a friend zone thing. I know no pursuit but do I try and flirt too? I don’t want to be in the friend zone.
The other thing is the problem we are having with my d. She has become so defiant to both of us it’s disgusting and she is only 11. We are both on the same page about dealing with her but it puts so much added stress on our “relationship “. Again I said it before, I really believe this is one of the big issues why my w wants divorce. So that half the time she doesn’t have the kids so she can be free.