Dont be scared. If you are afraid then get a recording device or a lapel camera. I was afraid my EXWW was going to report me for false DV. I got hidden cameras and non hidden ones. Kept her honest. Pissed but honest lol.
Sounds rough with your mom. But you are letting your dad eat cake by bailing on her. If there is a caregiver, let them do their job and be supportive but not the main caregiver. Its hard but the best decision right now is the decision that affects your future and happiness.
You dont have to ask to move to your own home.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I am so sorry everything seems to be hitting you at once. It is really hard when you are sandwiched between taking care of parents and taking care of your personal problems.
IDK if your mom would qualify for some health services offered to people who are disabled and live alone.......or if you even want to check and see. I'm just wondering since her H abandoned her and you feel you have more than you can handle at the moment, you might make a couple of calls and get some leads about facilities or in home services that could give, at least, some temporary relief.
I wonder if you see home, as a refuge of sorts, b/c it would take you out of the stressful environment you have at your mom's place. Actually, you may exchange one stressful environment for another one. Don't let anyone scare you into doing something you don't want to do. People here can warn you about some incidents they know happened, but at the end of the day......it's easy for us to tell you what to do. Know what I mean? If you get charged or penalized in some fashion, who has to pay? Not us! Read the pros & cons, and get the legal advice of your lawyer, and do what you feel is best. Just be aware! I think that's what everyone is trying to say.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You all freaked me out about the whole restraining order.
It is all about awareness. If you prepare for the worse case, then anything else is easier to deal with. If the worse case does happen, then you already have a plan.
How many of us have said: "My wife wouln't do that"
and then said:
"I can't believe my wife did that" or "is doing this"
Going into a sitch with your eyes wide open is better than being blindsided.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks for being here, Sandi, SoTorn, R2C, IH, LH, and everyone else. Sorry if I missed anyone. I am just taking it one day at a time. Being in this situation has made my depression worse. I try to find little positive things to keep me going. The feeling of another loss, my dad just taking off and leaving my handicap mover to take care of is so difficult. My IC told me this is probably the most difficult part of your life. But she reminds me this is not permanent. That I will find my own place eventually (waiting for w to buy me out). I will find love again. My d eventually will come around. I told my IC I get that, but I’m living this hell now. I read a quote the other day that fits how I feel, it goes like this: When people have nightmares they wake up to get away from it then feel relief. I go to sleep and try to stay asleep to get away from my nightmare. I am trying to GAL, but it’s hard. Trying to be the best dad with my kids. I took them to the air show at the beach this weekend, took them to an aquarium, went to a friends house. Took them to a amusement park. I don’t want them to see how depressed I am and that I feel like I am dying on the inside. This forum helps me a lot, a safe space to talk and know I am not the only one going through d hell. I know we are not suppose to live in the past but it’s hard. A year ago I was turning 40 and my w had all these nice things planned for me. She surprised me with a weekend away for the 2 of us with this crazy couples massage. A romantic getaway. Then she surprised me with a 40th surprise birthday party at the vineyards with all our friends. And now to be here just blows me away. I know I have to let go of those memories it’s just hard. Thanks for listening.
Last edited by Wolfman; 05/29/1902:30 PM.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I know we are not suppose to live in the past but it’s hard.
It's ok to revisit the past just don't stay there. Come out in the present, your future self is waiting on you. Your W did those amazing things for you. You did amazing things for her as well.
You have a job now, and it's to find your confidence. You kids are waiting on confident daddy!!!! Don't let them wait too long.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Being in this situation has made my depression worse.
I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager. When I was able to engage in something creative, it helped to offset the depression. If I was in a situation where I was not able to put energy into a creative project, then it seem to worsen. I'm just saying that about myself.
I can empathize to an extent about your mom. Mine had a stroke, and I wasn't a spring chick myself. I was still going to work everyday, and staying with her at night. She did not want to give up to go to a nursing home, so we tried to keep her home, until we simply couldn't do it anymore. The stress of the emotional & physical demands takes it toll on your mind, body, marriage, and family. My heart goes out to those who are caretakers!! Dealing with a crisis in your MR, plus a crisis with your parents, is enough to depress anyone. I didn't feel as if I had a minute to take care of my personal needs, but the doctor kept telling me that if I went down......everyone would go down. Ha.....no pressure there! It's basically what we tell newcomers about taking care of self, first. So, see your doctor, therapist, take supplements, etc. Exercise and eat as healthy as possible. Try to take some time to be physically removed from the environment, if for just a while. Find something that removes your focus on the situation, for a hour, half a day, longer. Having something inspirational is important, b/c you have so much negative energy hitting you everyday....you have to purposely find something to feed you good positive energy.....music, literature, motivational tapes, whatever. It may not change your situation, but hopefully, it will help you stay well. I wished I had learned at a much younger age, that we humans need balance in our lives. It's mostly up to us to see that we get it.
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The feeling of another loss, my dad just taking off and leaving my handicap mover to take care of is so difficult.
Experiencing loss back to back is the worse. (((hugs)))
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And now to be here just blows me away. I know I have to let go of those memories it’s just hard.
Not me! I'm not going to lose my good memories as long as I have my right mind. There is nothing wrong with sweet memories, Wolf. Just don't forget to keep living today, and looking forward. Your life will get better. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it won't stay this way forever. Don't give up on life.
