Many posts I read indicated that they either reach acceptance within 1 year of BD or else it increases to 2-5 years. On the other hand, there are posts that say it is a marathon and 1 year is too less. Can someone help shed some light on understanding this?
One year is not a common event. 2-5 is possible and I can tell you that my ex wife appeared to go through all the stages in the first year and then after that we got divorced and as far as I can tell 10 years later(now) she is still not done.
Timelines are a really bad idea.
Their are no guarantees, start living your life "as if" she is never coming back and then if she does you can worry about it at that point.
Thanks for the insight Cadet. The more I start living as if she is never coming back the less I am motivated to stand for her. The thing about detachment is that you increase the distance from your W and it is only driving me further apart from her. Only thing I worry about is the kids at this point.
The more I start living as if she is never coming back the less I am motivated to stand for her. The thing about detachment is that you increase the distance from your W and it is only driving me further apart from her. Only thing I worry about is the kids at this point.
This is great advice. Something I have not come to terms with yet but slowly working towards getting there
Originally Posted by Cadet
Dont worry about her, that is her job not yours.
I agree. It was hard initially but once I accepted her problems are hers to solve it was easier to start detaching. Right now the hard part for me is my desire to keep the family together for the kids. I have to get better at standing for myself first
Also you said if you knew she was in MLC pre-BD, you could have stopped it. Can you please elaborate?
I like a certain song lyric I've heard about patience: "Patience is a virtue / Until its silence burns you." Feels apropos to my sitch, probably to yours as well.
She's 41. What I said is if I had known pre-D filing I could have prevented the D filing. I was putting a lot of pressure on her to make up her mind which did not help. Her MLC would have happened anyway, her problem not mine to solve.
More than patience I am focusing on my own acceptance of the situation and letting go of control. Knowing I am helpless to do anything helps more than anything
This is why we push no pressure. No one likes limbo, obviously. But limbo is a gift of time. Time for the WAS to figure out their stuff. Time for the LBS to improve, make self-improvements, to focus on themselves and their kids. Time to become the spouse only a fool would leave. Time to let the open wounds that led to BD, rest and heal.
"if I had known pre-D filing I could have prevented the D filing" then you said "I am focusing on my own acceptance of the situation and letting go of control"
MLCxH, one of the most important things in DBing is to be consistent. Be consistent in action. Be consistent in principle. Be consistent in thinking.
This just hit me like a 2x4 in a brand new way. While limbo completely [censored], it is a gift. Wow, I don't think I had thought of it this way so profoundly yet.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
What is limbo? Here all along I’ve been thinking limbo is the pre-BD period. As if when BD happens I will escape limbo. And I just realized it might extend all the way until D final.
Unfortunately that is what most of us mean when we refer to limbo. It's that time period where you are still married but to a person who doesn't want the relationship. Most people escape limbo only when they make the decision to move on.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
What is limbo? Here all along I’ve been thinking limbo is the pre-BD period. As if when BD happens I will escape limbo. And I just realized it might extend all the way until D final.
The key here is not to focus on a year from now, a month from now, a day from now.
Try to stay as positive as you can. I know it's not easy, I struggle with it too, but try it.
Live right now, not in the future.
Anything is possible, nothing is written in stone. All worrying will do is waste time, and then leave you with the same problems you had when you started worrying.
What is limbo? Here all along I’ve been thinking limbo is the pre-BD period. As if when BD happens I will escape limbo. And I just realized it might extend all the way until D final.
Limbo is nothing more than a state of mind. I've seen people who were still in limbo years after their spouse was gone and the D was in the books. And I've seen people who were not in limbo despite having been BD'd just a month before. Limbo is paralysis. It's operating from a place of fear. It's being afraid to GAL or anything else because the WAS might react negatively to it. Limbo is being hyper focused on the WAS and not yourself. I've seen soooo many people here talk about how they hate being stuck in limbo. My response is "then do something". Why are you dead and still and stagnant and waiting? DO SOMETHING. Marriage isn't who we are. It's one small part of a great tapestry we weave in life. If our marriage goes on the fritz that's no reason to stop weaving. You can weave your life whether you're married or not.
After reading through all the responses my will to stand has been weakened. Stability of family for the kids and getting more time with them is a big reason for standing. Otherwise the more I disengage the better I feel and I am starting to question why I am really standing. W has been communicating more from her side and coming with kids and me when we do things like dinner at restaurants but the posts here show made me realize this is not really anywhere close to acceptance and is only because the pressure is off. The number of success stories of reconciliation is also low and I am not sure if it worth wasting more years of my life for someone who does not value me.
Good is the disengaging is helping Bad is I am losing motivation for reconciliation Ugly is kids will suffer
