Midlife wife crisis7

[Wolfman]

AS you are so right. I forget that I am using logic and she is not. I guess it’s just hard for me to understand, I guess that’s why I am a LBS. I do have to let go, I definitely need to get better. I am GAL. I am making a conscious effort to detach. I fall back at times but I am trying to move forward. I am actually trying to look at her negative actions as a way to help me detach. As far as her parents I will let go of that frustration and anger. I am happy that she went to the mortgage company about refinancing, this way she can buy me out and I can get my own house. This will help me move on with my life. I am ready to move on with or without her. I deserve better I want better. I know I will find someone who will want to make me happy. I have learned so much about relationships from this.

AS thank you for your words of wisdom it means a lot when you offer your advice. I actually read it more than once. AS another thing you are right about. I keep thinking that she will notice things, like everything I did around the house. That she will think I was a great husband. But it has had no effect on her: I guess because I am logical I can’t understand how she doesn’t get it. But like you said they are all emotions and no logic.

IH it seems you are very angry. I get that because that is one of my many emotions!! What you talked about I went through a lot of the same things. She was always preoccupied with her phone or tv and then complain nothing was getting done. Also, always wanting to go out which was another reason nothing got done. And going out all the time cost us a ton of money. We are both teachers in NY and make e decent amount of money but at the end of every month had no money. She would say where did all our money go? I was always like really? I don’t care as much about things around the house. The landscaping starting to look bad in certain areas. Not my problem. House gets messy, not my problem. IH I feel like we are very similar and have very similar situations.

[ballast]

Wolf...just as you will have to let her, the MR and all involving her go...you will get there when you get there. no need to force it or anything like that. let time as it will naturally do get you through to the other side. when you get there you won't be angry or at least for me, much of anything about your ex simply because your thoughts and feelings will be all about you and your future.

it is a process for each of us who are LBS to get through and each of us will pass through it at different speeds, with different issues and we'll take steps forward and back. as i've said before on here many times give yourself the grace to logically accept this and then with a proactive, forward mindset, let time and patience get you to the other side.

it is very hard to stop pyscho analyzing your sitch. what you could have done, what/why she did this, if I did this what would she think, how did this affect her. again none of us can force you through it, but at the end of the day somewhere, somehow your mind will exhaust of paths to go down and once it does there's really only one path available for you to take.

when you begin to feel you are only living and thinking about your life and future and we are not reading of you saying "I am GAL" then you and all of us will know you are on your way. again give yourself the grace to accept that you are on your own path to your future...there are no wrong answers nor time frame for how you go about it so long as you keep going in that direction every day.

-B

[AnotherStander]

I am making a conscious effort to detach.

That's what you have to do at first, but you won't be truly detached until you're not even trying at it anymore, you just "are". It takes a while though!

AS thank you for your words of wisdom it means a lot when you offer your advice.

Happy to help!

I keep thinking that she will notice things, like everything I did around the house. That she will think I was a great husband. But it has had no effect on her: I guess because I am logical I can’t understand how she doesn’t get it. But like you said they are all emotions and no logic.

Exactly. It will change with time. She won't always be like this. But for now, it's how she is and it's what you have to find a way to accept and deal with.

The landscaping starting to look bad in certain areas. Not my problem. House gets messy, not my problem.

Yes that's the right attitude to have. This is just a side note but my XW was, well not a slob but kind of sloppy. House was always a mess, her clothes everywhere, all kinds of bottles and jars all over the bathroom, kitchen a mess. Originally she kept it up but over the years she stopped. I would nag her about it and then do it myself, but eventually hired a lady to come in and do it. After separation I thought oh boy, her house is going to be an absolute disaster. But surprisingly she now keeps her place quite clean and orderly, cleaner than she EVER kept our house when married. Weird.

[MLCxH]

Just found this thread and so many similarities to my sitch. W not taking any responsibility and complaining, her parents enabling her through the divorce, me thinking logically she emotionally and so many others.