You are carrying a heavy load, Wolf. We are here to listen, whenever you need to be heard.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for being here, Sandi, SoTorn, R2C, IH, LH, and everyone else. Sorry if I missed anyone. I am just taking it one day at a time. Being in this situation has made my depression worse. I try to find little positive things to keep me going. The feeling of another loss, my dad just taking off and leaving my handicap mover to take care of is so difficult. My IC told me this is probably the most difficult part of your life. But she reminds me this is not permanent. That I will find my own place eventually (waiting for w to buy me out). I will find love again. My d eventually will come around. I told my IC I get that, but I’m living this hell now. I read a quote the other day that fits how I feel, it goes like this: When people have nightmares they wake up to get away from it then feel relief. I go to sleep and try to stay asleep to get away from my nightmare. I am trying to GAL, but it’s hard. Trying to be the best dad with my kids. I took them to the air show at the beach this weekend, took them to an aquarium, went to a friends house. Took them to a amusement park. I don’t want them to see how depressed I am and that I feel like I am dying on the inside. This forum helps me a lot, a safe space to talk and know I am not the only one going through d hell. I know we are not suppose to live in the past but it’s hard. A year ago I was turning 40 and my w had all these nice things planned for me. She surprised me with a weekend away for the 2 of us with this crazy couples massage. A romantic getaway. Then she surprised me with a 40th surprise birthday party at the vineyards with all our friends. And now to be here just blows me away. I know I have to let go of those memories it’s just hard. Thanks for listening.
Wolfy you are not alone. I totally understand the part about wanting to sleep to get away from this nightmare. I take naps on my lunch break, naps sometimes at home, and fall asleep to meditation music fully dressed just to get away from the pain. I took my 1 year old son alone to a winery/concert this weekend, after I rejected the W's invite to the beach this weekend. He did have a good time climbing the hills, playing in the apple orchards. (Yes there were other kids there.) Ran into one of my co workers, felt like a loser because he knows my sich, and I'm there without anyone else. S1 was teething, didn't have much of an appetite, developed a low grade fever, and threw up in the car, I got home, MIL was at house, she notices how frazzled I was getting him cared for, changed and washing the car seat out. She later texted me that she was thinking about me and the whole situation. The text unexpectedly upset me because she asked that W and I take care of each other. I wanted to write her back but couldnt. I will but will keep M out of it. She is scheduled to have a hysterectomy next week because her cancer is spreading, after 5 years of remission and colon cancer, I was writing back to her that day but I chose not to. She is always in my thoughts and prayers, but she said that you and W need to stick together and help each other out. I almost lost it when I read that. I was so raging angry that day. Not at S1 but situation, and the fact that I'm going to have to do this alone without W and a part of me deeply resents W for it. Went to my mom's the following day. Mom has a walker, COPD, lives with 10 cats 2 dogs, brothers and nieces living in Mom's house which is falling apart. I gave up helping them a few years ago, because they need to help themselves. they have made so many poor choices in life and refused to change or get rid of the house, so I stopped partaking in their drama. Place is disgusting, Younger brother did all he could, but yard and house were a mess, it took him 2.5 hrs to make burgers from startup time. It rained and I couldn't take my S1 in the house. I feel like I have no support system whatsoever. I love my family and they are emotionally there for me but they are dysfunctional nonetheless. when I came home from work travel wife employed people to finish my projects around the house since I'm not home and she hired someone to clean up the yard. she already has secured a storage unit that has had people move all of her stuff out of the house. I hate the fact that the W is selling out the house from under me, because I can't afford to buy her out. My life has no joy in it other than my S1, and I don't even know how im going to create a better life, place, environment, upbringing for him by myself, when I still have to figure out what I'm going to live or how I'm going to take care of myself. Trial by fire I suppose? I have 2 friends which I can't make time for, barely have time to GAL. On A good note, I got together with an old co-worker I may be forming a band as me as the lead singer. I may have a coffee date for this weekend but I don't know if I want to go through with it. I don't think I'm ready. Plus I don't have my own place yet. I hear what you are saying about the memories of W and all the one of the things they did for us and wonderful memories. Because the denial and the acceptance part of it still has us wondering how someone that we put all of our hope love and trust can betray us like this?
Just when we think we're good for a couple of weeks we wind up initiating R talks again, and losing our emotional stability from things that creep up there unresolved. I've done it practically every other weekend, even though I don't want to because I have no other outlets. I can't go to therapy while I'm away for work I know all the GAL stuff is just filler. It feels like filler and we know it. But it helps. it [censored] being in this hell losing the person you love losing your home not knowing where you're going to live. Having no support system no one to talk to and no time to even take for yourself other than work work work and pay bills, fix things, fix broken car, and read until I pass out. I'm actually getting to the point where I wanted to try to remain emotionally stable when I do have my weekends off I try and to stay out of the house, go for a hike or nature walk go somewhere anywhere, but as a result, my responsibilities are getting neglected. Everything is going wrong in my life, with no relief or support system or enjoyment of it. Its like having no direction or purpose other than to be miserable, work, and pay bills, and get through this out the other side, into our own.
Just when you thought you have it bad, remember, someone else always has it worse.
Listen to what R2C has to say about being present. Those little moments are what is going to keep you present, sane, and moving forward. These are long grueling situations we are in, but have to keep moving forward. If not for us, then for our kids. Sandi is right. We have to take care of ourselves first. If we fail, the whole thing around us, people who depend on us falls.
Wolfman and IHCLACS, I am suffering just like you two. If there is anything I have learned going through this, it is how much people are suffering. Next to a child's death, I think divorce is the worst thing in life to go through. The pain, depression, guilt and uncertainty is unbearable. I will pray for you, please pray that for me. I pray 50-100 times a day that God will open up my wife's heart to my love and give me the wisdom and discipline to win her back.I also pray that I can start to feel God's love. I so want to feel his arms wrapped around me, comforting me as I go through this hell on earth.
There is nothing wrong with sweet memories, Wolf. Just don't forget to keep living today, and looking forward. Your life will get better. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it won't stay this way forever. Don't give up on life.