I am slowly accepting that reconciliation wont happen and in hindsight letting the divorce go through was good for me since it pushed me closer to acceptance

[IHCLACS]

^^^^ THEY DONT WANT TO BE TOLD TO DO IT BY THEIR HUSBANDS IF THEY ARE SLACKING. It undermines their emotional well being, self worth, and defines their marital roles as traditional, and they don't like that because it makes them feel controlled, emotionally abused, and dependant.. It makes them feel pigeon holed into a traditional role in modern society and marriage. In other words they enjoy the idea and the event of marriage on marriage day, but they don't want the responsibilities that come with it. They want the man to fulfil all of his traditional roles in M, but refuse to recognize or acknowledge theirs. Some will pass it onto the H, and in the end, it won't matter what our time and labor achieved. They just want to be social butterflies, feel happy all the time, Have their own independent purpose for themselves and their agenda, and binge watch Netflix all the time. Don't believe me? I dare you to read at least 100 single dating profiles. I bet the majority of them say the same thing. How many of you going through this can count the double standards in your failing M?

Ironically now, not only because W is selling home, she is motivated with purpose to keep a clean home, hire landscapers to do what her former H did, and take care of herself and her messes. All throughout the M all I wanted was someone who took responsibility in cleaning up after themselves, not the both if us. Equally. Not costing me my time, frustration, and disorganization. Every time this became an issue. I would have to say something and she would slide further into defiance, depression and laziness, but that's my fault too. I caused her to feel that way because I didn't want to trip on the stuff in the middle of the bedroom floor at 2am, or put the good on the counter away, or do the dishes at 3am every morning, AFTER I COOKED! She only cleans and puts on a good show for company and family all the time to avoid embarrasment of a messy home, but I know she won't change. If she actually does after we physically seperate, good for her. I think during this in-house separation she slowly realized after she moved into the guest room just how responsibly messy she was for herself and decided to 180 on it for herself.

There's an old saying for every finger we point to someone there's three pointing back at us well guess what that works both ways

But since I stopped doing her chores and labor, and stopped criticizing, she can apparently do it herself, for herself, or hire someone to do it for her. She doesn't need a man...She doesn't need my $$$ But I'm sure $$$ will come up once we get to court over alimony and child support, and settling the cost of the hired labor she wants to implement around the house to make a profit at closing. It ain't coming out of my end that's for damn sure. She keeps calling me or texting me for personal conversation, favors or personal gain. I see it as unintentionally manipulative. I just ignore. Phone calls unless emergency related to her, S1, or family, ignore. Send it to email. Invites me to selective occasions with S1 when it suits her "Thanks but I have plans" IDGAF. Ghosted.

[LH19]

Man oh man, wolf and IH you both have nothing good to say about your wives but you still can’t let them go. That means you are driven by fear and that causes you to be desperate. You two really need to take some time and learn to love and value yourselves so that you can attract and be with someone who values and appreciates you.

[Rose888]

IH, do you want a traditional wife?

I thought you were angry with her because she is planning to quit her full-time employment which is what allows you to afford your house.

The men I know who value a traditional marriage think that being the sole breadwinner is a really important piece of the man’s role.

[IHCLACS]

LH19. I have let her go. My desperation is gone. My desire to R is gone. I am not angry with her. I have intentionally stopped communicating unless absolutely necessary, and have put all focus on myself. Rose888. W has decided to keep her current position even though she is miserable there. As far as traditional marriage and being the bread winner, I think that it is the man's role to be the main income or some provider, its just not as common or prevalent today for the middle class due to economics, cost of living and purchasing power of the dollar.

In my W 's case, and I believe many other W's cases, I am noticing a trend that they have the ambition and drive to have purpose, independence and meaning in their lives, but also some may secretly resent their H's if they are only able to stay home p/t or not at akl with young children. What I am trying to illustrate is they want both worlds, but can't have it both ways. They want to feel protected, secure, and provided for, but they also want their independence. Either they are independant and striving, or they are care takers and nurturers. After talking to a lot of men and women, married, seperated, and divorced. I am noticing a pattern of unhappiness in women around the 35-40 range. Whether they have one or the other. Have to get to work. Will elaborate later.

[Wolfman]

Ballast thank you for your words of wisdom
. [quote=ballast]
it is very hard to stop pyscho analyzing your sitch. what you could have done, what/why she did this, if I did this what would she think, how did this affect her. again none of us can force you through it, but at the end of the day somewhere, somehow your mind will exhaust of paths to go down and once it does there's really only one path available for you to.
I am always doing that, I know I need to stop it. I do after we have been around each other. It just drives me nuts. I am starting to realize the less I think and worry about her the better I feel. So, I am trying to focus on that. Not thinking of her and what she does and doesn’t do.

AS You said:
Exactly. It will change with time. She won't always be like this. But for now, it's how she is and it's what you have to find a way to accept and deal with.
My question is will it? There are people on here who are divorced. Did the w ever really change? Did yours? Just a question sorry if it sounds like I am coming off harsh.

MLC I’m going to have to read your thread and see. I feel your pain and anytime feel free to chime in.

IH you sound very angry, I get it at times I am too. A lot of what you say in your last post is how I feel. I am working past my anger though. My anger kinda brought me here. One of the things I have really worked on in IC.

LH when I am on here, yes I complain about my w. I just need a place to dump those emotions. When I am around her I am happy, loving towards my kids. I am bringing back the old me. W will even say once and in a while what are you so happy about? I just respond I can’t be happy? I avoid being in the same room with her, I use to follow her. One thing I read about be Mr. Nice guy is letting them make decisions. Now I make them with her either saying yes or no and giving me an alternative. Then we compromise. In the past I would say whatever you want. So I speak on here may seem desperate but that is me just dumping emotions.

[Wolfman]

That was my response to everyone. Thanks for the input, advice and words of wisdom. 2 questions I would love feedback from everyone.
1. My w has this sense of entitlement. When she comes home she expects everyone to run to her and greet her at the door and if we don’t (I don’t do that anymore because of our sit) we don’t love her and she gets mad. Yesterday when she came home my son was playing video games and he didn’t run to the door to greet her. She said hey you don’t come and say hello to me. This was to my s. He said hi mom. She said no you don’t come over to me and give me a kiss? He said one second just let me pause this game. She got mad and said I can’t belive the video games are more important than your mom. She then said when you love someone you greet them when they come in. She then asked him what’s wrong with him, why are you not doing it anymore? This is one of the reasons I am getting a d. Because she feels I didn’t love her when she came I. The house. Did your w’s behave this way? Yet when any of us would walk in the door we had to go say hi to her. So warped. This has been for years with her.
2. This is for anyone but I think more for Steve or Sandi. How does the LBS know she the ww is changing their mind or want to reconcile? Only reason I ask my w hasn’t brought up the d in a while. No expectations just curious.

Last is just about what happened yesterday. 2 days ago my d gave me a real hard time. I don’t want to get into it, it would be a long post. I just want to get to the point that is relevant. When I sat down to speak with my d what her problem was and why was she behaving this way, she said the same things my w has said to me. That every time I change a little I go back to my old ways. What I did to her she just can’t get over it so easily and it takes time. She is referring to when I got into an argument with my w I walked out and went for a car ride. She is quoting exactly what my w says to me why she is d me. Here’s the real relevant part, I told my w what she is saying to me but didn’t say she heard it from my w. My w said those are ridiculous reasons she is giving you why she doesn’t want to be with you. I said but those are the same things you said to me. She is just mirroring you. (My d has an unhealthy obsession with my w) whatever my w does my d does. They are the same size so now my d takes my w clothes, orders the same food. And yes my d is going to IC for this. When I told my w she is mirroring you, it was weird she kinda had a puzzled look on her face. Almost like maybe what my w is doing is ridiculous. Could me just over analyzing.